Avoiding The Issue

Oh for fuck's sake. I've genuinely no idea what we've just talked about. Does anyone read this anyway? Something about Just A Minute. Most likely something about Gaddafi. Probably some bullshit about the dissolution of the world economy. Did we mention Paul's clothes? Yes. Yes we did.

A very sexy podcast. If you like murderers. Hold on....What?....Oh....OK....Sorry.....Not murderers. Cartoon rabbits though. Or celebrities covered in moles. If you hadn't guessed. We found Butland.

Where has Paul gone? Nobody knows. Does anyone care anyway? Oh look, he's turned up on fucking Twitter! No time for podcasting but plenty of time for social networking. What a cunt. Joel Murray's here instead. He'll probably go on about fucking sheep or something. I don't mean having sex with sheep. I'm just in a sweary mood. Fucking sheep.

Want to buy my stuff? Go on. It's dead good. Look how amazing your life would be if only you bought more stuff of me. Go on.....

Are you still here? Damn right you are. We got 2 5* iTunes reviews you know. We're dead funny us. If you liked the smell of coffee why would you never want to try it? You'd have to be utterly mental. Or Joseph Tarpey. What a cunt. If you were an intelligent human being would you think that randomly arranging 1s, 2s and Xs into a 10x10 chart would be a good way to make your fortune in the bookies? You'd have to be utterly mental. Or Joseph Tarpey. What a cunt. An utter utter cunt. And a night rapist.

We're back!!! You've missed us, right? Every day you've been checking you're iTunes, longing for a new episode of "Avoiding The Issue" to be available to download. Every day the disappointment increases. The feeling of desperation grows by the hour. At times you wonder whether it's even worth carrying on. "Maybe if they can't be bothered to just get together and chat shit for half an hour, I can't be bothered to go on living" you say to yourself, eyeing up the jumbo box of Wilko's value painkillers. STOP!!!! DON"T DO IT!!! The wait is over!!! No longer will you have to be disappointed by the lack of new episodes of everyone's third favourite podcast. I can hear what you're saying. "I'm really glad they're back but is this the best they could come up with? They could have at least spent a bit of time while they weren't podcasting coming up with some new ideas or at least something of interest to talk about. This is just a pretty poor version something from the last series.....Fuck this. Where are those pills??"

We didn't want to put this podcast out. We didn't even want to record it. It was fate. We had no choice.

Kidney or IPad? Kidney or IPad? IPad. And Paul's man boobs.

Tarpey has AHDH. Apparently. Bob is sceptical. Paul is a cunt. Adele is fat. And a cunt.

Superinjunctions could be the death of the kiss-and-tell, so we discuss where celebrity culture is heading, via rape and doggy fingering.

Paul's back and has promised to stop being a massive racist. The news has been a little slow of late but we managed to find something to talk about. Go on Youtube and look up Dennis Madalone. You won't be disappointed.

This is a genuine message of good-will to Kates and Bills.

Joe and Bob are joined by Joel Murray, all the way from deepest, darkest Sheffield. Paul is banned for being a massive racist. The pros and cons of AV are discussed along with the sexual preferences of the average man from Devon. Or Cornwall?

Bob has a new iPhone 4, welcome to civilisation son. Should gaming achievements be rewarded with sexual encounters, should they? What ended the cold war? Tradition, toffs and an obscure take on the boat race.

Some things are spoken of, some e-mails are dealt with. Comedy minus jokes, plus jokes, minus surprise equals what? Anything at all you want to say to us? avoidingtheissues@gmail.com.

Another shambolic chat with your three favorite twats. Quite a slow burner this one but there's a few good gags build up with an absolute corker at the end. In fairness we were better in the taxi earlier this evening but that didn't get taped. Want to know what gets covered? HARP, The Word & False Accent Syndrome that's what. Probably best not to listen if you're deaf, you may be offended.

With little to no sense of irony we discuss the ability of this podcast to induce sleep. Along with hairdryers, vaccum cleaners and running baths. Also the credibility of Paul Mckenna is, shall we say, scrutinised and leads into a chat about what one would do if one was invisible.

It may well sound here like we didn't know we were going, but we jolly well did. We talk about geese as little Neil Hanson asked us to.

Happy New Fucking Year.

Who won the hardest pub quiz in Leeds? Is it okay to play with your kids presents before they get to open them? What has been good in 2010? All answered here. Happy Christmas.

450 downloads of the first two podcasts? Are these people mental? The misanthropic tendencies of Joe are juggled with here.

Following the recent departure from this life by Bernard Matthews, we discuss his legacy, his begginings and what the fuck he must have thought of Jamie Oliver. We're getting funnier at this and remember it is all jokes we mean no harm. Tangents guaranteed. If you want to say anything to us, get a mention or give us some cash then get to Twitter and do whatever it is you do on Twitter and find me @joetarpey. Peaces.