Smize Queens

Happy Halloqueen! What will the Smize Guys uncover as they explore an abandoned warehouse? It could be the hologram of a lobotomized Allison Harvard, or nine aspiring models skydiving with a cup of yogurt. In episodes four through six of Cycle 3, they are haunted by vanishing crystals, mutilated brownies, and the single worst photo in Top Model history.

The Smize Guys are joined by ANTM travel conspiracy theorist John McDonough (Y: The Last Man) to discuss the first three episodes of Cycle 3. Cycle 3 has it all: MAGA-inspired prom dresses, toxic emotional codependency, and the inaugural horrible red-hair makeover.

Like student pilot Yoanna, our winner, Drew and Nick are flying solo this week for the last two episodes of Cycle 2. Get your helmets on and join us on her voyage from runway to runway. Weeks spent without male attention climaxes as Shandi gets scandy, and April—our favorite Calendar Girl—finally reciprocates her lust for Nigel.

Shake ya body body! Move ya body body! This video’s shoddy shoddy! The Smize Guys and King of Movement Deon Summerville revisit the embers of Tyra’s failed music career and like what they find. Is the Milanese rap pre-written? Is April secretly a robot? Tooch in for the answers.

The Smize Guys ♥ B.J.! Nick, Drew, and special guest Alye Miller (“Dump Him”) wax their vagines while they wax poetic about turtle tank hygiene and Yoanna House’s shitty kitchen. Put on your Shanthrax shirts, grab a bag of Rollitos, and come on down to the docks to learn what not to wear. The fight is on June 27th, watch out bitch.

My goodness me! The Smize Guys are joined by drag superstar and rudest girl ever Forda Boyz for the start of Cycle 2, which is already proving to be bling bling punk funk mod the HOUSE. Top Model is new and improved with bigger boobs and a bigger budget, which still doesn’t cover toilet paper or craft services. When Jenascia asked for a snack, she got it in Nigel Barker.

Robin and Shannon may have refused to pose nude, but the Smize Guys are baring it all this week. Find out how Avon Overlord Adrienne Curry has been, quite literally, kicking so much ass since her historic win. Nick finally gets Kesse’s name right just as soon as she is out the door, and Drew believes she was ROBBED by a bitter Tyra: Ken Mok, end of story.

The smize guys are joined by ANTM newbie and Frasier fanatic Jon Smith. Nick tries to explain Tyra’s burgeoning Jesus complex, Drew warns of the dangers of straightening hair extensions, and Jon spills tea that changes the podcast forever. We’re breaking all of the publicist’s rules in this one!

In the inaugural episode of the podcast, the smize guys travel all the way back to Cycle 1 of “America’s Next Top Model” with more takes than an issue of Stuff Magazine. Nick and Drew get into how they first fell in love with the show, the beauquillians of contestants from Chicago, butt nudity, and Elizabeth Moss (no, not that one). How excellent!