In the Boat With Ben

1 hour, 0 minutes One of the most difficult tasks when it comes to raising children is teaching responsibility. We eventually want our children to have autonomy and the freedom to make decisions for themselves in most situations, but the road there can be pretty frustrating. Sometimes bestowing certain privileges is a no-brainer, while other times it may seem like your child might never be able to handle the responsibilities of being an adult. In this episode we will share from our experiences, successes, and failures when it comes to granting privileges and teaching responsibility. We will share a valuable focal point that will help you as you try to hold a balance between privileges and responsibility.

55 minutes Even as adults, it's difficult sometimes to pinpoint where our stress is coming from. Most, or maybe just some of the time, we're at least capable of using healthy outlets to express our feelings and relieve stress. Our kids face different, but significant, stresses daily. Their disadvantage comes when they lack the tools and the practice to identify what is causing their stress and to know how to release that stress. In this episode we will share approaches you can take with your kids to help them identify the source of their stress and techniques you can use to teach them how to release their stress. Bonus: these things work for grown ups too.

1 hour, 1 minute Running a business and running a family have similarities. Both have a lot of moving parts, can require you to wear several different hats, and can be simultaneously exciting and frustrating. Unfortunately, you can't fire family members. Keeping a household in order can be very challenging and overwhelming at times. It can feel like you're taking on water and working desperately to scoop buckets of ocean out of your boat. In this episode, we want to talk about borrowing ideas from business that can help patch the holes in your boat and get your family sailing smoothly.

54 minutes Exercise is a major component of taking care of yourself. It influences our energy level, ability to focus, quality of sleep, and most importantly, our long term ability to be up to the challenge of the work and circumstances life has in store for us. Many of us, especially parents, have difficulty making time or, at worst, feeling like we can justify the time we spend on exercise. In this episode we will make a quick and simple case for exercise and share some ideas for making exercise a part of your daily experience, even while the kids are around.

1 hour, 8 minutes Whether you yourself, or your child struggles with getting a good night's sleep, you know how difficult poor sleep can make every other area of your life. When Rachel and I were getting ready to welcome our first child into the world, we did some research and learned what we could about babies and sleep. We have been very fortunate to have good sleepers, but the first six weeks were always a struggle, so we are very aware of how lack of sleep can kill your productivity, diminish your health, and make you feel a little crazy. We have come to learn that good sleep is a cornerstone to health in every other area of our lives, but it also has a symbiotic relationship with other practices and disciplines. In this episode we'll share things you can do during your day that will lead to better sleep at night.

54 minutes When it comes to making more time for the things we love, it often comes down to how much our time is worth. If we're able to make more money in a given amount of time, we can spend less time working to cover our bills, be more selective about the things we choose to do with our time, and, essentially, have more freedom. But how do we measure the value of our time? How do you determine how much your time is really worth? Today we are going to dive into this question and talk about it from several different angles. Is the value of your time simply monetary? Is it intangible? Is it found in the things you don't have time for? Is it immeasurable? Our goal with this episode is to get people thinking differently about their time and to help them understand how truly valuable it is.

1 hour, 3 minutes Focus is one of the most valuable assets when it comes to making meaningful progress on your work. When your focus is challenged, it can cost you a lot of time due to the fact that you're simply not able to work as efficiently. People who understand the power of focus go to great lengths to ensure their focus is protected by making sure their work environment is as distraction free as possible. But what about when you work from home where distractions abound? In this episode we're going to talk about some best practices for finding focus and some strategies you can use to combat distractions at home so you can do your best work.

1 hour, 10 minutes Have you ever set a big goal for yourself that you secretly thought was ridiculous? I have. I've had a goal so big that when I would try to think about it or come up with a strategy, I would experience crippling anxiety. I'm a pretty confident person and I know that I'm capable of reaching big goals, but for some reason I was experiencing fear. As I pondered why this was, I stumbled upon some great insights for myself and started to feel more equipped to fight and overcome the fears that come between me and my goals. In this episode we're talking about the possible roots of our anxiety when it comes to pursuing big goals, and some truths that can help us see our fears in a new light.

1 hour, 8 minutes When I think about the main categories into which our lives are broken up, I generally think in terms of work, relationships, and self care. The health of each of the categories depends on the health of the others. In the "work" category, I include things you would expect like a day-job, building your own business, artistic pursuits, and such. This category also includes things like getting groceries, cleaning the house, and getting the kids ready for school. As your family grows and with it your responsibilities, the work can start to become all consuming at the expense of your relationships and personal well being. In this episode we will talk about the importance of asking for the help you need, where you can get it, and how you can build a solid support system that will serve your work in the long term.

51 minutes We know life comes in seasons, so it's not surprising when the dream we're chasing suddenly seems like it either doesn't fit with the season we're in, or looks different from what we expected. Still, it can cause us to feel discouraged enough to give up or desperate enough to fight against this natural flow in our lives. In this more conversational episode, we get into our personal stories and experiences of how passing seasons have shifted and changed the pursuit of our dreams. We talk about how to protect your dream by letting your journey toward your dream match the season you're in. We talk about how connecting to the deeper "why" can bring you fulfillment and purpose while the embers of your dream are glowing.

1 hour, 2 minutes With a busy home life and seemingly never ending work to be done, it can sometimes feel like our schedule is running us instead of us running our schedule. It can also be discouraging, when we are trying to find time to pursue our dreams, to look at our calendar and see a packed schedule. In this episode we are going to talk about some things we can do to make our time more efficient and to create time for pursuing our passion.

1 hour, 11 minutes This year, I made some really ambitious goals. One of the most difficult parts of the process was trying to determine which habits, routines, and activities served my goals, and which ones didn't. Sometimes knowing what to say no to is very obvious, but difficult to do. Sometimes the things we need to say no to are not that obvious. The first month of the year is over and, if you're like me and set some goals at the beginning of the year, you may already be experiencing the pull back into old routines. When your goal is something you've never experienced before, it can be especially difficult not to justify going back to what is familiar. In this episode we want to talk about the goals we set, how to protect them, how to determine what we should be saying no to, and how to make meaningful changes in our habits and routines.

48 minutes It is exponentially more difficult, nearly impossible even, when you feel you don't have the support of your family. Sometimes that lack of support is explicit, while other times we worry they wouldn't understand and in our fear end up creeping into a cycle of guilt and frustration about making time to pursue our dream. In this episode, we talk about some practical ways you can communicate your desire to pursue your dreams in a way that will help your family be on the same page with you and supportive of your dreams.

58 minutes One of my good friends has 7 kids and is a little further down the road than we are (his oldest are twin boys in high school) and I see him post pretty regularly about how crazy the homework is these days. I remember being a little stressed out about homework and other school activities, but it seems like today's students are expected to take on more and more. When I walk down the halls of my boys' elementary school, I see posters for academic achievement initiatives, banners encouraging kids to prepare for college, and, during testing week, fliers and posters encouraging students to focus and perform well on their state mandated tests. When I think of my child's future and the things I want for them, I have to ask myself, "What role does having a successful school career play in their future success and happiness?" In today's episode we will be talking about the role of school, the pros and cons of focusing on one's school career, and the value of being a life long learner.

57 minutes Many parents fear that if they don't get their kids involved in many activities at a young age, they won't have an opportunity to excel at whatever they choose in the future. This leads to overloaded schedules, stressed out parents, and burned out kids. In today's episode Ben and Rachel talk about a healthy approach to managing our child's interests and balancing that with our schedules. Our goal is to discover how we can be supportive of our child's pursuits without jam packing our lives.

59 minutes Keeping up with the home can be very stressful, especially when you're working a job, trying to make time for your family, and pursuing a passion on the side. Running a household efficiently is typically lower on the list of priorities, yet when not giving the attention it needs, can cause everything else to feel like it's unraveling. In this episode, Ben and Rachel talk through some principles that will help you to feel more on top of the household responsibilities, so you can achieve greater focus and attention in the areas of your life that matter most.

1 hour 10 minutes Many of our issues as adults can be linked back to circumstances or events in our childhood that led to some form of guilt or shame, where we were not able to process through those emotions in a healthy way. The echoes of these feelings touch our daily lives, affecting us and the people around us. Many experience guilt and shame as such negative emotions, it’s no wonder we want to go out of our way to help our children avoid these feelings. There is a slight, but important nuanced difference between guilt and shame. Once we understand this difference, we can address these feelings from the correct perspective, helping our children work through their guilt or shame, so they don’t carry those things with them indefinitely. In this episode we talk about the origins of shame, the positive side of guilt, and how we, as parents and examples to our children, can begin to let go of these feelings for ourselves.

1 hour, 9 minutes American Idol is a show featuring vocalists who audition and compete for a chance to share their gift with the world. One of the big draws of the show is the audition process, where hopefuls from all over the country sing in front of the judges in hopes of advancing to the next level. The talent ranges from really good to "I can't believe they let that person get this far," which is part of the schtick. It's mildly entertaining to watch someone butcher a song, especially if they seem to have no clue as to how bad their singing is. We obviously don't want that kind of obliviousness for our kids, but sometimes we find it difficult to be direct with them about the things they need to improve on, especially if they seem to think highly of their talent. In this episode, Ben and Rachel get into this and other manifestations of "American Idol" syndrome, the root cause, and things we can do as parents to not only help our children to have a more secure sense of self worth, but have the freedom to hear constructive critique and grow in their talents.

1 hour, 8 minutes I was heartbroken the first time our oldest came home and told me through tears that he didn't want to go to school because he didn't have any friends. Our second oldest seems to make friends wherever he goes, but for some, making friends can be challenging and frustrating. In this episode we talk about some of the basic skills you can practice with your children and some things you can do to exemplify for them what it looks like to make friends and to be a good friend.

1 hour As a family of eight with three in elementary school and weekly visits to the church nursery, the odds of someone catching some kind of virus or another are stacked against us. We do our best through proper hygiene, diet, and sleep, to avoid sickness, but it's inevitable. Working and maintaining a healthy family life is hard enough, but throw in a sick spouse or child and things can become exponentially more difficult. There were times when a sick spouse or kid would completely derail us. The loss of time is frustrating, but the loss of momentum can make things even more difficult even when you can return to work. We've gotten plenty of experience working through sickness, and in this episode we share some of the techniques we've learned to keep our productivity up when managing sickness in our household. You can't avoid sickness completely, but if you can purposefully plan for it you can get through it and still keep things up and running.

1 hour, 4 minutes We want our children to thrive in their relationships; to experience a healthy give and take, to know how to communicate, and to feel the freedom to operate within what comes natural to their personality. The culture sometimes elevates behaviors and personality traits, and even builds social structures around them, making it more challenging for people who don't fit the mould. In this episode, Ben and Rachel talk about how to recognize introversion in your child and how to teach your child to have healthy communication, enforce necessary boundaries, but also step out of their comfort zone and make connections and enjoy the benefits of establishing healthy relationships.

1 hour, 12 minutes When I was growing up, my parents were pretty laid back about where and with whom we spent our time. That's probably why I took a pretty relaxed approach with our oldest when he started spending time at his friend's house. That is, until I went to pick him up one day and found that the environment he was in conflicted with some of our non-negotiable family values. As I went to walk him out of the house, a stream of curse words coming from the video game one of the older kids was playing, I was mortified. I felt frustrated, embarrassed, and guilty. What kind of parent was I to allow my child to be exposed to that? I realized that I had an important role to play in protecting my child, but I also didn't want to go overboard and never let him spend time with his friends. I wanted to be respectful of others' values, because it's their home, but also still assert our families values because it's my child. I found myself asking, "How can I protect my child, but still allow him to experience an environment that is different from ours?" In this episode, Rachel and I talk about the rights we as parents have when it comes to ensuring a safe environment for our children, and the opportunity we have, if we can be strategic about what we allow, to help our children develop their own sense of responsibility. We also talk about the value of making connections with people who are different from us and how we can use those connections to encourage all parties involved to work toward the goal of preserving our child's safety and well-being.

1 hour, 11 minutes Victim mentality can take on very mild forms, like a child complaining about how it's not fair her brother has a toy she wanted. It can also lead to a life spent pointing the finger and missing out on the fulfillment that comes from taking responsibility. It's easy to simply tell our children life isn't fair. How do we help them to understand this reality while helping them maintain a sense of control over themselves and their environment? How do we empower them to stop seeing themselves as the victim and to believe in themselves as the victor in their story? Ben and Rachel talk in this episode about practical ways to walk with our children through their journey of understanding and embracing responsibility, practical ways to engage our children in healthy conversation about victim mentality, and the confidence that comes from believing that we are powerful to shape the world around us.

46 minutes Life seems to just get more and more complicated as you grow up. It's great having freedom as an adult, but with all of that freedom comes a great deal of responsibility. Part of the role we play as parents is keeping our children from having to experience the complexity and stress of all of that added responsibility, but at some point they'll need to know the things we know and have the skills we possess if we want them to be successful as adults. How early is too early to start preparing them for life as they grow up? Ben and Rachel talk through this topic and share practical ideas from their own experience for equipping your child without overwhelming them. They explain how children are naturally curious and inclined to learn and grow in new skills, and how using these natural tendencies can make the learning process easier and fun for everyone.

1 hour, 18 minutes A healthy sense of self worth is tied to one of our most primal needs: the need to be accepted by our community. Our children are born with this need and, as they grow, look for any bit of evidence in support of or against how acceptable they are. Sometimes we as parents unintentionally lead our child to question their worth through some of the parenting methods we've learned growing up or from our culture. We also have the power to free our children from the trap of believing their worth is tied to their behavior. In this episode Ben and Rachel talk about what we can do, and what we can adjust in order to protect and preserve our child's sense of self worth. They discuss how to get to a place where we have the freedom to communicate openly about our child's strengths and weaknesses without causing them to question their place in the most important community they'll ever be a part of: the family.

1 hour, 11 minutes Burnout can come in many forms, ranging from small little hiccups to major catastrophes. It's often not until we start to feel burnout that we think to do something about it, but it's too late to avoid it. Ideally we'd like to be up and running 100% of the time, but amid all the demands of daily life, how do we keep ourselves from overdoing it? In this episode Ben and Rachel discuss how implementing purposeful rest helps us to get the downtime we really need while also improving our daily productivity. Some of these approaches are potentially life changing and the benefits spill over into every aspect of our lives.

1 hour, 13 minutes One of the biggest frustrations we experience as parents is when our kids aren't getting along. Especially if one is hurting or doing something unfair to another. It's easy to get emotionally involved and express our feelings through our correction, but this can have adverse effects and can end up pitting our children further against one another. In this episode Ben and Rachel talk about a healthy approach to dealing with sibling conflict that will allow our children to see the value in maintaining good relationships with their brothers or sisters. They share some practical steps and language to foster good conflict resolution skills and lead our children into closer relationships with one another.

1 hour, 4 minutes As a parent who has a sticky brained child and a non-sticky brained child, I can attest to the difficulty this trait can add to a situation. This is where we tend to become broken records, hoping our message can penetrate through our child's concentration. It's tempting to want to see it as an undesirable behavior of which we should try to break them. In this episode we discover more about what goes on inside the sticky brain and how we can help shape the strengths that come along with this trait. We will talk about some practical things you can do to help your child work through their sticky brained tendencies without changing who they are.

1 hour, 15 minutes Do you remember being a kid and having big dreams? I wanted to be an actor. I used to put on plays for my parents starring me and my brother which, most of the time, ended up being me yelling at my brother for not remembering his lines, or cues, or blocking. It may have seemed silly at the time for the practical person, but as a kid I could see no reason that dream couldn't be a reality. We have a great privilege as parents to have a front row seat when it comes to our child's dreams. It's difficult to resist the temptation to shrug off something that seems impossible, or to try to steer them in a more practical direction out of our desire to keep them safe and well taken care of. In this episode Ben and Rachel talk about when and how to support our children's interests and how to strike a healthy balance between being protective and being supportive.

1 hour, 2 minutes Growing up, we had a fairly neutral relationship with screens. It was regulated like almost anything else we used to pass the time as kids. With today's technological advances and the increasing usefulness of screens, combined with the information we consume about the negative effects of screens on child development, it's easy to be very hard-lined about the use of screens. Maybe you're a parent who allows your child to use screens all the time. Ultimately, this conversation is not about screens, but about the values through which we approach the use of screens. Ben and Rachel go to the deeper issue and talk about how we can help our children develop a healthy relationship with the ever growing landscape of screen technology and avoid the struggle of negotiating screen time altogether.

1 hour, 2 minutes We are natural boundary testers from a young age. It's in our nature to discover how far we can go and what we are allowed (and not allowed) to do. This process can be a frustrating one for everyone involved. We as parents don't just want blind obedience. We want children who are eventually capable of deciding for themselves what they will do and who also make choices with us that are in the best interest of everyone in the boat. But how do we get there. Ben and Rachel talk about the things we can do at any age to begin fostering cooperation and helping our children see and enjoy the benefit of being on the same team. Even as adults we don't always agree and sometimes have difficulty working together. In this episode Ben and Rachel will share how being grounded in connected relationships with our children causes cooperation to become more of a natural tendency instead of a fight.

1 hour, 20 minutes Even as adults, our emotions aren't always under our control. We experience a wide range of emotions and express them in many different ways. Our children are daily having new experiences with emotions and trying to figure out how to communicate what's going on inside with the outside world. In this episode, Ben and Rachel talk about the purpose of emotions, how emotions grow and develop in our children, and how we as parents can guide our children as they learn how to express their emotions in healthy and appropriate ways.

1 hour, 4 minutes Try as we might to prevent it, our children will be exposed to values that differ from our own. Sometimes they differ slightly and sometimes they are completely opposed. Sometimes the exposure comes from media and culture, and sometimes it’s as close as an aunt, uncle, or grandparent. How do we protect and preserve our child’s values when it’s impossible and unhealthy to shield them from the world? How do we balance our concern with what is truly best for them? In this episode, Ben and Rachel talk about the different kinds of influences that come into our children’s worlds, how to manage our own feelings about this, and how to help our child develop and maintain a healthy set of values, even when faced with the differing values of others.

1 hour, 5 minutes As parents, there are few things more difficult than seeing our children make mistakes or take on new responsibilities. When we allow them to experience the discomfort of failure and responsibility, it can feel like we are failing as parents and burdening our children unnecessarily. Ben and Rachel tackle these topics head-on in an episode that is packed with encouraging and challenging thoughts for how we can give responsibility as a gift out of love, and use failure as our ally in teaching our children how to live better lives.

1 hour, 6 minutes Every day more parents are taking the opportunity to work from home while their children are young. Even employers are seeing the benefit of making this option available to workers in certain industries. As glamorous as working from home with kids sounds, many find it frustrating or even impossible in reality. Having worked from home for many years as their family has grown, Ben and Rachel bring experience and insight to this topic that will hopefully be challenging and encouraging, help you have realistic expectations, and get the most out of your working from home experience.

1 hour, 3 minutes Listening is a skill that we develop and maintain throughout our lives. The ability to be a good listener comes into play at an early age and affects many areas of our lives including jobs and relationships. For a skill that is so vital, we often feel frustrated and stuck when it comes to getting our kids to listen well. In this episode Rachel and I talk through some of the vital practices that will make your child a listening pro, while keeping the focus on the relationship and understanding how listening grows with your child's development.

59 minutes There is a lot of information out there about personality types. You might see how learning more about personality types and how they relate to children could help you better understand your child, but maybe you're not really sure where to start or what to do with that information. In this episode, Ben and Rachel talk about the different personality type frameworks, share a few things you can do before doing any research that will help provide more context, and provide a way of thinking about personality types and behaviors that shifts the focus away from the results and toward the relationship.

52 minutes As a parent, should I apologize when I wrong my child? Should I talk to them about my mistakes and failures? Will it undermine my authority and cause them to feel less secure? Should I apologize every time I make a mistake? Would that make my apology seem inauthentic? Should I make my child apologize or hope that it will just happen naturally? Ben and Rachel dive into these questions and talk about the role that apology and admitting our mistakes can play in our child's development and how these things influence our relationship with our children and the role we play in their lives.

60 minutes Meltdowns aren't fun for anyone. Our oldest describes himself as a volcano when he doesn't get his way. As parents, it's hard to resist the temptation to give in or to ignore so that the meltdown will pass as soon as possible. In this episode we talk about a healthy, potentially unconventional approach to meltdowns that will help your child work through their emotions, protect the bond you share while still maintaining your boundaries, and set them up for emotional health as they grow.

54 minutes We know that reading plays an integral role in childhood development and is a part of setting a solid foundation for a successful future. How do we go beyond simply teaching our children to read and help them foster a love for reading? In this episode, Ben and Rachel talk about approaching reading in different stages of life, and share the key to helping your kids fall in love with reading.

49 minutes When we're raising a family, it can feel like we have no other choice but to put our dreams on the shelf. Ben and Rachel share from their personal experience about the discouragement and frustration they faced, and the mindset shift that helped them realize that not only can you pursue your dream while raising a family, but your family needs you to pursue your dream. Through managing expectations, focusing on the long term, working in the season you're in, and finding fulfillment in the daily work, you can enjoy the satisfaction of pursuing your dream without sacrificing your family relationships.

56 minutes Of all of the "transition times" in daily family life, the nighttime routine can be one of the most stressful. Many parents dread this time. Will my child put up a fight? Will they brush their teeth? Will they keep acting like wild animals? Will I get any time to myself? This episode serves as a guide to a way of doing the nighttime routine that can help you begin to build a framework for your own nighttime routine. We talk about not just the practices, but the motivations behind the practices that help our wild bunch settle into their evening, provides space for the connection we desire with our children, and affords us the down time we need at the end of the day.

55 minutes The word "no" is one of the first words we learn to say. While "no" is a powerful and sometimes necessary word, if we abuse it, both as children and as parents, it can cause "no" to lose the power it should have. In this episode Ben and Rachel talk about practical alternatives to the word "no" that will lead to better communication and will give "no" its proper place in the family's vocabulary.

44 minutes Sometimes as families we face circumstances that feel overwhelming. Even normal day to day family life can feel overwhelming at times. In these strained moments we often find ourselves in survival mode, just trying to get through the week, or the month, or the year. In this episode, Ben and Rachel talk about what it looks like to be in survival mode, and how to get out of survival mode, even in the midst of difficult circumstances, by shifting our focus to our family's values.