Susan from Scratch

In this episode: We celebrate the end of grizzly 2020 and the beginning of joyous 2021 by not mentioning them in any way for the full 30 minute runtime of this episode. Also in this episode: Some stuff about Susan. Well, not about Susan, actually. But about her phone. Also, more Stanley Tucci gossip somehow?

In this episode: Ant drinks! What else were you expecting? Also in this episode: A number of sincere and heartfelt apologies, mostly by Maggie, but also to some (lesser) degree by Malcolm.

In this episode: The story of Richard comes to an extremely confusing climax. We may have ventured too far down the birdhole on this one. Also in this episode: Swans, geese, and A brief snippet of the Aeneid. And for those of you who want the background on our impenetrable "hello to you joke", here's a youtube link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGodNwt_F0M (no guarantee it's still working)

Hey, it's a heck of a day today, eh? No matter how things are going down, we could all use a little break from the stress and strain. So here's a single episode from our podcast within a podcast - The Chillzone! In it, there's no mention of... anything really. Mal and Mag pass the time for a lazy hour, drifting aimlessly from topic to topic. No goals, no stress, and (oddly) no Susan. We thought the sound of two people talking amiably about nothing in particular for an hour might help take your mind off of, oh, whatever. If not, fear not... there will be a regular SFS episode tomorrow.

In this episode: We uncover some startling revelations concerning the physical identity of our friend Richard, revelations which threaten to alter the whole nature of our current perception concerning the concerns we concern ourselves with in this episode. Also in this episode: Money Troubles

In this episode: We begin the laborious process of parsing through our longest review yet! What mysteries will it reveal? What deep secrets does it contain? Only Richard knows... Also in this episode: Some brief conversation about distasteful authors and the fates of their books.

In this episode: Susan attempts to rapidly transit from one coast of the continent to the other in a strained attempt to maintain a complex ruse whose sole purpose is the maintenance of her already overblown vanity. Or possibly not, I can't remember what we decided. Also in this episode: Nickelodeon near-stardom and brief references to Doctor Who

In this episode: Susan pushes bravely forward in the search for her ideal home in the halls of Academe. We discuss some of the exciting discoveries happening at Caltech as we take a journey to the frontiers of materials science. Also in this episode: A mild Cousin Itt Joke and some brief conversation about S'mores

In this episode: The college search continues! We venture out to Oregon to sample the liberal arts scene. We complicate Susan's academic decision-making with the promise of bold and exciting opportunities out west. Also in this episode: Business talk and a rudimentary attempt at a Seinfeld.

In this episode: College! Hail Varsity! The old Alma Mater (eventually, I promise. It may not be clear that the episode is about this for a fair quantity of time)! Also in this episode: The dog within? Yeah, that's the title of the episode. It's also in the episode. What do you want.

In this episode: Further turtlejacking (still not what it sounds like), serious continued swolitude of turtles, and an increasing and unresolved runaway process of even more turtle beefing. Also in this episode: Considerable dabbling with unsavory moral possibilities but, ultimately, a redemption.

In this episode: Turtle swoling, the beefing of turtles, turtlejacking (not what it sounds like), and general muscularization of turtles and turtle adjacent reptiles (actually, now that we've reviewed it, it's just turtles). Also in this episode: A surprisingly dark moral conundrum

In this episode: A great quantity of reminiscing about our childhoods and comparatively little effort into giving Susan a childhood of her own. Also in this episode: More pee talk than is necessary. Glitter Dog. Inelegant bragging about interesting childhood memories for which we can take little personal credit.

In this episode: More discussion of dude wines, somehow. Also in this episode: Infinite sweat. Brow and eyeliner.

Donate/Get Involved/Help: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/   Learn/Read/Grow: https://www.rachelcargle.com/social-syllabus https://bookshop.org/books/between-the-world-and-me/9780812993547 https://bookshop.org/books/so-you-want-to-talk-about-race/9781580058827

Relax your bones, dear listeners, it's Quarantini time. Prepare yourself a distracting concoction and let those aforementioned bones tumble down into an artful heap in that lovely bunker with us.

In this episode: Susan takes a heartbreaking journey from the pure freedom she found in her time as a blue man and learns to transition back into the mundanity of everyday life.

In this episode: Susan becomes one with the deep movings of the great city clock. The blue-man-ness also continues. Also in this episode: Dude wines

Be at peace, friends, it's Quarantini time. Slosh some apropos liquors into a harmonious admixture and let yourself fall gracefully downwards into that trusty bunker with us.

In this episode: Susan undergoes a remarkable transformation and roves out into the city in search of others of her kind. Also in this episode: Martini olives. Extensive discussions of martini olives.

Take a breath, it's Quarantini time. Shuffle a few well chosen fluids into a novel yet pleasing mixture and let yourself fall into that welcoming bunker with us. 

In this episode: We get down to business. Pig business that is. And by business, we mean what to do with the business a pig leaves behind. That's right, this episode is all about the business you get out of the business end of a pig. Also in this episode: A rooftop garden.

Relax, it's Quarantini time. Drip a bit of some tasty liquid into a vacant highball glass and slide down into that old happy bunker with us.

In this episode: At last - a hearty discussion about cheese. Cheese of various kinds. Cheese from various sources. Cheese in all its glorious manifestations. Also in this episode: a pig, a costume, and a surprise celebrity cameo.

Fear not, our second Quarantini episode is here. Pour yourself a snifty of something delish, and traipse on down into that dusty bunker with us.

In this episode: We take Susan back to her roots. And by roots - we mean that time she lived with a pig. Why did she live with the pig? What happens next? Listen and find out... (That's the point of the podcast. Were you expecting a complete summary in the show notes?)

Welcome to the inaugural episode of Quarantini - our response to the world's problems. Mix yourself up a nice something to drink, slip into something comfortable and head down into the bunker.

Okay - so things are a little weird right now. And we're not just talking about Susan. In this episode: we confront the strangeness of the world, and decide that a little self care is warranted. Also, we get ourselves out of the now four week long pickle we've been in through a timely (haha) review.

In this episode: We do give Susan a new memory? Or a part of a memory? Or some kind of fragment that might... oh god what have we done. How do we get out of this? Help!

In this episode: Honestly... not as much as we had hoped. But hey, what do you want? It's hard out there. Don't worry, we got the job done. Well, we didn't get the job done, but we did fill the time. And that's what matters, isn't it?

In this episode: We begin to outline a rough sketch of some kind of situation in the context of Susan's... home life? The details are still somewhat in flux, but there is certainly (possibly) a shepherd involved, as well as some cameos from a few old friends. Also in this episode: We semi-intentionally insult a large swath of American culture, accidentally ramble through the longest intro of all time, and discover that Malcolm has in fact seen "The Devil Wears Prada".

In this episode: Finally! We arrive at the thrilling middle of our dental saga. We can imagine no better conclusion (in a middle way) to this fraught tale. Also in this episode: The august questions of Bernard Pivot, Eugene Levy, The Strega Nona of bread, and The Goose.

In this episode: It turns out that the beginning of the tooth story we told last week was not the beginning but the end. Here, at last, we arrive at the true beginning. Next week? We tackle the middle.

In this episode: Few relationships are more sacred, or more emotional, than the bond between dentist and patient. Like great love stories or great tragedies, like the most sweeping epics and the most moving dramas, all truly important dental stories have beginnings. This is that beginning. Now that I'm thinking about it, I suppose all stories have beginnings? Wait, is that true? What about the neverending story? The movie has a beginning, but I haven't read the book... More on that next week.

We're back! Where did we go? It's not entirely clear. But what's clear now is that we're back. And we're putting our best foot forward as you can hear in this episode, which certainly contains a significant new memory for Susan that we have conjured up using our skills and efforts. What is that memory? You'll just have to listen to find out...

In this episode: Susan's journey through cop city takes on a dreamlike and, oddly, biblical tone. We herald the arrival of The Maccabeast, and make a quick yet timely reference to a favorite character from one of our oldest episodes.

In this episode: Susan visits an old friend, bringing havoc and disaster with her.

In this episode: the halloween theme (inexplicably) continues. Susan enters the zombiehole with the help of her trusty inverted umbrella and confronts the Kobe-ing miscreants. The merits of ostrich legs are also briefly discussed.

In this episode: We continue our halloween-themed exploration. Susan has cut the mango, that is certain. But what happens next? And how do zombie supply chain logistics figure into it?

In this episode: We begin to explore some part-time work that Susan undertook over the spooky season. Pits, dowels, and tombstones are also involved. Also discussed - babies, things that come out of babies, big dumb cats.

We're trying out a new thing... Sharing names between episodes that go together. Will this make it easier to figure out when new stories begin? Perhaps! In this episode: The saga of Thomas and George comes to its inevitable conclusion, and we leave poor real person George Chen with a memory he'll never forget.

In this episode: We meet Thomas the reverse bicentennial man, and begin the arduous process of plotting out his time in Susan's restaurant. Also discussed - Malcolm's upcoming trip to Tampa with his new friend George Chen.

Okay, so in the post-baby world, we seem to be on a bi-weekly schedule. No doubt this will resolve itself in the weeks to come, just as soon as the baby starts pulling her weight in the podcasting department. In this episode: We discover just how short ball life can be. Producer's note: If you have any information concerning "Twilight Zone Forever Mailman", please forward it to susanfromscratch@gmail.com

In this episode: We explore the dark origins of everyone's favorite fishman, Zit "Too Long" Shorts! Also discussed - how to take advantage of fellow airplane passengers, and some of the murkier details of sandwich mathematics.

What's that sound?? That's right, it's the repeated thumping of knees and elbows on the table! Mag and Mal are together again, recording into a single microphone. But rest assured, while the audio quality of this episode may have taken a serious hit, the content is as good as ever! In this episode: Susan receives sage wisdom regarding goldfish rearing methods, and makes a friend that might just get her into the watery bowels of the city. To clarify - we're talking about the city's secret fish zones.

In this episode: Susan briefly tours pontoon city (which is just as cool as you thought it was going to be) and manages to bring this void-universe journey to a close. Additionally - Mal & Mag struggle to dredge up any knowledge whatsoever about a group of fairly well known rockstars.

OK so listen! One of us may have sort of in a certain sense if you look at it in just the right way from a certain perspective had a baby. That is to say, well, let me put it this way. I HAD A BABY!!!!  (I, in this instance, am Malcolm) OK! More info soon. Look out for new episodes, they will eventually be coming.

In this episode: Susan's voidworld journey takes her to the outskirts of pontoon city, but perhaps those friendly waters aren't as friendly as they seem...   Editor's note: Malcolm is the clear winner of the "Guinness Bet"(tm) made in this episode.

In this episode: Susan's journey through the voidworld continues... To say more would spoil the fun.

In this episode: We catch up with the marimo balls, which have been chilling on Malcolm's desk for some week now. And, Susan catches up with her past, or rather, Susan's past catches up with her. An opportunity presents itself to right an old wrong, but the path is dangerous. Does Susan resist the call of adventure? You'll just have to listen to the episode to find out.

In this episode: We discuss mornings, morning routines, morning meals, mourning, and mjolnir (some segments from broadcast cut for time). Also, not to kill that morning vibe, Susan's life is crossed by yet another dark curse.