Uneaten Food: A Bachelor Podcast

We're counting down the days until this trainwreck of season is over. Or at least until we get to meet Corinne's nanny.

The day of reckoning has come. A pox on every house. Lord Nicolas shows no mercy and follows his bruise'd heart . . . while leading women to the guillotine.

Michael Jordan. Abraham Lincoln. Milwaukee. In what is arguably the best and inarguably the most quotable episode of the season, our women move from checkers to chess. Kristina makes a power play. Taylor lectures the owner of a multimillion-dollar company. And Raven throws elbows to edge out Reese Witherspoon as America's Southern sweetheart. Strap on your stilettos, y'all. Episode 4 nothin' but fun.

And lo, the day of reckoning with Vanessa hath come. But first: Backstreet Boys, barfing, bouncy boobs and bouncy houses. Until Taylor is freed from the mansion, there are no 23-year old therapists to help us -- so let's psychoanalyze it here. Deep breaths.

Our villain is out in full force. Our villain's boobs are out in full force. There are secrets, helicopters, and Buick convertibles –- just another week at the Bachelor mansion.

What have we done to deserve this crop of women? What have you done to deserve this podcast? Nothing. We worked hard to create a show worthy of these limo exits, diving deep into strategy and predictions, with appearances from Destiny's Child, Oprah, Michael Scott, Ron Burgundy, and even Meatloaf himself. Put on your 3D glasses, kids. The season has begun.