The Trap Sodcasts

It’s happy birthday Jeremy... or at least it would be if he didn’t have to do this ‘bloody sodcast’. Still, it gives you all the perfect opportunity to hear him physically age, LIVE.Aside from him getting on a bit, we do all the things you’d do yourselves if you had a psodcast but with an added very special guest at the end, so stay tuned for that if nothing else.

The usual stuff. Plus a new feature! Yep, we’ve had another idea! Bow down before our sheer invention...By the way, today’s picture is a sublime tribute to the beauty of EHC given to us by the delectable Mr Simon Kane...

Welcome to the first Event Horizon Crescent free Psodcast! Well the first for a while anyway. Yes, without the heavy burden of EHC to record we plough straight into the show without warming up whatsoever resulting in a messier than usual affair. Sorry about that. We do cover some very important ground I’m sure, what that might be though is anyone’s guess...

More of this from us. We cover a lot of ground in this week’s tremendously lively festival of shitballs. But we do it in a sad way as we mark the last ever episode of the vaguely beloved institution that is Event Horizon Crescent. It’ll be sorely missed. By a couple of folks.

Happy new year as we fly into 2012 only 24 days late with one of our more unlistenable efforts. Luckily, the rambling psodcast is entirely thrown into relief by 50 minutes of self-indulgent outtakes from vent Horizon Crescent which we defy you to get through. Don’t try, you won’t make it. Anyway, we’ll be better next time as it will be the final EHC so we’ll be delighted.

Well Christmas is a time for old traditions: Christmas pies around the festmus wasp, sticking your stocking up a chimney for Satan, mulled wine poured all over your Dickens and listening to the annual Chissmus Psodcast. So Jingle Belm to one and all as you settle down for the festive season with a jolly bunch of lads, one of whom is tremendously tired having just flown in from Cape Town filled with the joys of the apartheid.Then it is time for your penultimate episode of Crezzie - drink it in, every word, cos come next time, it’ll be gone. Thank Santa Fuck!

Yes, you read that right. Thanks to the excellent Chris Limb and his suggestions, from now on we are a Psodcast! So what does that mean in real terms? It means we’ve added a p. Anyway, launching us on this brand new exciting venture is a solid hour and half of fresh, prime bullshit. Although a good chunk of that is a large morsel of EHC so don’t get too excited. Although, of course, this episode is the antepenultimate one, so not long to go now folks!

Well who’d’ve thunk it, we gone and done another sodcast in’t we. And gor blimey if it in’t a cracker. There’s ‘ates an’ spottids and commints and such. We ‘ear about Paul’s latest ‘oliday and lawd luvvaduck don’t we ‘ave a right old time of it. Then it’s Event Horizon Crescent. Like usual. I’m running out of things to say in these. I’m not sure anyone reads them anyway, they’re pretty unnecessary, you want to know what happens in the sodcast? Listen to it. Christ.

Opening with an awful fanfare and the usual torrent of noise it time for another one of those sodcasts that you tolerate so much...Excitingly, we try out a new feature this week which helps keep things moving slightly: we sent out a call on Twitter for any questions from our audience and received literally a couple of replies to that mixes things up a little.Anyway, you’re only here for Cressie so I don’t know why I’m bothering to tell you about the rest of it. Cressie’s good this time. Once again saving us from putting in too much effort we have a shower of guest stars this week bunging their two penneth in. So that helps.

Hey there belmfans, it’s time for another round of bullshit cocktails with your friendly neighbourhood Trap outfit. In case you didn’t manage to make it along to The Trap X then you can hear us briefly talk about it which should give you a thoroughly good idea of what you avoided. We then go on... At the end is EHC and get your listening face ready cos it’s going to be a biggun. Set in court. Where Foggit’s on trial. And what happens is...

As the nation descends into an abyss of frenzied such and such and mindless whatever, we bring you a special emergency Trap sodcast. Please, only use it in the event of dire circumstances or if you’ve really, absolutely, positively got nothing better to do.As a measure to attempt to quell the tension sweeping the nation, this sodcast will not contain an episode of Event Horizon Crescent. So, none of the carefully scripted, lovingly produced entertainment you’re used to, just the hour or so of waffling bullshit that usually precedes it.Stay safe, stay super and stay sexylovely.

And we’re back, with tales of abroad! Heaps of spotteds, Metro is its usual shit self, some first class cordon bleu hates and we reveal, exclusively, the complete plans for the 2012 Olympic opening ceremony.Then it’s time for another bloody game-changing episode of Event Horizon Crescent.

As other podcasts wither and die, we plough on unnecessarily, bashing out the same old tosh on an occasional basis for our 7 loyal listeners. Hooray for us!This week we decide that the term ‘sodcast’ has been ruined and we need a new name so this’ll be your chance to stick your oar in. So get sticking over at the poll! Or leave a comment! Or do something worthwhile with your life!Then Cressie sits there at the end like a particularly stodgy pudding after an unpleasantly fatty meal. And that’s yer sodcast!By the way, don;t forget to buy your tickets for our upcoming new live show The Trap: X on at the Camden Fringe August 25th-28th. More details here: http://www.camdenfringe.com/

Hello again! Well what do you know, it’s only another hour of cack and fancy from your three favourite ‘arseholes’. This time out there’s the barely-awaited return of The Special Crap People Show; Metro is, as ever, shit and the word ‘swit’ gets a good going over. After all that, what better way to unwind than slipping into a nice warm bath of Event Horizon Crescent? With large friendly letters on the cover.

What? We’ve been busy!Anyway, poll’s back.

After last time’s massive overexcitement, it’s time for the groggy, morning-after comedown. Yes it’s back to business as usual as the three of us lazily try and stitch together something vaguely listenable to try and stave off the onset of Event Horizon Crescent for as long as possible. However, we do discover that Metro is becoming more like our version of Metro than ever before, which is pleasing and depressing in equal measure.Also, we’ve dumped the poll - deal with it.

Yes it’s finally here! An obscenely bloated and overcooked bucket of sodcast to celebrate 50 of these “bloody things”.We bring back some old favourites and there’s also a special celebratory EHC but, most excitingly of all, we’re joined by the marvellous Margaret Cabourn-Smith who simultaneously raises and lowers the tone in her own inimitable way. Anyway, sorry it’s so fucking long but you don’t have to listen to it all you know.

Well it’s the last sodcast before we turn 50 and we sure do go out with a bang. A big bang. A big stupid bang. Bangs eh? While going out with the bang, we sadly forgot to mention we are in association with Chortle which would have given us the perfect opportunity to play our new Chortle jingle that Ben Howey so kindly made us. Still, this means it will have its debut in the highly-anticipated 50th Sodcast! If we don’t forget again.

Four cunts in a room talking.Los Quattros Cvnts at The Phoenix, Cavendish Square - Wednesday 2nd February 2011 Doors open 7.30pm

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Like a drunk uncle at midnight, we stumble across your threshold clutching not a lump of coal but a lump of sodcast! Lucky you.We set out our stall for the new year by hating a whole new bunch of things and delivering what is, by quite some distance, the worst thing Carla Lane has ever sent us. Metro is still shit of course and we let you in on just how our Christmases went down. I won’t give anything away but the phrase ‘River Fish’ is used.Then Event Horizon Crescent happens and we can all go home.

HO HO HO! Those are just three of the noises you’ll be making as you plough through this unpleasantly long Xmas self-indulgence which is fast becoming an annual tradition, nay, chore! So pull up a mince pudding and mull some cranberry sauce and join us by the fire as we look back at another bloody year of the Trap sodcasts. As well as the usual parade of Metro is shits, spotteds, blesses and hates we bring back some old favourites that have been allowed to sit in the corner of the Trap attic and gather rust. We think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. We are, of course, wrong.Anyway, as if that wasn’t more than enough, we round off the year with an ear-curdling Xmas episode of Event Horizon Crescent which features an extended and pithy reference to a film that is only 13 years old! JINGLE BELM!

Well this week’s podcast is short and sloppy. Which is how you like it. You pervert.Anyway, we cover a lot of ground and blow a lot of hot air and then piss off, leaving you gasping for Event Horizon Crescent. Which follows. Does anyone even read these bits? I mean I write em every time, but I don’t put much thought in so I wouldn’t blame you for not reading them. They tell you nothing, after all. I might stop bothering. Or just leave up that stupid cod latin that acts as a placeholder. You lot wouldn’t give a shit would you. Charming. Well thank you, thank you VERY much.

Well where the bloody hell have we been? Eh? No note! No phone call! Nothing!Oh what, so we think we can just breeze in and out of your lives without a care in the world, have our fun with your ears for an hour or so and then just up and leave for a month? Well we can forget it buster!Anyway, here we are, back again, the usual shit then EHC. Hope it makes up for our behaviour. You know we loves ya, right babes? You be the only audience for us.

Well it’s us again, swiftly abandoning any plans for a Hallowe’en special or a return to the happy days of Paul’s food poisoning tales. However, we do get a chance to catch up on some of the many reasons Metro is shit and give our own very special tributes to Norman Wisdom (although we forgot Manimal had also carked it so consider this bit in brackets to be his tribute). Also, stay tuned for what may well turn out to be the first ever episode of Event Horizon Crescent to win an Oscar! You know, cos it’s good. I know they don’t give Oscars to podcasts but I’m just saying... oh fuck you then, fuck you.

Welcome back! This week it’s business as usual as we start a fight with another ‘Sodcast’ and hear a wonderful whimsical tale of Paul’s anus. If you’re eating you might want to finish up before getting stuck into this week’s offering is all I’m saying.Anyway, you can wash your mouth out with another generous helping of Event Horizon Crescent. That’s the great thing about Crezzie, it hardly ever makes you retch.

We’re back!! Again. Unfortunately, we recorded this sodcast a couple of days before the comments for the last one went batshit so we only really scratch the surface of those pearls of wisdom but perhaps we’ll cover them next time.What we do cover will blow your fucking mind though. But not as much as... oh yes... the return of Event Horizon Crescent! It’s bigger, bolder and, most importantly, longer than ever. And you thought we’d done all the jokes, hah! Well... so what if we have?

We abandon hectic rehearsals for Bad Musical (Etcetera Theatre Camden, 27-29 August at 9pm, tickets £7.50) to record this very special rambling sodcast. Covering the most heated topics as always, we finally get round to recording Carla Lane’s In Atlantis and we swear perhaps more than ever so quite a treat for fans of barrack-room language.Anyway, stay listening to the end for a very special trailer for the upcoming return of everyone’s favourite space-based soap, Event Horizon Crescent.

We’re 40 today! To celebrate we deal with the most important issues of the day including a man who collects crisp packets like a tool and try to work out what the best thing Noel Edmonds has done is... could it be this: http://bit.ly/WCPF0 Have your say on our poll! No Event Horizon Crescent again this week as we’re still hard at work on Bad Musical (27-29 August at Etcetera Theatre, Camden). Buy tickets now from www.camdenfringe.org

After our Spanish superbness last time, it’s a bit of a dip in quality this week as we decide it’s high time we did a shit one. So we burble on about absolutely nothing and, in the process, libel a bunch of people. So it’s very important that we point out that everything we say about everybody in this weeks sodcast is entirely untrue and we apologise unreservedly to the offended parties. Sorry offended parties.

Ola! We’re in Spain this week, so it seems entirely appropriate that we perform a special Aveline from Bread tribute episode of On Buddy Holly’s Plane by Carla Lane. Otherwise that might have seemed in poor taste.

Raoul Moat will be sorry he missed this week’s Trap Sodcast as he’s namechecked a couple of times. At the time of recording, ‘Moaty’ as Paul Gascoigne seems to call him could still have sent in an mp3 for Event Horizon Crescent like so many of our other lovely listeners. So thanks guys for sending in your guest appearances, you’re better than Raoul Moat and we don’t say that lightly.Anyway, aside from that it’s the usual shit with Event Horizon Crescent tacked on the end. What did you expect?

Welcome to our Trap Sodcast Summer Special! It’s far too hot of course to do a sodcast in this weather but we don’t let that stop us, no sireeeeeeeee! So you lucky folk get to experience us sort of falling asleep. Also, Jeremy and Paul drink booze during it so you get to hear that too.We mention the football for a second, sorry about that, but we immediately abandon it. Until Event Horizon Crescent which is about nothing but. Come on England!

Yet another wallop of loud noises from everyone’s favourite ‘arseholes’ as this week we tackle the most burning issues in the news in a hard-hitting and uncompromising way. Then we do the podcast which is the usual shit. There’s an ‘exciting’ hiatus in the show this week as we have to stop to go for a job interview down a phone. Find out how it went! I think you can probably guess though.Anyway shut up because Event Horizon Crescent’s back and there ain’t nothing wrong with The Crez. Word.

On the eve of our final Los Quattros Cvnts show (til September) we gather together with Michael Legge in a pub like the cvnts we are and bang on about cvnty stuff. And Michael forgets that Frank Carson is the celebrity he spotted. Michael! It was Frank Carson!

Well we’re back! Yes, after yet another needlessly long hiatus, it’s time for another of these things, whatever they are. This week we grace your ears with a lovely new episode of In the Divorce Courts by Carla Lane, Jeremy hates a bunch of stuff again and we provide you with the last thing you needed: a pathetic commentary to the short YouTube film Pixels by Patrick Jean. I’d skip through that bit if I were you. But by all means don’t skip through this week’s Event Horizon Crescent whatever you do! Unless you’re not a fan, in which case skipping it would be totally understandable. You uncultured thug.

In our special Pik memorial episode we cover a fair bit of ground in honour of our late feathered friend. She alas misses this week’s instalment of ‘In A&E’ (by Carla Lane) which she would have definitely loved. But even sadder, she also misses the latest MIND-BLOWING instalment of our worldwide sensation sci-fi soap Event Horizon Crescent where this week things get a little political... space political. Pik would have loved that. She was all about the politics.

It’s an odd one this week. The first half is another OB, this time in a Starbucks in London’s lovely London. We briefly mourn the passing of Pik before falling back into our usual barrel of bullshit. It’s what she would have wanted.The second half takes place many months ago: having watched Doctor Who’s Waters Of Mars episode and got rather pissed, the three of us and Michael Legge decided it would be fun to watch some celebrated disgusting internet shock videos and record our reactions. It’s basically a lot of shouting. We weren’t going to bother putting it up but in the absence of an Event Horizon Crescent and to make up for the vast gap between sodcasts, we thought it was time to inflict the fucking thing on you lot. Sorry.

Back to our best this week without a shadow of a doubt, we hit the ground running and then we hit it again and again til it stops running. Stupid fucking ground.There’s the usual mix of shits and giggles (1 part giggles to 10 parts shits) and we find out what happens in Carla Lane’s latest sitcom ‘In The Centre Of Venus’.Anyway, it’s all just an excuse to give the incomparable 25th Anniversary episode of Event Horizon Crescent something to sit on. Bloody belm.

Well it’s taken some doing but we finally made it to number 30! And to celebrate this momentous milestone we decide to record the sodcast in two halves. The first half takes place round Paul’s and is the sort of thing you’ve probably come to expect from these affairs by now. The second half takes place in the pub... you don’t have to listen to it you know.Anyway, everything is made better by yet another GAME-CHANGING episode of Crezzie slapped on at the end. Thank fuck for Crezzie. And a very BELM 30th to us!

Everyone’s a-buzz here at the Trap Sodcast studios as we eagerly anticipate the special live episode of Event Horizon Crescent to mark its 23rd anniversary.In the meantime we keep ourselves busy with our usual roster of bullshit and whimsy. Plus we get a very exclusive sneak peek into Paul’s mind. You wouldn’t BELIEVE what’s going on in there.

Back with a bang, we shoot out of the starting gate and never look back in this no-holds-barred fuckbuddy of a sodcast. Seriously, Metro is still shit, our crap people show goes from strength to equal amount of strength, words are being said in weirder and weirder ways and we smack you in the face with perhaps our finest ever episode of Event Horizon Crescent which contains without a doubt the greatest song this world has ever had the pleasure of experiencing. This podcast is so good it makes all others seem even more popular than it.

The best podcast in the world just keeps on getting better and better!Ours on the other hand...This weeks picture is Ryan Izatt’s beautiful rendering of Gubby from Event Horizon Crescent. If you’d like to see YOUR painting of an EHC character in the gallery then do send it to the usual address thetrap@mac.com, however I’m afraid we cannot return your pictures. We’ll burn them. Onto a CD HAHA! Which we’ll burn.

Sorry if you revised for Event Horizon Crescent this week as it has been put on hold while we once again go off piste and piste off with legendary Precious Little Cvnt Michael Legge.Yes, once again we plumb the merry depths of Cvntitude as our first show of the new year had to be cancelled to make way for a tedious fucking pub quiz. But rather than beat ourselves off about it, we just lick our wounds and slap together this hour of tasty morsels, treats and nuggets for your delectation. There’s even a guest appearance of Michael’s never-popular ‘interview’ segment where you finally get to find our what makes The Trap tick and why we don’t do it more often.

Excitingly, Dan has a hangover this week. You’d think that would mean everyone would think twice about introducing a fun new shouty character into the mix. But nope, he’s there alright. Also ‘there’ is a plethora of spotteds, some of the choicest cuts of hate sir has ever had the pleasure to ingest and several Lenny Henry impressions that no-one wanted.But, if you’re only interested in the latest instalment of Event Horizon Crescent, and let’s face it, you are, then you can avoid all this by just downloading the separate EHC podcast also available from iTunes. It’s like this but without this.

Well it’s two weeks into 2010 and high time we wished you all a very belm new year. Yes, we’re back from our extended Christmas break with tales of our exploits which include a remarkable 48 hour adventure for Paul in Vienna airport, a story about K9 and martial arts from Jeremy and a tale of a twatty audition from Dan.Aside from that there’s all the usual gubbins, some new Cvnt dates, we float the possibility of an exciting new theatrical venture for us and last but most least, a special New Year bonanza episode of Crezzie. So put up your feet and put out your ears, the sodcast is about to speak.

Well it’s ho ho ho and jingle belm this week as we tumble down your chimney with an extra special gift for you all: yes, it’s a Christmas sodcast. So, pull up a mince pie, get your chestnuts roasting and guzzle down the Egg Nog while you enjoy Christmas with The Trap. We even invent some new Christmas songs for you! And they’re sensational.Plus it’s a super festive Event Horizon Christmas Carol to warm the heartles of your cock. What more could you want from santa? Eh? A very happy Xmas and god belm us, every one...PS. Thanks to Jezmundo for this week’s picture.

For the first time, we leave the confines of Jeremy’s flat and go OUT AND ABOUT!Yes, this week’s sodcast is an Outside Broadcast as we travel back to London from a gig with Robin Ince in Berkhamsted and presumably irritate the living shit out of the rest of the passengers.It was actually only intended to be a mini-sodcast but, luckily, the train stopped just outside Euston and we all ended up missing our connections so as a result it’s one of our longest ever!So, if you love the idea of being stuck on a train with three noisy and increasingly incoherent bastards, then you, my friend, are in luck!

BONG! BONG! BONG! Yes, it’s sod o’clock.Well we’re back to our usual business after the weird perversion of being joined by Precious Little Cvnt Michael Legge last time. We cover a fair bit of ground but the most important news of all is that this week’s poll is a matter of life or death! Seriously! Listen to the sodcast before going to the poll but when you do, your vote is needed more than ever before.Also this week’s Event Horizon Crescent is as long as a piece of really long fucking string and is the subject of our secondary poll. SO GET VOTING! Your views have never been so interesting,

To celebrate and publicise our upcoming Los Quattros Cvnts shows at the Phoenix in London on 17th and 18th November, we are joined for a one off special sodcast by Michael Legge, star of the Precious Little podcast and 4th cvnt.As it’s not a proper sodcast, we don’t cover the comments or the poll, but we couldn’t pass up the chance to go through some hates with someone so filled with fury as Michael. So sit back, relax and let this particular bunch of cvnts fill your ears with their shit.

Well hello there, pull up a chair and settle your nerves cos the Trap have got a tale for you... and it’s called Sodcast 21!This blurb might sound a bit different to you this week, wanna know why? Well I’m telling you anyway: we’ve got a new microphone and it has certainly... well I’ll let you be the judge, go and vote in our poll. Yes that’s right, the poll is back! Not cos we wanted it back, oh no, we were glad to be shot of the fucking thing. No, it’s because YOU wanted it back, you lot, out there, whining and interfering. So, thanks for your comments and we hope you enjoy voting on our exciting double poll this week. After all, you INSISTED on it.Plus extra toxic episode of Event Horizon Crescent that literally has to be heard to be experienced. Yep, we’ve really packed it in this week! If only.