PSYCHe Says

Are you viewing your child (or yourself?!) from a "what is right" or "what is wrong" perspective? Although identifying potential barriers to emotional and psychological growth is important, ironically, it can get in the way and lead to significant damage to a child's self-esteem. Of course, this is the opposite of what parents are trying to do, but many are unaware of how they contribute to the problem. Dr. Vaughn and Sally discuss the importance of challenging negative beliefs about children and teens in the process of getting them the help that they need. Asking, "how might this behavior be viewed by someone else as a positive trait" is one way that caregivers can begin to move towards validation. They need to first change how they see their child so the child can change how they see themselves. Improving behavior and self-esteem requires that we look for "the nugget of gold in the cup of sand." For example, seeing a child as "easygoing" rather than "lazy" or as "optimistic" instead of "unreasonable" helps avoid "throwing out the baby with the bathwater" when it comes to assessing a child's personality development and self-concept. Not to mention that you can certainly use these tips for yourself as an adult. Just sayin. PS: The gold is there. We promise.

People wear clothes for a reason. We have the right to cover up so we feel comfortable and we cover out of courtesy what may be disturbing or disrespectful to others . The same goes for thoughts and emotions. If you want to be in a relationship, like it or not, there is an obligation to cover, or at least put a filter on, some of the garbage that the mind produces. The latest pop psychology trend of being "authentically you" is great for those who have difficulty opening up...AND it can definitely go too far. While it's important to get real with people you are close to, you can't just go around airing how you feel to everyone, and there is NO relationship in which sharing EVERYTHING (i.e. "stream of consciousness") is recommended if you are expecting to keep the relationship long-term. There's a reason we have a choice in whether or not to speak.. We know that feelings, thoughts, and urges come and go, but spoken words have a tendency to hang around in the mind of the listener. Considering what your INTENTION is prior to sharing can make a huge difference. When you consider your intention and ask, "what am I trying to bring about by saying this?" or "what am I hoping the effect of my saying this will be?," you are better able to make an informed decision. Consider the likely effect of what you have and to say and whether that is something you want. It's simple, but not easy to do when the moment is heated. We have a natural tendency to want to be "transparent" when emotions are high as a way ofI"getting it off my chest." It may feel good temporarily, but It's not always best for the relationship. Recognizing and respecting the comfort zone of the other person (within limits) is part of the process of being in relationships. Taking it too far in either direction is where things can go awry.

In case you needed official permission, you actually aren't required to share your relationship (or other) decisions, even if it directly impacts a person you care about. Sometimes, it can even get in the way of the effectiveness of your objective. Telling someone you are going to pull back from the relationship may or may not have the intended effect you are after. Asking yourself, "what is my intention [or intentions]," is one of the best questions to help determine whether you can ACTUALLY bring about the result you are after...you may even discover hidden intentions in yourself that you realize you need to let go of because they don't match your values. Better to find out than to operate on auto-pilot!

When should you ignore a behavior and when should you address it? What if you don't want to reinforce it? Won't paying attention to it make it worse? In this episode, Sarah and Dr. Vaughn talk about situations when the "elephant in the room" goes unaddressed and it leads to problems such as worsening of behavior or relationship damage.. In what world can you just ignore an obvious problem? In "The Twilight Zone," of course!

Sometimes, you've gotta draw the line. In this episode, Dr. Vaughn and Sally discuss THE ULTIMATUM and challenge the negative reputation it carries in the world of relationships and communication. The fact is, some boundaries aren't flexible, and sharing what those are within a relationship is at times necessary. Drawing a line in the sand and communicating the resulting outcome allows both parties to make a choice--.one decides whether to cross the line and the other decides the follow-up. This acknowledges the free will of both participants as they are both free to choose their consequences by their actions. Without ultimatums, the line in the sand is never drawn and resentment grows. The offended party feels bound by the choices of the other. Ultimatums create a context of respecting the free will and power of each individual to control their own fate.

If you have difficulty tolerating anyone being upset with you and find yourself working hard to keep others liking you, you may be engaging in controlling behavior. In short, other people have the right to feel absolutely any way that they do. Although they are not permitted to BEHAVE any way they want, they can FEEL any way they want. When you make repeated attempts to change the way that others feel, you can end up feeling stressed out and resentful. Remember, other people have the right to be wrong!

Communication in relationships is more about process than content. The specifics of what the conflict is about is never the real issue...it's how you talk to one another that makes a difference. In this episode, Dr. Vaughn explains a communication technique in which the speaker highlights what is occurring for them in the moment thereby giving the listener enough information to correct erroneous interpretations or to make a different behavior choice.

Not to freak anyone out or anything, but it’s not just Alzheimer’s you’ve got to worry about if you’re concerned about the effects of aging on your brain. Although Alzheimer’s type is the most common form of dementia, and the most familiar to the layperson, there are other reasons why a person of a certain age might be experiencing symptoms such as memory loss, word-finding difficulties, and/or personality and mood changes.

It’s not an “all or nothing.” Identifying your top priorities and taking calculated risks is essential in order to manage anxiety while still having a life during the pandemic.

Dr. Vaughn and Sarah share how they cope during quarantine.

Psychological testing is a wonderful tool but it isn’t without flaws. Yes, just about anything can be addressed using psychological testing, but it doesn’t mean everything SHOULD be. Psychological testing isn’t a tarot card reading or a medical lab test. It doesn’t always provide the clear-cut answers people expect.

Dr. Katie Spirko and Dr. Stephanie Vaughn discuss the differences between a Neuropsychologist and a Psychologist.

To reiterate, validation is a skill that can be used for a variety of reasons—to deescalate emotions, to improve relationships, to increase trust and confidence, and to be the spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine of change go down. According to Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), there are 6 levels of validation. The higher the level, the deeper the validation. That being said, it’s important to validate from all 6 levels or you just come off as weird. Here’s an explanation and example of each:

Reconciliation is not for the faint of heart. This podcast validates the difficulty in forgiving and offers advice to those who wish to do so.

There are multiple reasons to validate. Yeah, one reason is to make to the other person feel better, but there are several other options as to why you might want to do it even when you don’t feel like it. Here are a few that might help you stomach the idea a little easier :

Validation is a skill. I don’t care what that one angry lady from Vermont said at my DBT presentation a few years ago, validation is NOT “a way of life.” It is a skill we can use or not. Quick review on what validation is: Validation is a communication strategy that involves a stubborn refusal to communicate with another person in a way that leads to them feeling crazy, fragile, stupid, wrong, or bad.

“Helping” someone involves doing (or not doing) something which improves the final outcome of a problem for another person. “Enabling” is any behavior that looks like help on the surface, but actually makes the problem worse in the long term.

Somehow, someway, the majority of people have coped with crises and bad feelings for centuries without essential oils, guided imagery, or inner childwork. They didn’t call a friend for support, cry on the shoulder of a loved one, or read self-help books on vulnerability. They did not just cope, but EFFECTIVELY and SKILLFULLY coped. They did not destroy relationships, start a new addiction, harm themselves or someone else, give up and wither away, or otherwise make the problem worse. I’m talking about people who may or may not be in therapy.

The holidays are a great thing AND they can be rough as hell. If that is confusing to you, just skip this blog…and thank your lucky stars for your current life circumstances. For the rest of us, there can be a love/hate relationship with “the most wonderful time of the year.” There are multiple reasons for that (which we will go into in a later podcast), but one of the reasons is due to feeling pressured to make everyone happy. That pressure becomes multiplied if your family has several divorced members, you have kids (and may be divorced), your partner has family obligations, you live out of town, you have emotionally sensitive family members, or all of the above. Here are some tips for managing the guilt you are likely to struggle with during the holiday season:

It’s hard to talk about validation without considering what it is NOT. Hopefully you can immediately see that the statements above are examples of invalidation. Although we don’t need to validate everything (and in fact, it would be unwise to validate everything), we need to at least know HOW to validate. Validation is a skill and it can be learned. It is actually possible to validate ANYTHING. Yes, anything.

I snarled as I scrolled past yet another one of those patronizing posts on Instagram from a therapy practice. You’ve seen something similar, I’m sure. There’s usually a mountain or some other form of nature background along with a silhouette of a person you are supposed to identify with who may or may not appear to be in some form of pain…or maybe they are leaping or climbing on something? This particular post indicated that it was “proud” of me and implied that, because of this, I had accomplished enough for the day. My first thought: “f^^^^^^*k youuuuuu.”

As a psychotherapist, one of my absolute, favorite moves of all time is when I meet a new client who sheepishly admits that they want a romantic relationship in spite of believing that they shouldn’t: “So you’re a “Turtle Dove.” With this statement, my hope is that I begin to unravel the years of twisted thinking they’ve been exposed to suggesting that they “need to learn how to be ok with being alone.” Why should they be alone? Because they REALLY don’t want to be alone? Because they are uncomfortable and sad being alone? Because they desire a significant other more than anything else in their lives? So there must be something wrong with them. They must be deficient in some way. They must have a “love addiction” or low self-esteem. Wow. Are we really that sadistic???

Sometimes feeling better in the short term is a trade for long term misery. There are a few reasons you might think twice about reaching out to someone when things are rough.

September is "suicide prevention" month but Dr. Vaughn and Sarah take issue with the phrase after having worked with severely suicidal people for years. Why? For multiple reasons. Listen up to hear why.

"Self-care" is an industry buzzword that gets associated with bath bombs, calming music, and journaling. But what about when traditional "self-care" isn't possible and what if you're the type who does it differently? Dr. Vaughn and Sarah want to put a stop to the shame that can come along with being too damn busy to get a full 8 hours and 8 glasses of water.

Dr. Vaughn and Sarah discuss how to tell whether you are in a "toxic" relationship and what it means about you.

There is no manual on how to manage conflict. In fact, many people are raised to think “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. Dr. Vaughn and Sarah discuss and use DBT skills to help give tips on how to have productive conflict, which can be a positive thing. Take a listen today to learn more.

Overcoming the idea that having a panic attack is TERRIBLE is the groundwork for not spiraling. Dr. Vaughn and Sarah simplify panic attacks and give some steps you can take to bring your anxiety level down. Take a listen today to learn more.

What do you really want from these questions? Dr. Vaughn talks with relationship expert Sally Roesch about reassurance seeking. They discuss the origin of this behavior and more effective ways of communicating these feelings. Take a listen today to learn more.

When should you go to Residential Treatment? When should you stay home? Dr. Vaughn and Sarah break down expectations in the hopes of providing some clarity for those who need it. Take a listen today to learn more.

Manipulation has a bad reputation. But guess what? Everyone manipulates to get what they want and it’s not always a bad thing. Dr. Vaughn and Sarah break down this strategic behavior, take a listen today to learn more.

There is never a good time to bring up conflict. Unless someone else does? Dr. Vaughn and Sarah discuss the term "piggybacking" that can cause conflicts in relationships to spiral out of control. Take a listen today to learn more.

Nobody is a perfect parent. Although, your emotions do affect your child. Dr. Vaughn and Sarah have a conversation about when your emotions dictate situations and how that makes your child feel. Take a listen today if you would like to learn more.

Dr. Vaughn and Sarah, who are both mothers themselves, have a conversation about why it’s so important to have your own identity outside of your child. Vice versa, your child needs to find their own identity and make their own decisions. Give a listen to this podcast to get valuable insight into setting a good example and setting your child up for long-term success.

Find yourself getting guilted into situations you don’t want to be in? We’re calling that “taking a ride on the guilt trip train”. Dr. Vaughn and Sarah break this down further and give advice on how to set necessary boundaries in your relationships. Take a listen today!

“I don’t trust you” is a bold statement that could be causing more damage to a relationship than you think. Dr. Vaughn and Stephanie give advice on how to shift your perspective from trust to risk, so you can take accountability for your own emotions. Want to learn more? Take a listen today.

Before you pick a therapist or even decide if you need therapy, there are some medical issues you need to have ruled out. Dr. Vaughn and Sarah discuss the difference between medical and psychological issues and symptoms that often overlap with depression and anxiety.

With therapy becoming more and more common, it’s completely normal to be wondering if it’s time for you to seek therapy too. Dr. Vaughn and Sarah break down expectations and discuss scenarios in which a therapist may be beneficial and also when it could be disadvantageous. Are you unsure whether therapy is right for you? Take a listen today to see if their expert insight provides you with more clarity. If you are having suicidal thoughts or thinking about harming yourself or others be sure to seek professional help.

Dr. Vaughn and Sarah discuss the often daunting search that people go through to find an effective therapist for themselves or a loved one. They provide insight on ways to narrow down your search, differentiate therapists, and find important goals that you and your therapist should share. Are you in the market for a new therapist? Take a listen today to be better informed on ways to find the right therapist for you.

Dr. Vaughn and Sarah have a conversation about the effects of constantly searching for the why behind your problems. Do you find yourself constantly asking why? Take a listen today to help better understand when it is okay to be asking yourself "why" and better methods for when it's not.

Dr. Vaughn and Sarah have a conversation about self-deprecation, affectionately referred to as “The Eeyore Syndrome.” Do you know anyone who is constantly talking negatively about themselves? Do you find yourself doing so when given a compliment? Take a listen today to help better understand these behaviors.

Dr. Vaughn and Sarah discuss how we are all masters of our own fate. Each one of us could potentially alter the course of our lives RIGHT NOW if we chose to do so. Is there something that you have been avoiding that needs to be done? How can you take one step toward accomplishing that task now? PSYCHē says "Do It Now."

The term "Sunday Scaries" refers to a sense of dread, anxiety, and general blah that happens on Monday Eve when they sense the new week approaching. Dr. Vaughn and Sarah Kmita, LPC-MHSP discuss how conditioning principles contribute to the feeling and what to do about it.

Intensively trained RO therapist Sally Roesch, M.E.d. answers questions about RO-DBT and the differences between RO and standard therapy.

Sarah and Dr. Vaughn discuss when it’s time to challenge yourself versus when to stop pushing so hard. Sometimes you step into the pain and remember that just because it’s uncomfortable doesn’t make it harmful. But there are definitely times when it’s just too much and the focus needs to be on just being kind to yourself.

Is it safe to implement consequences when a child is depressed? What if the child isn't defiant or "bad," they are "just depressed?" Sarah and Dr. Vaughn discuss how sticking to the rules is EVEN MORE important when your child is suffering from mental health issues.

There are so many things that impact mood, but sleep happens to be one of the "biggies." The term "sleep hygiene" is familiar to therapists, but maybe not so much to the lay public. Listen up to hear what the term means and what some of the bottom line tips and tricks for maximizing yours and your child's chances to get a good night's sleep. But keep in mind, you might not like what you hear!

Electronics such as smartphones, video games, and laptops are necessary "evils," so how can a caregiver even begin to regulate a teen's online use? PSYCHē clinicians Dr. Stephanie Vaughn and Sarah Kmita, LPC-MHSP talk about practical ways to minimize the risks of exposure by using apps and giving "the word no" a fresh new sound.