Night Terrace: For Your Ears Only

Welcome to the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. Agent Susan Denholm has prepared this series of instructions to help you maintain physical and mental preparedness, even when circumstances prevent your regular training regimes. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page. Hello Agent. If you are listening to this, it is because the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. has been instructed to go deep underground, and you no longer have access to our agent training regime. Key to being a good D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. agent is staying at peak physical condition, and ensuring you keep your surveillance and analytical skills highly attuned. In the event that you have been assigned to Stage 4 or similar “lockdown status”, use this audio module to maintain your training schedule. I will relay a set of instructions which you will need to access via your portable communications device.  Listen to a complete instruction, and follow it before listening to the next directive. You should also record visual evidence of your observances during this mission with said device. We obviously can't have this transmitted back to the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. in the usual way. As such, we recommend using a code to ensure our analysts can track your data transmissions. Transmit your data with code #TerraceTo5K via the public yet unassumingly covert platforms symbolised by either a bird, or a 1970's camera. You may need to share intelligence with other agents, but be sure that you can trust them. Assume a covert disguise; I recommend attire that is comfortable to move in, and will help you blend in with your surroundings. Intelligence indicates that Active Wear or All black with a handmade face mask is most suitable in your jurisdiction. Please remain aware of your surroundings at all times. The D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. cannot use its sophisticated surveillance equipment to warn you of imminent threats such as cars, bicycles, magpies or social media influencers. You are responsible for your own wellbeing while following these instructions. When you have arrived at your primary location, commence from instruction 1.

The first instruction for the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page. Move along the street in the direction of the upward gradient. It is better to deal with an incline now. Should you need to return to base at speed, a downwards gradient will be of greater aid at that time.  If you are unclear which direction is up, you may need to work on honing your skills of observance. Consider this carefully, and remember – a well-trained agent may need to trust their instincts when the best path is not the most obvious one. Follow this instruction until you come to a right turn. You'll know the one.

The second instruction for the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page. Now that you have turned right, increase your pace. Remember your training: if you don't want it to look like you a running, lengthen your stride ever so slightly more. Agents who have been on extensive D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T desk duty may notice a slight burning in the hip flexor area. Sink into it. Feel that burn. But do remember that the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T does not offer comprehensive health insurance. That's what Medicare is for. 

The third instruction for the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page. Scan your periphery. Are you being followed? You may need to alter your path. Cross to the other side of the asphalted traffic movement area. If in doubt, bend to tie your shoelace then do a subtle U-turn. How did I know your shoes had laces? If you had followed agency protocol, and intelligence reports of local attire, you should currently be wearing runners, converse sneakers or black Doc Martens boots.

The fourth instruction for the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page. While the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. is operating underground, I am unable to give you clear coordinates for this mission. Use the initial of your middle name to plot your path. For example, if your middle name is Zoe, travel along the street heading East, then diagonally across the street, then head East again. If it's Luke, turn left (not right, Donna) at the end of the road. If it's Warren, I don't know what to tell you. Figure it out.  At the end location, there will be an item of interest to the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Use your toileting entertainment device's camera function to discreetly snapshot this intelligence, then transmit back to the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. via the channel of the bird, using #TerraceTo5K. Our analysts will know what to do. Ensure that the subject within the image is not necessarily the object of first focus. Remember: we are testing your ability to code your message within a message.

The fifth instruction for the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page. You have been detected by a rival agency utilising the latest bio-tracking technology. Walk quickly to the nearest nature dominant area, and find a section of grass that you can be seated on. Close your eyes, so a retina scan cannot be performed, likely leading to your identification. Slow your breath. Breathe in for 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and out for 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. And repeat. Acknowledge every bone in your body, every muscle, every organ – except of course the ones that the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. has removed. No one really knows what a spleen does, after all. Good work, agent. You have successfully evaded identification. Resume your covert persona and take a selfie - for that is what normal humans do. Include a location item in the background, so that our agents can log this as an area patrolled by those who seek to destroy us. We cannot allow them to destroy the equipment.

The sixth instruction for the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page. There is a building to the northwest. Move toward it.

The seventh instruction for the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page. Once at this location, listen very carefully. I shall say this only once. Our analysts have intercepted reports of strange noises at this location. We need your assessment, Agent. Transmit either a transcription of the first sentence overheard, or do your best to mimic the sound you hear. Transmit via the bird channel or the medium of weighty moments.

The eighth instruction for the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page. A good agent does not form bad habits. Find the next street that you have not yet travelled upon, and turn into it. Do your highly attuned D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. instincts suggest that you don't take this particular path, due to an unsavoury smell, sight or feeling? If your mother told you to jump off a cliff, would you do it? Clearly not. Take the next one, Agent.

The ninth instruction for the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page. Agents can often scope out their environments undetected by utilising reflective surfaces. Find one. Use your device to send a demonstration of your covert observance skills, transmitting using the code that you really should have memorised by now. Do I have to tell you again? 

The tenth instruction for the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page. Complete a bio scan of your human flesh. Where are the areas of current weakness? If in the lower abdomen, look to where the water flows. If in the throat area, you may need to hydrate. Drink 1 fnub. If you have not prepared for this mission adequately, stay true to your disguise and locate either a café or a craft beer establishment. Yes, I am aware that D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. agents have been trained to only ingest tea, due to the high risk of contamination by the cacao bean and barley crops of Bantonerro. This is an assumed risk, and it will do you good to build up a digestive resistance.

You have completed the D.E.P.A.R.T.M.E.N.T. Stage 4 Training Module. Please listen to Agent Susan Denholm's concluding remarks. A transcript appears below. If you require clarification, please visit the FOR YOUR EARS ONLY information page. Good work, Agent. You have completed the regime, undetected. We know that being in the field incommunicado can be tough. Remember to fill the well. Bake yourself a sugary treat, pick a flower hanging over a fence and technically on public property, or take some time to experience some locally made, high quality audio comedy. You deserve it.