Journey to Trust

We start the reboot of this podcast with an unconventional introduction. I chose this commentary on a track I just released because I believe this speaks firmly of my purpose as a creative. I engage my rap influences as well as kick off the bar for bar analysis of the most recent release. So join me for the kick off as I discuss the tension of "The Craft & Calling." 

To kick off Season 2 of the podcast I thought it most beneficial to pick up where we left off in Season 1. In this episode I work through Luke :12-13 to answer the question of, "Do I Matter to God?" It is a hard concept for me to wrap my head around because of my personal baggage. Nevertheless I'll walk through Intimacy Principle 2 as well as this story of the Leper that was touched by Jesus to get to the heart of how specifically and specially God loves us.

Engaging the second step builds off of the first. If in the first step I step out of denial and learn that I am out of control, then I have to actually identify who is in control. If I am not God the question then we have to ask ourselves is, who is? I posit that it is Jesus. There is no one like Him in all of history. The power and compassion, the grace and mercy that Jesus shows is unparalleled to any other expression of God known to man. If he is who He says he is. Then He is God and that means something to my life.

Taking the first step in any difficult journey provokes hesitancy. The hesitance I have encountered has always come because I allowed the denial of the need for the journey to rule my thoughts. As I talk about intimacy I testify and challenge us to confront attempts to control and how those attempts are hinderances to the intimacy journey. Here are a list of a only a few of the many possible control characteristics I'll glance over:Control via CriticismControl via UltimatumsControl via RewardsControl via Unequal standardsControl via Unforgiveness/ResentmentImage ControlStuffing/ Suppressing Emotions & PainUnless there is courage present to tackle the mountain of control we will always distance ourselves from intimacy with God and others.

It is hard to ignore the drum beat of the predominant narrative being propagated by mainstream sources. I got sucked into the echo chamber of social media and felt the strong prompting of God to pull away. As I did He lead me to listen to what my body was telling me and gave me some significant revelation about how I personally relate to these times of tension and division. Continue to join me on my "Journey to Trust" how God is shaping me in times of crisis.

This episode kicks off where episode 3 left off. My good friend Rich Schnell is back to talk about the inspiration to the first track of my album "Come Home Mr. Martinez." This was in all respects a true introduction. In the same way a literary introduction captures all the main elements of the entire work the first track captures all the album's particular themes. Below is a line by line analysis to help you understand. "How did I get hereYears of recovery and psychoanalysis Have me questioning If the cost was even worth it for years of introspection and I still feel worthlessNot void of value just worth less than what I sell myself for on any given day."(Personal and inherent value is a constant struggle of mine. through the metaphor of buying and selling goods I express my perceived value and anchor the theme in word "worth." Explaining how my constant failure even in recovery leads me to question my value as well as the value of the Journey I'm on.)"I mean, have job security If you want to call it that A wife and what many call financial freedom I wouldn't call it that"(Although I am at a place in my life where things circumstantially seem to be looking up I feel emotionally stuck and so I minimize my perceived success. The emphasis on personal pronouns is also a purposeful element inspired by recovery. I use the medium of music the same way I use my support group.) "And I've realized that‘s freedom is a word loosely usedBut I've recognized true freedom is a Freedom to And not a freedom fromWait, Hold upThat sounds like Birthing a Vision, Ya'll remember thatThat my life is still marked by SucceedingI knew that then but never resolved to find the answer why"(This whole section is a tie-in to my first mixtape "The Birth of a Vision." I had another spoken word piece entitled "Success" and also a song called "Freedom." In "Success" I say, "my life is marked by succeeding." I am essentially reinforcing my dismal feelings about the current place I am in both internally and externally.)"Why do I long for a vision of successA striving to be great at the cost of constantly being Reminded of how barren I amMy soul is yearning for the promise a Not my purposeThe work of God , not the work of JohnThe Isaac and not the Ishmael"(Constantly being roped into this ambition to be great the more I try the more incapable I feel. It is much like Abraham and Sarah's struggling with "The Promise." Their promise from God was that He would make them a great nation. They forced their will by Sarah making Abraham sleep with their maidservant and birthing Ishmael who was not the promised heir. In time God blessed Them with a seed Isaac. I am longing for my seed of greatness to be birthed.)"I feel like I'm searching for Something I've never known And is alien to my conditioningI'm searching for a safe a place where I belongA place where I can be myself Without regard for how I'll be received, a place where I'm not plagued by the compulsion to achieveA place where I am accepted, validated, freeA place where I don't have to do A place where I can just beI just want a safe place A place where I belong and I can Just be meA place where I'm accepted and freeNo value from do's and don'tsA place I can Just be"(Essentially my search for greatness is alien to me as Abraham and Sarah were aliens in a foreign land. The same way they sought for refuge, my soul longs for refuge. A refuge not plagued by compulsions and ungodly ambition or the incessant desire to codependently be something the world around me tells me I should be. A refuge void of performance and full of inherent existential acceptance.)

Making the first move is sometimes the hardest part to getting on track. I continue this series on "Intimacy" explaining what God has shown me is step one to becoming more intimate with God, others and self. Like most powerfully impactful things the concept is not hard to wrap my brain around. It is executing on this simple truth that is truly challenging.

Most who observed christian spirituality have minimized the walk of faith to a list of things to do and don't do. I kick off a concept God has given me in my "Journey to Trust" that helps me to guard against a mindset of relapse. It is not enough for me to meditate on "do not sin" tendencies. He desires much more than obligation. He desires intimacy with me. But how do I know when I am not pursuing intimacy? When I am walking in patterns of isolation.

Come Home Mr. Martinez is the first full length album I was privileged with helping God piece together. It was truly an inspired telling of my journey through recovery. Most of the album is still relevant to where I am in real time. This is part of an interview I had with a good friend if mine, and brother in the Lord, about the inspiration for the album and what my expectations are for those who listen to this project.

Having to slow down because of the pandemic has given me more time. I found myself distracted with facebook and stumbling across one political post after another. Each more insensitive and ignorant than the other which aggravated me more and more. God chose this time and this frustration to speak a simple truth in a way I needed to hear it.

All spiritual journey's have an entry point. I share the origin of this life changing phrase God inspired. The phrase "Embrace The Process" opened me to a world of understanding that expresses the mindset that God has inspired me to walk in.