Darin Tries to Understand Harry Potter

Harry is on his own, a lonesome man, unhoused, unhinged, unmoored, anchorless. Like a ship without a rudder, cast into the night. And then the freaking Magic School Bus picks him up and they learn about science.

Strap yourselves in for a whole lot of discussion about theories of justice. Which is what I know you came here for.

Wherein Harry Potter sits around like a freaking emo kid the entire chapter. He chases around a book at one point, but even that isn't particularly interesting.

Wherein the book comes to a thankful end. And I get all whiny about a bunch of stuff. This one's good, I swear.Please rate and subscribe. Alternatively, do not do those things. I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life. You can get mad at me via email at darintries@gmail.com You can get mad at me on twitter at @darintries

Wherein a single sentence derails this entire project, Tom Riddle does a Rod Serling impression, and some other nonsense happens. The best practices of content creation in Capitalist America demand that I tell you to "be sure to like and subscribe and leave a five-star review." But you don't have to if you don't want to. I won't be upset. This content is free, it's sponsorship-free, and it's "begging for money on Patreon"-free because, dammit, some things ought to exist outside of the profit motive. If I had my druthers, those things would include healthcare, basic social services, and college education, but all I can deliver at the moment is this strange podcast about Harry Potter. You can follow me on twitter, if you'd like, though I don't do much tweeting these days, at @darintries. You can email me at darintries@gmail.com. Or just find me and talk to me like a real person. I'm around.

Wherein we finally find out who has been singing those Fury of Five covers (It's a snake). Some other stuff happens, too, but frankly I don't really remember anymore. Music by the Future Virgins (RIP)Subscribe and review because algorithms rule everything around us.Follow me on twitter at @Darintries.

Wherein the Hogwarts nursing staff is as incompetent as everyone else in the wizarding world; Harry and Ron sing Social Distortion songs with a spider king; and, really, what would this podcast be without a lengthy, pedantic discussion of narrative structure? Music by the Future Virgins (RIP)Subscribe and Review. Or don't. Whatever.Follow me on twitter at @Darintries. Or don't. Whatever.

Wherein we meet a Keebler Elf with a questionable sense of due process rights, Hogwarts undergoes some frankly much-needed personnel changes, and I discuss the role of humor in the book.

Wherein Bossy Girl tries out the furry lifestyle, Harry Potter finds a book that doesn't have anything written on it and keeps it anyway, and Ginny hires a dwarf to beat up Harry Potter. There's also an extended discussion of the nature of evil with a, let's say, tangential relationship to the chapter.Like and Subscribe and review and all that. Follow me on twitter: @Darintries. The theme song is by the Future Virgins (RIP)

Wherein Harry forgets to take off his shoes, figures out how to make a Buddhist Monk jealous, and learns about the Hogwarts to Azkaban Pipeline. Oh, and Ginny tries to understand “Darin Tries to Understand Harry Potter.”

Wherein people don't like Harry Potter anymore; some guy named Justin takes a nap; and I wonder, when I sing along with you, if everything could ever feel this real forever.

Wherein I had to cut out a whole section of this episode about my idea that Quidditch is just a figment of Harry's imagination because a) I didn't actually believe it; b)I discovered an even better conspiracy theory, and two seemed excessive; and c) I don't think anyone should have to listen to me talk about children's books for more than 20 minutes at a time.

Wherein Harry and the gang discover that the Chamber of Secrets has something to do with ethnic cleansing, the metaphysics of ghosts are as baffling and nonsensical as everything else in this book, and Bossy Girls prepares to ask some tough questions.

Wherein Harry gets in trouble for tracking mud through the floor like he's freaking Marmaduke or something; some ghost has his birthday on Halloween because he's an attention-starved diva who can't be bothered to observe it a day later; and Harry and the gang listen to some New Jersey Hardcore.

Wherein the racial politics of wizards and muggles is discussed at a length that borders on tedious, we get some fun celebrity cameos, and Darin tries to set the record straight about Nas's sophomore effort "It Was Written."

Wherein the author has a lot of nothing to say about the nature of celebrity, some dork in a Mid-Atlantic accent comes in to ruin the book, and the Pixies put on a rowdy concert.

Wherein Harry and Ron fly to Hogwarts, Harry and Ron get in trouble for flying to Hogwarts, and Darin blathers on about Weberian disenchantment for some reason.

Wherein a whole bunch of people go shopping, and two grown men display some serious toxic masculinity.

Wherein gnomes are thrown and lampshading abounds.

Book 2 Chapter 2 Wherein Harry meets a masochistic slave elf, and I try to figure out how anyone could possibly enjoy the prose.

Wherein Harry has a birthday, the narrator continues to be fatphobic, and the book is fascist.

Wherein the book ends.

Wherein Harry and the gang walk into a room. And then another room. And then another room. And then another room. And then anoth...

Wherein Hogwarts' disciplinary system is just as nonsensical as everything else about Hogwarts, and we are introduced to not one, not two, but three Centaurs.

Wherein there's a dragon, for some reason. Oh and we find out that wizards have the power to completely upend ontological foundations. So that's cool.

Wherein we find out who Nicolas Flamel is, we become insanely dissapointed by who Nicolas Flamel is, and I complain about how I don't like the villains.

Wherein some actually endearing and intriguing things happen for once.

Wherein Bossy Girl becomes not bossy, Bossy Girl sets a dude on fire, and Harry eats a ball that's also a bird.

Wherein the rules of Quidditch are discussed, and so is the bullshit concept of being a "natural."

Wherein I complain about the narrator, and about Harry's characterization, and about Hogwart's baffling pedagogy.

Wherein I decide I don't like any of the characters and then drone on and on about Erich Fromm's Escape from Freedom, and how that maybe relates to Harry's predicament.

Wherein Harry and, conveniently, everyone else we give a shit about all go to Gryffindor. And we have to pretend to be impressed by a singing hat.

Wherein we meet a bossy girl and some evil kid and some other kid. And the ideological implications of educational institutions are tediously discussed. Oh and I make fun of the prose.

Wherein Harry goes shopping, there's some bizarre sexual innuendo, and the narrator seems to exhibit some strange anti-semitism.

Wherein I struggle to figure out the allegorical significance of the muggle/wizard dichotomy.

Wherein Harry goes through extreme psychological torture, the Dursleys still completely baffle me, and the wizard school bureaucracy is totally inept.

Wherein I stumble upon some serious body shaming, toxic masculinity, and snakes on a plane. I didn't like this chapter very much :(

Wherein I try to figure out what a muggle is, and why there are all these dudes in weird robes, and whether I should care about the interior life of some guy named Dursley.