Trailing Rainbows

I never knew life could be this beautiful and full. It seems impossible in every way that I could be this happy in a world with you gone, but I am. Improbably, dangerously happy.

"...I have spent the last year curved in around the shards of my heart, my hands clenched around every memory and moment I had with you, afraid of losing what little I possess. It's time to straighten my shoulders, take a deep breath, and unclench my fists. Allow the fear to leave, so hope has a place to stay."

I wonder if the darkness of this past year will make the brightness in my future shine more than it would have otherwise. If having been through the valley makes the mountaintop that much better. Silver linings don't make the clouds disappear, they just help make them more palatable, right?

I can't wait to see you again. Only a few more weeks and we'll be traveling together. I haven't traveled with anyone in so long, and I'm not sure how I'll acclimate. I'll try not to be too selfish.

The aching emptiness where you should be has been decorated with flowers, words carved in the walls, each a memento of the time we had or should have had. It doesn't carry quite the sting it used to, and somehow I also don't feel guilty.

Someday I hope this kindness I'm treasuring up will be able to come back out of me and touch another life of another person who is struggling to make it through the day.

Actually, most of Philly will be tomorrow. I plan on checking out all the Revolutionary War spots, including where the Declaration of Independence was signed as well as the Liberty Bell, and, you know, all the cool history places in Philly.

But I feel like there's a giant clock ticking down to when I will need to go home and face whatever my life will look like when this is all over.

Celebrating her birthday is the last thing on Bo's mind as she undergoes a muddy hike, a slippery fall, and a trip to the hospital. Still, a hotel stay and a letter to her dad make everything better.

I cannot imagine anything more soul transforming than being in these enormous caves, listening to the world's largest musical instrument, and experiencing what really must be the most copacetic combination of nature and human ingenuity.

"It was one of the most rewarding things to read through the book and begin to see it with your eyes. The things that caught your heart and changed you in some small way..."

I know deep in my soul that the pains and griefs that led me through the silly boys I dated and the men who thought they could control me, were leading me to this and him.

Trying to find a balance between living and grief, Bo celebrates her Mom's first birthday since her death. A surprise visit from a friend makes the day one to remember.

"I will say, and it's a bit of a surprise to me, it's kind of nice to take a break from sightseeing, and just relax. I've finished two books in the last week and I'm almost done with a third."

Bonus Episode featuring Donovan and Darrah's letter to Phil when Bo came to visit them in June.

"...the sun rising over the ocean was a happy sight, the waves crashing and gulls crying, almost enough to make me close my eyes and dream of the Oregon coast. I have nothing bad to say about the Florida coast, other than that it wasn't the Oregon coast."

Maybe the bell above my grave wasn't clapper-less after all, because how else would I have met and befriended all the people I have in my travels? Maybe I just couldn't hear it ringing because of the six feet of earth between me and the open air.

With a new year before her and an old friend at her side, Bo begins to dream of a future where anything is possible, even being okay.

I've decided to stay here an extra week. I don't have a good reason for it, since Nova will have to work, but there's something in the movement of this town that calls to me.

It was ten minutes of kindness, but definitely more than I expected or had earned. I'm glad I met Alex. I don't suppose he has any idea how much those ten minutes touched my heart.

Bo and her dad celebrate Christmas in the Crescent City. "I know you don't want me to save you, but I hope you'll let me be here with you while you save yourself.”

New Orleans has the most vibrant feel to it. It somehow seems that there is more life and more death there than anywhere I've ever experienced. It's like the people have experienced a deeper pain and a greater joy and they're somehow brave enough to share it, to exude it.

Bo writes a poem and a letter to Jasper. "I wanted to tell you, too, about the day we met. I wasn't in a good place. Of course, you already know that. You know about Mom, and the desperate grief, and the waves."

What if fever dreams are just portents of the future? What if the muted colors and repeating themes are just an effort on the part of your mind to imprint what's important? Or are dreams just memories of things that never happened?

Question of the epside: Is it more respectful to remember people as they were after they're gone or to remember the good things about them?

Bo crashes a wedding in the Ozarks and digs for diamonds in Diamond Crater State Park. Meanwhile, yet more realizations of what her new life is begin to sink in. 

You left me with the ability to love and be loved, and I'll be forever grateful. And if none of them get to know you, I'll make sure you're remembered somehow. Not because you're dead, but because you lived. Because you shone with the light of a star, because I revolved around you like the solar system you absolutely deserved.

Bo calls a therapist, deciding it's her responsibility to work through her trauma. Her dad makes plans to join her in New Orleans.

Taking a detour in her trip, Bo is given the opportunity to help Hank and his mother find a safe place. Meanwhile, her dad plans to join her for a brief visit somewhere down the road.

After a terrifying nighttime fire, Bo finds herself in the place she least wants to be, surrounded by the sterile environment of a hospital, caring for a child. Gathering all her courage, Bo must give strength to others when her own is waning.

Eight days since Bo got up the courage to open Jasper's hexaflexagon, now he's on his uncle's boat, out of service. Determined to begin righting her wrongs, Bo writes a letter to her dad.

It feels like the last five months has been night, interspersed by the light of the stars. I've been moving forward, searching always for the slow fade of dawn, but it hasn't come. I know grief is this way, walking in darkness till you realize in a sudden moment that the sun's been shining all around you.

After one of the worst afternoons of her new life Bo finds the courage to take a closer look at the hexaflexagon Jasper gave her in Oregon, but the words inside aren't quite what she expected.

Oklahoma comes to have special meaning for Bo as she spends time with three of her cousins and explores two of the larger cities in the state.

Spending a few days in The Lone Star State, Bo has the opportunity to spend time with a childhood friend. Bringing up good memories of her earlier years, Bo is forced to realize she must let go of the future that will not be.

Bo runs into an old friend while traveling through New Mexico and is reminded of the importance of having people in your life. Meanwhile, the hexaflexagon from Jasper becomes a greater temptation.

Facing down the greatest fear since her mother's death, Bo must scrounge up what courage she has to face her own personal battle. But will the results leave her in a better place, or will they destroy the little strength she's mustered?

Sitting in her car, facing the border between Nebraska and Colorado, Bo must overcome the rift in her relationship with her dad, or choose to let go of the past altogether.

Trying to gain the courage necessary to return to Colorado, Bo explores Nebraska, enjoying Carhenge, Fort Kearny, and the Aerospace museum.

Bo meets a new friend who seems to understand her in a deeper way. Reminiscent of Donovan and Darrah, of Meg and Tom, this new friend brings light to some of the darkness in Bo's life.

Exploring North Dakota and the history of the tribes of the area, Bo is excited to meet Taluta, a local Lokota girl who teaches her about some of the integral parts of being a part of the tribes.

Encountering the historical beauty of Montana for the first time, Bo makes the attempt to reconnect with her father, pondering the effort certain people have made to show her she's not alone.

Surrounded by the awe inspiring wilderness of Yellowstone, Bo finds a peace she wasn't expecting and a roam down memory lane that helps her gain a grasp on her past.

Exploring the surprising contrasts of the Utah landscape, Bo comes to terms with her own selfishness in leaving home so quickly. Unsure how to make it right, she purposes to do what she can to be begin to come out of the grief that has overtaken her life.

Parked in Las Vegas for the night, Bo struggles to come to terms with the thought of the future that looms over her, while focusing as much as she can on the beauty of Nevada's desert.

Bo loses herself in the history of the canyon country of Idaho. A call from a close connection has the potential of showing her love still exists as a possibility for her life.

Washington and the Space Needle have an unexpected effect on Bo and her thoughts wander back to the Oregon coast and someone she met there.

Discovering the verdant beauty of Oregon, Bo finds a peaceful friendliness in the people. Maybe this could be a place to find rest when none has been afforded her elsewhere. 

Bo finds herself reminded of the good in the world when she spends a few days in California with her mother's college roommate, Darrah, and her husband Donovan. Enfolded in the love she's cut herself off from for so long, she allows herself to be comforted. But little does she know all the things they can learn whether she tells them or not.

I think maybe the Victorian grave I'm in is six feet underground, and the string tied around my finger is attached to a clapper-less bell, but maybe, just maybe... Someone is standing at another grave a few feet away, and maybe the swinging motion of my bell will catch their attention. Maybe they'll dig me up and find I'm alive though barely breathing.

Experiencing the heat and desert beauty of Arizona for the first time, Bo finds a new friend. But when she gets sick, alone in a strange place, who can help her heal not only from that, but from the pain in her heart?