Podcasts about defensiveness

What happens when someone says something about us—and before they've even finished speaking, we're already preparing our defense?That's not what I meant.That's not what happened.You don't understand.Defensiveness can show up quickly. We explain. We justify. We shut down. We counterattack. Or we become so focused on proving that we're right that we stop listening.But what if defensiveness isn't simply something we need to get rid of?What if it's trying to tell us something?In this Sound Bite, inspired by my recent conversation with Kerry Siggins about hard conversations, feedback, and trust, I explore defensiveness through a different lens: not judgment, but curiosity.Our brains are designed to help protect us. And the things we perceive as threatening aren't always physical. Feedback can bump up against our sense of competence, our intentions, our identity, our belonging—or an older story we carry about ourselves.That may be why a comment that seems relatively small can sometimes create such a big reaction.A Question to ConsiderKerry offered a question in our conversation that got me thinking:Am I trying to be right—or am I willing to be curious?Because being curious doesn't mean the other person is right.It doesn't mean we have to accept everything someone says about us.And it doesn't mean poorly delivered feedback suddenly becomes okay.It simply creates enough room for us to ask:Is there something here I can learn?This reflection also inspired the third Girl, Take the Lead! Reflection Panel:When DEFENSIVENESS shows up...PAUSEWhat am I protecting?Am I trying to be right?What can I learn?How do I want to respond?That last question matters.The PAUSEBecause the goal isn't to never feel defensive. The goal may be to notice when it happens—and create enough space between the feeling and our response to choose what comes next.Maybe we own something.Maybe we apologize.Maybe we ask another question.Maybe we clarify what we meant.Maybe we ask for time to process.And sometimes, after considering what we've heard, we may decide that the feedback simply doesn't belong to us.Receiving feedback doesn't require accepting all of it. It asks us to be willing to examine it.The Girl, Take the Lead! Reflection Panels are handmade reminders designed to help us pause, reflect, and get curious when familiar feelings or patterns show up.You can find the Reflection Panels and other handmade cards in the Girl, Take the Lead! shop:Girl, Take the Lead! ShopThe next time defensiveness shows up, instead of judging it or immediately acting on it, what might happen if you ask:What is this trying to tell me?Listen to the Conversation That Inspired This Sound Bite321. Hard Conversations: Clarity, Kindness, and Trust with Kerry SigginsAvailable on Girl, Take the Lead! wherever you enjoy podcasts.Connect with Girl, Take the Lead!Website: girltaketheleadpod.comYouTube: Girl, Take the Lead!LinkedIn: Yolanda “Yo” CannyInstagram: @girltaketheleadpodFacebook: Girl, Take the Lead!Pinterest: Girl, Take the Lead!Coming NextNext time, I'm joined by Riana Malia, an identity architect for high-achieving women who've built extraordinary lives—except for the thing they may want most: love that matches them.Riana is a Board-Certified Integrative Neurosomatic Practitioner and creator of the Extraordinary Love Method™ and Extraordinary Love Index™.And yes—I took the Index myself.We'll explore the patterns we may carry into love and relationships, what those patterns may be trying to protect, and what can happen when we begin to see them more clearly.

What does capacity really mean in life and leadership? Most people chase impact by adding more effort. A Definition Rooted in Real Experience Dr. Warner defines capacity simply. Why Effort Without Capacity Fails Many high achievers put in massive effort. The Four Layers of Capacity Capacity is not one single thing. Resilience Capacity Resilience capacity works like a gas tank. Pressure Capacity Pressure capacity acts like a greenhouse. Emotional Capacity Emotional capacity overlaps closely with emotional intelligence. Cognitive Capacity Cognitive capacity covers memory, focus, planning, and strategic thinking. Measuring Nervous System Capacity with The Capacity Code Blueprint Dr. Warner developed a tool called the Capacity Code Blueprint. Why Naming the Problem Matters Naming something gives it power. Dr. Warner sees this constantly with clients. Tracking Progress Over Time Clients often retake assessments after six months. No Standard Toolkit - Building Capacity is Personal There is no universal list of resilience tools. Nervous Systems Are as Unique as Fingerprints Every nervous system develops its own response pattern early in life. Faith, Rest, And Building Capacity: Designed for Work and Rest Dr. Warner connects her capacity work directly to her Catholic faith. Living Authentically Opens Doors Returning to her faith felt uncomfortable at first, especially at work. Closing the Gap Between Effort and Impact The core message is simple. Website for Dr. Lizette Warner Additional Resources People-Pleasing: Break Through Anxiety and Stop Sacrificing Yourself to Lead with Calm, Confidence, and Consistency Perfectionism and Anxiety: How striving for perfection is keeping you from being a calm, confident, and consistent leader Loosen the grip! Anxiety and the need to control aren't helping you. Comparison, Imposter Syndrome, and the Anxiety Response Loop that negatively influences the ability to lead Break through Anxiety, Avoidance, Defensiveness, and Overreacting to lead with calm, confidence, and consistency Two Loops Every Leader Experiences and How to Break Free Everyone needs rest to reduce anxiety, including you. Read the full notes and access all links. Book a discovery call with Robyn.

Send us Fan MailSome marriages don't need more love. They need less defensiveness.Because sometimes your partner says, “That hurt me,” and instead of hearing them, you start explaining why they shouldn't feel that way.They say, “I need more from you,” and you start listing everything you already do.They bring up their pain, and you bring up their mistakes.Eventually, they stop talking.Not because they stopped caring.Because they stopped believing they could reach you.And listen—validating your partner's feelings does NOT mean agreeing with every accusation or admitting you're a terrible spouse.You don't have to agree with your spouse's pain to care about it.Your partner cannot repair what they aren't allowed to tell you is broken.Support the show

Ever notice that the moment your wife points out something you did wrong, your brain suddenly becomes a highly motivated defense attorney?She says, “You forgot.”You explain why.She says, “You hurt my feelings.”You explain what you meant.She says, “You're getting defensive.”“I'M NOT GETTING DEFENSIVE.”Welcome to one of the stranger features of the male nervous system.In this episode of The Evolved Caveman, Dr. John Schinnerer explains why men get defensive when confronted, why being wrong can trigger anger so quickly, and how to stop defensiveness before a small disagreement turns into a three-hour marital shitshow.The surprising part?Defensiveness often isn't arrogance.It's protection.For many men, criticism activates something deeper than the issue being discussed. A mistake can quickly become:"I screwed up” → “I'm failing” → “There's something wrong with me.”That shift from guilt to shame can happen in seconds.And once shame gets triggered, your nervous system may react as though something important is under attack.That's when the Knight shows up.Using Dr. John's Inner Kingdom model, you'll learn how the vulnerable Squire can interpret criticism as a threat to your worth, competence or identity and how the protective Knight immediately jumps in to argue, justify, counterattack, explain or shut down.Unfortunately, the Knight has one major weakness:He wants to win.Your relationship needs something different.It needs the King.The King can tolerate discomfort long enough to ask:“What if there's something here I need to understand?”In this episode, you'll learn the three-second sequence that drives defensive anger:Feedback → Meaning → Threat → DefenseYou'll also discover why successful, capable men may be especially vulnerable to defensiveness when competence has become closely tied to self-worth.Dr. John breaks down the difference between explaining yourself and actually taking responsibility, including one simple rule that can dramatically change difficult conversations:Ownership first. Context second.You'll also learn a practical three-step reset for catching defensiveness before it takes over:1. Notice the body.2. Find the hidden meaning.3. Put the King back on the throne.Instead of arguing, try:“You may be right. Tell me more.”“My first reaction is to defend myself. Give me a second.”You'll also get Dr. John's four-part repair formula:Acknowledge → Own → Get Curious → RepairBecause your wife doesn't need a husband who never screws up.They need a man who is reachable when he gets something wrong.Why do I get defensive when someone criticizes me?Why do I get angry when I know I'm wrong?Why does my wife say she can't bring anything up with me?How do I stop being defensive in my relationship?Want to Go Deeper?Read Dr. John's article on Why men get annoyed when they're wrong at GuideToSelf.com.And if you're tired of realizing what you should have said three hours after the argument is over, try Proxi He.Proxi He is Dr. John's AI coach for men, built from more than 30 years of helping men handle anger, stress, relationships, communication, purpose and emotional intelligence.It gives you support in the moment when your Knight is reaching for the sword and your King has apparently left the building.Start your free trial:https://ProximityCoaching.com/he

Emotional Safety: Stop Using It as a WeaponEmotional safety is supposed to help couples have hard conversations, not become a shutdown phrase when accountability gets uncomfortable. John and Echo unpack how “I don't feel safe” can turn into emotional manipulation, defensiveness, and a way to avoid real repair.In This EpisodeEmotional safety is not a weapon to avoid accountabilityFeeling uncomfortable does not always mean you are unsafeDefensiveness can make your partner stop opening upMen need emotional space in relationships tooVulnerability is not the same as attacking your partnerAvoid words like “always” and “never” during conflictBoundaries should not become a way to shut down conversationsReal safety means staying in it and working toward repairTimestamps0:00 — The Emotional Safety Trap5:16 — What Emotional Safety Really Means10:28 — Unsafe Versus Uncomfortable14:20 — Why Emotions Aren't Supposed To Be Easy17:49 — Defensiveness, Consequences, And Feeling Heard21:34 — Emotional Safety Is A Bubble, Not A Line24:43 — Recognizing When You Shut Your Partner Down29:24 — Better Ways To Bring Up Hurt Feelings37:20 — The Water Bottle Apology Example44:01 — Accountability, Ego, And Making Men Feel Heard52:36 — Boundaries, Therapy Words, And When To Walk Away59:35 — Closing Thoughts And How To Send QuestionsConnect

Lyn sits down with licensed clinical social worker and couples therapist Keith Jordan to explore what it truly takes to mend and sustain romantic partnerships. Drawing on four decades of mental health experience, Keith breaks down common relationship pitfalls—from communication breakdowns and infidelity to escalating retaliations—and offers actionable strategies to diffuse tension before it destroys trust.  Together, they unpack why active listening must replace defensiveness, how setting personal boundaries differs from controlling your partner, and why shedding rigid "shoulds" opens the door to genuine emotional growth. KEY TAKEAWAYS True active listening requires giving your partner full, uninterrupted attention rather than formulating a mental rebuttal while they speak. Establishing boundaries should focus on identifying and expressing your own core needs rather than attempting to dictate what your partner should or should not do. Limiting speaking turns to 60 seconds prevents overwhelming monologues and allows partners to clarify meaning rather than making defensive assumptions. Overcoming defensiveness begins when individuals realise that conflicts are not an attack on their character, opening the door for constructive problem-solving over blame. BEST MOMENTS "Listen to what they're saying from their point of view rather than preparing your rebuttal to what they're saying."  "A lot of argument... happens even though people are actually in agreement, but they don't realise that they are."  "Defensiveness often is... a reaction based on the person trying to assert that they're a good person, as if they're being accused of not being the right kind of person..."  "Concepts of what how things should be, you know, the world doesn't really operate according to should. It's a man-made construct, it's not really a spiritual concept at all." ABOUT THE HOST Lyn Smith – (The Queen of HEARTS) – Love, Dating & Relationship Expert Lyn's personal story is a very inspirational and harrowing one of how she went from having unhealthy and unfulfilling relationships with men (on the back of several serious traumatic sexual assaults in her teens) to now feeling safe, fulfilled, alive, full of passion and having inner peace. She has a proven track record as a Love Solutions - Relationship Expert/ Trainer/ Inspirational Speaker and Best-Selling Author based upon her own vast personal research, experiential learning and training with the world's leading industry experts. Lyn makes a difference by helping you make a difference; she has a vision of contributing back on a global scale. Contact Method lyn@hearts-entwined.com This Podcast has been brought to you by Disruptive Media. ⁠https://disruptivemedia.co.uk/

Years ago, a high-net-worth event organizer in Napa told me something that stung at first and changed how I think about growth forever. I walked away from a speaking engagement proud of adding value and got humbled in the best possible way. In this episode, I break down why being open to challenge is faster than any strategy, why your ego is quietly blocking the best advice you will ever receive, and how a small, sustained shift in direction changes your entire destination. The lesson I learned that night applies to your career, your relationships, and every goal you are chasing right now. Key Takeaways Perspective shifts are only possible when you are genuinely open to being wrong. Defensiveness disguised as confidence is just stagnation. The higher you climb, the smaller the adjustment you need. You do not have to overhaul everything to move forward in a meaningful way. Your ego is not your enemy, but it will fight every person who tries to help you grow if you let it run unchecked. The people worth listening to are the ones who gain nothing from your success. Find those people and actually hear them. A small change sustained over time reshapes your entire trajectory. You do not need a dramatic reinvention. You need a consistent nudge in the right direction. Action Steps Identify one piece of advice you dismissed in the past because your ego was in the way. Revisit it today with fresh eyes and ask yourself if it has merit. Write down the names of two or three people in your life who want you to win and have nothing to gain from it. Schedule a conversation with at least one of them this week. Choose one small behavioral shift you can commit to daily for the next 90 days. Track it and trust the compounding effect instead of waiting for dramatic results. Notable Quote I love being wrong because that means I have room for growth.

What do you do when “this hurt me” gets heard as “you're a horrible person”?In this mini episode of The BPD Bunch, Xannie, Justin, and Kaelah talk about criticism, splitting, defensiveness, and how to have difficult conversations when someone with BPD is highly sensitive to perceived rejection or shame.They get into what has actually helped in their own relationships, including balancing compassion with accountability, avoiding assumptions about someone's intentions, knowing when to pause a conversation, and accepting an uncomfortable reality: there may not be a perfect way to say something that guarantees the other person won't become upset or dysregulated.Topics include:* BPD and criticism* BPD splitting* Sensitivity to rejection and shame* Defensiveness in relationships* Communicating with someone with BPD* Walking on eggshells* Emotional dysregulation during conflict* BPD relationships and accountabilityIf criticism has ever sounded completely different inside your head than the words someone actually said, this conversation may feel very familiar.We're taking a three-week break from our regular episodes to answer some of your questions! This season, we're exploring BPD through the lens of the Alternative Model for Personality Disorders (AMPD), and we'll be back with our next full-length episode on September 16 with an episode all about impulsivity.___

Talking about sex can feel awkward—even with the person you love most. But avoiding the conversation doesn't make the issues disappear. It often creates more distance. In this episode, Dr. Kim and Nancy have an honest, grace-filled conversation about building a healthy sexual relationship through open communication, emotional safety, and mutual respect. They share lessons from their own marriage, discuss why every couple experiences different seasons of intimacy, and offer practical ways to have conversations about sex without shame, fear, or defensiveness. Whether you've been married for six months or sixty years, this episode will encourage you to communicate with honesty, pursue one another with love, and create an environment where intimacy can continue to grow. Main Takeaways: Every marriage experiences different seasons of intimacy—and that's normal. The healthiest conversations about sex happen when both spouses feel safe, heard, and respected. Comparison is one of the quickest ways to create dissatisfaction in your marriage. Small, honest conversations build stronger intimacy than avoiding difficult topics. A thriving sex life isn't about perfection—it's about pursuing one another with love, grace, and intentionality. Quotes from this Episode: Dr. Kim Kimberling "Our marriage is not just about sex. It's about all of life, and our intimacy has to fit the season we're in." "When you approach conversations about sex with love instead of criticism, you're setting your marriage up to grow instead of to fail." "Don't compare your marriage to Hollywood or someone else's story. You have to define what works best for the two of you." "Stay at the comfort level of the person who's least comfortable. There's always another way to build intimacy together." "It's not really about the quantity of sex—it's about the quality of the connection." "The goal isn't proving who's right. The goal is making your marriage better together."     Nancy Kimberling "We've always approached these conversations with love, not a critical spirit." "Nothing is more personal than your own body, so sharing it with someone else is the ultimate vulnerability." "Warmth is the best culture to keep between you when you're talking about intimacy." "Emotional safety is foundational. It's hard to be sexually vulnerable if you don't feel emotionally safe."   Time to Talk About it: What helps you feel the safest, most loved, and most connected to me—both emotionally and physically? Are there any conversations about our intimacy that we've been avoiding? If so, what's one small step we could take to talk about them with honesty and grace? What's one thing I do that makes you feel pursued, appreciated, or desired, and what's one thing I could do more often? What would it take to take our sex life up one point? How can we make that happen?   Mentioned in this Episode: Sign up for our daily One Thing email! Our Love Making Survey is a great way to keep conversational loving rather than critical.  Sex is intended to be a gift for your marriage, if you're having a hard time talking about it with your spouse, try this resource: 62 Questions About Sex. Want an opportunity to dig into God's Word with your spouse? Find Awesome Marriage on YouVersion. You'll love our 14 Keys to Lasting Love. Check it out with your spouse! If you haven't browsed our site, you've GOT to check out the marriage resources we have over at AwesomeMarriage.com, and browse our online courses at AwesomeMarriageUniversity.com !  Be the first to hear about all things Awesome Marriage, receive monthly bonus content straight from Dr. Kim and Mrs. Nancy, and take advantage of big discounts by becoming a Marriage Changer!   

Talking about sex can feel awkward—even with the person you love most. But avoiding the conversation doesn't make the issues disappear. It often creates more distance. In this episode, Dr. Kim and Nancy have an honest, grace-filled conversation about building a healthy sexual relationship through open communication, emotional safety, and mutual respect. They share lessons from their own marriage, discuss why every couple experiences different seasons of intimacy, and offer practical ways to have conversations about sex without shame, fear, or defensiveness. Whether you've been married for six months or sixty years, this episode will encourage you to communicate with honesty, pursue one another with love, and create an environment where intimacy can continue to grow. Main Takeaways: Every marriage experiences different seasons of intimacy—and that's normal. The healthiest conversations about sex happen when both spouses feel safe, heard, and respected. Comparison is one of the quickest ways to create dissatisfaction in your marriage. Small, honest conversations build stronger intimacy than avoiding difficult topics. A thriving sex life isn't about perfection—it's about pursuing one another with love, grace, and intentionality. Quotes from this Episode: Dr. Kim Kimberling "Our marriage is not just about sex. It's about all of life, and our intimacy has to fit the season we're in." "When you approach conversations about sex with love instead of criticism, you're setting your marriage up to grow instead of to fail." "Don't compare your marriage to Hollywood or someone else's story. You have to define what works best for the two of you." "Stay at the comfort level of the person who's least comfortable. There's always another way to build intimacy together." "It's not really about the quantity of sex—it's about the quality of the connection." "The goal isn't proving who's right. The goal is making your marriage better together."     Nancy Kimberling "We've always approached these conversations with love, not a critical spirit." "Nothing is more personal than your own body, so sharing it with someone else is the ultimate vulnerability." "Warmth is the best culture to keep between you when you're talking about intimacy." "Emotional safety is foundational. It's hard to be sexually vulnerable if you don't feel emotionally safe."   Time to Talk About it: What helps you feel the safest, most loved, and most connected to me—both emotionally and physically? Are there any conversations about our intimacy that we've been avoiding? If so, what's one small step we could take to talk about them with honesty and grace? What's one thing I do that makes you feel pursued, appreciated, or desired, and what's one thing I could do more often? What would it take to take our sex life up one point? How can we make that happen?   Mentioned in this Episode: Sign up for our daily One Thing email! Our Love Making Survey is a great way to keep conversational loving rather than critical.  Sex is intended to be a gift for your marriage, if you're having a hard time talking about it with your spouse, try this resource: 62 Questions About Sex. Want an opportunity to dig into God's Word with your spouse? Find Awesome Marriage on YouVersion. You'll love our 14 Keys to Lasting Love. Check it out with your spouse! If you haven't browsed our site, you've GOT to check out the marriage resources we have over at AwesomeMarriage.com, and browse our online courses at AwesomeMarriageUniversity.com !  Be the first to hear about all things Awesome Marriage, receive monthly bonus content straight from Dr. Kim and Mrs. Nancy, and take advantage of big discounts by becoming a Marriage Changer!   

Why the Word “Consistent” Triggers Defensiveness Well, hey there. Welcome back. Boy, you sure are consistent! Well, I just jump right into that, don’t I? Let’s talk about that. Let’s talk about being consistent and consistency, because that’s one of those words you hear and you’re like… what? It’s certainly something that naturally affects and engages your defense mechanisms, because if someone says, “You need to be consistent,” they haven’t even told you whether you are or not, and now you immediately feel like you’re under attack. “Well, I’m… I’m consist- what am I not consistent in?” Or even if they’re teaching you a new skill or this is part of your onboarding, and they say, “Okay, and so you’re going to do this, and you need to do this consistently.” “Well, oh, okay, because I was going to immediately default to doing it haphazardly and randomly.” It’s one of those words that really is overused because it sounds important. In fact, I’ll tell you, I’ll go as far as to tell you that there are a lot of dating profiles that use this as as part of their filter, and it says, you know, “How do you win my heart? How do, you know, what’s impressive to me? Be consistent.” What? What? Who are you? Hello? The Built-in Consistency vs. Action So, there really are two parts of this, isn’t there? There really are two parts. The first part is just taking this at face value and not assigning it to any other action. Being consistent means you did that thing again. You’ll continue to do that thing over and over again. You do it on a regular basis. You do it on a predictable schedule. Well, that sounds as neutral as monsters and unicorns, doesn’t it? “I’m consistently going to drink and drive. I’m consistently going to be late. I’m consistently going to forget my homework, be rude to clients, and, um, forget the shower.” So what they really mean is for you to do that thing they like, that thing they value, consistently. The problem is they don’t tell you those things they like and those things they value. Now, getting back to the job interview or the onboarding, yes, that’s where they tell you, “Hey, you should do this thing.” And then that’s where they say, “Do it consistently.” But again, the word sort of loses meaning because we’re talking about your persona. Your default persona is to do the things you’re asked on a regular basis, on a predictable, measurable intensity that’s equal to or greater than what people need and want. Repetition: The Real Secret (but you knew that if you read BeCAUSE!) So, what do you do? Because it sounds like it’s a skill that’s, well, not a skill, right? “I’m going to learn consistency.” Well, consistency with what? “Consistency with all the good things. And I’m going to learn the opposite of consistency with all the bad things.” Wait a minute! Hold the phone. Now we’re back in monsters and unicorns territory. In fact, we’re even before the monsters and unicorns. We’re in the territory of repetition. So at risk of repeating myself—get it?—let me talk about repetition, which we have a number of times, and if you’ve read Because, you know that that’s really… well, the secret is repetition with everything. It’s how you get really good at good stuff, and it’s how you get really bad at bad stuff. So what they’re asking you when they say “be consistent” is: utilize the magic of repetition for the things that I want you to do. But here’s the problem with that: if they want you to do a thing that’s either not in your wheelhouse, something you don’t feel comfortable about doing, or simply not something that’s in your skill set that you want to do, repeating that is not going to happen, because you don’t like it. Now, this is the part where I say, “Well, you can engage a monster or unicorn to get you to do these things,” because that is how they work. But again, being consistent in a thing that isn’t your thing is a waste of your time and energy. Do you see how the more we examine this word, the more it kind of falls apart and it’s just annoying? I’m sorry, it just is. The word consistency and being consistent is… is just become such an annoying buzzword that it has very little meaning. And I’d submit to you that if you push back on the person that says it to you, they’ll say, “Well, I… well, wait.” They will have a little bit of a meltdown and they will struggle to tell you what they’re saying, and then they’ll completely reframe it in a way that isn’t consistent. We’re having fun, aren’t we? How can I be more consistent? So what can you do when you encounter this in the wild? Well, you can take the step back and see it for what it is. If someone just says “be consistent,” you need to question what it is they’re talking about. If it’s something you are expected to do, you can sort of look inwardly and say, “Can I do that on a regular basis that’s predictable and of high quality?” Yes? Okay, sure, great. I’ll be consistent with that. But there is also the part of you that says, “Well, why is my ability to be consistent even being challenged?” Because that’s an overarching attribute. Now, you may go years and even decades without anyone even telling you to be consistent. Consistency may not even be brought up at all in your job, your career, your relationship, anything. It just may not come up, and you’re very fortunate. But I think for some people, it… it does come up, especially in new relationships. And a new relationship, whether it is personal or work or client-related, you will see consistency come up. You’ll say, “It’s what separates us from the other guys. We’re consistent. We’ll be there. We do something the same way over and over again, and you can depend on us.” And dependability is a big, powerful magic word in all relationships, isn’t it? If there’s someone who does your plumbing and they’re dependable, that’s going to rank very highly in your matrix of saying, “Am I going to keep that person on? Am I going to call them again?” In the creative realm, that is something that comes into question a lot. A lot of times creativity has pretty high ups and downs. People may do something really am- they’ll create something amazing, but they don’t do it consistently, right? They may come out with some sort of art piece or what have you and say, “That was really cool,” but like a lot of their other stuff is garbage, like, “I don’t like their stuff. Once in a while, they… they make something great. I don’t know what they’re thinking with this other stuff they make.” Or with music, you know, you buy an album in the olden days and you got one song. You had to pay for the whole album just to get one song out of it. I think consistency is something we struggle with with our kids. When you have young kids, and especially teenagers, getting them to be consistent is hit-or-miss. And you’ll note as part of their personality, they may be someone who’s just consistent. You may have multiple kids, and there’s that one kid who sometimes gives you a hard time and a lot of friction, but when they do it, they do it really well. You can always depend on them. So, when you’re on the receiving end, recognize it for what it is and help yourself to define it above and beyond the way they are defining it. If it’s as an output from you, if you’re saying it to other people, then again, make sure that you are connecting consistency with the thing, the action. And from a personability and likability standpoint, questioning someone’s consistency when they haven’t demonstrated that they don’t have it may not go over very well, so treat it lightly. I hope that makes sense. I hope you enjoyed this, and I will talk to you later.

When King Josiah's workers rediscovered the lost Book of the Law in the temple, he faced a critical choice: react with defensiveness, fall into shame, or choose true repentance. Join us as we trace Josiah's radical reforms in 2 Kings, explore Jesus's call to be the salt of the earth in Matthew 5, and learn how God promises to give us a brand-new heart.Be sure to follow 614 Church online:Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/614_church/Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/614church/Website: https://www.614church.orgTo support our ministry, https://614church.org/give/To fill out a contact card so we can stay in touch, click the link below!https://614.churchcenter.com/people/forms/283193Until Everyone Knows Jesus.

WelcomeHello, lovelies. It's Juliette here.You say one true sentence:“I felt a bit alone this week.”And four seconds later, you're somehow having a completely different conversation.He's explaining how hard he works.He's reminding you about the time you did the same thing months ago.Or he's gone completely quiet.And suddenly, you're the one saying:No, no, no. I didn't mean it like that.So what happened in those four seconds?You said:“I felt alone.”But his system may have received:“You failed me.”Not necessarily as a conscious thought. The body can brace before the sentence has even finished.And when feedback and failure land in the same place, that brace can look like defensiveness, explaining, arguing, or shutting down.Over time, you learn to say less.You soften the edges. You wait for a better moment. You decide it isn't worth the forty minutes of repair afterwards.Eventually, “I felt alone” becomes:“I'm fine.”But that creates its own distance.In this episode, I'll show you how to recognise the loop happening between you, name its shape without blame, and use structure to create a safer way to speak and actually be heard.Because sometimes it isn't about finding better words.Sometimes the words simply need a safer place to land.The Touch ResetIf you love someone but can't seem to find the door back into connection, The Touch Reset helps you understand the patterns happening between you and begin changing them.Start by taking the quiz to discover your pattern and his holding pattern, then explore the steps that can help you rebuild connection, safety, and intimacy together.Touch Reset: https://feelfullyyou.com/touch-reset-quiz

Ask Us A QuestionYour partner finally tells you that something you do hurts them. And before they even finish, you're already explaining. "That's not what happened." "That's not what I meant." "I never meant it that way." "Well, you do it too."That's defensiveness. But, it never feels like defensiveness from the inside. It feels like telling the truth, which is why it can chew through a relationship for years before anyone catches it. And nobody gets a hall pass here. Staci does it. Tom does it. Brooke does it. You do too, probably in a way you'd never think to call defensive.So here's what we're after today: if defensiveness is supposed to protect us from getting hurt, how come everybody who leans on it ends up hurting more?We get into how fast this stuff moves. Staci says the emotional safety in your relationship doesn't wear down over years, it's gone in a nanosecond, and there's a balloon analogy in here you won't be able to unsee. Also why "that was never my intent" might be the most defensive thing you can say, even when it's true.And the part we'd stay for: there's one sentence that gets you out. Three words. It works mid-argument, it works when you're wrong, and it works when you're dead certain you're not. Not spoiling it here.Brooke tells the story of what her partner said to her about six years ago, the thing that rattled her more than anything else in their relationship. Including the part where she still couldn't admit he was right for months after. She's not the hero of that one and she tells it anyway.Fair warning: you might get a little defensive listening to a whole episode about defensiveness. Happens all the time. That's usually the good part.Press play before the next round of that same fight.A Quick Note: For the next several weeks we're bringing back the episodes you've asked for and downloaded the most. Our family is heads down on two things we can't wait to share with you: two brand-new resources we're putting the finishing touches on, and our very first international retreat in Tuscany, Italy. Brand-new episodes are back mid-September.Take the Better Love Quiz: If you can feel that something is off and you can't tell how serious it is, this is where to start. 22 questions, about five minutes, and you get an honest answer to the question you've been carrying around at 2:00 in the morning. You also get your skill score, so you know where to begin instead of guessing. Completely private. Only you see the results, and your partner is never contacted.betterlovequiz.comWork With Staci: If you know you need more support than a quiz right now, book a private session. This is exactly what we do with couples: helping them get better at emotional weightlifting so the same fight stops running the relationship.stacibartley.com/private-sessions

Defensiveness can shut down a conversation before you ever get close to resolving anything. But sometimes it's not just what you're saying—it's how you're approaching the conversation. In this episode, I'm giving you three simple ways to lower someone's defenses without avoiding the hard conversation. We'll talk about why words like “always” and “never” immediately put people on guard, how to use “when you, I feel” instead, why finding something you can agree on changes the tone, and how turning commands into “we” questions can keep you on the same team. Join me on Supercast for ad-free episodes, bonus content, and AMAs: https://jefferson.supercast.com/ Leave me a voicemail to be featured on the show! https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/ask-jefferson  Order The Next Conversation Workbook: https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/workbook Thank you to our sponsors: AG1. Visit https://drinkag1.com/jefferson and get a FREE AG1 Flavor Sampler and a FREE bottle of Vitamin D3 + K2 in your Welcome Kit with your first AG1 subscription order. Factor. Head to https://factormeals.com/jefferson50off and use code JEFFERSON50OFF to get 50% off and 1 free breakfast item per box for 1 year. BetterHelp. Click https://betterhelp.com/jeffersonfisher for a discount on your first month of therapy. Order my book, The Next Conversation, or listen to the full audiobook today. Like what you hear? Don't forget to subscribe and leave a 5-star review! Suggest a topic or ask a question for me to answer on the show!  Want a FREE communication tip each week? Click here to join my newsletter.  Join My School of Communication Watch my podcast on YouTube  Follow me on Instagram  Follow me on TikTok Follow me on LinkedIn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Why do we become defensive when we receive feedback... even when we genuinely want to grow?In this episode of Strength in Numbers, Jilann continues the Quiet Strength: The Power of Heart Postures series by exploring one of the biggest obstacles to an open heart: defensiveness. Whether feedback comes from a trusted friend, a difficult conversation, or an unexpected life circumstance, our first instinct is often to protect ourselves instead of remaining curious.As the podcast celebrates four years, Jilann reflects on one of the biggest lessons she's learned: growth doesn't happen because we have all the answers. It happens because we're willing to keep learning.Drawing on the Enneagram's Centers of Intelligence, you'll discover how different personality types naturally respond when they feel challenged and how greater self-awareness can help you receive feedback with humility instead of fear.Why defensiveness is a natural response; and how it can quietly limit your growthHow the Enneagram reveals different defensive patternsWhy feedback is information, not your identityPractical ways to respond with curiosity instead of self-protectionHow an open, teachable heart strengthens your leadership and relationshipsReflection questions to help you grow through feedback rather than resist itIf you're a quiet leader who wants to lead with wisdom, humility, and confidence, this episode will encourage you to embrace growth, even when it's uncomfortable.Join our next Quiet Strength Gathering!Keywords: quiet leadership, receiving feedback, defensiveness, personal growth, leadership development, Enneagram, self-awareness, emotional intelligence, teachable leadership, humble leadership, Christian leadership, women in leadership, open heart, Strength in Numbers podcast.

Do you ever feel like your teen knows exactly how to push your buttons? It's easy to focus on changing your teen's behavior, but what if the biggest shift starts with you? Many parents unknowingly carry emotional wounds from their own childhood that shape how they respond to conflict, criticism, and connection with their teens. In this episode, Dr. Cam sits down with licensed therapist, attachment expert, and bestselling author Eli Harwood to explore how healing your own emotional baggage can transform your relationship with your teen. Together, they discuss the impact of generational trauma, why secure attachment doesn't require perfect parenting, and how balancing emotional warmth with healthy boundaries helps teens grow into confident, independent adults. If you're ready to break unhealthy family patterns and build a stronger connection with your teen, this episode offers compassionate, research-backed guidance. WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE How unresolved emotional wounds can affect the way you parent your teen Why secure attachment comes from balancing emotional support with healthy boundaries How to stop repeating generational patterns and build a stronger parent-teen relationship Why repairing mistakes—not being a perfect parent—is what helps teens feel safe and connected

Text us your questions or topics for the show! We got you!MorrowMarriage.com | Disrupting Divorce With The “New” MarriageCass and Kathryn came back from the depths of hell to save their marriage and keep their family together.  Battling narcissism, abuse, reactive abuse, emotional, physical and sexual assault. Listen as they share their lessons, actionable steps and real life examples from even the worst of their story. Unscripted, real, raw and against the grain from society's example of marriage - currently leading to the demise of nearly 78% of all marriages today.Inspiring couples around the world...If they can save their marriage from toxicity, abuse and a sexless marriage - not only survive it all... but THRIVE... what's your excuse?Join Cass & Kathryn as they flip divorce statistics and fulfill their purpose in life.Have your own questions or topics you would like us to cover? Let us know here: https://forms.gle/7R8GBAdmQRkuZ3NFA

Warum werden Gespräche manchmal innerhalb von Sekunden zu einem Schlagabtausch? Warum rechtfertigen wir uns, greifen zurück an oder machen einfach komplett dicht, obwohl wir uns eigentlich verstanden fühlen wollen? In dieser Folge sprechen Leon und Atze über Defensivität – eine der häufigsten Ursachen dafür, dass Konflikte eskalieren und Beziehungen leiden. Gemeinsam schauen sie darauf, warum wir so schnell in den Verteidigungsmodus schalten. Außerdem geht es um konkrete Strategien für schwierige Gespräche. Eine Folge über den Mut, Kritik auszuhalten, sich zu öffnen und Gespräche zu führen, bei denen es am Ende nicht ums Gewinnen geht – sondern darum, einander wieder zu erreichen. Fühlt euch gut betreut Leon & Atze Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/leonwindscheid/ https://www.instagram.com/atzeschroeder_offiziell/ Mehr zu unseren Werbepartnern findet ihr hier: https://linktr.ee/betreutesfuehlen Tickets: Atze: https://www.atzeschroeder.de/#termine Leon: https://leonwindscheid.de/tour/ Quellen Duden. Defensivität. https://www.duden.de/rechtschreibung/Defensivitaet Eyal, T., Steffel, M., & Epley, N. (2018). Perspective mistaking: Accurately understanding the mind of another requires getting perspective, not taking perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 114(4), 547–571. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspa0000115 Gottman Institute. The four horsemen: Defensiveness. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-defensiveness/ Macri, J. A., & Rogge, R. D. (2024). Examining domains of psychological flexibility and inflexibility as treatment mechanisms in acceptance and commitment therapy: A comprehensive systematic and meta-analytic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 110, Article 102432. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2024.102432 Jenn Mahony. The frenemy within: Making peace with defensiveness for better relationships. https://medium.com/@jennifer_77872/the-frenemy-within-making-peace-with-defensiveness-for-better-relationships-cbb43cf112f9 NDR. Vergessene Wörter: Welche gehen, welche bleiben? https://www.ndr.de/kultur/gesellschaft/vergessene-woerter-welche-gehen-welche-bleiben,vergessenewoerter-100.html Wigall, N. & Cohen, A. Effective strategies for communicating with defensive people. https://psyche.co/guides/effective-strategies-for-communicating-with-defensive-people Shukla, M., & Mishra, A. (2026). Effectiveness of affect labelling as an emotion regulation strategy in individuals with high emotional reactivity: A systematic review. Current Psychology, 45(7), 683. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-026-09229-9 The School of Life Berlin. Wie wir in der Liebe weniger defensiv sind. https://www.theschooloflife.com/berlin/blog/wie-wir-in-der-liebe-weniger-defensiv-sind/ TIME. (2026, July 29). How to stop being defensive in arguments. https://time.com/article/2026/07/29/how-to-stop-being-defensive-in-arguments/ Verywell Mind. (2021). What is defensiveness? https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-defensiveness-5115075 Vorauer, J. D., Hodges, S. D., & Hall, J. A. (2025). Thought-feeling accuracy in person perception and metaperception: An integrative perspective. Annual Review of Psychology, 76(1), 413–441. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-011624-024416 Webb, T. L., Miles, E., & Sheeran, P. (2012). Dealing with feeling: A meta-analysis of the effectiveness of strategies derived from the process model of emotion regulation. Psychological Bulletin, 138(4), 775–808. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0027600 Empfehlungen: Adar Cohens TEDTalk “How to Lead Though Conversations”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZu16ZaLgJM Betreutes Fühlen - Folge “Du fühlst, was ich will” zu Empathie vom 17. Juni 2025: https://betreutesfuehlen.podigee.io/298-du-fuehlst-was-ich-will Jenn Mahony: ‘The Frenemy Within: Making Peace with Defensiveness for Better Relationships' (2025): https://medium.com/@jennifer_77872/the-frenemy-within-making-peace-with-defensiveness-for-better-relationships-cbb43cf112f9 Reaktion: Julia Ditzer

Icebreaker: What’s something you’re irrationally afraid of – or used to be? (ex. spiders, heights, public speaking…)  Observation Read 1 John 4:7–21 together. What is John trying to tell us about God's love in this passage? What reasons does John give for why believers should love one another? What reasons do we tend to use in determining how we treat one another?  Read verse 18 again.  What do you notice about the relationship between fear and love? How do you see the Trinity (Father, Son, and Spirit) at work in this passage? Does this give you any insight into the Trinity?  Application “Fear is a signal designed to keep us safe.” How might emotions be used as signals in our life?  How can fear serve as a helpful signal rather than simply something to avoid? When has fear served as an unhelpful signal in your life? What did you do about it? Which of these responses in relationships do you most identify with? Defensiveness (afraid to be wrong) Pretense (afraid to be vulnerable) Control (afraid to trust) What is a truth either from or about God that can counteract this response?  Jesus says in John 15, “Remain in my love.” What do you think it practically looks like to remain in Christ’s love day to day? How might believing more deeply that you are completely loved by God change the way you respond in your closest relationships? Close in prayer

This is a bonus episode. Every last Thursday of the month, Shane sits down with Chris Scorer to pick apart the themes from the month's podcast guests, the stuff that stuck with them, the bits they disagreed on, and where it all leads. If you listen to the main feed, this is your chance to hear those conversations chewed over properly.It's a quieter one this month, summer holidays for a good chunk of the northern hemisphere, and Chris is back after an eventful July of his own. But two short episodes turned into a properly meaty conversation, and one thread runs right through it: we do things instinctively in the classroom that we somehow forget to do when we're leading adults.They start with defensive teachers. Chris flips Shane's original question on its head, not "have you had a defensive teacher?" but "have you been one, and why does the system make us feel that way?" That leads somewhere useful. Defensiveness isn't a character flaw, it's natural, and often it's a symptom of a place that's short on psychological safety rather than a problem with the person in front of you. Shane digs into the practical side, three-point communication and the side-by-side effect, why a conversation in a car feels easier than one across a desk, and why British parliament sits the way it does. There's a lovely story about a CEO who solved everything with a pen and a bit of paper. And a genuinely practical bit for leaders: what do you actually do when you've tried all the right things and the defensiveness still won't shift?The Zaretta Hammond episode gives them plenty to sit with. Her point that learning is meant to be messy, the liminal spaces, the trapeze hanging in mid-air, and the way our results pressure tempts us to over-scaffold and quietly rob students of the struggle they need. Chris connects it to leadership: we promote strong administrators who like their bookshelves ordered by colour, then wonder why nobody feels safe to make mistakes. Shane makes the case for Zaretta as someone who holds the complexity, neither camp in the tired progressive-versus-traditional split. And there's the first pancake, which is always pants, and what that tells us about growth.The best tangent is about collaboration. Why does teaching leave people so alone? Chris brings up the group planning built into Chinese domestic schools. Shane picks it up with Shanghai maths, why importing the teacher without the conditions was an expensive flop, and how healthcare has proper supervision while teaching makes do with line management and a PD slot. They land on staff room culture, professional supervision, and Shane's argument that the problem was never the idea, it's the system that leaves teachers no time to use it.They close on the big one. Education second only to medicine, until someone in a Bucharest audience of 500 gently corrected Chris: education matters more, because medicine is about the here and now, and education is about the here, now and ever after. Worth the listen for that line alone.Episodes mentioned in this conversation:How to Defuse Defensive Teachers (solo episode) → /podcast/167/Management Mastery (Poppy Nobes) → /podcast/168/Rethinking Equity Through Learning Science (Zaretta Hammond) → /podcast/169/10 Million Views Later (Tom Sherrington, a rerun pick from Skyler Rose) → /podcast/170/What are Leadership Levers? (solo episode) → /podcast/171/Coming up next month:Tyrone Ruth on how accountability can freeze a school in its tracks, and the brilliant Jim Knight of the Instructional Coaching Group on getting back to basics with instructional coaching. Plus a few solo episodes. Keep an eye on the feed.Join us live:We broadcast Education Leaders Live on the last Thursday of every month on LinkedIn and YouTube, or at educationleaders.live. Come and bring your thoughts, your pushback, and your own stories from the field. That's what the show's for.Join Shane's Intensive Leadership Programme at educationleaders.co/intensiveShane Leaning, an organisational coach based in Shanghai, supports school leaders globally. Passionate about empowment, he is the author of the best-selling 'Change Starts Here.' Shane is a leading educational voice in the UK, Asia and around the world.You can find Shane on LinkedIn and Bluesky. or shaneleaning.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

the challenge of the unknown > the disappoint of the familiar you have to change some variables if you're trying a new experiment Study what you avoid. What makes you scared to act. Defensiveness is often protecting you from something you are afraid to face, but if you face it, you may realize your guard being up against it was the biggest hurdle. Leverage your effort into longterm upkeep of all the goodness in your life. Small repeated actions are what add up to create your life, so don't let it pass you by waiting for it to arrive."It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the most responsive to change." - Charles Darwin Read Julie's Medium Blog.Support JULIE (and the show!)Support + get some bonus stuff over on PATREON.Get an occasional personal email from me: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.comTune in on INSTAGRAM AND YOUTUBE or TIKTOK.Info on War Tax Resistance.Donate to the Palestinian Children's Relief Fund and the Sudan Relief FundThe opinions expressed by Julie Merica and Make Your Damn Bed Podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. Make Your Damn Bed podcast is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/make-your-damn-bed. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If you look for the beauty in the world, you will see it in everything. The light, the sounds, the smells, the feelings. If you look for the horrors, you'll see it in everything, too. Focus on the light so you can create and become more of it. Study what you avoid. What makes you scared to act. Defensiveness is often protecting you from something you are afraid to face, but if you face it, you may realize your guard being up against it was the biggest hurdle. Leverage your effort into longterm upkeep of all the goodness in your life. Small repeated actions are what add up to create your life, so don't let it pass you by waiting for it to arrive. It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the most responsive to change. - Charles Darwin To love someone else is easy, but to love what you are, the thing that is yourself, is just as if you were embracing a glowing red-hot iron: it burns into you and that is very painful. Therefore, to love somebody else in the first place is always an escape which we all hope for, and we all enjoy it when we are capable of it. But in the long run, it comes back on us. You cannot stay away from yourself forever, you have to return, have to come to that experiment, to know whether you really can love. That is the question-whether you can love yourself, and that will be the test. - CARL JUNGRead Julie's Medium Blog.Support JULIE (and the show!)Support + get some bonus stuff over on PATREON.Get an occasional personal email from me: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.comTune in on INSTAGRAM AND YOUTUBE or TIKTOK.Info on War Tax Resistance.Donate to the Palestinian Children's Relief Fund and the Sudan Relief FundThe opinions expressed by Julie Merica and Make Your Damn Bed Podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. Make Your Damn Bed podcast is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/make-your-damn-bed. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Are stocks reaching a new inflection point? John Kosar, chief market strategist and portfolio manager at Asbury Research, joins the “Investing with IBD” podcast to discuss why he sees a reduction in risk-taking among investors and where a potential correction takes us next. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Most of us get defensive without even realizing it — and it's one of the fastest ways connection breaks down in marriage. In this episode, we explore why defensiveness is actually a self-esteem issue at its core.We break down how defensiveness shows up differently depending on whether you're coming from shame (one-down) or grandiosity (one-up), and why neither position allows for real repair or intimacy. Sharla shares a personal story from her own life and explains how healthy self-esteem gives us the ability to feel proportionate guilt without collapsing into shame.You'll also get a simple, practical intervention you can use in the moment — including a physical technique and two powerful mantras — to help you move out of defensiveness and back into “same as” with your partner.If you've ever felt like you get defensive even when you don't want to, this episode will help you understand why… and give you tools to actually change it.In This Episode:Why defensiveness is a symptom of distorted self-esteemThe difference between one-up (grandiosity) and one-down (shame) defensivenessHow grandiosity blinds us to the impact we have on othersWhat healthy self-esteem actually looks like in real momentsA simple body-based intervention to get out of defensivenessTwo mantras to help you return to “same as”Journaling prompts to help you notice and interrupt defensiveness fasterKey Tools & Practices:Physical Centering Technique: Pull yourself up from shame or down from grandiosity until you feel centered and “same as.”Mantra for Shame: “I'm enough and I matter despite…”Mantra for Grandiosity: “Each person has inherent worth. No one more than. No one less than.”This week's journaling prompts to track your defensiveness patternsAction Step This Week:The next time you feel defensiveness rising, try the physical centering move with one of the mantras. Then journal:What triggered it?Was it more one-up or one-down?Did the intervention help?Connect With Us:Website: MasterYourMarriage.usInstagram: @masteryourmarriageFacebook: Master Your MarriageIf this episode helped you, please leave a comment or review and share it with someone who needs it.Mentioned in this episode:Research Interview RequestBefore we get back to the episode, I want to share something quick. A lot of people who listen here are looking for more support than the podcast alone can offer. Some are interested in coaching, but many want a more structured program with clear tools and ongoing guidance. We're in the early stages of creating something like that right now, and we're looking for a few people to interview so we can make sure we get it right. If you've ever felt successful in your career but disconnected at home, I'd really love to talk with you to get your insights as we create something that can genuinely help couples. This is purely for research — no sales pitch, no pressure. If you're interested, go to masteryourmarriage.us/research to schedule a quick interview.” Alright…back to the episode

Text us your questions or topics for the show! We got you!How To Be Empathetic Towards My Partner?A recovered narcissist—someone who genuinely didn't feel empathy for decades—is going to teach you exactly how to access it.In Ep458 of The 'NEW' Marriage, Cass and Kathryn Morrow break down why empathy disappears in a relationship, how to bring it back even if it doesn't come naturally to you, and what high-level empathy looks like when trust has been completely broken. Empathy isn't gone; it's buried under self-preservation. When your amygdala takes over, fight, flight, freeze, or fawn masks your ability to care.Cass shares the breakthrough moment he felt real empathy for the first time with his infant son, and details the exact two-step mental simulation he uses to connect with his family. If you've been called cold, or if you're exhausted by a partner's emotional absence, this episode will show you how to get past the walls and rebuild real intimacy.

Why do good people resist good ideas, and what happens when defensiveness gives way to curiosity?

The hardest part of parenting isn’t managing our kids. It’s facing ourselves. This week, a heated family moment revealed something uncomfortable — our children often mirror the very behaviours we struggle with. Defensiveness. Blame. Excuses. Denial. And when we see it in them… it’s confronting. In this honest Friday “I’ll Do Better Tomorrow” episode, we unpack emotional reactivity, accountability, and the power of repairing quickly. Plus, a Brisbane GP’s email sparks an important conversation about ADHD diagnoses, medication culture, and why more labels aren’t fixing our kids. This one goes deep — into marriage, parenting, and the courage to own our part. KEY POINTS: Why kids’ behaviour can be a mirror to our own unresolved habits The difference between ownership and blame How defensiveness blocks connection Why quick repair strengthens relationships A GP’s concerns about rising ADHD diagnoses and medication culture The parenting skill we’re rapidly losing: backing ourselves QUOTE OF THE EPISODE: “If we do dumb things, can we forgive each other and move on and be better as a result of it? That’s literally all that matters.” RESOURCES MENTIONED: Searching for Normal by Sami Timimi Happy Families Podcast happyfamilies.com.au ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS: When conflict flares, ask: What part of this is mine? Model ownership out loud — let your kids hear you apologise. Separate accountability from self-blame. Own your part, not theirs. Repair quickly. Don’t let pride extend disconnection. Back yourself. Not every struggle needs a label or prescription. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

 Maurice discusses how receiving feedback without defensiveness improves professional growth and leadership. This episode provides strategies for hearing tough truths while maintaining confidence and credibility, crucial for effective communication and team building. Learn why emotional discipline is a leadership skill and how it transforms conflict into clarity. In This Episode:00:00 The Threat of Feedback01:41 Why Feedback Puts Us on Edge04:13 Feedback as Information, Not Attack06:32 Why Defensiveness Matters08:09 Growth vs. Protection in Feedback09:50 Join the WIN Inner Circle  Key Takeaways:Understand defensiveness as a natural, but costly, reaction to feedback.Separate intent from impact to choose progress over pride.Hear feedback as information to replace conflict with clarity.Build trust and create safer environments by staying composed under critique.Reflect on feedback to distinguish between growth opportunities and protective responses.

What stops talented leaders from truly hearing honest feedback? This episode tackles that question head-on, drawing from both leading research and lived experience. While most articles, books, and workshops focus on how to give feedback, this discussion targets how to receive it. I explore why so many feedback conversations break down and how leaders can do better.Core themes include the impact of our gut reactions to critical feedback, how quickly we discount advice based on source or style, and why challenges to our identity produce the fiercest resistance. Listeners will be guided through practical, evidence-informed strategies to become better feedback recipients, creating environments where candid conversations thrive.This episode offers a refreshing, evidence-based approach for anyone committed to their own growth and eager to lead with greater effectiveness and humility.What You'll Learn- The roots of our genuine hesitation surrounding feedback conversations.- How our reactions can prevent or derail future feedback.- Although not all feedback will be delivered perfectly, you can still find value.- Don't let your relationship with the feedback-giver cloud your judgment- Feedback stings most when it challenges our identity. Podcast Timestamps(00:02) – Setting the Stagek(01:12) – The Personal Challenge of Receiving Feedback(05:17) – Truth Triggers: Dismissing Feedback Based on Tone and Delivery(08:38) – Beware of Absolutes(10:18) – Source Triggers: Who Delivers the Feedback(12:41) – Difficult Feedback from Difficult People(13:52) – Identity Triggers: When Feedback Challenges Self-Image(17:17) – Personal Reflection: My Own Struggle with Feedback that Challenged My Identity(20:01) - Strategies for Curiosity and Constructive Engagement(23:40) - Bringing it Together: Commitment to Feedback ReceptionKEYWORDSPositive Leadership, Feedback, Receiving Feedback, Giving Feedback, Leadership Growth, Psychological Safety, Critical Feedback, Defensiveness, Feedback Triggers, Doug Stone, Sheila Heen, Zenger Folkman, 360 feedback, Radical Candor, Feedback Accuracy, Feedback Source, Identity and Feedback, Evidence-Based Leadership, Coaching, Blind Spots, Core Values, Curiosity, CEO SuccessSource: Why (Senior) Leaders Struggle to Get Feedback and How to Change That - Do Good To Lead Well with Craig Dowden | Podcast on Spotifyhttps://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/why-senior-leaders-struggle-to-get-feedback-and-how/id1634491338?i=1000764642523

Today's conversation is going to feel a little different than some of our recent episodes. We've spent a lot of time talking about hormones, perimenopause, menopause, metabolism, inflammation, histamine, nervous system regulation. And we'll go right back to all of that. But today I want to talk about something sitting heavy on my heart. And this might be one of the more personal episodes I've recently recorded. It might even feel a little unhinged at moments. And I'm okay with that, because after a series of conversations I've had recently, I can't not talk about this. And over the last few months, I've noticed an uptick in a pattern I've watched throughout my entire career. And after more than two decades coaching women through fat loss, metabolic health hormones, and disease prevention, there's one theme that keeps surfacing. Lately it's showing up more. I've talked with women in their thirties who don't feel at home in their own bodies after having kids. Women entering perimenopause, watching their sleep, mood, and energy change in ways they don't understand. Women in menopause who have spent years caretaking for everyone else and are now wondering what happened to the version of themselves they used to know and many have already seen doctors.  Many have ordered every lab panel the internet has to offer. Many have spent years researching and trying to figure it out alone. What grabs my attention isn't that they're struggling, it's that so many of them are apologizing for wanting help. They're apologizing for wanting guidance, for wanting to feel better. That's the problem. Somewhere along the way, asking for help started requiring justification. We'll dive into my honest thoughts about this and why I believe you need to stop apologizing for wanting help.   Time Stamps:   (2:00) Apologizing For Wanting Help (3:34) What I've Been Seeing (7:02) Lack of Awareness and Misunderstanding of Support (9:10) Money and The Investment (12:40) "You Should Already Know How To Do This" (18:20) Support vs Defensiveness (19:45) The Future Versions of Ourselves ----------  Apply for SF Coaching Method  https://sarahfechter.ac-page.com/sfhq-cc Complimentary Health Content  https://sarahfechter.ac-page.com/Health_Wellness_Community ----------  Follow Me On Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/sarahfechter.ifbbpro/   Check Out My Website - https://www.sarahfechter.com ----------  This Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of medicine, nursing, other professional health care services, or any professional practice of any kind. Any reliance on the information provided in this Podcast is done at your own risk and Sarah Fechter Fitness LLC expressly disclaims any and all liability or responsibility for any direct, indirect, incidental, special, consequential or other damages arising out of any individual use of, reference to, reliance on, or inability to use, this Podcast or the information presented in this Podcast. All contents and design for this Podcast are owned by Sarah Fechter Fitness LLC. Always consult your professional team before beginning any exercise or nutrition program.

Most men think their relationship problems come from anger, communication issues, or simply choosing the wrong partner. So they tell themselves: "I just need to work on my reactions." "I need to find someone who understands me." "I'm trying my best." But underneath those struggles is often a much deeper story. A story that quietly whispers: "There's something wrong with me." "I'm too broken to be loved." "I'll never be enough." And every time conflict appears… every time someone they love expresses disappointment… that story takes over. In this episode, David sits down with John to explore the powerful transformation that unfolded through his coaching journey—from self-sabotage, emotional reactivity, and shame to self-worth, connection, and presence. John shares how, despite appearing capable and successful on the outside, intimate relationships repeatedly exposed a painful belief he carried for years: That he was fundamentally unlovable. He explains how even small moments of criticism or conflict would trigger overwhelming emotional reactions. Defensiveness. Anger. People-pleasing. Withdrawal. Self-sabotage. Not because he wanted to hurt the people he loved. But because every challenge in a relationship seemed to confirm the story that something was wrong with him. And eventually, that story began damaging the very relationships he cared about most. The hardest part? He didn't know how to stop it. When his partner finally asked him to leave, he found himself at a breaking point. Desperate. Heartbroken. Terrified of losing everything. That moment became the beginning of a completely different path. In this conversation, David and John explore how low self-worth shapes relationships, why emotional reactions often mask deeper wounds, and what begins to change when men stop fighting themselves and start building trust from within. John also shares the profound impact this work has had on his marriage, his relationship with his children, and his journey toward becoming the father and partner he always wanted to be. This isn't a conversation about becoming perfect. It's about discovering that healing doesn't come from fixing yourself. It comes from letting go of the belief that you were broken in the first place. If you've ever felt unlovable, struggled with emotional reactivity, sabotaged relationships you deeply cared about, or wondered whether lasting change is truly possible—this episode may show you what can happen when you finally begin to believe that you are enough.   RELATE:   

It's Father's Day week and we're doing something special. In Part 1 of The Dad Year Lookback, Jeff Zaugg revisits five conversations that stirred something deeper this year, featuring Dave Brickey, Lance Welch, Dr. Jake Smith, Chris Cirullo, and Craig Allen Cooper. ✅ Why your weakness as a dad might be your greatest strength ✅ The difference between raising kids in the gap vs. the gain ✅ How to stop dismissing your own feelings before you dismiss your kids' ✅ God's call for dads to be bringers of order, not complainers of disorder ✅ The secret gift of a minivan that turned an atheist toward Jesus You don't have to do the miracles. You just have to be tight with the man who did.

In keeping with our themes of mattering, meaning, and connection this June, we wanted to reshare a conversation with had with author Emily Falk. In this conversation, we decode what goes on behind the scenes with our decisions - everything from what to eat for breakfast to how to respond to trolls on social media - and how emotional, rational, and social information is integrated by the brain to guide our choices. Emily's book is now available on paperback wherever you get your favorite reads.  ©20256 Behavioral Grooves Topics [0:00] Intro and Speed Round with Emily Falk [8:29] Understanding Value Calculations [12:58] Research Methods and fMRI [18:01] Self-Relevance and Social Relevance Systems [28:41] Defensiveness and Social Norms [40:49] The Importance of Being "In Sync" [58:17] The Role or Music in Self/Social Relevance [1:07:45] Grooving Session: Communication, Social Norms, and Behavioral Science at Work ©2025 Behavioral Grooves Links About Emily What We Value by Emily Falk

Most people think they're good listeners. After all, they stay quiet, make eye contact, and let the other person finish speaking. But truly connecting with someone requires more than simply hearing their words. One of the most powerful—and overlooked—communication skills is validation. Validation doesn't mean agreeing with someone. It doesn't mean approving of their behavior or telling them they're right. It means helping people feel heard, understood, and acknowledged. And when that happens, conversations change dramatically. Defensiveness drops. Trust grows. Relationships strengthen. According to Michael Sorensen, many of the conflicts and frustrations we experience with spouses, children, coworkers, friends, and even strangers stem from a simple problem: people don't feel understood. In this conversation, he explains why validation is such a powerful interpersonal tool, how to use it in everyday conversations, and why a few simple changes in how you respond to others can dramatically improve your relationships. Michael Sorensen is a coach, podcaster, and author of I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships (https://amzn.to/2Kao7JL). He also hosts the I Hear You Podcast, where he explores communication, connection, and relationship skills. https://michaelssorensen.com/i-hear-you-podcast/ If you've ever struggled to get through to someone, calm an argument, strengthen a relationship, or simply make people feel more comfortable talking to you, this conversation offers a remarkably practical skill you can start using immediately. PLEASE SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS POCKET HOSE: For a limited time, when you purchase a new Pocket Hose Ballistic, you'll get a FREE 360 degree rotating pocket pivot and a FREE thumb drive nozzle! Just text SYSK to 64000 AIR DOCTOR: Head to ⁠https://AirDoctorPro.com⁠ and use promo code SYSK to get $250 off select AirDoctor air purifiers, including the 3500, 4000, and 5500 models. Plus, you'll receive a free 3year warranty!  RULA: Thousands of people are already using Rula to get affordable, high-quality therapy that's actually covered by insurance. Visit ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://Rula.com/sysk⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ to get started. QUINCE: Elevate your summer wardrobe. Go to ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://Quince.com/sysk⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too! DELL:  With the Dell Pro laptop powered by Intel Core Ultra with vPro, no matter how many interruptions you have, your laptop won't be one of them. With battery that's optimized for the way you work, and built-in intelligence that quiets distractions the moment you're trying to focus, your tech won't slow you down.  Find out more at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://Dell.com/Dell-Pro⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ SHOPIFY: It's time to turn those "what ifs" into CHA CHING with Shopify Today! Sign up for your $1 per month trail and start selling today at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://Shopify.com/sysk⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Zach sits down with Kevin and Annie, a married couple from Los Angeles who have built parallel careers in comedy, social media, and content creation while raising two kids and juggling a genuinely hectic life. Kevin is one half of the Dumb Dads, a social media comedy brand that has racked up viral moments and national media coverage, while also recently stepping into a finance job to add income stability. Annie is a story producer for non-scripted television and runs her own comedy account where she documents real parenting and relationship life with a voice that is sharp, honest, and very much her own. This is not a conversation about influencer culture. It is a conversation about two people who have made a shared philosophy out of not taking themselves too seriously, and what that actually looks like inside a marriage.What surfaces quickly is that Kevin and Annie's approach to comedy and their approach to their relationship are basically the same thing: find the seed of truth, name what other people are too embarrassed to name, and trust that the honesty will land. They talk about the chaos of the social media comment section, the difference between content that performs and content that resonates, and what it means to build something funny when half your audience is having a terrible day. Kevin walks through the arc of Dumb Dads going from a pandemic side project to Good Morning America to a grind where Instagram stopped paying for views and he quietly went back to a day job. Annie reflects on pulling down a video that made people feel bad, and how that one moment shaped her entire content philosophy going forward.But it is the stretch of conversation near the end of this episode that earns its MTR stripes. Annie mentions casually that she has been feeling unsettled since Kevin started working office hours again, that she asked him to call during lunch just to feel anchored. Kevin reflects on nine years of being the stay-at-home logistics parent and what it costs the family when that system changes. There is no drama here. There is just two people who know each other well enough to say the true thing plainly and trust that it will be received well. As Annie puts it: she always knows his intentions are good. That assumption, more than anything else they say, is the actual relationship advice.Key TakeawaysAssuming the best about your partner's intentions is a relationship skill, not just a personality trait. It is something Annie and Kevin have actively built.When someone fires off an angry comment online or walks into the room furious, Zach points out what he tells couples in his practice: every single comment is about the commenter. The content is almost never the real issue.Kevin and Annie's viral success came from naming the thing people were too embarrassed to admit. That works in comedy. It also works in relationships.Defensiveness and weaponized incompetence eventually cost you things you actually want. The Dumb Dads made that the punchline of a sketch. It holds up in real life too.Comedy and magic work the same way: draw people in with something familiar, then surprise them. Kevin applies this to his content, but the same principle shows up in how he and Annie talk through conflict without letting it calcify.Annie took down a video because enough people told her it made them feel bad. She did not argue the intent. She just acted. That kind of responsiveness, inside a marriage or outside of it, is how trust stays intact.When your domestic system changes, even for good reasons, the emotional math changes too. Kevin going back to office hours after nine years as the at-home parent created a gap neither of them saw coming, and they caught it early enough to name it.Not taking yourself too seriously is not the same as not caring. Kevin has been doing comedy intentionally since he was 18. He cares deeply. He just refuses to let the weight of it make everyone around him miserable.Guest InfoKevin is one half of the Dumb Dads, a social media comedy brand he runs with his co-creator Evan. The brand grew from a podcast and parenting sketch series started around 2020 into a multi-platform presence that has been covered by Good Morning America, ESPN, and Barstool. Kevin also works in operations at a wealth management firm and has appeared in commercials, including one for Lowe's.https://www.instagram.com/thedumbdads/Annie is a story producer for non-scripted television, with roughly a decade of credits on fishing competition shows including Wicked Tuna. She also runs her own comedy account focused on real, unfiltered parenting and relationship content.https://www.instagram.com/annielaferriere/ See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Anxiety, Avoidance, Defensiveness, and Overreacting in the Anxiety Response Loop Avoidance, defensiveness, and overreacting are all expressions of the anxiety response loop at work in Christian women leaders. Each behavior is rooted in a dysregulated nervous system. Each one is driven by the same biological survival mechanism. And each one, when chronic, erodes relationships, diminishes leadership effectiveness, and ultimately contributes to burnout. When you break through anxiety, however, you shift the pendulum and can lead with calm, confidence, and consistency. Three Anxiety-Driven Behaviors in the Loop Overreacting: The Fight Response in Leadership Clothing Overreacting is the fight response. When your nervous system detects a threat — real or perceived — cortisol and adrenaline flood your body within seconds. Defensiveness: When Justifying Yourself Feels Like Survival Defensiveness is also rooted in the fight response. However, its origins are often more personal and more painful than overreacting. People-pleasing and defensiveness are woven together. Lack of trust Furthermore, defensiveness often signals a lack of trust in one's own judgment. Avoidance: The Flight and Freeze Response in Disguise Avoidance is the fight-or-freeze response. When your nervous system decides that fighting is too costly, it chooses a different strategy: avoid the threat entirely. Relationship of indecision and avoidance How These Behaviors Connect to the Rest of the Anxiety Response Loop None of the behaviors in the anxiety response loop exists in isolation. Avoidance, defensiveness, and overreacting are deeply connected to every behavior explored in this series. Faith, Strength, and Responding with Grace Instead of Reacting with Fear How Christian Women Leaders Can Break Free from Avoidance, Defensiveness, and Overreacting 1. Identify Your Default Response 2. Create a Gap Before You Respond. 3. Regulate Your Nervous System Daily, Not Just in Crisis 4. Trust the Holy Spirit with Your Decisions and Your Defense 5. Face What You Have Been Avoiding 6. Replace the Harsh Word with the Gentle Answer What This Looks Like in the Calm, Confident, Consistent Loop When you move out of avoidance, defensiveness, and overreacting and into the calm, confident, consistent leadership loop, your relationships begin to heal. The people around you relax because they are no longer bracing for an outsized reaction or waiting for the conversation you keep postponing. REFLECTION QUESTIONS Which of the three behaviors — overreacting, defensiveness, or avoidance — shows up most in your leadership right now? When you trace it back, what situation or relationship is most likely to trigger that response? What does your nervous system believe is threatening? What would it look like to trust the Holy Spirit's leading in the specific situation you have been avoiding or reacting to this week? Check out the FAQs on the blog. Read the full show notes and access all referenced links.

Karen Doll is a licensed psychologist, author of "Building Psychological Fitness: How High Performers Achieve with Ease," a partner at Psynet Group and chairs the Flourishing at Work initiative under Harvard's Flourishing Program. Most leaders know how to push through stress. Far fewer know how to recover from it. Karen argues that the difference matters more than most people realize. In this conversation, she explains why psychological fitness is not a personality trait but a trainable skill. She breaks down the difference between the stress that helps you grow and the stress that slowly wears you down, why resilience is more about recharging than enduring, and what leaders can do to support mental health at work without trying to become therapists. For leaders who feel constantly on, stretched thin, or responsible for the wellbeing of their teams, this episode offers a practical framework for building resilience that lasts. Find episode 514 on The Leadership Podcast, on YouTube, channel @theleadershippodcast, or wherever you get your podcasts! Watch this Episode on YouTube | https://youtu.be/S54CwTMZY0Q https://bit.ly/TLP-514 Key Moments [03:33] What separates psychologically fit leaders from those who struggle [05:37] Why mental strength is trainable and what that actually looks like [08:19] Top-down vs. bottom-up strategies for managing stress and the mental health continuum [13:22] Shared accountability: what leaders owe their teams on mental health [15:23] The victim mindset problem and what leaders can do about it [21:00] Why there's no magic test that predicts leadership success [24:48] The two biggest derailers Karen sees in executive assessment [28:12] The sweet spot between healthy ambition and burnout [31:45] Why clarity on your values is the shortcut nobody takes [33:23] Why the victim mindset is the silent career killer [35:54] When Karen's own psychological fitness was tested and what changed [39:34] Closing thoughts: the one thing every leader can do starting today Memorable Quotes "Resilience is about recharging. It isn't about powering through." "Between the stimulus and the response, there is a space. In that space lies our power to choose." "Defensiveness is the one thing I will not give feedback on. You tell someone they're defensive and they defend themselves. It's a dead end." "The goalpost keeps moving — and people are left feeling it's never enough. That is unnecessary distress." "Those that can spend the time recovering tend to struggle less." "Having social support and a multi-dimensional life — that's probably number one in terms of buffers against stress." "We do all have some agency in how we manage our mental health and how we move towards flourishing." "When something upsets us, sometimes that thinking pattern is not serving us and it's not necessarily factual." "If you move the body, it can settle the mind." "Leaders don't need to be their team's therapist." "Being a victim or having a victim mindset is not going to work out well for anybody — and that's never going to be good for mental health." "Self care is selfish — that was the core belief I had to break." "Small acts of kindness for people who are struggling — think of what a difference that can make. And that's accessible to all of us." "Just being a little more intentional — it doesn't cost anything. It doesn't need budget." "Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal. Nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude." — Thomas Jefferson Explore the full archive at www.theleadershippodcast.com or wherever you get your podcasts! These are the books mentioned in this episode Resources Mentioned The Leadership Podcast | theleadershippodcast.com Sponsored by | www.darley.com Rafti Advisors. LLC | www.raftiadvisors.com Self-Reliant Leadership. LLC | selfreliantleadership.com Karen Doll Website | https://psynetgroup.com/ LinkedIn | www.linkedin.com/learning/improving-your-mental-health-at-work Karen Doll LinkedIn | www.linkedin.com/in/karendecesaredoll

If you're getting caught hashing over the details and disagreeing with your partner's version of the story you are stuck in relationship math and it's hurting your relationship. When we nitpick the details our partner has shared we're losing out on the big picture, how they're feeling. I share the most important thing to work on to get out of relationship math so you can start connecting with your partner. Tune in to learn how to drop this harmful habit.Discover your attachment style to create a healthy relationship where you feel safe and supported. Take the free quiz here: https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/6329f75e6dd9410016a64043Follow Lit AF Relationships on Instagram: @itsmesarahcohan.comVisit the Lit AF Relationships Website: https://www.sarahcohan.com/If you're interested in one-on-one or couples coaching, I'd love to help drop the doubt that you're not in the relationship and feel seen and heard by your partner. Get started by booking a free 60-minute healthy relationships call here: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSddL3tie849uvgD1m31l4MAH3AzH0FlWgnsG0gPEBEzeDyPyg/viewform

Text us your questions or topics for the show! We got you!Cass Morrow, Author of Disrupting Divorce: The NEW Man. Saving Struggling, Sexless, and Toxic Marriages.Kathryn Morrow, Author of Behind The White Picket Fence.You always have too much to say. Too much to defend. Too much to justify. Too much to correct. And it never works. Here's why: the urgency to speak isn't coming from your power. It's coming from your insecurity. And the more you speak from that place, the more you lose ground. In Ep444 of The 'NEW' Marriage, Cass and Kathryn break down the art of silence as strength — what it actually means, why it's not erasure, and how it becomes the most powerful thing you can do in a marriage that feels out of control.

LESSON 153In My Defenselessness My Safety Lies.You who feel threatened by this changing world, its twists of fortune and its bitter jests, its brief relationships and all the “gifts” it merely lends to take away again; attend this lesson well. The world provides no safety. It is rooted in attack, and all its “gifts” of seeming safety are illusory deceptions. It attacks, and then attacks again. No peace of mind is possible where danger threatens thus.The world gives rise but to defensiveness. For threat brings anger, anger makes attack seem reasonable, honestly provoked, and righteous in the name of self-defense. Yet is defensiveness a double threat. For it attests to weakness, and sets up a system of defense that cannot work. Now are the weak still further undermined, for there is treachery without and still a greater treachery within. The mind is now confused, and knows not where to turn to find escape from its imaginings.It is as if a circle held it fast, wherein another circle bound it and another one in that, until escape no longer can be hoped for nor obtained. Attack, defense; defense, attack, become the circles of the hours and the days that bind the mind in heavy bands of steel with iron overlaid, returning but to start again. There seems to be no break nor ending in the ever-tightening grip of the imprisonment upon the mind.Defenses are the costliest of all the prices which the ego would exact. In them lies madness in a form so grim that hope of sanity seems but to be an idle dream, beyond the possible. The sense of threat the world encourages is so much deeper, and so far beyond the frenzy and intensity of which you can conceive, that you have no idea of all the devastation it has wrought.You are its slave. You know not what you do, in fear of it. You do not understand how much you have been made to sacrifice, who feel its iron grip upon your heart. You do not realize what you have done to sabotage the holy peace of God by your defensiveness. For you behold the Son of God as but a victim to attack by fantasies, by dreams, and by illusions he has made; yet helpless in their presence, needful only of defense by still more fantasies, and dreams by which illusions of his safety comfort him.Defenselessness is strength. It testifies to recognition of the Christ in you. Perhaps you will recall the text maintains that choice is always made between Christ's strength and your own weakness, seen apart from Him. Defenselessness can never be attacked, because it recognizes strength so great attack is folly, or a silly game a tired child might play, when he becomes too sleepy to remember what he wants.Defensiveness is weakness. It proclaims you have denied the Christ and come to fear His Father's anger. What can save you now from your delusion of an angry god, whose fearful image you believe you see at work in all the evils of the world? What but illusions could defend you now, when it is but illusions that you fight?We will not play such childish games today. For our true purpose is to save the world, and we would not exchange for foolishness the endless joy our function offers us. We would not let our happiness slip by because a fragment of a senseless dream happened to cross our minds, and we mistook the figures in it for the Son of God; its tiny instant for eternity.We look past dreams today, and recognize that we need no defense because we are created unassailable, without all thought or wish or dream in which attack has any meaning. Now we cannot fear, for we have left all fearful thoughts behind. And in defenselessness we stand secure, serenely certain of our safety now, sure of salvation; sure we will fulfill our chosen purpose, as our ministry extends its holy blessing through the world.Be still a moment, and in silence think how holy is your purpose, how secure you rest, untouchable within its light. God's ministers have chosen that the truth be with them. Who is holier than they? Who could be surer that his happiness is fully guaranteed? And who could be more mightily protected? What defense could possibly be needed by the ones who are among the chosen ones of God, by His election and their own as well?It is the function of God's ministers to help their brothers choose as they have done. God has elected all, but few have come to realize His Will is but their own. And while you fail to teach what you have learned, salvation waits and darkness holds the world in grim imprisonment. Nor will you learn that light has come to you, and your escape has been accomplished. For you will not see the light, until you offer it to all your brothers. As they take it from your hands, so will you recognize it as your own.Salvation can be thought of as a game that happy children play. It was designed by One Who loves His children, and Who would replace their fearful toys with joyous games, which teach them that the game of fear is gone. His game instructs in happiness because there is no loser. Everyone who plays must win, and in his winning is the gain to everyone ensured. The game of fear is gladly laid aside, when children come to see the benefits salvation brings.You who have played that you are lost to hope, abandoned by your Father, left alone in terror in a fearful world made mad by sin and guilt; be happy now. That game is over. Now a quiet time has come, in which we put away the toys of guilt, and lock our quaint and childish thoughts of sin forever from the pure and holy minds of Heaven's children and the Son of God.We pause but for a moment more, to play our final, happy game upon this earth. And then we go to take our rightful place where truth abides and games are meaningless. So is the story ended. Let this day bring the last chapter closer to the world, that everyone may learn the tale he reads of terrifying destiny, defeat of all his hopes, his pitiful defense against a vengeance he can not escape, is but his own deluded fantasy. God's ministers have come to waken him from the dark dreams this story has evoked in his confused, bewildered memory of this distorted tale. God's Son can smile at last, on learning that it is not true.Today we practice in a form we will maintain for quite a while. We will begin each day by giving our attention to the daily thought as long as possible. Five minutes now becomes the least we give to preparation for a day in which salvation is the only goal we have. Ten would be better; fifteen better still. And as distraction ceases to arise to turn us from our purpose, we will find that half an hour is too short a time to spend with God. Nor will we willingly give less at night, in gratitude and joy.Each hour adds to our increasing peace, as we remember to be faithful to the Will we share with God. At times, perhaps, a minute, even less, will be the most that we can offer as the hour strikes. Sometimes we will forget. At other times the business of the world will close on us, and we will be unable to withdraw a little while, and turn our thoughts to God.Yet when we can, we will observe our trust as ministers of God, in hourly remembrance of our mission and His Love. And we will quietly sit by and wait on Him and listen to His Voice, and learn what He would have us do the hour that is yet to come; while thanking Him for all the gifts He gave us in the one gone by.In time, with practice, you will never cease to think of Him, and hear His loving Voice guiding your footsteps into quiet ways, where you will walk in true defenselessness. For you will know that Heaven goes with you. Nor would you keep your mind away from Him a moment, even though your time is spent in offering salvation to the world. Think you He will not make this possible, for you who chose to carry out His plan for the salvation of the world and yours?Today our theme is our defenselessness. We clothe ourselves in it, as we prepare to meet the day. We rise up strong in Christ, and let our weakness disappear, as we remember that His strength abides in us. We will remind ourselves that He remains beside us through the day, and never leaves our weakness unsupported by His strength. We call upon His strength each time we feel the threat of our defenses undermine our certainty of purpose. We will pause a moment, as He tells us, “I am here.”Your practicing will now begin to take the earnestness of love, to help you keep your mind from wandering from its intent. Be not afraid nor timid. There can be no doubt that you will reach your final goal. The ministers of God can never fail, because the love and strength and peace that shine from them to all their brothers come from Him. These are His gifts to you. Defenselessness is all you need to give Him in return. You lay aside but what was never real, to look on Christ and see His sinlessness.- Jesus Christ in ACIM

Send us Fan MailSend us Fan MailIn this enlightening episode of Living the Dream with Curveball, we are joined by the remarkable Belle Gayer, an author and relationship expert with over five decades of experience in love and commitment. After experiencing the beauty and challenges of a long-term partnership, Belle transformed her personal journey into a mission to help others navigate the complexities of relationships. Her book, *Are Relationships for Suckers?*, shares invaluable insights and lessons learned from her own life, aiming to guide others through the often turbulent waters of love.Belle dives into the misconceptions surrounding relationships today, including the myths of "true love" and "the one." She discusses the importance of understanding the stages of romantic love and the hard work required to nurture enduring connections. Through her engaging storytelling, Belle reveals the critical components of successful relationships, such as communication, devotion, and flexibility.Listeners will also gain practical advice on overcoming common relationship hurdles, the significance of compatibility versus commitment, and the need for deeper emotional connections in a world filled with distractions. Belle's warmth and wisdom shine throughout the conversation, reminding us all that happiness in love is attainable with effort and understanding.What You'll Learn in This Episode:- The key misconceptions about love and relationships- Insights from Belle's book and her personal experiences- The foundational habits that support lasting partnerships- The role of communication in fostering intimacy- Tips for reconnecting with your partner amidst life's distractionsFor more information on Belle and her work, visit www.rrelationshipsforsuckers.com and explore her insightful content on Quora.Support the show

Every pastor says they want honest feedback, but do their actions back that up? In this episode, Scott and A.J. walk through three clear signs that a pastor or any church leader may have a blind spot when it comes to receiving input, from defensive reactions to punishing the messenger to making decisions in a complete vacuum. If you have ever felt like bringing feedback to your leader is more trouble than it is worth, this episode will help you name what you are seeing. Scott Ball and A.J. Mathieu are lead consultants at the Malphurs Group, a church consulting and coaching organization dedicated to helping established churches find a way forward. Each week on the Church Revitalization Podcast, they bring practical, field-tested insight drawn from years of working directly with pastors and church leadership teams across the country. Their conversations are honest, sometimes funny, and always aimed at helping churches become healthier. [4:35] Sign 1: Defensiveness — shutting down conversations and deflecting feedback [10:25] Sign 2: Punishing the Messenger — what happens when the person who brings information pays a price for it [12:58] Sign 3: Decisions Made in a Vacuum — leading without meaningful input from the team [13:57] Real-World Story — a case study from the consulting room showing all three signs in action [20:11] The Payoff of Humility — why leaders who welcome feedback lead longer and lead better Free 7-Day Trial of the Healthy Churches Toolkit: https://healthychurchestoolkit.com Episode Article: https://malphursgroup.com/342 Follow the Malphurs Group: https://facebook.com/malphursgroup https://instagram.com/malphursgroup https://youtube.com/themalphursgroup https://x.com/malphursgroup

Celebrating 300 episodes with one of the hardest relationship skills: feedback. Sue and Ann reflect on a decade of podcasting and dive into one of the the most challenging parts of any relationship: giving and receiving feedback. Through candid personal stories, humor, and clinical insight, they explore how attachment history, defensiveness, trauma, and vulnerability shape the way we handle conflict and communication. This conversation explains why feedback can feel so threatening, how couples get stuck arguing facts instead of feelings, and why repair—not perfection—is the foundation of healthy relationships. “Feedback is a bid for connection.” – Sue Marriott, LCSW CGP Time Stamps for 300 Episodes In: Why Feedback Is So Hard (300) 01:56 The challenge of feedback: Giving and receiving 07:29 Understanding the difficulty of giving feedback 11:06 The fear of feedback: Avoidance and anticipation 16:15 The overestimation of awareness: Why we hold back 26:32 Navigating the receiving end of feedback 32:34 Impact over intent: The key to effective communication 34:54 Navigating feedback and racial sensitivity 41:08 Defensiveness in relationships 52:09 The role of trauma in relationships Please support our sponsors – they keep our podcast free and accessible to all!  A coffee alternative with 4 adaptogenic mushrooms and ayurvedic herbs. With only a fraction of caffeine as a cup of coffee, you get energy without the anxiety, jitters, or crash of coffee Go to mudwtr.com/tu to support the show and use code TU for 15% off   Beyond Attachment Styles course is available NOW!   Learn how your nervous system, your mind, and your relationships work together in a fascinating dance, shaping who you are and how you connect with others. Online, Self-Paced, Asynchronous Learning with Quarterly Live Q&A’s! Earn 6 Continuing Education Credits – Available at Checkout As a listener of this podcast, use code BAS15 for a limited-time discount.     You are invited!  Join our exclusive community to get early access and discounts to things we produce, plus an ad-free, private feed. In addition, receive exclusive episodes recorded just for you. Sign up for our premium Neuronerd plan!! Click here!!    Get your copy of Secure Relating here!!

The emotional side of ADHD and neurodivergence often shows up as shame, not behavior. Constant correction can quietly erode confidence and motivation. Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, expert in Regulation First Parenting™, helps parents calm the brain and rebuild emotional resilience.Feeling like your child is constantly being corrected—and it's wearing them down? You're not alone. The emotional side of ADHD and neurodivergence often goes unseen, but it deeply impacts confidence, motivation, and behavior.In this episode, you'll learn how constant correction shapes your child's brain—and what actually helps.Why does my child with ADHD feel like they're always doing something wrong?When kids hear corrections all day—“sit still,” “focus,” “try harder”—it starts to shape how they see themselves.The brain builds identity through feedback. And when that feedback is mostly negative, kids begin to believe:“I'm the problem.”“I can't get it right.”“Why even try?”Over time, this becomes more than frustration—it turns into shame.Imagine your child forgetting homework again. You remind them (again), but what they hear is: “I always mess up.”Repeated correction creates a negative self-storyConfidence drops, even if effort is thereKids may shut down, act out, or avoid tasks entirelyThis is the hidden emotional weight of neurodivergence—and it matters more than you think.How does constant correction affect motivation and behavior in neurodivergent kids?Here's the truth: It's not bad behavior—it's a dysregulated brain trying to cope.When kids expect failure, something called learned helplessness kicks in. The brain says, “Why bother?”You might notice:Avoidance (they stop trying)Anxiety (fear of making mistakes)Defensiveness or backtalk (protecting themselves from more shame)This isn't laziness. It's protection.A parent might say, “My child just isn't motivated.” But underneath? That child is overwhelmed and trying to avoid feeling like they're failing again.Motivation drops when shame risesBehavior is a stress response—not defianceThe nervous system is stuck in survival modeThis is why we always say: Behavior is communication.You don't have to figure this out alone. Become a Dysregulation Insider VIP and get your FREE Regulation Rescue Kit: How to Stay Calm When Your Child Pushes Your Buttons and Stop Oppositional Behaviors. Head to www.drroseann.com/newsletter and start your calm parenting journey today.Why do kids with ADHD get more negative feedback than others?Kids with ADHD and neurodivergence process attention, emotions, and tasks differently. That means:They forget more oftenThey interrupt more frequentlyThey struggle with task completionAnd because of that? They receive thousands more corrections than their peers—sometimes up to 20,000 more by adolescence.Let that sink in.Real-Life Example: One mom shared how dinner always turns into correction after correction. Her child interrupts—and suddenly the whole tone shifts.More differences = more correctionMore correction = more emotional impactStrengths (like hyperfocus) often get overlookedBut here's the reframe: Your child's brain isn't broken—it's different. And with support, those differences can become strengths.How can I stop the correction cycle and support my child better?This is where everything changes. Let's calm the brain first.The CALMS Protocol gives you a simple, powerful shift:C – Co-regulate first: Pause. Lower your voice. Connect before correcting.A – Avoid personalizing: It's not intentional—it's neurological.L – Look for root causes: Hunger? Overwhelm? Too much demand?M – Model coping: Show calm problem-solving in real time.S – Support and reinforce: Focus on effort, not just outcomes.Instead of “Stop doing that,” try: “Let's figure this out together.”Connection brings the thinking brain back onlineCuriosity replaces frustrationSmall wins rebuild confidenceIf you want to start calming your child's nervous system fast, check out Quick CALM—a parent-friendly tool that helps you regulate in the moment so your child can too.What message should I be sending my neurodivergent child?Your child doesn't need more correction—they need a new story.Instead of: “What's wrong with you?”Shift to: “Your brain works differently—and we'll figure this out together.”

We tell stories all the time: about our partners, our past, and ourselves. But what happens when those stories quietly start running the relationship?In this episode of Get Psyched, we sit down with Saz Russell to unpack the narratives shaping our love lives, our boundaries, and our sense of self. From “relationship mediation” to monogamy hangovers, this conversation gets into the messy, fascinating space between perception and reality... and how to come back to truth without losing connection.If you've ever thought “they never understand me” or “maybe I'm the problem,” this one is going to land. The crew explores:

SUMMARY I brought a real story to Dr. Michelle this week. A small mistake on my part, a hurt little girl, a defensive dad at bedtime, and my wife catching my eye across the room. What unfolded was a live coaching moment I needed more than I knew. Dr. Michelle gently walked me back through what I missed, what was actually under the anger, and how to do the repair that actually reaches a daughter's heart. If you have ever blown it with your kids and tried to talk your way out of it instead of leaning in, this conversation is for you. Takeaways Anger is usually the front door. The real emotion sitting behind it is almost always sadness, fear, or confusion, and your kids feel that gap before you do. When your child tells the story of how you hurt them, the most powerful thing you can say is three words. Tell me more. Then stay there longer than feels comfortable. Defensiveness bombs the bridge to your kids' hearts and to their picture of God as Father. Compassion builds it. Luke 15 verse 20 gives a five step pattern any dad can follow. He saw, he was filled with compassion, he ran, he threw his arms around, he kissed. A consistent monthly daddy daughter date and a note in your own handwriting create anchors of memory your kids will carry into adulthood. Guest Dr. Michelle Watson Canfield is a licensed counselor, speaker, and the host of The Dad Whisperer podcast. She founded The Abba Project, a nine month group for dads of daughters between thirteen and thirty, and has spent the last fifteen plus years coaching fathers in the work of pursuing their daughters' hearts. She is the author of Dad, Here's What I Really Need from You and Let's Talk, and her writing on fatherhood has reached dads in all fifty states and around the world. Quotes  "You guys are wired with tender hearts. Tough and tender is a powerful combination as a man." Dr. Michelle Watson Canfield "Under mad is usually sad or scared or confused. Lead with your heart more than your head." Dr. Michelle Watson Canfield "Tell me more. That's how she gets it out, and then it's not there between you anymore." Dr. Michelle Watson Canfield "Defensiveness bombs the bridge. Compassion builds it. That's the work of fathering a daughter's heart." Dr. Michelle Watson Canfield "Anchors of memory in a place. Find one or two spots that become yours together with your daughter." Dr. Michelle Watson Canfield  

Anxiety and leadership often go hand in hand, whether a mom, an entrepreneur, or a corporate executive. If you are a leader, you have most likely experienced the fact that anxiety and leadership go hand-in-hand. The Dual Leadership Model™ is designed to help Christian women leaders and others break through anxiety-driven behaviors to lead with calm, confidence, and consistency. Christian Women Leaders You are capable. Driven. Accomplished. You lead a team, run a business, raise a family, or do all three at once. People look to you. You show up. You deliver. And yet, something feels off. Do you find yourself snapping at the people closest to you and then feeling a wave of shame? Maybe you lie awake running through every decision you made that day, wondering if you did enough. Perhaps you say yes when every part of you wants to say no — and then resent it later. Are you are exhausted in a way that sleep does not fix. Here is what no one is telling you: it is not a time management problem. It is not a discipline problem. And it is not a character flaw. It is a loop. And you have been stuck in it longer than you know. High-Achiever Celebration of Anxiety and Leadership What Is the Dual Leadership Loop Model™? The Dual Leadership Loop Model™ is built on a simple but profound truth: at any given moment, you are leading from one of two loops. Loop One: The Anxiety Response Loop The anxiety-driven behaviors at the center of the anxiety response loop: Perfectionism People-pleasing Need for control Defensiveness and overreacting Avoidance Imposter syndrome Comparison Loop Two: The Calm, Confident, and Consistent Leadership Loop The Calm, Confident, Consistent Leadership Loop produces: Clarity and confidence Steady, consistent decision-making Healthy, honest relationships Resilience without rigidity Sustainable growth without burnout The kind of leadership others want to follow The Neuroscience Behind the Anxiety Response Loop The Combination of Neuroscience and Faith For those of us who follow Christ, there is a layer to this that goes deeper than neuroscience. Five Shifts That Will Change How You Lead Anxiety-driven behaviors are your nervous system's way of trying to protect you. They are not character flaws — they are survival adaptations. You are not flawed. Anxiety is biological — not a personal failure. You did not choose it, but you can learn to work with it. Anxiety does not define you. Your identity is not your nervous system response. You are not stuck. You can choose a different response right now. Striving is not sustainable. Regulated leadership is. What to Expect in This Series Over the next six episodes, we are going to walk through each anxiety-driven behavior in the loop — people-pleasing, perfectionism, need for control, imposter syndrome, comparison, defensiveness, and avoidance. We will explore where each one comes from, what it is costing you, what the research says, and most importantly, how to move out of it. This is not a series about trying harder. It is a series about leading differently, better, and safer. Your Next Step as Christian Women Leaders Before the next episode, I want you to do one thing: pay attention and notice what is happening for you. Read the full show notes and access the reflection questions.

Most relationship mistakes do not begin with one dramatic betrayal or blowout fight. More often, they begin with unhealthy relationship habits like defensiveness, blame, criticism, neglect, and communication problems in relationships that slowly create emotional disconnection over time. If your relationship has been feeling harder than it used to, this episode will help you understand why. In this Love, Happiness and Success classic, I'm revisiting one of my favorite conversations about the subtle patterns that can quietly damage even a good relationship. As a marriage counselor, I've seen how easy it is to focus on what your partner is doing wrong while missing the ways you may also be contributing to resentment, distance, and disconnection. We're talking about some of the most common relationship mistakes, including making the relationship too much about yourself, blaming your issues instead of taking responsibility for them, neglecting your partner, criticizing instead of communicating clearly, bottling up feelings, and expecting problems to get better without direct effort. We also get into why blame, defensiveness, and mind-reading are so destructive, and what helps instead: empathy, accountability, honest communication, and the willingness to address problems while they are still small. This episode is a reminder that strong relationships are built with intention. When you can recognize the unhealthy relationship habits that are getting in the way, it becomes much easier to create more trust, more warmth, and more connection. Episode Breakdown: 00:00 The Relationship Mistakes That Cause Real Damage 04:25 Unhealthy Relationship Habits That Push Partners Apart 10:03 Communication Problems in Relationships: Blame, Defensiveness, and Criticism 20:26 Emotional Disconnection: When Couples Stop Really Talking 30:08 How to Fix Relationship Problems Before They Get Worse 42:03 Final Takeaways on Healthy Relationship Skills If you're recognizing some of these patterns in your own relationship, and you're ready for things to feel different, I'd love to connect with you. You can schedule a free consultation with me or a member of my team. It's a private, secure space where you can tell us what's really been happening in your relationship, what's feeling hard, and what you wish felt different. We'll help you get matched with the right counselor or coach so you can feel more understood, more connected, and more confident in your ability to create healthy, secure love. You do not have to keep trying to figure this out on your own.