AnnodRight: The Blog

Therapy without politics sounds a lot like polite conversation, as my friend Dr. Lexx would say. You don’t go to therapy to just feel good for a moment, you go to therapy to heal from a lifetime of hurts with skills to continue on with.

We are talking about Wish dating--where you have a wish list of romantic wants and you try to make someone fit that

How does the idea of walking on eggshells, feeling paranoid, and taking forever to make a decision sound like to you? Exactly, sounds like anxiety!! To be successful, creative, innovative or anything more than average, you need to make room for error.

Between my clients, friends, and followers I’ve realized that there are a lot of folk out there who don’t know much about masturbation or are still carrying the terrorizing lies they heard from way back when. But hey, it’s okay to admit you don’t know a whole lot about it or that you have some questions. What better time to answer them than National Masturbation Month?!

Relationships are hard enough without a pandemic, yet here we are in the midst of COVID. Some of you are sheltering in place with your partner and some of you are sheltering in place without your partner(s). While you may feel one scenario is better than the other, I'm here to tell you neither one of them are all that rosy.

I hear the same thing with my single clients. They are using up all those vacation days because they’re frustrated about various things going on in their lives. They’re tired of being alone in the house, they’re having problems with some of their friends so their first thought is, "You know what? I just have wanderlust. I just need to go on a vacation."

In this episode a couple of things were mentioned including a podcast episode where I speak more about orgasms and some resources, too! Here they are:1. Kings of the Heart Episode 1: The Orgasm Gap2. Dr. O’s Sex Therapy Toolbox3. Get on my schedule!

I really wanted to talk about something that I feel is a pandemic that needs to stop. It's something that bothers me, hurts me, and makes me wonder what kind of work I and other sex therapist out here in these streets doing if this is occuring. I'm talking about...hold your breath, faking orgasms.

Oftentimes, whether or not we want to have it this way or even if we think it's silly, we get a lot of our ideas from TV. We form our thoughts about our ideal relationship from the various places that we see relationships happen, including the media.

I emanation buying some Valentine’s Day goodies from Askgoody.com/shop. Why did I choose them out of ALL the spaces available to buy great toys? I chose them because they are Black Owned and Goody is a whole sex educator! So yeah, this Black History month (and all year) I am supporting Black owned businesses.

 Last week while I was in the therapy office I said something out my mouth that didn't make no daggone sense when I said it but made perfect freaking sense as I explained it. I told someone to act like their clitoris. To channel their clitoris and to live that life. I know y'all are probably reading this with a side eye but it was actually in the context of what Black folk, especially Black women do all the time, work to produce.

Have you ever been going through something mentally or emotionally and felt like you should be able to get over it in a couple of days? You told yourself that healing shouldn’t take long, so you’re confused when you’re still upset weeks later.

I mean you are making monetary goals and every other goal you can think of, telling yourself you are going to start working towards them come Jan 1 because you feel hope and a sense of urgency, but then you feel overwhelmed and done. You started with desire, hope, and happiness, and now you're feeling discouraged, overwhelmed, and overworked. So, let's talk about how you stay on track with your 2020 goals.

Source: https://www.singleblackmale.org/2014/05/09/8-things-black-women-hate-called/black-woman-short-hair-upset-2/ Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, they’re all around the corner. So, I have to ask, are you ready to deal with your family? We all know how it is when you go home, all your family is there, that auntie, your uncles, some of them you love and some of them you're not even sure you like. And while everybody is hanging out waiting for grandma to finish cooking dinner, they get to asking dumb questions. I mean all kinds of things like:"Did you lose weight?” “Oh you look little more hefty, you been eating good?”Then comes the one that you’ve really, really been dreading...."How come you ain't got no boyfriend" or "You still don’t have a special girl?"“Why ain't you married yet?” “Where my grandbabies?”Those are some of the most disrespectful questions that you'll get over this holiday season, mostly because your relatives have failed to MIND THEIR BUSINESS! They don’t know that there are therapeutic benefits (you can read about them here!) Being single over the holidays can be really rough because of various things, specifically having family members ask about why you don't have somebody special in your life. It can feel like it's a personal failure on your part because you didn’t do what your family has expected you to do and get knocked up or at least start your journey by dating someone. I mean let’s be honest, aren’t all these questions founded on the fact that your family want some little ones running around? And while I can respect that they want something so special, you still have a whole life to live that should not be revolving around whether you're going to disappoint your family for the holidays. At the end of the day, your being single has nothing to do with your self worth. It's just a part of where you are in life.So, if you’re not in the mood to share your life or feel like you need to explain yourself here is your guide on how to deal with your family asking dumb ass questions, especially about your singledom over the holidays. (Yes, I said singledom!)Now there have been many solutions out there, one of my favorites has been seeing people put up those ads for fake boyfriends and girlfriends. You know the one, I’m talking about - where they offer to be your girlfriend/boyfriend for a couple hours in exchange for some of grandma’s collard greens and sweet potato pie! And that is certainly one way to go, I have to give it to them, it is innovative. But ya’ll should know by now I'm all about telling the truth wherever and whenever possible. So, you can tell your relatives that your therapist (which is me today) said to mind they business and that you can't be with nobody right now. BOOM!Another way to deal, other than having a fake partner or having a fake therapist is to tell your family that you're not allowed to be with nobody. If you have a religious bunch why don't you go ahead and tell them that you are married to the Lord. Tell them that the Lord said He will provide when the time is right, your earthly husband or earthly wife or earthly person. What they gonna say? Isn't it blasphemous if they try to say something like "well the Lord need to hurry up?" Though, I have been known to say that line a time or two myself, but I ain’t got no couth. And as you tell them, be sure to ask them kindly to pass you the ham at the same time! In all seriousness, if you feel like you have the type of family that will carry on about what accomplishments you don't have, comparing you, or otherwise making you feel less-than about your life like including not having a partner at the holidays, you need not spend your time with them. This is part of self care, spending time in ways that benefit you, not in ways that harm you.You can go to a friends house for Thanksgiving and enjoy the pie over there, or even make yourself a lil somethin’ somethin’ at home.You can try redirecting the conversation, or letting folk know that the link of questioning makes you uncomfortable and to please stop.Or just pick up and leave when things get beyond you tolerance level, don’t forget to grab some pieHowever, I believe in the power of setting expectations prior to arriving. So if you do decide to visit your family, let people know that you will not be answering any questions about X, Y, or Z and you don't want to hear about it or talk about it. If you’re not quite ready to set expectations, you can always studiously ignore them! Whichever way you want to go for the holidays just remember that your being single is not a character defect or character flaw. You are in the space you are in because of whatever choices you have made or the choices that other people have made. You've chosen that you want something better for yourself, someone better than whoever you might have been with a couple months, weeks, or days ago. They didn't belong in your life and they certainly don't belong around your Thanksgiving table. So, rock out, start the holidays, end this year, and start the new year thinking about you and your needs leaving the door open for all the best for you. And your family...they can just wait the same way that you are, they ain’t got grandkids money anyway! On Instagram I asked for some asshole ways to answer the “Why are you still single question?” Here are the top 3:Why are you still married to you cheating ass husbandDick too big (shrug emoji)I don’t know grandma, why do you still vote for trump and want me dead?What are yours?!

I am constantly reminding my people that they are enough! I remind them that there is nothing they can do to prove their worth and they shouldn’t feel like they need to. When you start trying to prove your value and worth you’ll find yourself doing instead of being. 

When  working with Black and Brown clients I like to use Biggie and Tupac as a part of my communication explanation. I often ask “did you have a Tupac conversation or a Biggie conversation?” Now I'm talking about either one of their lyrical genius, and I'm not talking about their body of music. I'm talking about how people FOREVER, even to this day, swear that Tupac is not dead. But nobody questions that for Biggie.

Some of what was mentioned in the podcast:Get your copy of Cocoa Butter & Hair Grease: A Self Love Journey Through Hair and SkinCheck out the Diversity IN Parenting Conference, which will be back next September 2020

 For those of you who don't know the CROWN Act is also known as Creating a Respectful and Open Workplace for Natural Hair Act. What I love about this act is that local government is actually taking steps to make sure there is inclusion, pride, and choice in the workplace. They’re making sure (well, trying) Black folk can remain Black folk even in places of business.

All my melanin sisters are walking around with a new glow and confidence because they received external validation through a song, and I can’t help but wonder why Beyonce needed to say Brown skin girls are beautiful and worthy for them to believe it!

In this one we talk about a workbook to work through the narratives relates to colorism and texturism. It’s called Cocoa Butter and Hair Grease: a self love journey through hair and skin.

There are a few folk mentioned in here as to where you can learn a little more and even find a therapist for yourself. You can google them, or tap the organization and find your therapist today!1. Melanin & Mental Health2. Health in Her Hue3. Therapy of Black Girls4. Therapy for Black Men

To keep it simple, spectatoring takes you out of enjoying the moment or moments (if your partner knows what they’re doing) and instead of enjoying the sex for what it is, you are worried about what your body and hair looks like to your partner. It can be described as an out of body experience, you’re aware of what’s going on but, distracted and can’t focus.

Guest blogger Candace Clarke of Kandeaux, joins AnnodRight to share her wisdom with us! In this blog, she speaks about food, sex and wellness as a way to fend of depression. Candace is a food Agri-vist (Agricultural Activist) speaking about the nature of the food we grow and consume and how it is often used as a way to continue to oppress people of color. Learn more about Candace and the work she does at Kandeaux.com

#Message! I mentioned Therapy For Black Girls in this episode, so go on over check it out and leave a message for your future therapist!

As spoken about in the blog, Get your #RelationshipGoals Guide right here, for FREE!!

We are talking about color in this episode. Specifically folk who are trying to pass for being racially ambiguous and those who are trying to erase some of the blackness. But more than that, it's about assessing whose fault it all is..since folk have been passing the baton.

Subscribing for the blog has never been so easy: Just click here Subscribe to blog here!You can also get the new Black Sexuality Matters Sweatshirt! Available on Annodright.com/merchandise

Over the last two weeks, there has seemingly been a theme among my clients and friends. It seems that folk are ready to break up. But of course, there are lots of barriers in the way to doing it right, because people are usually scared of the process. For those who don’t know, breaking up does NOT mean ghosting, hitting someone with the slow fade, making them mad enough to break up with you, or talking about how you need time to grow and that one day you might come back. When we break up, we do it right, we do it clean, and don’t leave false hope, or tarnish our character in the process.

Feeling like reading or commenting? Do IT! Here is the link!

Wanna learn more about our guest blogger?1. Jaynay C. Johnson’s website is called TEENTALK2. Here is the link to purchase the books called Dear Teen Self and My Dear Teen Self3. If feel ready to have the conversation with your teen (or children) about sex and sexuality, here is the link to Sex Talk: Parent Edition, the webinar. Take your time watching it and then implement!

With cuffing season seems to come both expectations and miscommunication. So this episode focuses on fixing those communication errors before they get in the way of the season

Join me as we explore Serena Williams' attire as a response to the French at the US Open. We have some work to do on ourselves, and this is a good place to start.

So several things were said in this one!1. learn more about Mercedes Samudio2. Get a copy of Shame Proof Parenting3. Subscribe to the blog!

As always you can check out Dr. O’s Sex Toolkit and find all kinds of goodies.If you want to get on my schedule you can do that here!To hire me for speaking engagements including but not limited to keynotes, workshops, and trainings, you can click here to email me!

Several things were mentioned here including a book and a webinar. Both can be accessed with the links below :)1. Michelle Hope is the author of A Girls Gide to Sex Education which is the awesome book reviewed in this blog post!2. Sex Talk: Parent Edition is a webinar for parents and caregivers to help along that journey of speaking to the kiddos about sex and sexuality. It can be hard, but I’ve got your back. Take $20 off with the code STPE20183. Nope, I didn’t forget about the boys, I will be on the look out for a book that speaks to boys the same way this one is supposed to speak to girls.

1. If you are looking for the last past called Do You Even Love You? Then you can find that here!2. Want to get on my schedule? Here is your chance! Relationship coaching and therapy is only a few clicks away!3. Want some free advice more often? Check me out on Instagram. I go LIVE every Tuesday around 9:30pm to talk more about…well…sex and relationships in Sex Talk After Dark.4. Subscribe to the blog!

A few things were mentioned in this week’s blog post. So here are the link for you folk who aren’t on Annodright.com1. AnnodRight Instagram Feel free to follow me here. I post all kinds of goodies throughout the week :)2. A gratitude jar is a jar you would use to put in notes to yourself about things you are grateful for throughout the week. I started mine in January and take time around December to read the notes to myself so I can reflect back on the year and plan for the next year. Yes, I will be doing a class on it and goal planning for your mental health. You can sign up for email notifications here, and no I won’t spam you, I’m not into that. 3. Books books and more books! You can probably tell I read a lot. In this I mention affirmation books, and an All About Me book. Both can be found on the Annodright Amazon page (yes I get a little kickback, but can a girl get a dollar?) 4. Looking for a therapist? Here is the link to get on my schedule (hurry, spaces are fulling up fast and I will soon have a waiting list for the stragglers).Looking for someone closer to home? No Problem! There is a whole directory out there for you called Therapy For Black GirlsIf you feel some type of way about this blog post, please Kindly check in with you before you come for me. But feel free to send an email or comment in the comment section of the blog on Annodright.comSee you next week!

Here are some of the links for things mentioned in the episode…or that should have been.1. Erin Tillman The Dating Advice Girl, is an inclusive Dating Coach and Certified NLP Practitioner dedicated to empowering ALL SINGLES IN ALL LIFESTYLES to have happy, healthy, and enjoyable dating lives that best suit their dating & relationship wants, needs, and objectives. She is also the fabulous author of The Consent Guidebook, which I reviewed last week. If you want to check out that audioblog, click here.2. Want to get on Dr. Oriowo’s schedule but aren’t sure if you’d fit for therapy or coaching? Get on the calendar for a 30 minute consult call (the cost is applied to your first session!)3. Subscribe to blog here!

Several things were mentioned in this episode. Let’s break them down one by one, shall we?1. You can subscribe to the blog here which is step one in being able to WIN and FREE copy of the Consent Guidebook by Erin Tillman!2. You can give your comment here, which is the last step you need for your chance to be entered to win!3. If you found yourself interested in the keynote White Unless Otherwise Specified Colorblind Sexuality In a World Of Living Color, you can watch it by clicking the title (don’t worry, it is free)4. Hate contests and just want to purchase your copy of the consent guidebook? You can purchase it here in the “Turn the Page Review” section of the Annodright Amazon affiliate page (it doesn’t cost you extra, but helps to fund what I do here).

It is #minoritymentalhealthmonth!…Politics of respectability is a phrase that was coined by Evelyn Higgenbotham in 1993. The idea here, is that one monitors and presents oneself in an acceptable, pure, chaste, respectable, albeit Eurocentric, way.

The episode explores the dentition and ways to mind your business as an exercise in reflection.

Vanessa of VagEsteem talks about how deadly toxic masculinity is and gives some suggestions on how men can do their part.

In this audioblog we explore the ins and outs of communicating our sexpectations with those around us!

This audio blog reviews Zora Neale Hurston's Barracoon. We are talking about balance in this one.

In this we talk about how we can make someone in to the angel or the devil when we think back on our time with them, and how that holds us back from healing and moving on

In this episode I drop a name. Dr. Ajita Robinson, grief specialist, counselor, and owner of Friends In Transition. Find out more about her at ajitarobinson.com

Check out this guest blog by LaDawn Lanier. This one talks about feeling sexy after giving birth.

Take a listen to this episode which reviews the book: Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Adeyemi. We learn about what it means to be an introvert and circumventing mild book anxiety.

I have been of the mind that Black women are (secretly?) the most feared “minority” population. I say this because when Black women speak, and stand in their truth, everyone is implicated; white people and PoC alike. There seems to be a vested interest in silencing the stories of Black women because in those stories, who is free from blame? READ MORE!

A clean house can be transformative to life. Not seeing clutter in our living areas can give us a whole new perspective of our homes. By creating super-easy habits, we can take away a lot of the stress that mess creates. Click to keep reading!

Here is a little disclosure about me, I don’t generally like autobiographies. I find that they can be terribly dull and full of pomp. I know I read The Last Black Unicorn by Tiffany Haddish, but if you’ll remember, I also said that the writing left much to be desired. But Gabrielle Union's book We're Going to Need More Wine: Stories That Are Funny, Complicated, and Are True was a delight to read! It was finished before I was. Within this book, there were so many nuggets can could be the area of focus. We could talk about how we pretend to be something/someone we are not so that we can fit into various groups. We could also talk about what can happen to a relationship when our significant others' family doesn't like us. We can talk about the impacts of sexual assault, being with the wrong person, or finding the right person. But what I want to talk about is the process by which Gabrielle Union, not only created a wholly new unit with her husband, Dwayne Wade, but also what her experience in Blackness confirms and re-teaches us. READ MORE