Irrelevant News

Irrelevant News is back! With a brand new host in tow. Talking dog collars, COVID erotica, floppy protestors; we're back baby!

Hello there, welcome to Build-a-Bumdildo, may we interest you in our special 'I am a free I am not man A number' bum dildo? Glued hats off when you're indoors please.

Do not get up and leave at any point during this podcast. Seriously, just don't.  Grab your favourite sex peanuts and overcome that fear of intimacy that your bingo habit left you with, it's the fucking 70s baby!

Irrelevant News is back and coming at you from lockdown! Join us on a slightly new adventure as we turn attention to the crazy world of Irrelevant Olds, this week it's the 1990's. Sit back, eat a large egg, and think about your favourite serial killer. 

Someone not very famous is in prison apparently... Bored of regular old Crufts and its dogs? Try the all new Crab contest show Crabz (or Crusts, we're undecided on the name). Shame that wasn't held on the day Ireland made a load of drugs legal. 

How do you like your eggs in the morning? Not in a public swimming pool with what may either be a paedophile or prosthetic leg. I wonder how Hugo Boss (the comedian not the corporation) likes his eggs?  

We're joined this week by the wonderful Miles Myerscough-Harris from the Top of the Plops podcast! We go all country proud in this episode and if you don't like that you can just fight us, or do what Callum does when he gets upset and one-punch an Orangutan. Health and safety warning when visiting famous holes in walls, do not attempt to climb through.

We've done a vital public service and shared the wonders of the world's greatest country band, McAllister Kemp with you all, thank us later. Don't forget to stash your "big bag of drugs" alongside your phone under the fridge.

Can't tell the difference between a serious illness and a beer? Then you're an idiot. Fear not though, for this world may well be full of bank robbers with pillow cases on their heads, and big fat owls, we can count ourselves lucky that the incredible Man Man is here to protect us all.

Ever had to do a Megxit cause you kicked a Tower Raven to death? Or were you busy taking your parrots out for a walk? You might need an emotional support rabbit if you've recently had your eyelashes knocked off by a dildo at the bingo. (That will make sense soon).

Ever wanted a really expensive candle that smells like Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina? Well you can come browse that and more of her weird products with us. Unless of course you have 1.4 pets, in which case you'll be far too religious for any of this nonsense, apparently. 

We’re not very proud of this one, all we can do is apologise in advance. I wouldn’t listen to this whilst eating because it turns out that t secret ingredient we’re referring to is, for some reason, spunk. Oh and some muppets robbed a bank or something idk.

It's the last Irrelevant News of the decade! So see out the decade the same way your saw it in, with Penis Fish, bovine VR headsets, and arsonist dogs. See you next decade!

Ding dong merrily on high! It's time for an Irrelevant Christmas. Make sure you're not breaking any of our weird Christmas laws. Decline the Turkey this year, and try not to think about Will's Christmas Boner. Merry Christmas x

If a man throws two ferrets at 12 cars and tapes them to a wall, is it art?  Stop looking at shagging ducks, slap some jam on your McDonald’s, and listen to us not answer that question.

Callum, Joe, and Will are sick and tired of the current political climate in the UK leading up to this general election, and as such have launched their own political parties.  Listen to the candidates lay out their flagship policies for a better Britain. 

Are you feeling lonely? Perhaps there's a lovely new word for you to make you feel better. If you've had a bucket of shit dumped on you, clean yourself off and join us in an Australian bird quiz. 

"Back in my day you'd never have all these bloody podcasts, I mean, radio, on a phone? You millennials make me feel sick, and now look at the world, we got Russians interfering in bird of the year polls, dead geezers lodging legal appeals, world's gone to pot, brexit means brexit" Ok boomer...  

An absolutely shocking episode this week as Callum confesses on air to a murder that tore apart a community. Pack away your gun shaped toilet roll holders, make an arrangement with your tiny driver, and listen to this instead of watching those shitty horror films you've added to your list on Netflix.  (Joe, Callum, and Will are doing their bit to help Men's Mental Health, an issue that's very close to their hearts, if you can spare anything to sponsor their Movember effort's then we will love you forever, you can donate here: https://mobro.co/clappedmo?mc=1)

How many hitmen does it take to not kill a guy? A lot, apparently. Strap yourself in for an episode far quieter than a White Bellbird. Also, if you're listening to this whilst taking a dumb photo on the staircase in Joker, fuck you. 

Ever wondered what type of bird you are? We didn't either, but now we know.   Put seat belts for your ears, check the passenger seat for stray geese, and grab a handful of Al Capone's famous grapes.

Do you want to get irrationally angry at a teenager trying to save the planet? Irrelevant News is here to tell you why you're an idiot.   After a dose of seriousness, just sit back and listen to the much anticipated audio book version of Spongeknob Squarenuts.

You ever been so drunk that you see and injured finch and you simply MUST take it to the nearest bird hospital? Callum might well have been. Please don't listen to this episode with a lit stick of dynamite in your hand, or whilst performing surgery on a goldfish.

If a squirrel scurries in a squarrel, did it understand the birds? We don't know what that means either but apparently Lo does. Pop a squat on your gold toilet, grab your pet two-headed snake, and enjoy a selection of terrible sports.

Do you want a new Irrelevant News episode? Does the Pope get stuck in lifts? Well sit back, make sure the police know you're home, and come back in time with us. 

An absolutely ELECTRIC episode this week. PSA for listeners, please do not listen with your pet racoon.  Just grab a glass, suck up all the sun's energy, and enjoy.

Revenge is on the menu for Lo tonight, as well as prosecco, and flame grilled bear. Oh and if an angry seagull comes at you whilst you're listening to this, stare the little twat directly in the eyes. 

Before you listen to this episode, get on your hover-board, make your way to your nearest Polski Sklep, and pickup some delicious wafer biscuits. Just watch out for seagulls on your way home. 

What is the best crisp? You tell us cause we certainly don't know.  Tune in to listen to 20 solid fun-filled minutes of Lo crying. 

If you're listening to this on the train please don't get your hair stuck in the door. Just sit back with 170lbs of stolen chicken, relax, and imagine a masturbating ape ghost.  

Let's see them Aliens, and them radioactive rattle snakes. Those things may be surprising, but probably not as surprising as a gimp man coming at you in the night.  (Whilst we've got your attention, Callum would like you to sign up to his movement for the extinction of Pandas).

Have you ever seen a herring gull covered in curry powder? Have your favourite sardines ever been out of stock at the supermarket? Have you ever bought somebody else's bathwater? It's enough to make you hide cocaine in your foreskin.  We had a guest, swipe right on his tinder: https://www.gotinder.com/@harrynugent?fbclid=IwAR2pPZ5vs0XwafndM-5WzRucjFbVKqDO4tPklnmWueYhnWyH55TGdmPsDXQ

What do Stormzy, Zola the Seal, and a methamphetamine-fuelled “attack squirrel” have in common? Ask our new bloody hosts! Irrelevant News returns for its third season with a brand new crew!