I Havent Seen It

This is not a sci-fi thriller about an old woman who believes in aliens who lives in a telescope with her non-believer husband, who must stop alien baby Stacy Keach from infecting the world with a deadly biological agent by injecting him with Pepsi. No way Jose is this starring Sigourney Weaver, Samuel L. Jackson and Stacey Keach.

This is not a romance drama about a 30-something woman called Helga with lots and lots and lots of cats who eats alone at a Chili's in Milwaukee every Wednesday night, only to meet a handsome stranger who turns out to look exactly like the Nazi soldier who hunted her as a child. Positively not starring Emma Stone and Ryan Reynolds.

This is not a historical epic about a Roman Emperor called Cesario (Caesar's cousin) who is locked in a deadly struggle with the barbarian queen Garbothia but then they fall in love and after a night of passionate love making, cover all seven hills of Rome in a layer of wax.

This is not an award-winning documentary, set during the fast food craze of the 80's and 90's, about a morbidly obese man who developes a unique friendship with a hamster, while struggling with body positivity.

This is not a heartwarming tale about a young girl who becomes a musical prodigy after learning to see her quirky, schizophrenic drummer neighbour, Totoro, for the wonderful friend that he really is. Absolutely not starring that actor who was also in Seven Samurai.

This is not a gritty Russian drama about a lonely boy called Yuri who wishes he has a sister and then gets a sister but she's a zombie with dog teeth after which they meet a blind cat and float down the river Volga for several decades and it's all a big metaphor for something.

This is not a Western about a stranger who arrives in the town of Shovel, looking for the treasure of St.Pedro, who finds a mysterious map on a saloon wall and ends up leading the whole town on a digging fool's errand.

This is not an inspirational rags-to-riches story about a small boy who invests his life savings in crypto only to lose everything and who then decides to climb K2 only to meet the creator of BitCoin on it's summit, and together they dig up the Lost Ledger with the help of a mysterious sherpa only to uncover the Magic Keywords and then get brutally murdered by the creator of Ethereum. I can't imagine this is starring Ryan Gosling, Robert Duvall and some guy called Tencent.

This is not a steampunk inspired matrix sequel in which Neo turns out not to be the one, but is in fact an assassin who must kill a metaphorical contract with the movie studio that made the same movie that he is starring in which also turns out to be a giant metaphor for stuff.

This is not a survival story about a lone hallucinating carpenter who retreats into the forest after living through the apocalypse, only to find himself at odds with the new corporate fascist communist world order.

This is not an 1970's action adventure about a man whose father's accidental drowning and surprise rediscovery leads to him becoming Santa Claus and sets them on an unforgettable journey to the jungles of Vietnam to pump some Viet Cong full of Christmas cheer.

This is not a fast-paced political thriller about a Justice Department whistleblower who shares his dark secret with a journalist, only to find out that everyone he knows and trusts, including his own wife, are actually Dick Cheney.

This is not a mind melting sci-fi riddle directed by Christopher Nolan about a hard-partying scientist who invents a super molly and accidentally opens a space portal through which Albert Einstein and a bunch of monkeys enter into our dimension and start all kinds of dance crazes.

This is not a tense courtroom thriller about a hot-shot lawyer who goes on a deadly rampage after discovering he helped free a murderer. Definitely not starring Idris Elba, Sandra Bullock and Nicholas Cage.