Until You Hit The Paywall

*SPOILER ALERT* If you haven't seen The Ritual on Netflix, spoilers are mindlessly given. Also, welcome back, you all! Sorry for the extended pause without notice. Additionally, DOES it really live in the woods?

The van breaks down. Will everyone else?Follow the Instagram account I talk about on this episode! @UPaywall

New theory: does Mr. Redfield just want to be part of the gang, or are we learning why children disappear so easily in national parks?

Where do you find a flashlight? Does a family in the woods accept diamonds? Find out on the next webisode of ScaredGuyTactical.com

Nothing good starts with a flashback. RIP JANE.

[This episode is brought to you by Scared Guy TacTical™] What does having no provisions on a remote beach in California look like? A recipe for potential disaster. That's why Guðrun buys Scared Guy TacTicaL™. They have everything for your guy needs to feel less scared.  

Bristol is out for revenge. Remember that time she was slighted? You likely haven't finished reading this because it's too humid. 

In this episode, Bristol has an out-of-body experience and lives the lives of her friends. Kicker is, she doesn't remember it.

Ever go to Texas? They only take diamonds, and you can't afford anything.

New Rule: Be on a witch's good side. I cannot stress this enough. Be kind to every witch you meet.

Is it Colin? Is it Stefan? Do mouth sounds bother you? Do hallucinogens make your mind have nightmares while awake? Are you confused by the choices you make? Dear Listener, you're in the right place.

All road trips lead to New York City, where everyone talks fast and disdains unprepared comedians.

A mysterious road trip leads to a mysterious mansion owned by rich people that are leaving for a trip to Greece. Who will make it out alive? (Spoiler: Everyone)

Bristol Hammers does her level best to rally the troops, but will the troops listen to someone talking "crazy" about something that "never happened"? Will the good witch Ava help? Featuring plenty of catchy tunes, physically impossible dance numbers, and innuendos the kiddos won't get, this is surely to be a summer delight for your family. You, however, might make an excuse to use the restroom and sidle up to the lobby bar.

A hedge maze is the perfect game to be described in excruciating detail.

Guðrún gets a call from Zack, he asks her to get in a van. What happens next is something the physics of the Universe can't explain. Clickbait headlines will weep.

Bristol Hammers -a woman with a football team's name- is visited by her dark, let's-not-talk-about-this-ever-again past. Also, there's a freaking awesome witch in this story (Bristol knows a good one when she sees one).   Lauren Fechner joins again to keep sanity while Tristan shouts random things.

Is there such a thing as the perfect dance? Guðrún is in a daze as her beloved steps away for awhile and talks to everyone in existence. (Spoiler: Kaitlyn is STUNNING)   Lauren Fechner joins again on this foray into... pressing 'play'.

Books do not write themselves.Lauren Fechner joins us again, gaining Sainthood with patience, compassion, and a good sense of humor. 

WARNING: This episode contains an improvised musical number. A song about a place Texas can take someone. Someone special. Someone with a Paywall.Lauren Fechner on kazoo.

Like Einstein proposed, velocity will change how your place in the universe is relevant to time; choices both matter and don't matter. Here's to Choices! *clink*Lauren Fechner joins again to help us all through these troubling decisions.

Guðrún is back from LA and Kaitlyn has some bad news. Do you know the four phase changes?   Lauren Fechner, field corespondent, steps off the field and into the studio to lend her expertise.

Content warning: there is gun violence in this episode that may upset listeners. We had fun recording the episode, but felt it was important to include this heads-up. Take care of yourselves, and your friends. That's what Texas Jo would do.

Guðrún flies to LA to see James. When she lands she finds that she's in LA. Lauren Fechner joins as co-host  to usurp Ramekin's throne *yet again*.

Mouth harps, music discoveries, and a bunch of friendships thrown into a blender. What could go wrong? Lauren Fechner, someone who has more knowledge of music than Tristan Tifft, hops on the Good Ship Freshman.

Those you love and trust will betray you. That's the lesson Tristan learns. Lauren Fechner, who has a dot-com in her name, joins us again on Veil of Secretsssssssshhhhhhhhhh....

The plot thickens as the hosts try to figure out the pronunciation and meanings of words. Sounds like something Guðrún could be focusing on, but friends are important, you all. Lauren Fechner steps in as co-host again, and is intent to find how you should really say 'forte' out loud. Thanks to her efforts, we're all achieving the goal of the Philosopher's Stone: enlightenment. 

This episode contains what is likely the most artistic, subtle, and innovative use of a free soundboard app in the history of recorded media. Paul LaNave, verified human being, is back!

Texas is in too deep. 1) How do you pronounce the name of people you kiss? 2) What the HECK is going on here?! 3) Is Texas even a journalist anymore, or a witness?Lauren Fechner joins again to get exasperated by the choices.

James is heading out to Hollywood, but there's someone he might not be able to trust. Skype hasn't been acknowledged as a form of communication, leading to suspicions about what era this story takes place in. Lauren Fechner braves the cold to join the latest installment of......... The Freshman.

Babies cry. Especially if you wear a cutter jacket to the sitting gig. Lauren Fechner joins again to dish some wisdom on choices.

Boat Law is the highest form of law. Someone gets shot.Lauren Fechner joins again in a longer-than-expected episode.

Zig also has some secrets (Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh). However, he'll tell them to Guðrún in a way that she doesn't feel uncomfortable... kind of.

Madison is having her 21st birthday party. Of course Guðrún and Kaitlyn show up. Madison is a F***ING SAINT. 

Texas is still wearing a red feather boa. Let us all reflect on this before listening to the episode.  Lauren Fechner joins again! (Does she know about the boa? Did I tell her that?)

Ever fight for people you believe in? TUNE IN. Paul LaNave, verified human being, joins again as Guðrún stumbles her mighty way toward graduation.

Funding for school textbooks turns into a Go Fund Me campaign on foot. Also, hot guys? Also, Becca's sister might be a prospective freshman? Paul LaNave joins again as a verified human being.

How do you steal evidence from a crime scene that isn't designated a crime scene? Is that a crime? Does it take too long? FIND OUT.Introducing Paul LaNave, verified human being, as guest co-host!

Ever the warrior, Guðrún schools away. Lauren Fechner returns! And she's still a real human being!

Guðrún and Kaitlyn go out clubbing! They hit up all of the clubs. All of them. And..... You'll have to "see" what happens.  Also, real human co-host Lauren Fechner returns! (This might become a regular thing, albeit with different people on occasion.)

Real human co-host, Lauren Fechner, returns! (Apologies to Phoebe Judge. We love your work. We love it so much it's almost... like we've committed a crime and are now in jail. Together. Like two... people who have committed a crime.) SPOILER ALERT: After a whole lot of talking and very little walking, Texas & Co. come up dry because potential relationships sidetrack this train so much it barrels into the emptiness of Yawn Canyon.  

A very special episode! Lauren Fechner, a human co-host, makes a guest appearance. Come to think of it, why hasn't this happened until now?And, as usual, Guðrún is back to her antics. 

"Guðrún has never seen so much blood..."is the sentence Tristan wants to write. Why wasn't he born on Halloween?

Warning: The word 'spooky' is said repeatedly with a lot of enthusiasm.

Who can you trust when you're told to trust no one? Texas is given a hat, a whip, and a whole world of hurt. ...Wait. No. He's still trying to figure out who murdered Tanner and abducted Kate. 

Guðrún is in a mire.

"Studying is difficult. But, you know what? Relationships are a whole different pond of fauna."-Dedication from the author of my favorite biology textbook ...Wait. Was that my psychology textboo- [Cue music]

Texas stumbles upon what may be the slow murder of the lower class by their rich overlords. Or, maybe there's an annual harvest that has a violent tradition?

The longest cast party in the world gets interrupted by an unexpected guest.Relationships get deeper. Until You Hit The Paywall also provides episode descriptions for Netflix.

James puts on his play! It was fun like Miss Julie (but Miss Julie doesn't step outside at the end).Good or bad, every show has a cast party.This is the most drawn-out cast party of all time, but everyone gets just as smashed.Again, if I tell you that's good or bad it would be a spoiler....Madison is still the best.

Texas Johansson is hot on the trail to find Kate.As with any true crime podcast, someone knows something about this up and vanished friend. There's something hiding in the dark, and Texas is going to sword and scale whoever's a** that abducted Kate before the trail [goes] cold. He'll look everywhere, even the last [place] on the left. It's criminal. Texas doesn't want this to be [his] favorite murder. ...Canadian True Crime. (had to get all the favorites in)