Highpocracy

We're back, baby. After a brief hiatus brought on by a minor case of international judicial intervention, we've returned to the studio to solve problems and drop truth bombs once more. From space, this time. It'll all make sense soon, we promise. This episode, we solve a bumper crop of problems, including the ongoing threat of thermonuclear war, how to get away with deicide, and Hollywood's underappreciated role in keeping us all safe at night. Plus, we say goodbye to an old friend.

Money corrupts. That's just a fact. But you know what money can't corrupt? Public radio. Because they don't have any. We're teaming American Public Radio to bring you the freshest, harshest, most incisive solutions to systemic problems the world has ever seen. We power through the importance of providing schools with steady access to natural gas, how your utility company can protect you for bears, and why it's absolutely vital that every American keep an emergency supply of eel porn. Plus: we visit one really shitty fountain.

The world turns on its axis, the seasons shift around us, and the days grow short. Autumn has come upon us, bringing with it crisp morning air, golden leaves, and absolutely nothing spooky whatsoever. To celebrate, we're going on a charming drive through the scenic backwoods of West Virginia, where nothing life-threatening or untoward ever befalls anyone. To pass the time, we tackle the issues of Waldo-hunting robots, getting along with your own doppelganger, and why theme parks _really_ don't want you to ride roller coasters while pregnant. And again, nothing horrifying or dangerous happens to us in this episode. That would just be unpleasant. Plus: we give you the low-down on an undiscovered gem of an attraction that's sure to be a scream for the whole family.

Everyone knows there's only one place to go when you want to make it big in the problem solving industry. That city of shattered dreams, the jagged maw in the sunken face of our nation's democracy, the Big Turnip itself: Washington D.C.! We're here, we've got big ideas, and we're not leaving until we've found some shadowy bigshots to implant our ideas into like those gross slug things from the kids books where they all learn to turn into animals and do war crimes real good. To demonstrate our incredible problem-solving prowess, we tackle the big issues: the Philly Phanatic's capacity for murder, mysterious Canadian poop rain, and the shameful under-appreciation of rat performance art. Plus: we visit DC's scenic Southwest Duck Pond, and boy is it something! It is literally something.

We've made it down to the Florida Everglades, hot on the trail of the Sunshine State's most engimatic problem — the mysterious, belligerent, and seemingly superhuman Florida Man. Although let down by some substandard weed (hot tip: never score in Carolina), we still muster enough creativity to critique society's old-fashioned ideas about names, tackle the hot-button issue of finger gun control, and work through the logistics of fighting literally everyone at a Chili's. Plus: we visit the Cassadaga Spiritualist Camp and graciously explain to the gathered psychics why their entire lifestyle is an moral affront that must be stopped.

Highpocracy is dead! Long live Highpocracy... on the road! It's a brand new season, and there's a whole country of problems out there just waiting to be solved! We're hitting the road in our dearly disowned brother's car to try and track down the worst offenders, and you're all invited along for the journey. You'll laugh, we'll cry, and we'll probably all learn a bit about each other along the way. For our first stop, we visit the historic Jerseyland theme park to seek our literal fortunes. With the "help" of Jerseyland's Zarthos the Magnificent, we delve into whether racist dogs should be allowed to run for office, why old people hate cosplay, and whether camels are morally obligated to abuse botox. Plus: we appreciate the erotically patriotic statuary of Atlantic City in our very first Local Strains segment.

We may have survived the rabid dogs' assault at the end of the last episode, but now it's time to blow this shit-smeared popsicle stand and escape for good! With the help of (spoilers) our long-lost brother Ben and Burt, Ryan's nightmarish living bong, we're gonna snatch our freedom from the unpleasantly literal jaws of our enemies! Of course, it wouldn't be Highpocracy if we didn't solve some problems along the way. Covered this episode: how to avoid a dystopian future in which we are all slaves to our own cardboard surrogates, the issue with surgeons with artistic aspirations, and just what the heck are all these Portugese children smoking. This episode brought to you by Stamps.com Oh, also this is like... a season finale or something? Things are gonna be different around here next season. Probably better. Maybe worse. We promise it will be familiar, but not too familiar. You get the drift.

Well, it finally happened. We've run out of weed, we've run out of problems to solve, and the rabid dogs are going to eat us. We are, to put it politely, mega-fucked. We're not going down without a fight, though. Using every ounce of creativity remaining to us, we tackle the problems of impromptu retail security, zucchinis that resemble bombs, and Thailand's pending war against gasoline-addicted monkeys. We're definitely going to die, though. I don't know why we're even bothering to write this. This episode brought to you by Squarespace.

It's a new episode, and we're celebrating with a brand new bong! Unfortunately, it's sentient. And terrible. Still, with the help of some rambunctious neighborhood kids who just want their baseball back, we're able to solve the problems of terminal brand dilution, booze-slinging Alaskan taxi cabs, and fraudulent psychics who prey on well-meaning public officials. This episode brought to you by a very special legal opportunity.

We're back from taking a much-deserved break after our traumatic encounter with the devil last episode. Good news, though -- Ryan has a brand new heart, the rabid dogs are nowhere to be seen, and the studio is full of adorable woodland critters who can't wait to share problems with us! Pull up a patch of grass, spark a cheeky bowl or three, and join us as we solve the problems of weather-controlling beasts, beautiful criminals, and the devaluation of pizza arcade tokens. This episode brought to you by Hairy's Used Razors

Ryan's back from the hell portal he opened last episode, but he had to sell his soul to do it. More importantly, we're now besties with the devil, and he/she/they're super chill. Buoyed up by the first new friend we've made in months, we tackle the problems of unhealthy marital one-upsmanship, reckless public gecko exposure, and the unlawful arrest of a man who just wanted to get his lampposts home safe. Can we solve them all before Ryan's physical form crumbles into dust? Only one way to find out! This episode brought to you by Casper Mattresses.

When the living run out of problems to solve, the dead are sure to provide. We dive headfirst into some dark magicks in order to confront the passing of a dear friend, the appropriation of some deeply held beliefs, and how to make the best of being trapped inside an ATM. This episode has no sponsor. We couldn't do it, and we apologize. Also, if anyone has seen Ryan recently, please tell him to come home. His family misses him.

Highpocracy moves into the 21st century as we catch up with some long-lost friends on the hit new social network BudSpace. Along the way, we solve the problems of America's unruly elderly, disrespectful journalists, and the coming war between snakes and mailmen that will claim us all. We also develop our own social media presence, which you should totally follow us on. This episode brought to you by Extreme Restraint.

The team at Highpocracy is expanding, as we've hired a new team of interns to help us find and vet problems for us to solve (just don't tell them they're not getting paid)! They help us dig into the issues of spacebound sandwiches, increased shark mobility, and what to do when you outgrow your childhood dad. This episode brought to you by Smokey the Bear and the U.S. Parks Department.

We've got a new paperboy! With his help we deal with the problems of negative municipal externalities, wrathful gods, and the drawbacks of using shellfish as a building material. Now if he'd only stop trashing that creepy neighbor's house... This episode brought to you by Green Apron.

In our pilot episode, we solve the problems of floating Alaskan strip clubs, unwanted sex dummies, and the intricacies of modern real estate listings, all while fending off the wild dogs that continuously circle our studio.