Dear So and So

How do I get my books back from a former friend and ex-lover—is the appropriate channel through his new girlfriend? Am I being rude or difficult if I tell people on a conference call that I can't hear them? If I REALLY want to pay for dinner, should I start a Venmo war with my dining partner? Or should I just run after our server and pull her ponytail until she runs my card? Plus: Alyssa teaches us how to divine someone's dream sandwich.

How do I let the rest of my party know I don't intend to share my dessert? Can I abandon my wife in line and use TSA PreCheck when we travel as a couple? Who should initiate flirting in a bartender-patron situation? And can I be sure I'm actually crushing—what if all I really want is a free glass of wine?

Do I have to come clean to the person I want to marry that on our first date, I let her believe I was someone she'd already slept with: my twin brother? Someone embarrassed me in 1974, will I ever get past this? How do I hold onto my low-FOMO after lockdown? Plus, we settle “but you told me to hurry!” speeding ticket disputes for everyone involved, once and for all.

Is it "unphysical abuse" and a "disservice to his feelings" to name my cat Richard? How do I tell my mother-in-law that my five-year-old doesn't need haute couture? Should I attend the wedding of two people I don't recognize and am not even sure I know? Plus: Is Alyssa telling the truth, can I reset my sweat?

Celebrating fifty episodes and one entire year of Dear So and So, we hosted a live anniversary show on Zoom and you came through and this is IT! Featuring special guests Kristen Carlisle, Bizzy Hemphill, and Mona Blumstein. (16:50) It's a zebra-print bikini top. (47:16) The question polled was: Do Steph and/or Alyssa give you a lot of unsolicited advice, or do they channel it toward the show?

I took a new job, I found out it's a cult, what's my next move? What's more unprofessional: covering your cubicle in positive affirmations, or rolling your eyes at them so hard you can see the back of your head? Plus, what on earth is an Apology Dinner and is one happening right now at your local PF Chang's?

How do you tell someone to stop lighting things on fire in the office bathroom? Is it possible to make new friends on a cruise ship if you're unemployed? Sometimes my coworker completely transforms her appearance on her lunch break and I'm worried it's unprofessional, but is it, in fact, awesome?

My nanny makes wacky cakes that my children love, but I think they're amateurish. Can I put a stop to this? Did I tank office morale when I flung a sandwich at my frosty boss? Plus, is there a point at which minimalism becomes maximalism again?

How do I convince my family I'm not rejecting my Jewish heritage—should I stop hosting Easter egg hunts? How do I make my unwilling single friend adopt my child if I die? Most importantly, how do you deal with girlbosses who crash your parties, trick your friends into buying their "healthy chocolate," and ignore your requests to cut it the #$%@ out?

I’m writing to ask for your permission to be petty. How do I force guests to use my napkins and not their socks? Are bras over? How is your late-pandemic anxiety expressing itself?

I love an all-white interior, but sometimes my elite guests spill red wine on our carpets and couches. Can we serve champagne and champagne only from now on? My boss is trying to get us to stop saying um, uh, and like by reprimanding us at a company-wide event we call "The Shaming." Um, is that, like, even possible? And: Is it wrong or is it right to mix two half-pots of old coffee?

Am I wrong to feel violated after I was undercover bossed? How did this email chain become the place to performatively thank the host, and why wasn't I bcc'd? Plus, a call in about a long-lost chocolate cake found.

Someone spilled the tea with me while I was drunk, zoned out, and staring into the middle distance, how do I get them to tell me that hot goss again? How do I get my mom to stop telling me to meditate? Plus, a listener seeks advice after an awkward Zoom meet-up for dogs.

Can a friendship ever recover after someone's asked "what's the catch"? Should our mom jeans embarrass us? How do we stop our friend from coming over without asking or knocking? Plus: Steph and Alyssa answer YOUR themed bathroom questions.

Can you give me one good comeback I can use all the time? My friend said I was "sparkly," how do I extract revenge? I supervise a witch who's putting curses on the other employees—help! Plus, is it possible to be in a relationship with someone who makes a podcast?

My teenage sons hate my immaculately curated One Direction themed bathroom, do I have to redecorate? Does wearing shorts in winter make me a “bad influence”? Also, whenever a customer is an unreasonable jerk, my supervisor will pretend to fire me on the spot just to watch them squirm. It’s hilarious. Is it ethical?

Can I ask my neighbor to replace the robo-vacuum he exploded, even though this robo-vacuum was my pal and truly irreplaceable? Are we ever too old to LOL? Plus, a sister-in-law is inconsolable over a deep-fried pickle. We do our best, but she sounds really upset.

How early do you greet a coworker from the other end of a long hallway? How should my restaurant prevent salt and pepper shaker theft? When someone clinks a glass and hijacks everyone's attention, is there anything I can do to take back the floor?

I hate when my neighbor waves to me from her Range Rover, how do I get her to stop? How much stock should I put in signs? Also, we tackle a real-life hypothetical and answer a question from the year 2121.

Is it embarrassing to tell somebody you've purchased a first-class ticket? Why does my son's girlfriend refuse to do "kitchen work" with me? I'm loud, I've always been loud, is there anything I can do? Plus: the final word on the yarmulke discount and a listener explains Florida.

Our employees must take paid time off for their birthday every year, but because one of them was born on Leap Day she only gets hers every four. Why is she so upset? Everyone else loves this policy! PLUS: My girlfriend inherited a set of tiny forks. I hate eating with them, so I hid them in my van. I know it wasn't ethical—just tell me, who's really the asshole here?

Is it ethical to wear a yarmulke just to get a discount? Is it ok to blame capitalism for how bad I am with money? How do I cut a Zoom short when the other person is caught up in their own performance? Turns out I'm boring now because of quarantine, how can I be less boring?

How do I get my prospective employer to ignore the fake references I provided? How do I tell my French host family that I'm not pregnant, I just meant to say I was full? How do I let my housekeeper know I don't need their input on my jigsaw puzzle? Does stealing a slice of pizza really stick it to the man?

In this fresh-start episode we put our best foot forward and our worst foot forward too, with special guest Jim White. Happy 2021 everybody!

My boss engaged me in a power play at our shared gym, what's my next move? Do I have to lie to everyone about my age just because my friend lied about hers? Do you need help entertaining your mom during her next visit? We love moms, calls us: DAD-DOG-5078.

All of your holiday questions, answered: Can I gift my in-laws a trash can? Do I have to associate with people who put applesauce on their latkes? Who came to our party and ate the gingerbread house? WHODUNNIT?!

I won a golf trip with my company's least liked executive, how do I get on his good side? This job application asks me to rank atrocities: what is worse, imprisoning an innocent person or poisoning the city water supply? Plus, Alyssa and Steph reveal the spooky story of how they met.

Is it a crime to tell my daughter what WAP means? Can I commandeer the host's kitchen right before the party starts? Do I have to explain to my kid's teacher how her pretend election was unnecessarily sexual? How do I break up with someone who tried to blow up a 5G tower?

I'm a teapot manufacturing thought leader, do I have to wear this conference's ill-fitting t-shirt? My teenage daughter is a filthy capitalist, is it ok that I'm kinda proud? If you don't want people to talk to you on an airplane, you have to put your headphones in, right? Isn't that still the rule?

Can a couple with 24 items use the 12 item line at the store? Why should Rite Aid employees treat me like a "guest"? Have you met Marty the Stop & Shop robot, and do you kiss the ground he rolls on? Also, thank you ServSafe for educating everyone on rage in the time of COVID.

My coworker is asking too many basic q's on slack—is she actually an imposter, possibly a bot? My passive-aggressive neighbor bought bird-saving accessories for my cats, do I have to give them back or can I sell them on Ebay? Let's find out what a cat bib is. Also: forget matte, get ready for everything in high gloss.

Will an NDA keep my parents from blabbing my business? How do I get my fiancé to quit No Nut November so we can consecrate this marriage? How am I supposed to protect others' egos when my dog is so obviously talented and gifted?

What foods are and aren't appropriate to include in a smoothie? And is Alyssa juicing wrong? Also, my girlfriend chose to save the wrong thing in a fire—can this relationship be repaired?

This week we delve into the spooky, scary, and haunted in a Halloween episode featuring guest Bizzy Hemphill.

How do I stop my husband from opening a restaurant and from quoting social media influencers? My daughter says I should tip more than ten percent but I refuse, so where do we go from here? A listener asks: am I the right person to introduce my twin sister to the body positivity movement? Plus, Steph and Alyssa have a eureka moment and define a new stage of human development.

Now that I work from home (where it's harder to hide her) do I have to tell my business partner about my secret baby? I don't understand why my employer won't call me Lord!? Also, we answer a question that's plaguing het couples world over, I guess: Tattoo Trouble—part two.

In this very special episode we follow up with guest Kristen Carlisle who asked us: How discrete should I be about watching a tv show when I live next door to the celebrity host? Also, how do you winterize a koi pond, and can I do it myself? Is it wrong to steal my ex-boyfriend's ashes from his wife? How do I stay motivated when everything I was looking forward to has been canceled or moved to an online format that SUCKS?

Should we hide the Squatty Potty in our guest bathroom? Should pizza delivery folks pay for their mistakes? My wife got a tattoo without telling me and I am so so so hurt—why didn't my wife ask MY permission to mark her body?

How do I rekindle the spark in my marriage after my wife was chased by a bull during an Adventure Race? We offer up financial advice we are in no way equipped to give (um, definitely don't ask us about stocks). Plus, Alyssa talks bungee jumping and Steph wants to keep her teeth.

We are wildly unqualified to solve other people's problems, so this week we call on a professional—sort of. On our new segment, "Ask an Unlicensed Professional," we welcome social worker in training Jemma Stromwick to answer some serious stumpers. 

How discrete should I be about watching a show when I live next door to the star? I need to throw out a mildewy mattress, can I avoid my neighbors' judgment? When I wasn't home someone cleaned up my porch without my consent, DURING A PANDEMIC, what the actual #$%?? Plus, Steph reveals an obsession.

Can I make my husband get rid of his hideous Taco Bell booth? I work with a space alien, is it a gift or a curse? Listeners: Can you help us find Alyssa's doppelganger in Boston? Apparently they do an "activity."

Can I celebrate Hanukkah with my preteen if we're not Jewish? How can I stop getting invited to tupperware parties? Plus, we answer a write-in about strange dishwashing behavior.

Is it best to stay chill when your boss keeps telling you to "calm down"? Also, how do you discuss important things and pressing matters when your brother's new girlfriend demands "NO politics!!"? Plus: we answer another write-in from Chaz about CEO DJs.

Do I have to tell my girlfriend I've been lying about being Jewish—for three years? Also, when is it OK to let a friendship end? Plus, we answer another listener question and prescribe the medicine every "Alpha Dog" needs.

This week we only answer questions YOU sent our way! Mona returns, and Steph has a burning question of her own.

When is it time to call it quits on a pair of pants? Can I move into a haunted house if the only person who senses the haunting is my Mother in Law? Also, we answer another question about themed Christmas trees and delve into the joys of coffee preparation.

This week we tackle questions that sound more like statements: Hey, don't do yoga stretches while I'm talking to you! Boobs without bras embarrass me! I don't want to ask my sister if she's practicing witchcraft! We get it. We've got opinions too. And this episode is chock full of them.   

This week we answer a live question with a SURPRISE guest! Other burning Q's include: I don't want to honor my fiancee's food heritage because my ex is allergic, should I call off the wedding? How do I tell my in-laws to stop mailing me inedible, pre-packaged cookies from all the way across the country that I do. not. want?!

This week we're joined by artist-composer Bizzy Hemphill to answer several important questions. What is the best way to hang all 500+ of my shirts without breaking the bar in my closet? How do I fall out of love with this Trump supporter (the solution isn't self-evident to me)? Plus: join us for a tournament of bad fonts.

This week we answer our very first listener question: How do I get my coworkers to take me turkey hunting? Others include: It's messed up that my kid's teacher made some students "managers" and others their "employees." Can I say something? Was it wrong to make my twin pretend to be me at my in-laws Christmas Eve party, or was it just wrong to reveal that we'd duped them so soon?