Keith is a Jerk

Keith is a Jerk

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“It’s the podcast that nobody asked for! Enjoy the funny guys from Nocturnal Emissions, without having to look at their stupid faces. listen to us at the gym, in the car, or in your prison cell.”

Nocturnal Emissions Comedy


    • Jul 19, 2021 LATEST EPISODE
    • every other week NEW EPISODES
    • 58m AVG DURATION
    • 62 EPISODES


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    Latest episodes from Keith is a Jerk

    We got our own TV SHOW!!!!

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 19, 2021 32:51


    Listen in to the time we got our first TV show. it was fun, and pure hell all at once!  

    We got in WAAAAAAAAAaaaAAaaY Over our headsthis time.

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 11, 2021 52:56


    Listen to how we all screw up all the time.

    Ryan got kicked out of Heaven

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 21, 2021 67:49


    We've been kicked out of Bars, Heaven, swimming pools, mountains, love, you name it, we've been ejected for your listening pleasure.

    I had to beg a rich guy to pay for my date

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 13, 2021 105:26


    It's the same old story. We earn money, we spend money, we spend more than we make, and you get to laugh at our misfortune.

    Would You Rather? Part 1

    Play Episode Listen Later May 31, 2021 15:06


    New segment on the show where we play "Would you Rather?" it gets crazy as you can imagine.  Also look for the animation to go with this one!!  https://youtu.be/yoPy_Uay0yY

    My brother 7 - 10 Split a Lady's head open.

    Play Episode Listen Later May 9, 2021 62:12


    Sorry everyone, had a spotify issue.  Same episode, but feel free to listen to our horrible lives again.

    The time I hit an Autistic kid with a belt.

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 20, 2021 60:12


    This picture will make more sense when you hear the episode.  Yes, that's Bob.

    The time my brother shot me.

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 6, 2021 58:38


    I got shot, Dave watched a chipmunk get shot and James did shots off the top.

    They threw out Dave's Roast beef sandwiches.

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 16, 2021 84:41


    We're talking about road trips.  Tales from the road of our band days, trips across the country during Hallmark holidays, and ryan.  

    We can't cook for sh*t

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 2, 2021 81:22


    We explore cooking food in the 80s and 90s.  All gross, all the time.

    recess in the 80s was like lord of the flies

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 19, 2021 65:11


    we used to hurt each other a lot in the 80s.  Emotionally, and physically. but it was fun.

    I saw a dead body

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 16, 2021 82:54


    I watched a woman get hit by a train. Dave got used for his glove. and James "accidentally" assaults a stranger.

    True Crimes: 3 kids tried to kill a bird murderer.

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 6, 2021 63:39


    Some kid kills a harmless creature and the chain of events that follow is bad.

    Dave got caught choking out his one eyed monster.

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 25, 2021 66:23


    Dealing with roommates is tough.  Dealing with Dave as a roommate is worse.  Plus, I found out my parents gave my room away while I went to college and Bob does a year long audition for a band to get a free room.

    Porn pods and the hoses that attach to.... Your parts.

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 14, 2021 64:09


    yup.  that's what we're talking about

    My dad hit my mom in the face

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 26, 2020 76:25


    The Christmas presents are opened, the dust has settled, and now we talk about the worst gifts we ever got!

    The time my friend killed a kid with his sled

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 14, 2020 73:25


    Keith got drunk and almost killed himself.  Dave got fat and almost killed himself.  Ryan always almost kills himself, and James killed a kid. Sledding is FUN!!!

    Is Cakewalk a Racist term?

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 7, 2020 77:43


    You bet it is!!  Find out what other terms you use every day are going to make you feel terrible about yourself.   Also Ryan learns to Check himself before he wrecks himself.

    The Special needs Janitor liked to grab our asses.

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 4, 2020 56:05


    Dave only sings songs about titty's, Ryan watches and does nothing to help a fallen soldier, and I watched a fat karate guy half rape a kid on stage.  All this and more on Assemblies in the 80s/90s.

    Penis cam!!!!

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 11, 2020 74:58


    Which one of us got a camera in our penis holes?  place your bets.Ryan:  Yes.  No. Dave:  Yes.  No. Keith:  Yes.  No.

    I Pooped and barfed at the same time in a hotel lobby.

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 21, 2020 72:20


    we're gross.  

    how to ruin a Wedding.

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 8, 2020 73:30


    please enjoy listening to us tell tales of how we ruined weddings.  including our own.

    This is how i found out I was adopted

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 18, 2019 69:17


    I found out I was adopted.  Ryan brings up the saddest memories we've all tried to bury, and Dave gets accused of molesting my son.

    Accidentally Racist and the most awkward moments in our life

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 12, 2019 57:01


    Today we bleed on girls, mistake Asians, and get blamed for the horrible things we didn't even do.  Enjoy your Friday drive to work.

    Porn Games!!!!

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 5, 2019 13:24


    Keith and Dave create and play a new game called RPG.  Random Porn Generator. Generate a random word, put it into porn hub, guess the word based on the video.  It's exactly what you think. Click below if you want to watch the video. https://youtu.be/Bbad3yUYL5o

    Short Story: It's all part of God's Plan.

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 18, 2019 15:43


    Another short story!  First of all, thank you all for the kind words on the first story.  After having a bunch of people ask, I recorded another one for you.  Hope you like it.  If you do, share it, so other people can tell me how much I suck on the internet.     thanks!!!

    SHORT STORY: The Cancer That Cured Me

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 4, 2019 13:06


    Bonus!!!!  You're bored driving to work.  Why not listen to a short story?   We're trying something new, enjoy a short story with your ears, instead of reading it like a sucker with your eyes. If you like this, let us know.

    XMAS 2018!!!! Dave got his kids sadness for Christmas!!

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 4, 2019 55:44


    April got molested by santa, Dave molests happy thoughts, and Ryan wasn't cute enough to get molested by anyone.   Oh, and Santa broke his ankle in Keith's house.  

    My daughter farted at the thanksgiving table.

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 23, 2018 103:15


    Find out why I hate pumpkin pie.  Find out why Bear hates baby birds.  And find out why Dave hates everything.   Salut!  

    I used to live in the sewers like a ninja turtle

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 25, 2018 59:17


    Ever build a fort?  Ever build a snow fort?  Ever live in a sewer??  

    The many times we embarrassed ourselves in front of girls in the 80s

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 12, 2018 65:26


    Volume 1.  Because there are many, many, many, more volumes to come.  

    Bob was a stunt double in "The Never ending Story"

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 12, 2018 58:58


    Bob was a double for atrau.  Eddie Murphy taught Dave about Sex.  Keith got beat up after watching back to the Future. 

    My Dad Chainsawed the F*cking Couch

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 26, 2018 66:09


    3 Truths and a Lie. 1.  Keith's dad Sawed a family couch in half. 2.  Dave's Mom shot a shotgun at a horny Teenager.   3.  Ryan Almost killed a Cop for doing her job. 4.  We were all raised right.

    Stealing Stuff in the 80s

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 27, 2018 74:44


    We stole stuff.  we welcome Matt Berry, the hardened criminal.  

    Worst dates... And Ryan's is the worst.

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 7, 2017 60:09


    We talk about dating in our youth.  it's as terrible as you imagine.  Actually.... It's WAY worse.

    Hands down, the worst thing we've ever said. 80's music

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 5, 2017 53:20


    While we talk about 80s music, music we had sex to, and music we are embarrassed to admit we loved.  Derek says the most offensive thing of all time.

    Why we are fat.

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 28, 2017 49:10


    Frozen dinners, candy, worms.  

    Sneaking out on my girlfriend in our first Apartment.

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 21, 2017 43:25


    We share our first terrible apartment stories.

    Sex Robot!!!!!

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 13, 2017 49:51


    We talk about about the future!  An the future, is sex robots.

    Bob loves Smashmouth

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 29, 2017 57:04


    Talkin' bout dreams.  Keith dreams of monsters, Bob has an errection, Ryan dreams of drowning, and Dave is dead inside.  

    Your pu$$y has no power over me

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 8, 2017 59:29


    We sit around and talk about everything from legal weed, choking your daddy, and just Dave's greatest moment in his adult life.

    A dog bit my Asshole

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 17, 2017 66:42


    We talk about injuries in the 80s!!  Dog's biting us, Moms and dads not watching us, crabwalking into goal posts.  We got hurt, and you get to laugh.  Win/win 

    Aquaman told us we're all going to die. Part 2!!!!

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 4, 2017 59:14


    Bob asks what is life?  Andrew Lewin tells us all how stupid we are.  And we learn.  We actually learn.

    Aquaman told us we're all going to die.

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 19, 2017 60:52


    Marine biologist Andrew Lewin sat down with us to see JUST how stupid we are.  He was not disapointed.  Well, I mean he WAS.  because we're THAT stupid, but, I mean his original goal was to see how stupid, so I guess....

    An idiots guide to bullies

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 8, 2017 54:34


    Dave is the worlds greatest passive aggressive bully.  Keith eats pies, takes your drink, Ryan donkey Kong punches children, and Derek is better than you.  

    Dead bunnies...

    Play Episode Listen Later May 24, 2017 54:29


    Dead rabbits, my grandpa almost kills a kid with a lawn dart, chucking carrots and walking chili dogs.  Lots of chaos!!

    PORN!!!!!

    Play Episode Listen Later May 10, 2017 61:48


    Remember wathing your first porn?  remember trying to watch scrambled porn?  Remember getting lured into an old indian man's house to watch porn while dressed as a ninja turtle?  Yup, it gets weird.  

    It’s my party and I’ll cry if I have suppressed memories

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 26, 2017 61:27


    Listen to us recall birthdays with sock fights, separated parents where neither wants to throw the party, and of course, a little bit of porn.  

    Is black Voice as bad as Black Face?

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 13, 2017 37:41


    Happy Easter everyone!!!!!  You don't want to miss this.

    Stalking girls. A.K.A. Crushes.

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 11, 2017 50:04


    Hey!  Remember all those school crushes you had!!  Remember all the girls that had crushes on you??  Neither do we...... We sucked at girls.  

    The time I smashed a girl in the face with a boat

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 29, 2017 47:33


    Boyscouts without forests, parents sending children to the island of snakes to lighten the load, and getting pooped on while you talk to a pretty girl.  Let's go to camp!!!

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