B-Minus Parents

I get it, we're technically late. Don't blame us, we're not getting paid—yet: ball's in your court, Denny's. We discuss the Large Dry Bird Holiday that passed, the Throwing Out So Much Paper Holiday to come, dating each other again, and the end of something wonderful (a TV show).

America: a masturbation country with a patriotic problem. This week, we present a trip report that desperately needs Febreze, a bunch of people that got horny at the worst possible time, and the life and death of the most congenitally stupid media company the world never knew.

You know what? No, you can't make me describe this episode. You need me to hold your hand through this? Waaaah, I need a description of the episode because I'm a big giant baby that can't handle the unknown! Well screw you, I'm not telling you that we talk about a racist local merchant, sports, and the diva to end all divas: Peppa Joanne Pig.

We regret to inform you that your parents remain horny. How does one talk to their kids about the specter of doing sex? We dig in, as well as discuss the possible death of an entertainment and pizza icon, the importance of vibes, and somehow improv a new segment that will continue next week.

Does this make you happy, you little piggies? At long last, does this satisfy you? Will this discussion of raising kids in a pro-cannabis household, the world's new girlfriend on the Great British Bake Off, and scary stories to tell in the dark finally quench your unslakable lust for content? Probably not, so we'll do another one next week. Love you, bye.

If the formless sesqicentenarian cosmic shrieking festival on TV didn't completely sap your energy, then do we have a podcast for you! All your favorites are there: the Contemptible Cheeto That Lives In The White House, the Forgetful Lummox That Used To Live In The White House With His Ethnic Friend, and at least nine versions of a death cult. Like, review, subscribe—or die!

Where have we been? The real question is: where haven't we been? And the answer, as it is for so many other people, is "crying while staring wistfully at the Yelp page for our favorite gastropub, pausing now and then to lob a can of tomato soup at a Department of Homeland Security stormtrooper." We found our microphones after our record-setting 74th move in the span of a year and talk pending elections, anti-capitalist rhetoric, Dua Lipa, and a lot of mispronounced German.

A triumphant return to talking to the person you're married to but putting a microphone in front of each other's faces and calling it a "podcast." A few housekeeping details, including changes in the B-Minus Family, both light and heavy (though we promise the heavy won't win). From there, it goes off the rails, as I'm pretty sure there was a natural gas leak in the studio.

In every Star Trek franchise, there is at least one episode where a mysterious plague threatens the entire ship. This is our version of such an episode. What part of this episode do you like the most? The various secretions from the adults' respiratory system that make it sounds like they're underwater? That the children speaking into the microphone don't understand how microphones work? Be sure to tell us on Instagram, Twitter, or yell it into a bucket and throw it out the window.

The teachers! United! Will never be defeated! The B-Minus Parents stand in solidarity with LAUSD's tireless educators in fighting for adequate pay, an end to charter school inanity, and at least four more albums from The Toasters. Beyond that, the Parents talk recent parenting they've seen in media—and it gets weird, fast.

Apologies in real-time and apologies in advance for both not keeping on top of any meaningful recording schedule and not getting back to such a schedule until after the New Year! In what feels like the first guest-free show in approximately nineteen presidential administrations, the B-Minus Crew (a nickname we're beta testing; it's terrible!) discuss holiday plans, Christmas movies worth watching, New Year's resolutions worth breaking, and a mispronounced name so wonderful, you'll have to hear it to believe it.

Taylor and Andrew have two (2) (II) guests in The Parent Trap, so first off, be ready for some hilarity. And second, apologies for some wonkiness in the sound quality: we're B-Minus Parents, but D-Plus Audio Engineers. Taylor's parents discuss being Taylor's parents, the tremendous legal and psychiatry bills they've rung up in the process, and the smooth transition to grandparenting. Plot twist: it's so much better than parenting that it shouldn't even share a root word.

The internet: it's apparently for everybody! That's unfortunate. We discuss the nature of having kids, being on social media, and having one's kids on the aforesaid social media. (Rule one: go private, charge for follows, repeat until you can afford to be hermits on your own tropical island.) While you're fretting over your children's online safety, play some board games! Plot twist, most of them are trash.

Anika, world traveler and person with enough sense to be like "nah" when the question of kids arises, joins the show to talk about the spirit of adventure, great places to travel, and just what it means when the river is your dishwasher and toilet. Plus, some choice memories of B-Minus Taylor at a let's say interesting point in her life! If you are interested in the fact that we live on a huge planet with lots of different things and places to see, consult your local library (which is also a thing and place to see; I know, it can be overwhelming).

The crossover event of the season! Podcaster, law monster, and former educator Tony (find him on Twitter @notthepunter) stops in to discuss having valor stolen from teachers, the real troops. We also get into a discussion of post-Renaissance Disney films so intense, there may have been a gun battle held afterwards. Follow the not-on-the-program Alexandria Hawkey on Twitter, @yungcruton, and her shows are as follows: October 25 - Oak Park Brewing Company - Oak Park, IL November 2 - Hidden Shamrock - Chicago, IL November 10 - Secret Show! - Chicago, Somewhere

Despite our repeated warnings, people still insist on becoming parents. One such person is Ashley, sister of B-Minus Taylor, who is mere weeks away from never sleeping again. We go over the travails, the trials, and the something else beginning with tr- of becoming a new parent. An important correction is made regarding favorite candies. And as an amuse bouche, a bit of celebrity gossip that had us all going "yeah, that sounds about right."

After a lengthy mental health hiatus (seriously: self-care matters), we are back... discussing why there needed to be a mental health hiatus in the first place. After officially noting that everything in Washington is officially trash garbage and cancelled, the Parents discuss the best season of the year: Halloween, when it's finally acceptable to have random body parts strewn about your lawn. Mostly acceptable, anyhow.

Ever see a movie and TV show and say "boy, I wish those were my parents?" That sounds tragic. Seek professional help. But! We are dishing all things fictional characters as parenting icons, parenting failures, and everything in-between. (Spoiler: Flintstones can get it, Jetsons are trash.) Twitter: @bminusparents Instagram: @bminusparents Grindr: TBD

A third chair appeared—and was subsequently filled by our third guest, Allison! Despite several references to Vicki Gunvalson, something far more scarring is on the menu today: traumatic births, and contrasted with so-called "normal" birth which also still sucks. But, as with all extremely intelligent people, the conversation meanders back to all things Bravo (remember how that channel used to show opera?), and a full-throated defense of—and repeated sniping attacks on—the "city" of Saint Louis.

The Black Pearl. King Tut's tomb. The Bambino. What do all of these things have in common? Nobody gives a shit. We talk profanity, intermittently using profanity, before a totally organic and logical pivot to a thing that, no doubt, will get you using cuss words at an Olympian level: childhood extracurricular activities. Follow us @bminusparents on twitter and instagram.

Once you pop(ulate your podcast with guests), you can't stop. Working stiff and mothering less-stiff Josie (find her on Instagram, @uneditedmommy for mom stuff and @glam.riot for work stuff) drops in to tell us the ups and downs of being a working parent, being raised as an adopted child, and harboring a secret past so shocking, it had to be said in the first 45 seconds of the interview.

Subject-verb agreement: we alone has thems. How? Reading, of course! We talk books now, books then—and eventually, the people that got us the aforesaid then-books. Did the B-Minus Parents suffer from grade deflation? Is there a parenting honor roll? Is there a parenting spicy tuna roll? All of these questions, and more, are not addressed on this podcast. Twitter! @bminusparents Instagram! @bminusparents Restroom Graffiti! @bminusparents

A guest appears! We proudly welcome minimalist parent and maximalist wine-haver Alyssa who, to be clear, is NOT in a cult. Champagne was had, volume levels were tested, and a proxy war was finally fought between Mickey East and Mickey West. For a definition of what "edging" means, ask your local library!

An episode that just makes you want to scream, self-injure, call in a credible threat to a federal agency, and start the village from The Wicker Man (original and remake). In an ironic twist, the show announcing our new schedule, and being about schedules themselves, is a day late. Whoops! Time to throw ourselves on the ground and shriek until the sky bleeds! Follow us @bminusparents @swiftymcqueen on twitter and instagram

A triumphant return to podcasting, Central Daylight Time, and boxed wine. The Parents reflect on a recent move, wondering exactly how nobody was murdered—that we know of. Things then take a turn for the political, as the kooky far-out concept of "women's rights" or "reproductive freedom" or whatever gets some much-needed love. Before it's machine-gunned down by judges, anyhow.

A deep dive into the taboos of parenthood. Raising kids while dealing with your own mental illness. Meeting and befriending other parents whose psyches have shattered in a compatible way. Kanye West, for some reason. Getting your kids to like good music. And it all ends on an extremely low and terrible note—several of them, to be precise. Find B-Minus Taylor on Twitter - @swiftymcqueen

An episode with a profanity count truly worthy of Samuel L. Jackson himself. This episode has it all: tips for flying with kids from seasoned pros; tips for negotiating with kids from slack-jawed dopes; several insults directed at the city of St. Louis; an anti-toy-buying allegory that makes the Grinch sound like F.A.O. Schwarz; and, back by popular demand, several coughing fits.

Humidity is nature's way of telling you that you've made a mistake. The B-Minus Parents report on Central Florida's premier mouse-based attraction, dismiss yet another round of holidays, go off on a RuPaul's Drag Race tangent for the eleventy trillionth time, and are apparently literate?

The Ghostbusters weren't afraid of no ghosts. Yoda told Luke that he should be afraid, and earlier, said that fear leads to anger, then to hate, then to suffering, and then he stopped being a puppet altogether. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but this episode is largely about fear.

Three children, two parents, one podcast, negative $70 in checking. Meet the B-Minus Parents. In this inaugural episode (be sure to get your totebags (please somebody make us totebags)), we discuss ourselves, screen time, control, and Samantha Bee's role in the Shadow Government (RIP JFK).