Living The Book of Disquiet

In today's fragment of Disquiet, Fernando describes waking to a rain-cleansed Sunday, unveiling blue skies—a lovely morning that evokes melancholy as well as joy. He wanders aimlessly, the various Sunday rituals accentuating his isolation and longing. In my response to Rob and Pessoa, I relate how an unexpected encounter with a doppelgänger of a past love, Nadia, during a walk near Amersham evokes deep nostalgia. The shifting weather mirrors these emotions, and this Rilke poem further underscores the transient nature of relationships and time. Many thanks to Rob for providing the reading for this episode, along with his insightful thoughts and music links - much appreciated. I eagerly anticipate more contributions from you please Rob. I also invite others to share their readings of fragments of their choice, accompanied by any spontaneous reflections inspired by the text. Please don't stress about delivering a flawless recording; I'll ensure it's edited for clarity and presentation. Send your Pessoan voice notes to +447804197605 (WhatsApp) or stevewasserman@gmail.com and I'll shape the next episode around your choice, as well as whatever other words you'd like to share with me and others listening to this podcast. Links: Music: Living The Book of Disquiet Playlist on Spotify Life Answers: A Complete Audiobook Reading of Sri Nisargadatta Maharajah's “I Am That” Lomakayu's reading on YouTube of "I Am That" Huberman & Conti's How To Understand & Assess Your Mental Health series (treasure trove of ideas and wisdom here, worth at least a year of therapy in each episode!) Agnes Callard & Robin Hanson's Minds Almost Meeting Raymond Carver's Late Fragment And did you get whatyou wanted from this life, even so?I did.And what did you want?To call myself beloved, to feel myselfbeloved on the earth.

In today's missive of disquietude (Fragment 29), Fernando talks about waking to a rain-washed dawn that gives way to “triumphant” blue skies—a beautiful morning in which he feels melancholic rather than happy. As he aimlessly paces his room, the various rituals of his day expose his isolation. He feels a longing that weighs on him like a damp rag left staining a window sill. I respond by sharing my own attempts to wrangle morning chaos—the various routines I follow meant to optimize productivity, as well as the hunt for Pessoa's words amid perfectly ordered bookshelves. No system or structure can solve our essential needs. Notes: -A day in my life | Lex Fridman -Living Each Day As A Three Act Play -Music used in this episode

In this episode I re-interrogate my reasons for creating a Book of Disquet cover-version by exploring some of the nuances between the word "desassossego" (restlessness, uneasiness, anxiety) in Portuguese and the English translation which usually renders the word as "disquiet." I also reflect a bit more, with the help of Richard Zenith's recent biography of Pessoa, on Pessoa's melancholy brand of existential unrest which acts in so many ways as a stand-in for the absurdity and tedium of modern life, making The Book of Disquiet the modernist masterpiece that it is. Pessoa self-medicated his deep-seated disquiet through writing, smoking, alcohol and coffee. Alcohol, we might say, acts as a kind of liquid heteronym in this book, medicating away the pain of "tedio" (tedium, boredom, monotony), another crucial word in the Pessoan lexicon (he uses it 131 times in his Livro do Desassossego). While taking a break from substances myself this month (cf. the most recent episode of my other podcast Cannabis Koan), the plan is to read Pessoa's Disquiet more phenomenologically for a while, inviting fellow listeners (you!) to join me by recording passages that resonate and sending them my way on WhatsApp (+447804197605), or to stevewasserman AT gmail.com. References: -"Chega de Saudade" (Jobim/Moraes) sung by João Gilberto in 1959 -Pessoa: An Experimental Life (2021) by Richard Zenith -Cyril Connolly's The Unquiet Grave -Article about The Real with regard to our daily routines -"People would rather be electrically shocked than left alone with their thoughts" (article) -Andrew Bird's "Sisyphus" -Transcript for this episode: http://stevewasserman.co.uk/living-the-book-of-disquiet-dessassogo-saudade-tedio/

Fragment 12: Pessoa sees his random writings as an unimportant autobiography and a way to unwind like solitaire. Fragment 13: Pessoa feels his writings are as insignificant as his life next to the vast universe. Fragment 14: Pessoa says creating imperfect art is better than creating nothing, as it may help others. Fragment 15: Pessoa gradually conquered his innate inner nature through effort. Fragment 16: Pessoa daydreams during a trip, neither seeing the landscapes nor remembering them. Fragment 17: Pessoa contemplates examining his life to understand how he arrived where he is. Fragment 18: Pessoa feels content staying in his mundane job, needing only minimal income and time for dreaming and writing. Fragment 19: Pessoa expresses in symbolic language his sensations of fleeting passions and repeatedly shattered illusions. Fragment 20: Whenever Pessoa tries to change his circumstances, new oppressive ones take their place. Fragment 21: Pessoa says we are all slaves to the gods, whether they exist or not. Fragment 22: Pessoa sees himself as destined to remain obscure, frail even in his innermost self. Fragment 23: Pessoa advocates embracing absurdity and contradiction to avoid false self-knowledge. Fragment 24: Pessoa realizes he shares more camaraderie with waiters and delivery boys than intimate friends. Fragment 25: Pessoa has an eerie encounter with a lithograph of a woman staring sadly at him. Fragment 26: Pessoa wishes to feel emotions vividly, as if each had its own heart. Fragment 27: Pessoa sees literature's imagination as the pinnacle of human effort, giving life permanence. Fragment 28: Pessoa longs for music or dreams to stir feeling and stop thought. Feel free to share some of your Pessoan thoughts with me (stevewasserman AT gmail DOT com) or as a voice note on WA (+44 7804197605) Transcript: ⁠http://stevewasserman.co.uk/living-the-book-of-disquiet-fragments-12-28/

Fragment 1: Pessoa feels like an outsider, finding comfort in examining his feelings. * In what way do you experience yourself as “being on the fringe” of things? Is that a torment for you, or a pleasure, or both? * Do you consider yourself to be “a scholar of feelings”? In what way do you undertake this scholarship? Fragment 2: Pessoa lacks faith in both God and humanity. * What do you believe in? Fragment 3: Contemplating aesthetics consoles Pessoa against life's monotony. * In what way does the aesthetic contemplation of life, as it is described here, bring you solace and consolation? Fragment 4: Pessoa sees his life as an inn where he waits for death. * What kind of “roadside inn” is your life at the moment? Fragment 5: Pessoa's life is out of balance, focused on dreaming over action. * What is the ratio of action versus dreaming in your life? Are you happy with that balance (or imbalance)? Fragment 6: A profound sadness often arises in Pessoa, overwhelming his senses. * At what point in your day do you experience “a sadness, felt by your entire being, rising from soul to mind”? How do you manage this sadness? Fragment 7: Pessoa pursues subjective, aesthetic salvation to cope with reality. * How do you cultivate your own "salvation" and "renunciation"? What do these two words mean for you? Fragment 8: Literature and imagination anchor Pessoa amidst anxiety. * What sort of things “anchor” you in your disquiet? Fragment 9: Pessoa has grand hopes and dreams but feels fated to mundane reality. * What are your most “useless dreams” and “hopeless hopes”? What is your best and worst response to living with these? Fragment 10: Pessoa fantasizes about escaping his drab routine for a more colourful life. * If you were to take off your current “suit“ of life, what other costumes would you like to wear? And how would you find or manifest these in a real way? Fragment 11: Pessoa feels exploited by and exploits the world to survive. * In what ways do you feel exploited in your life? And how are you aware of consciously exploiting others/the natural world? -- Feel free to share some of your Pessoan thoughts with me (stevewasserman AT gmail DOT com) or as a voice note on WA (+44 7804197605) Transcript: http://stevewasserman.co.uk/living-the-book-…t-fragments-1-11/

My aspirations for how we might “live” Fernando Pessoa's The Book of Disquiet together.