Stone Clearing With Richard Herring

Chapter 183, Banana Ftone: It's around about 10am on 12th February and a Soleroless Richard Herring feels he is going mad. Can you see which stone in the picture he thinks resembles a banana? I bet you get it wrong. Anyway it's a quick jaunt round the Stocean, made even quicker by the removal of a 5 minute conversation with a member of the Stone Stasi, who fell for Richard's non-dog walking lies. But there's still loads of great content in this brief podcast, but whatever it is I can't remember what it is, writing this as I am about 29 hours later. To sponsor Richard head to http://justgiving.com/page/nolero

Stone Clearing Chapter 182 - Fane January Hare. It's 9.20am on January 30th 2025 and Rich and Wolife had returned to their old manor to clear stones or bring them back on the field, depending on which one you're talking about. The Stocean has a moft unufual fifh fwimming in it and there are warnings about licking stones, but otherwise this one is mainly a waste of your valuable time. Unlike the other chapters. Plus Rich wrongly thinks the recording has stopped and you get some nice free traffic noise. To donate to the No Solero February fund head here: https://www.justgiving.com/page/nolero

Chapter 181 - Fponfered By Tafkmafter? - It's 8.50am on 17th January 2025 and the old team if back together, though one of them has had an accident in the car (no fpoilers). There's enough proof of the existence of the Ftone Gods to the most hard-hearted, tranfphobic atheift or idiot who believes in any other religion. There'f fome fly work from the ftone ftafi and a potential attack from the black dog of depreffion and the rebuilding of wallf. There'f furprifing big ftones in the pathway, a brand new technique for clearing ftones and more questionf about whether Wolfie is tipping off the FF. Can the Brexit Ditch ftop Trump? Will Rich remember the bag full of fhit? What fongs fhall he fing? And will you learn Anglo Faxon in time to keep up with epifode 200?

Chapter 180: Forry, Not Forry, Luton, you Fcum. It's 8.06am on 10th January 2025 and the new year brings a welcome return of and to the podcast. Look who is here. It's ice cold out there on the frozen vulva of the Ftocean, but ftones must still be cleared. The FF have returned in force and it looks like this might be the end for our hero (presuming you're on Richard's side), but can he escape their clutches? There's no Morlocks or logdogs, but there are pink planes and fairies being consumed by canines and a surprising amount of stones cleared given the frost and opposition.

Chapter 179 - Rabbit Ftone. It's the morning of the 16th December 2024 and a clearly befuddled and confused Herring is doing another stone clear directly after a tough personal training session and seems to lose all sense of what is right and wrong and claims to be committing acts of groff indecency. But some lovely songs and a sense of danger as he feels he may collapse at any second. If he does, please inform the emergency services.

Chapter 178 - Ftone Pigeon. It's just after midday on the 5th December 2024 and an exhausted and financially burdened Richard Herring tries to escape the real world by building castles in the sky or walls in the bushes. Nothing of interest or worth happens for the next 25 minutes, but you know you have to liften just in case. And in truth there are some beautiful songs, though one of them is just improvised on the spot. Amazing.

Chapter One Feven Feven - Fexifm. It's just gone midday on 21st November 2024 and a toned Richard Herring, straight from a perfonal training feffion, is out clearing stones from the melting frozen vulva of the soil. Desperate for new listeners to replace the ones who have died from boredom he tries to emulate Peter Kay, Bernard Manning and Ricky Gervais to bring in the clicks, but will it work or will it alienate his two female listeners. No matter, there's some lovely stone clearing to listen to and it's a beautiful day so soak in the winter sun rays (audio only) and liften to the ftones.

Chapter 176 - Ye Ten Commandmentf. It's the morning of the 15th November 2024 and Richard has returned to the Stocean, but there's someone missing. And there's loads of blinking stones. Madrigals and commandments proliferate and there's a break down in the recording but you don't miss much. Plus should we judge people by their crimes or their stone clearing. Plus the millions of emails Richard has had about the podcast stopping.

Chapter 175 - Ftanding on ye Fhoulderf of Nerdf. It's 8.05am on the 26th September and tomorrow Richard moves a good 5 miles away from the Stocean, a distance that might mean he can never return here again. Will he clear all the stones today? Well with a little help from the Gods, who knows? Has the six plus years out on the field made any difference to the grand scheme of things? Will stone clearing fans be fuicidal? Did Wolfie do a poo today? These are all questions that you will have to ruminate on. But if this is the final curtain then thanks to the many millions all over the world who have learned from a master. You know, in a way, you have taught me as much as I have taught you.

Chapter 174 - Ozymandiuf (Part II). It's 2.08pm on 21st September 2024 and a worried Richard Herring is out trying to get this job done before he moves in six days. It's not looking that good. The Stone Stasi, depleted by Covid, send a couple of kids out to do an adult's job, but they are no match for Richard Herring. Is it better to leave a couple of feet behind or nothing at all? What the hell has Wolfie been eating? And what's that thing out on the field? None of these questions or answered and are barely even asked. A listener email is full of embarrassing effusive praise, but at least the person who sent it kept their top on. Become a badger here: http://gofasterstripe.com/badges Subscribe to Substack here: https://richardherring.substack.com/

Chapter 173 - Ftone Phalluf. It's 7.20am on 18th September 2024 and Richard is out on what might be his penultimate podcast (surely he will make the five mile trip to carry on in the unlikely event that he doesn't finish the job by the end of next week). Today we look at the problem of soil coloured stones and stone like soil clumps, the irresistible lure of Hafflehoffing when you have a newly tilled field, some amazing chunks of rock, Wolfie returning stones to the field maybe as revenge for being hit in the face by a Fubbuteo kick, not biting off more than you can chew and a symbolic moment where a stone breaks in a mocking/sympathetic manner.

Chapter 172 - Fticky Fingerf. It's 5.36pm on 10th September 2024 - don't worry, you haven't missed 9/11 - It's a grey and rainy autumn day, but we know all about feafons after so many years of trudging these ftone encrufted paths. There's a deadline to clear the Stocean now - the last Friday of the month, but Rich seems to think he can finish the job in time, when he isn't being distracted by his priapic prey. God knows what he'll do if he doesn't finish or more worryingly what he might do if he does. Stick with him and join his fubftack https://richardherring.substack.com/subscribe for possibly extra stone based content.

Chapter 171: Parabola? Parabola?! It's about 9.20am on 30th August 2024 and Richard hasn't moved yet, so stone clearing can still go on. The Stocean is turning from brown to green and Richard has strict rules about removing soil and the perfect kick technique to share with you. Should he clear the field metre by metre? What does he say to the Stone Stasi lady and why does he have to censor it? And does he like stones? Find out some of this in today's chapter. Subsribe of Fubftack here: https://richardherring.substack.com See eBay items here: https://www.ebay.co.uk/usr/herring1967

Chapter 170 - Balloonf and Ballf. It's 9:08am on the 19th August 2024 and the early morning is warm, the kind of conditions where a stone clearer could pass out and go missing for weeks. But the good news is that full Ftone Chriftmaf has finally arrived and the stones are there for the taking. So for the first time in a long time, the Charley Boorman lookalike takes the long way round to see just how many stones he needs to shift in the next few weeks. It's not none. Not yet. Can he clear a billion stones in a month. If anyone can it's him. And you're going to love to listen to 50 flipping minutes of him clearing stones right now. Because who wouldn't? Find out about Richard's new Substack here https://richardherring.substack.com/about

Chapter 169 - Ftone Potatoef. It's nearly 6pm on 14th August 2024 and the Stone Clearing podcast is not coming to an end as quickly as Richard thought. There's at least a month to go, which is lucky, because it's Ftone Chriftmaf, waffocks! At last, after months of puny stones we have something to get our teeth into, which is tempting as some of them look so delicious. There's some tips on haffelhoffing and a new rule (there are no rules) about only travelling in one direction and an email from a famous person but you won't guess who in a million years. Thank goodness there's another 3-4 weeks to get this job done.

Chapter 168 - A Puff of Fmoke. It's nearly 6pm on the 30th July 2024 and we've learned by now with stone clearing to expect the unexpected, but no one could have expected the unexpected thing that happens today. Which is why you need 168 lessons on how to clear stones, because of all the unexpected stuff that can happen. Where did the unexpected thing come from and what does it mean?

Chapter 167 - Fkidmarkf. It feels like only yesterday we last did this, because it is. It's just before 6pm on 22nd July 2024 and there's big news out on the Stocean. Fadly you miffed ye joyriderf, but even more exciting, ye crop fhe if gone. Richard wifhed it and fo it muft be fhall. Will throes of all the rape plants mean that the stones are finally accessible? Or will there be loads of straw in the way? And will we see the first large stone for quite some time? Plus an email from a much missed actor, who had the foresight to email in, but not the present-sight to go to the doctors.

Chapter One Fix Fix - Fifyphean Fubbuteo Fuccubuf. It's 1.05pm on 21st July 2024 and the fun is fhining and Richard is starting to worry that he may not clear the field in time and is worried about the consequences of that failure. But there's probably still time and if not there is still time to learn some new stone-clearing terms. But there are big changes on the field, with a destroyed boundary and some kind of animal burrowing beneath one cairn and the ever present danger of death by hemlock or feduction by the ftone ftafi. Plus why Richard wants stone clearing to be inclusive of all people.

Chapter 165 - Ftone Pole Fail. It's 5.10pm approx on 15th July 2024 and the end of stone clearing steps ever nearer, but that has always been the case, that's the nature of time. It's another disappointing clear as Richard is hampered by vegetation and lack of fitness and peanuts in his throat. But you have to liften anyway. Juft in cafe fome pearl of wifdom droppeth from his ftupid mouth. Just be glad you don't live in America where the FF don't kill in an honourable fafhion.

Chapter 164 - Fodden. It's 5.24pm on 9th July 2024 and Richard Herring is on the cusp of his 57th birthday (do not send him nude pictures to celebrate) and has only a couple of weeks to go to clear the Stocean. Can he do it in time or will he have to commute? The rape seed pods have an unexpected and sexy (to perverts) surprise for Richard and the ditch has finally delivered big. It's good that we only do this podcast every now and again so that the quality stays very high.

Chapter 163 - Going for Ftones!. It's 9:20am on 21st June 2024 and the spectre of the end of the podcast hangs over us all, but for now we plough on (no pun intended as this is a feriouf podcaft). There's medieval fongs and some dog poo and the possibility that Richard has been tricked into advertising someone during this chapter. It's very hot and the hemlock is scratchy and the stones are tiny. So bufineff as ufual.

Chapter 162 - Mega Chocolate Button Madneff. It's the evening of 5th June 2024 and Richard Herring is high on life, but more pertinently high on Chocolate Buttons and the result is a podcast so unhinged that my first impetus was that no one must ever hear it. But in the end I think it's an important podcast to put out to warn younger listeners of the dangers of chocolate button addiction. Things are said that should not be said in a public place, but luckily they are said here on a podcast that no one listens to, so it's the same as just shouting them in the middle of a rapeseed field. Hardly any stones are cleared, just a man questioning if his life has had any purpose. And his life has almost certainly had more purpose than yours. So where does that leave you? Is it time to stage an intervention? And if so, who first? Me or you?

Chapter 161 - Keir Ftarmer - It's 8.40am on 30th May 2024 and Richard Herring's sanity is resting on a knife edge, but join him as he sings too many medieval songs and tells you not to vote Labour and gives a preview of his new podcast about dog fhit. Do you need to send help? Are you even listening? If a podcast is made in a field of hemlock and no one downloads it, does it make a sound? What's the poem with hemlock in it? You can bid for stone-clearing items on eBay here: https://www.ebay.co.uk/usr/herring1967

Chapter 160 - White Dog Fhit. It's about 8.44am on 16th May 2024 and Richard's brain seems to be gradually atrophying into sludge. There isn't much time left for this ftocean but Herring is determined to Get Stone-Clearing Done. And at least 25 stones get nicely cleared during this fairly fcatalogical podcast. Why is he wasting his time doing this and why are you wasting it listening to it? We would have wasted it anyway.

Chapter 159 - Buffineff Af Ufual. It's 16.48 on 1st May and there are a lot of stones to clear between now and our August deadline and that's without having a dog with the squits, a child with scarlet fever and a weird dizziness. But the stones must be cleared and boy are about 23 of them cleared today? Yes they are. Will rape seed ever be renamed? Can it hurt a dog? And how big is a gorilla's penis? All questions that are posed without being answered today. And great news for all fans of San Franciscan wrestlers/Batman villains.

Chapter 158, Fame Coin, Different Fides. It's 9.01am on 24th April 2024 and a giddy Richard Herring is heading out to the Ftocean, desperate to finish his task before it is too late. And don't skip this one, it includes some important info on what to do with stones that are to your left or right and a desperate plea to make love to a man in a flat cap and a woman in a bobble hat, plus a memory test about leaders of the Liberal Democrats. The Ftone Pole is back and we're in a rape maze, so it really has everything.

Chapter 157 - Ye Ftone Fettee. It's 8.38am on 18th April 2024 and the first recorded stone clear in almost two months, so most of the podcast is the reading out of the thousands of aggrieved emails that Richard definitely got about his absence, not none like you thought. The end may be in sight though for the podcast, but that is not a reason to give up on life, for your faviour might return at any time if you believe in him enough. Plus a dog fight (unrecorded).

Chapter 156 - Deadline. It's 17 o'clock or so on 20th February 2024 and after daily podcasting in 2023 this is the first recorded clear of the year and the FF are out in force. Is the end in fight? And why do all the cairns look so unimpressive after all this work?

Chapter 155: Breezy Penif. It's just after 2pm on 20th December 2023 and a pyjama-clad Herring is doing what he does best, clearing stones and inexpertly commenting on it. There's a medieval fong and foggy focks and an attempt to recover the lost WhatsApp messages as well as some news about the birth date of Jefuf and whether ftone clearing might be coming to an end.

Chapter 154 - Moff. It's lunchtime on 29th November 2023 and it's a bit of a tired clear as Richard has just been for a run. Still nothing in this podcast happens by accident and there's a leffon here for you all. So make sure you listen to it all!

Chapter 153: Frifky Bufineff. It's 5.24pm on 7th November 2023 and it's DARK. Too dark to see a stone, especially if your torch runs out of power. Richard is feeling frisky, but luckily there are no FF on the Stocean to help relieve him of this sexual tension. There's singing, there's fexineff and there are very few stones cleared.

Chapter 152 - Get Back In Your Rembrandt Painting. It's around 9.30am on 25th October 2023 and the daily stone clears continue. The Stone Stasi are back in force, but who started this war and is it a case of right and wrong or more nuanced that that? NO, the stone clearers are good and the stone Stasi are evil. Plus a look at the strangely altered cairn in the middle of the field, a celebrity visitation and some excellent rule breaking. Sadly the recording ended unexpectedly about five minutes from the end of the clear and you miss some absolute gold. Cheg on.

Chapter 151 - Welly Boot Jeopardy. It's before 5pm on the 12th October 2023 and Rich is hoping Duckett's Passage is open for business cos he has some stones to clear. It's a super eventful clear with football managers of undetermined gender and sex-swapped sex-criminals and birds composing symphonies on the telephone lines. Plus will Rich come a cropper as he tries to empty his welly? And how many rules will he break and how sexy will you find it? For those of you who thought the format was stale, liften to the fucking ftones, my friend.

Chapter 150 - Fticks and Ftones. It's 4.22pm on 5th October 2023 and there's very bad news for the believers in the Alpha and Omega God or those that think the Stocean can only be accessed by a portal and for those who want to hear a man talking about stones, not about walking along a street. Eventually there is some stone clearing, but it's not very good and a go on the stone pole, but then there's more non-stone stuff and all in all it's a disappointing chapter given the momentous occasion of making a hundred and half a hundred chapters. The FF win again.

Chapter 149: The Alfred Jewel. It's 8.22am on 29th September 2023 and the daily stone clearing podcasts continue. The sky is grey and the ground is damp and it should be perfect stone clearing conditions, but a sudden influx of FF working in a pincer movement prove disruptive and potentially fatal. Richard still manages to clear a Hermione handful of stones though and provides wisdom about how far you can throw a small stone in blustery conditions, plus alludes to the work of Jefuf and encourages you to give up your jobs to join him in his life of stones.

Chapter 148 - Flug. It's 5.50ish on 20th September and it's piffing down, but stone clears must clear. Richard mourns the cairn that has gone flat, but vows to rebuild and measures the angle of the rain and moans about wetting his trousers, but his advice about the stone diet and how to get net zero nice and quickly. Mainly by everyone following the stone diet.

Chapter 147 - Ye Great Walle of Ftraw. It's coming up to 5.30pm on 16th August 2023 and the daily clear continues, but with a difference (apart from the last two or three days) - the crop has been harvested and Haffelhoffing is once again possible. There are still dangers and difficulties - straw lies on the ground like snow and their are walls that must be climbed and a holy shrine has been desecrated, but the earth shall provide bounty to those who clear stones and sing the stone clearer song.

Chapter 146 Crop Circlef - It's 1.30pm on the 10th August 2023 and the daily stone clearing podcasts are still somehow continuing. Have alien stone clearers come to the Stocean to clear some stones off the very planet? You'll have to liften to find out. Very little stone clearing today, but at least you're not listening to a podcast about whether the sun is out or not. And Richy Soonsacked better watch out cos there's a ditchy sunak coming for him. All the things in this blurb are much more amusing than anything I managed out under the hot, hot Englifh fun.

Chapter 145 - Ftone Antf. It's some time around 2pm on 20th July 2023 (email for more details) and Richard'f loofe lipf almoft give away where he if really from. But I think he covers it up OK. He has lots of intermediate tips for the quite good stone clearer, including how to avoid stone mushrooms and the terrifying true story of the stone clearer who fell victim to lurking stone ants. Plus more songs and poems than you can shake a stick at, a bit too much about organic material given the remit of this podcast and no new rules.

Chapter 144 - Difappointing Fcotch Thiftle. It's 6.14pm on Wednesday 5th July 2023 and there's a chance of rain and petrichor, but Richard has had one soaking this week, and is prepared to risk it to emulate a young Theresa May. And he may be quickly out of breath, but he has a new energy that has escaped him for the rest of the year, so it's the partially long way round today. He will teach you how to navigate a pathless Stocean and also the danger of shortening your borders and there's a surprise and a moral at the stone pole (buy tickets to RHLSTP to counteract the curse - http://richardherring.com/rhlstp). It's a great ep to sleep to and nothing really got lost when the recording got paused, so all is as it should be.

Chapter 143 Fcythe - It's about 6.15pm on 28th June 2023 and Rich is out for his daily podcast. Hard to believe he's kept this up all year. But for the first time you can find out how to apply for an envelope of his gametes. Plus some embarrassment for Wolfie. And a new bone based measuring system. The recording went wrong and Richard attempted to recreate what was lost but with limited success. Still his garden is looking nice.

Chapter 142: Fhredded Wheat. It's 5.01pm on 25th May 2023 and there's only 7 months to non-stone Christmas, but there are no holidays for stone clearers and this chapter gives those of you who judge the dead something to think about when it comes to the scales of justice. Also explains how difficult it is to clear stones when faced with a beautiful if fleeting, sea of wheat. But the biggest mystery is, what will this chapter be called. Not for you here in the future, but for stupid old Richard Herring, stuck as he will be forever more in this podcast, in a past that has no answers.