Heartside Chats w/ Dr. Chelsea Wakefield

In episode 11, Dr. Wakefield and Lisa discuss the challenges of communication in a relationship.  It takes emotional maturity to pause, reflect, and slow down especially when conflicts escalate. Also in this episode, you will learn more about: John Gottman's "4 Horsemen of the Apocolypse" - the most destructive dynamics in communication- Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. The power of using “I” language.  Saying what you notice, feel, and want without blaming, or projecting by avoiding sentences that start with “you.” The Who, What, When, Why, Where, and How in Communication between couples. 

Chelsea and Lisa talk about how important it is to be "curious instead of furious." They visit topics covered in Chelsea Wakefield's book, The Labyrinth of Love" related to curiosity.  They cover topics like: The uselessness of getting stuck in a "what happened" argument. Understanding our partner's Love Languages - paying attention to what speaks love in THEIR world.   Shadow boxing - when we get caught in circular conflicts where we are just reacting to our partner's reactivity, and we are both upset about something outside of our conscious awareness (phew! kinda deep!) How it helps to think about having two "inner cast of characters" so that we can figure out how to love each other well or avoid getting caught in battles between one person's "inner teen" ("you are not the boss of me!") and the other person's "critical parent."     How our nighttime dreams can inform us about emotional dynamics that are going on in the underbelly of our relationship. How to create an "exit ramp" off the conflict highway.

In this episode, Chelsea and Lisa engage in a lively conversation about the importance of setting intentions early in the day and how we can communicate more lovingly and effectively in all of our relationships!

In this episode Dr. Wakefield and Lisa, discuss the love capacities of courage and curiosity. It takes a lot of courage to face ourselves and to learn things about our partners that are surprising and sometimes disturbing. This is where we begin to encounter the fullness of who they are. This is where the real relationship begins! The “learning conversation” - how relationship can be like an anthropology study. It is so important to cross the bridge into the other person's world and try to look out of their eyes and their experience instead of constantly interpreting everything they do and say thru our own lens of understanding. When we seek to understand the other person, and listen deeply, it is an act of love. People feel loved when they feel understood. Surprises - what to do when you discover your partner's unexpected “raw spots.” The powerful pause – when we are upset, how important it is to step back and pause before we believe the story our minds are telling us about what is happening and react from that place. How doing our personal work improves ALL of our relationships. In doing so, we do our small part towards the realization of peace on earth. That's why we always want to BEGIN WITHIN!

Dr. Wakefield and Lisa explore the love capacity of courage and how important it is in the journey of love. Courage is built by practicing it. Loving someone will inevitably involve some pain, because we are all imperfect people. So, how do we keep our hearts open? The greatest enemy of love is fear. For people with a history of trauma, how do you take that self-protective "heart-wall" down and have the courage to love again? Dr. Wakefield and Lisa offer some helpful suggestions for ways of sustaining a life of love in an imperfect world.

Dr. Wakefield and Lisa cover a lot of topics in this episode, beginning with a discussion about labyrinths, and how walking the path of relationship is like walking a labyrinth. We cover the difficulties of being with a partner who is not interested in doing any personal work and the questions of “should I stay, or should I go?”. We delve further in the six love capacities by talking about commitment. How it is to a person, a process and to presence. We talk about the problem of an “instant pudding” culture, where people are in search of a “soul mate” – the perfect relationship, without engaging in a process of learning, growing and co-creating together. The soul mate relationship is developed versus found! We also talked about the importance of downshifting and “landing” when we come home from a busy day, putting those devices down, and sharing silly moments, including the “whole family hug” to reinforce a circle of love. More about the six love capacities to come! If you are enjoying the podcast, leave us a review and a starred rating! This helps others to find us. If you have a question or a topic you'd like to hear more about email us at heartsidechats@gmail.com

Dr. Wakefield and Lisa talk about developing the capacity to “shift states” – moving out of our responsible parent selves into playful lovers and true friends. They discuss John Gottman's, “four horsemen of the apocalypse” – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling and how these become corrosive in relationships. Dr. Wakefield suggests that before blaming a partner for our distress, we should do our own inner work first. We are often "shadow boxing" when we don't understand the root of our distress. When both people do this, they become insightful partners, and can create "exit ramps" off the conflict highway. Luminous Woman Weekend coming up - September 9-11! Check it out! https://chelseawakefield.com/luminous-woman-workshop/

Dr. Chelsea Wakefield and co-host Lisa Stutzman Graves discuss topics in Chapter 5 of Dr. Wakefield's book, The Labyrinth of Love,.what happens in "the swamplands." This is the time we find ourselves moving deeper into the relationship. Our inner abandoned kids, vulnerable teenagers and array of other characters start to show up and we don't know what to do about it. Intimate relationships stir up a lot of memories from the past, memories that have been dormant for many years. Dr. Wakefield answers an email from a caller who wants to know about second marriages and how to get off to a good start. This returns us to the topic of expectations, assumptions and projections and how projections and how we can never do enough "pre-marital" counseling to cover everything we will encounter in a deepening relationship. What we can do is to commit to an ongoing process of doing our personal work and staying engaged and present to each other in the interpersonal realm. Sometimes projections can feel like intuitions - both positive and negative. Does intuition exist? If so, how do we know the difference between projection and intuition? If we holding our "intuitions" and invested conclusions about who this other person is and what they are about lightly, we can encounter them with loving curiosity and continue to learn about them. This will create a safe space for them to show up as they really are so that we can see them more clearly and love them more dearly.

This week Chelsea and Lisa talk about how our early experiences can develop “complexes” or triggers in us. These can easily get stirred up as our partners become emotional important to us. They discuss helpful ways to try and deal with this.

Dr. Chelsea Wakefield and Co-host Lisa Stutzman-Graves talk about how once two people start to really matter and the “you and me”becomes a “we,” all sorts of surprising and often unsettling emotions can arise. How we were loved and responded to in our early years imprints our sense of trust in love, and how comfortable we are with closeness. Our unexpected differences pose relationship challenges.

Author of "The Labyrinth of Love" Dr. Chelsea Wakefield and Co-host Lisa Stutzman-Graves talk about the intoxicating effects of falling in love with a new person, how to deal with the transition into a long term relationship and how to resolve conflicts with loved ones to maintain a strong bond.