Self Help Sucks

I have the pleasure of hanging out with the "Auto Lead King" of Canada, Steven Scott, and his video production manager, YouTube Whizz Kid Ethan Ashley. Both Steve and Ethan are top 1% performers and in addition to recording them at work I asked them the 2 questions I am trying to answer with this series of lectures: 1) Does Self Help work? 2) How can the average Joe or Jane employ the power of Self Help in order to become successful?

1) The key to success is a healthy self-image; 2) Self help without spirituality is defunct... THANK YOU, JOEY

Joey at Inverse Paranoid sent me a shout out and in my response to him I laid out what I want to be talking about next: 1) Humility vs. High Self Image

The reason that self help cannot be considered an "ultimate" bastion in your life is that it cannot answer the question of how you can be happy. Not to mention any of the other "big questions" that give your life meaning and purpose and which provide you with a sense of fulfillment and accomplishment

Were serial killers born or made? What about people like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Elon Musk and Gary Vee? The average person looks on in awe as these God-like figures traverse the landscapes of our collective consciousness: why do some people seem to have it all? Moreover, can the average schmuck like you and me become like them? What exactly does that take? There are no end of talented, hard-working and intelligent people in the world. Why do so few succeed then? What is success? Is it being "happy" and if so, what does that mean? These are some of the question that I have been discussed in these series of talks which I have entitled "Self Help Sucks". The title of the podcast is, of course, a marketing move just like the title of this very episode Herein I offer a brief interlude while I gather my thoughts in order to plunge ahead into the unknown. To answer, once and for all, what it is exactly that separates "super beings" from people such as myself and yourself Thank you for reading and listening!

So I am sitting here waiting for my (bEaUtiFuL) Ukrainian Tutor to join my whereby.com meeting and I thought it would look #cool if I was talking into my phone (unlike the failed marketing consultant I am and may always never be)

I often ask my atheist friends whether they are spiritual and, regardless of the answer, I believe that many of them are. Like many people, I believe that spirituality is more important than being religious and, I posit, more real than "self help". The self help genre has spawned millions of books, CDs, courses, workshops, gurus and God knows what else over the last 150 years but does it work? Do you know anyone who has transformed their lives by reading a book? Can self help answer basic questions like, "how can I be happy?" It cannot but spirituality can

Nietzsche talked about "will to power" as being the primary driving force of the human psyche. While most of what the man wrote and spoke of is way above my level of understanding I have never quite understood or accepted this principle of his. Until recently, that is. Don Juan used to advise Castaneda that the principles he was teaching him would remain dry theoretical constructs until he, Castaneda, experienced them for himself. This is how I feel about "will to power". I had decided that man's desire for meaning was the preeminent factor in his inner life. Nietzsche himself talks about this when he says, "if you have a why you can deal with any what." That is to say, if there is a reason for your suffering then you can accept that suffering. However, the great sage was unrelenting in his assertion that "will to power" - whatever that means - is the key to the whole thing at the end of the day

The perennial promise of Self Help is that anyone can become a "suberbeing". Just like Steve Jobs, Elon Musk, Larry Ellison or [insert your hero or heroine here!] you too can become an excellent version of yourself and accomplish amazing things. Deep down inside we all believe this is true, that we are special and capable of accomplishing great things. Unfortunately, however, most of us live drab lives of mediocrity overshadowed by the debris of broken dreams and lost hopes. If that is putting it too harshly then at least most of us have not been able to live up to the promise of Self Help insasmuch as becoming the best version of ourselves possible This episode revisits the key question of whether super-successful people are born with certain traits that predispose them to achieving the phenomenal success that they do during their lives. Are some people just meant to succeed? Certainly, when we study the early years of many successful people we find in them qualities and characteristics that seem to destine them for their later success. Don't we all know children who are gifted or talented in some way or at the very least single-minded about what they want to achieve in life? Some youngsters seem to embody traits that speak of future success while others struggle mightily just to fit in Serial killers are often those who have been driven by sadistic and destructive tendencies from a very young age. Many were abused or neglected or came from otherwise dysfunctional homes. Others seemed to have had an innately cruel streak from a very young age and would revel in fantasies about inflicting pain and suffering on others. Many acted out their demons by torturing and killing animals before eventually moving on to human prey many years later. The question, again, is: were these people disposed to become serial killers? Was it something ingrained in their nature that caused them to go down the horrific path they chose in life? At the end of the day there is a case to be made for the supremacy of the human spirit and will. No matter what the circumstances, people in every age have risen above the most severe hardships and setbacks in order to overcome and succeed. An extreme example of this was illustrated in the Nazi concentration camps of World War II. Psychologist Victor Frankl who later rose to fame through his acclaimed book, "Man's Search for Meaning" described how most prisoners succumbed to the day-to-day deprivations and brutality of camp life. Their spirits would be broken and they would become a shell of their former selves. However, a handful of prisoners rose above these most depressing of conditions and became saintlike figures who would share their rations and tend to the sick. These holy personages were ultimate examples of the power of mind over matter If it is possible for one, therefore, it is possible for anyone. Another great example of the power of ordinary people to transform themselves into extraordinary people is the Amway multilevel marketing program. Thousands of people from all backgrounds and walks of life have transformed themselves into successful leaders and multi-millionaires and this is something I have seen with my own eyes over the course of years of being involved with and studying the Amway phenomena. Nowhere else have I encountered a program where it seems that anyone from a restaurant server to a retail worker to a corporate employee can literally change their whole lives and achieve such phenomenal levels of success. Again, just like Amway leaders always preach, "If we can do it, you can do it!" The question then becomes, if we really can change then what is the key principle of Self Help in order to lift ourselves out of our present condition and create a brand new life of success for ourselves? That is what I begin to explore in this episode

Erich Fromm talks about "being", "doing" and "having" and self help generally glosses over the most important of these. We are sold on the idea of becoming the best version of ourselves: superbeings. We are told that once we have mastered the art of being then we can have and achieve whatever we want in life. What is missed out in this equation is that the only thing we really have in our power which is what we do Self help sells us on the idea that we can somehow flick a switch in our minds - or something like that - and magically become different people. If you learn to think like rich people you will become rich. If you can eradicate the weaknesses and faults in your personality then you will suddenly become a new person and the best version of you. We are sold this Kool Aid as if self improvement were nothing more than a surgical process where all you have to do is change your personality defects and lo, and behold! You will arise from the ashes of your "old" you as a brand new super-you The kind of self help that really works on the other hand is by necessity of a spiritual nature. This is because real self improvement and transformation requires that we do something that most self help books and gurus never mention: you have to do and be the best you can each and every moment you are aware. The focus should not be about being and doing what "successful" people do but being and doing what you know to be right. Like I say in this episode, success is not something you pursue but something you attract by virtue of who you become The late great Stephen Covey talked about the difference between what he called the "Personality Ethic" versus the "Character Ethic." He said pretty much the same thing that I am try to convey here. Self help generally focuses on your personality and superficial fixes that are meant to create success without the hard work of character building. You are told to make eye contact and repeat people's names in conversations and always have a firm handshake and things like that. On the other hand, true success comes from building your character one moment and thought and action at a time The key to whole thing is that if you focus specifically and relentlessly on doing the right thing and representing the best version of yourself at every point in time then everything else falls into place. You will feel good about yourself and you will automatically become the best version of yourself and yes, a super-you too. The problem is that we don't like being told to be good and do good. We want to be successful and do and have amazing things. Our focus is on the outward aspects of success and we feel that we can somehow engineer the best version of ourselves without being true to ourselves and focused on doing the right thing always

It is true. Self help is focused (mostly) on external success and, at best, brushes over the fundamental character changes that are necessary in order to become truly successful and happy. Self help gurus talk about "thinking like rich people" and visualizing every manner of external achievement in the greatest of detail. While none of this is bad in-and-of itself it ignores the fact that success begins and ends within you For the most part, self help ignores the moral side of self development. Very few self help gurus talk about things like honesty, patience and forgiveness (they do in Amway!). Focusing just on externalities is a losing game. Even if you achieve everything you ever wanted to you will be left dreading the day that things change for the worse or you lose some of what you have amassed for yourself You should appreciate good and beautiful things in life and should, as Don Juan would say, "Surround yourself with that which makes you happy." However, there is more to life than having and this is something very few self help gurus dwell on. The 60s social scientist and thinker Erich Fromm described humans as "being, doing and having" which is a far richer approach to life than the shallow self help aim of (just) "having"

I haven't spent too much time talking about material success or "externalities" in my analysis of success so far. That is because material success is a given component of overall success. However, any kind of success begins and ends within you. You have an idea or an ideal or a dream or a goal or vision. You take steps to define and then achieve you goal. You succeed. You are happy Looking within, I have asked the question: what is the ultimate inner goal of the human experience? What is it that we need the most from a mental - and I daresay, a spiritual - perspective? Is it happiness? Love? Ultimate experience? Or, as Friedrich Nietzsche implied, meaning. That is to say, if you can answer the question, "Why is this happening?" then you will always be happy I posit that there is something beyond meaning which is how I conclude my search of an ultimate definition of "success" in this episode. That something exists within all of us and it nothing more than the deep feeling that everything is not only okay but perfect and beautiful and that we can overcome any obstacle or challenge. Some call it "faith" and it is the cornerstone for the achievement of any level of success

You may not even realize it but you are looking for "the answer" (I am, at least). It is built in your very being, the knowledge that there is some vital piece of information or wisdom that will change everything. That is what Self Help sells us, the notion that we can somehow flick a switch inside of and become a superbeing like a Tony Robbins or a Gary Vaynerchuk. All in a weekend!! It is the same line we are fed by spiritual gurus who talk about instant "life transformations" or reaching "enlightenment" where our suffering ceases and we perceive reality as it really is. Or material thinking where we live out the daily grind of our lives thinking in the back of our minds that one day everything will change. We will win the lottery. Or meet the right person / opportunity. Or cash in on some big investment or idea The thought that we can instantly transform our lives seems to be embedded in our very being. Is it possible? From a spiritual perspective, yes. Let go of the "I" and you are there. Or, from a secular perspective, lose yourself in something, an experience, a person, a passion and suddenly all your problems cease to exist. Presto! Instant transformation. The question is, how to maintain this sublime state and does it lead to a life of "success"?

Alexander the Great believed he was the son of God which is why he accomplished superhuman feats (so the story goes). Apparently he sat down and wept when he had conquered the whole of the known world because there were no more countries left to conquer. Along the way he met an Indian guru who imparts the essence of ancient wisdom to him It is important to define success because if nothing else, you may be aiming at the wrong thing(s) in life if you do not know what really drives you. Most intelligent people will agree that there is more to life than wealth, power and material accoutrements. On the other hand, it is not enough to sit there like the wise old guru and do absolutely nothing unless you really do have the "answer" and people benefit through your wisdom The key to the thing would seem to be a balance between inner and outer success. You need to live a life of purpose inasmuch as being of value to others and society as a whole. At the same time, you have to follow your own heart. You may say, "Well, just get on with it! Set goals, do what is right and create balance in all areas of your life." Well, if it is that easy, have you accomplished this for yourself? I have not

The proof seems to be in the pudding in that "normal" people like yourself and myself can become superbeings like Gary Vee, Elon Musk or Tony Robbins. Most super-successful people did, after all, start of being average if not completely broke Multilevel Marketing businesses provide more examples in the tens of thousands of moms, dads and others of every race and background who went from "normal" to multi-millionaires living the ultimate lifestyle (at least outwardly) Is it that these people really went from being like myself and yourself and transformed themselves into new "super" people? Or did they always possess the central characteristic that is required of all people that succeed, namely a burning desire to succeed that eventually overcomes all odds and does just that? I feel like I should talk more about my experience in multilevel marketing businesses (MLMs) where I witnessed 100s if not 1000s of individuals who claim to have completely transformed who they were on the path to super-success For now, the question still remains: is the promise of a "super" you real? Can absolutely anyone become super-successful and a superbeing?

On the one hand, most people will agree that there is an essential "me" inside of them who has always been the same. However, would you not agree that you are a different person than you were 10 years ago? It often seems like super-successful people like Steve Jobs and Bill Gates and Elon Musk and Gary Vaynerchuck are "different" from the rest of us. When you read and learn about them it sometimes appear that they have always had the key attributes and qualities that led to their success, even when they were kids. Gary Vee used to cycle around the neighbourhood as a kid managing lemonade stands he had talked friends into running for him. Does that not sound like a born-to-be entrepreneur? The question is, is it possible for your average Joe or Mary to attain to create amazing success for themselves by somehow integrating these success qualities into their own personality and dynamic? Most of us are lazy. We are not as driven as super-successful people. We are more confused about what we want in life. We do not have a clear picture of who we want to be or even are. We do not do thing that we know we should. Is it possible then, to somehow change all of that and become successful? The proof is in the pudding and if people like Sam Ovens and Jeremey Schoemaker or Tai Lopez can go from being fat and lazy "losers" to super-successful then why not you or I?

When you talk about changing your "self" you are talking about changing something that transcends time, space and material limitations. How can you change your soul or spirit? How can you ever change who you are as a person? Your essence? On the other hand, your likes and dislikes and personality does and can change over time! Every atom in your body changes every 6-12 months and if you compare yourself to who you were 10 years ago you might even say that EVERYTHiNG about you has changed Is the thing that you call "me" or "I" simply just a mental construct? In that case, does it even really exist or are you simply a bunch of mental words and labels? Whatever you are, is it possible to change what you are in order to enhance your experience? How do you go about becoming a "better" you?

The problem with self help is that you are focused on "self". If you are focused on "self" you are bound to suffer. The way to live is to lose yourself in EXPERIENCE. That means finding things that you lose yourself and focusing (just) on those things. Building your life around those things. Not worrying about money or fame or success or even that thing called "happiness".