Stream of Consciousness

http://drift.strikingly.com |On the part of the 'being neglected', it hurts sometimes. However, attributing this 'negative affect' towards some bad intention on the part of the other person, is the easiest interpretation, but it's not realistic. Thankfully, my parents put me into perspective, before I sink further into self-gazing and self-'legitimizing'.

http://drift.strikingly.com Having been entangled by thoughts that I can't set straight internally, I turned for the recorder again (after determining to avoid this self-involved behavior last month). During distress I sill keep analyzing myself, how and why () feels worse to + a morsel of social interaction on top of NONE previously. Eventually found the problem is within the question itself.

http://drift.strikingly.com || Ongoing stream of curiosity and figuring out towards clarity, this podcast is my mind in a drift bottle. Not being able to read or get education, my own senses and reason is my education in a secluded life. I connect my firsthand perception dots using the plainest rationality. However I can never know whether these thoughts are ingenious, cliche or simply worthless. Now, I want to ... I have to find out.

http://drift.strikingly.com/blog/14-1| I was piecing up the pieces about her which she just randomly revealed. This experience of being INSIDE her life has opened my eyes about how life can be non-linear.

http://drift.strikingly.com/blog/14| I wasn't always this self-involved 'thought-chewer', in the drastically different environment in NZ, I was a sponge soaking in greedily.

Education and motivation have always come from within myself. PS,If you know any solution for Vergence Dysfunction (of the eye), please let me know. I'd really love to read again.

Traveling solo is easier for my head to cope.

With this fallible human mind, and occupying only this tiny dot of perspective in space and history, I can't really bring myself to eloquently boast I'm RIGHT. Not actually doing this because it's right in a MORAL sense, but it's the only selfish rational thing to do -- to spare the time and energy from defending against A SINGLE STATE in my ever-flowing stream of cognition, instead I'd rather use that time and energy to move forward. Time is finite for everyone, time spent on expressing would of course detract from thinking. But then of course, this freedom is granted to ME now cuz I'm not in a position where I have to be self-assured all the time in order to push forward to GET things, to make a living. When it's a job, I guess you have no room for doubt? cuz you're presenting the PRODUCT, you're presenting whatever you have or know as the END STATE, you can't say I know 'this is not good enough' etc etc.

It's second instinct for me to try eliminate any feeling of alienation from another person.

By judging a person's knowledge or perspective as 'inferior' (because it's less intellectual, or less 'enlightened'), I'm in fact suffering from the narrowness of my own knowledge -- because the tiny part relating to 'intellectual mindset' is the ONLY part I RECOGNIZE (hence think of it as the only important knowledge), thus it's the only part I SEE, oblivious to the rest of his/her knowledge (which of course is his/her home base). It only takes a short switch to a circumstance in which none of the things I KNOW would be of ANY USE, then I'll be the one in awe of their vast unfathomable knowledge and realize what a snob I was. So narrowminded to forget that ALL KNOWLEDGE IS IMPORTANT (in the sense that it serves a function), after all they're acquired and developed by people to get through each and every lifepath which is just as solid and REAL as any other.

If you look really intently and peel off the layers of your inner perception, then Proust of course is just giving the plainest description. Words are pulled out to verbalize the qualia of the consciousness (which is just the plainest mental presence). The words are just external manifestation of the unseen experience, which is JUST AS solid. If you 'totally see what another person means', at this moment, both of your minds are referring to the same experiential qualia and logic with these word tokens. THEN, all adjectives evaporates, you don't feel any wish to give judgement or evaluation towards this person.

I never left this little place where I grew up in, however, I wasn't ever really part of it.

http://drift.strikingly.com/blog/1-walk-with-timemark| This recording is long and not eventful, but could be good for transporting one's mind. In this tape, you'll hear live sounds from this tiny town in China where I live. …… 'At times I even think a foreign accent might be a good thing, people will hear you and think 'Hey her English is pretty good" instead of 'what's with the tiny vocabulary and constant faltering'

http://drift.strikingly.com/blog/13-slow-tv-2 1. (little digression) Anomalies are the peepholes (for scientists) to look into the mechanism of our body/mind and everything. 2. (back to slow tv) As the walls of 'criteria' melts, the nuances of the thing itself begins to seep in.

I'm spelling out my gut feeling towards the notion of Slow TV. I used a whole lot of little analogies to convey my perspective (to make up for my lack of language tools), e.g. compare slow TV to the Buddhist's wooden fish. In multiple senses: A. serving as a frame to gather attention. B. (the screen/ the striking sound) serving as a handle to switch mode of attention. C. its monotony pressures you to zoom in.

A train ride. Recorded sounds of everything from the station, on the train, all the way to the city of Tianjin. And my little thoughts along the way.

My stable persona wasn't formed within a social context, so I don't really HAVE a persona, I'm a blank slate or a piece of floating ice. I could (or have to) change like a chameleon just to fit in, move across the board like ice with little friction.