Turtle's Paradise

Wherein Tj and Chris confront the oft-confusing translation of table dog purple liquefy, chili squint, and wet bread. This week's beer: Rusty Rail NOktoberfest Rye Ale w/ blood orange Music credits: OP: "How Many Heavens Are There?" [Tifa's Theme] by Wiesty & XPRTNovice ED: "The Shinra Shuffle" [Fight On!] by The Runaway Five

Wherein Tj and Chris (at long last) welcome Cid's comeuppance vis-a-vis a certain assistant, confirm that you can't do the Wutai quest after the Return to Midgar, and trivialize the entire challenge on a couple different occasions. This week's beer: Rusty Gold Brewing Potential Energy Imperial IPA Music credits: OP: "How Many Heavens Are There?" [Tifa's Theme] by Wiesty & XPRTNovice ED: "The Shinra Shuffle" [Fight On!] by The Runaway Five

Wherein Tj and Chris raise their body temperatures by any means necessary, completely disregard a tower defense game, and disappoint the more religious members of their families. This week's beer: Rock Bottom Pittsburgh Uppity Jagoff IPA Music credits: OP: "How Many Heavens Are There?" [Tifa's Theme] by Wiesty & XPRTNovice ED: "The Shinra Shuffle" [Fight On!] by The Runaway Five Incidental: "Judgement-Funkadelic" [Judgment Day] by Charles Ritz, David Peacock, DrumUltimA, Dutcher Snedeker, Fredrik Häthén, Marc Papeghin, Nuri Tett, sschafi1, & Thennecan Find these at OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris are ON A BOAT, in LITTLE DUNE BUGGY, and go down in a blaze of glory but are still able to paddle around in shallow water and rivers.Oh, yeah, and she dies. Deal with it. This week's beer: Southern Tier Nu Skool IPA Music credits: OP: "How Many Heavens Are There?" [Tifa's Theme] by Wiesty & XPRTNovice ED: "The Shinra Shuffle" [Fight On!] by The Runaway Five Find these at OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris channel their inner Kornheiser and Wilbon, shill grenades as the answer to every problem in Midgar, and receive gifts of dice and portability from friend of the show Andrew! This week's beer: Magic Hat TFG IPA Music credits: OP: "How Many Heavens Are There?" [Tifa's Theme] by Wiesty & XPRTNovice ED: "The Shinra Shuffle" [Fight On!] by The Runaway Five Find these at OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris ACTUALLY PUBLISH A BLEEDING PODCAST FOR A CHANGE, plug their Final Fantasy XI streaming project senseless, name-check Legend of Legaia for whatever reason, and Tj dishonors himself by not mentioning EarthBound amongst his formative JRPG experiences. This week's beer: Sierra Nevada Trip in the Woods: Bière de Garde Music credits: OP: "How Many Heavens Are There?" [Tifa's Theme] by Wiesty & XPRTNovice ED: "The Shinra Shuffle" [Fight On!] by The Runaway Five Find these at OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris realize that they've lived someone's D&D campaign, II tried really hard (and the cast of VIII needs to get punched), Mario Hoops 3-on-3 was a thing that existed, Edward's the second-best bard in Final Fantasy (out of 2), you can never have too many princesses, and apparently Nightshade Rage can't break the game if you never encounter it on the veldt.This week's beer: Flying Dog "The Truth" IPA Music credits:"Booster Tarantino" by djpretzel, because it's an awesome track from an SNES RPG that we didn't talk about.

Wherein Tj and Chris get Ultima, get Quick, get magic costs down to nearly nil, and break the endgame over their knees. Also, they tease a big announcement in the cheesiest and most cringeworthy way possible. You've been warned. This week's beer: New Belgium Trippel Music credits: OP: "A World of Decisions" [The Decisive Battle] by Khemael ED: "Cid in the Factory" [Devil's Lab] by Gaffezil Find these at OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris put the band back together (following an epiphany at a church that may or may not involve James Brown), quality-check seafood for half an hour in an attempt to stabilize an ambulatory condom, and elucidate upon just why, in fact, these caves are a pain in the ass. This week's beer: Fat Head's 25th Anniversary IPA Music credits: OP: "A World of Decisions" [The Decisive Battle] by Khemael ED: "Cid in the Factory" [Devil's Lab] by Gaffezil Find these at OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris go digging through the trash for magical monsters to collect and trade, comport themselves with the utmost decorum, and fail at feng shui so badly that entire continents are destroyed. This week's beer: Selin's Grove Brewing Company The Same IPA This episode is brought to you by The Jester's Guild, who are performing Ken Ludwig's The Three Musketeers at the New Hazlett Theater in Pittsburgh October 13-15. Tickets are available at https://the-jesters-guild.ticketleap.com/ . Music credits: OP: "A World of Decisions" [The Decisive Battle] by Khemael ED: "Cid in the Factory" [Devil's Lab] by Gaffezil Find these at OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris fail Latin so hard they conjure an extradimensional evil, don't fare much better in Italian either, and Turtle's Paradise would like to apologize for the poor quality of the beer segment. This week's beer: Fat Head's G'suffa Oktoberfest Lager Music credits: OP: "A World of Decisions" [The Decisive Battle] by Khemael ED: "Cid in the Factory" [Devil's Lab] by Gaffezil Find these at OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris beat the "You Don't Break Up The Party" concept into Square's collective noggins with a rubber panel-beating mallet, prove that Kefka is the jankiest of clowns (HBO series notwithstanding), and reminisce about when summons were actually decent. This week's beer: Brew Gentlemen Akamai Double IPA Music credits: OP: "A World of Decisions" [The Decisive Battle] by Khemael ED: "Cid in the Factory" [Devil's Lab] by Gaffezil Find these at OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris finally make this whole "meatdimension" thing make sense, Shigesato Itoi gleans yet another inspiration from Final Fantasy, and I still have to saw through this banana. This week's beer: Rheingeist Quadra Funk Hoppy Wild Ale Music credits: Opening Theme: Little Black Book [The Writings of the Seal] by DarkeSwordClosing Theme: Boss Key [Clash on the Big Bridge; Supreme Lord Exdeath] by Norg

Wherein Tj and Chris are really concerned for the self-destructive behavior Lenna's exhibiting, waffle on whether or not to call them Crystals just yet, and お前はもう死んでいる This week's beer: Great Lakes Lake Erie Monster Imperial IPA Music credits: Opening Theme: Little Black Book [The Writings of the Seal] by DarkeSwordClosing Theme: Boss Key [Clash on the Big Bridge; Supreme Lord Exdeath] by Norg Find these at OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris try not to get split in half by Conan the Librarian, perform the Heimlich Maneuver on a chocobo, and go on at length about how awesome Clash on the Big Bridge is. This week's beer: Rusted Rail Blue Collar Raspberry Music credits: Opening Theme: Little Black Book [The Writings of the Seal] by DarkeSwordClosing Theme: Boss Key [Clash on the Big Bridge; Supreme Lord Exdeath] by Norg Find these at OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris interrupt their lives of leisure for the sake of a princess and an amnesiac, learn the value of rods (specifically, exactly 750 gil) and get their motors running for the annual Karnak 500! This week's beer: Magic Hat Ticket to Rye IPA Music credits: Opening Theme: Little Black Book [The Writings of the Seal] by DarkeSwordClosing Theme: Boss Key [Clash on the Big Bridge; Supreme Lord Exdeath] by Norg Find these at OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris explain just why they'll be wearing sombreros for this game, celebrate the introduction of Blue Mages to Final Fantasy, and prepare for a (couple) runs through a game that I guess we were just too stupid for in the 90s. This week's beer: Breckenridge Barrel-aged Imperial Cherry Stout Music credits: Opening Theme: Little Black Book [The Writings of the Seal] by DarkeSwordClosing Theme: Boss Key [Clash on the Big Bridge; Supreme Lord Exdeath] by Norg Find these at OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris go bang zoom right to the moon, then back down again, then through a giant's digestive tract, then back to the moon, then into the moon, then into a bottle. This week's beer: Brewery Ommegang Valar Morghulis Music credits: Opening Theme: OMFG! GET OUT OF THERE!!! (Run!) by Cyril the WolfClosing Theme: Treason (Battle with the Four Fiends) by Kidd Cabbage Find these at OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris break a little girl's dolls AND swipe her necklace, beat an injured friend about the head with a frying pan, and celebrate the meteoric rise of Jake Guentzel. This week's beer: East End Big Hop Music credits: Opening Theme: OMFG! GET OUT OF THERE!!! (Run!) by Cyril the WolfClosing Theme: Treason (Battle with the Four Fiends) by Kidd CabbageInterstital Poetry Slam Bongo Beat: Gemini Salsa by McVaff Find these at OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris put down three out of four fiends, shed pounds quickly and easily (by ditching all the metal) and celebrate a deep cut from ELO's Time album. This week's beer: Erie Railbender Scottish-style Ale Music credits: Opening Theme: OMFG! GET OUT OF THERE!!! (Run!) by Cyril the WolfClosing Theme: Treason (Battle with the Four Fiends) by Kidd Cabbage Find these at OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris get volunteered for a trap^H^H^H^Hdelivery mission, Animal Crossing of all things gets name-checked, and a Gordon Lightfoot classic gets repurposed into a dig on Alexander Ovechkin. This week's beer: Ballast Point Unfiltered Sculpin Extra Hopped India Pale Ale Music credits: Opening Theme: OMFG! GET OUT OF THERE!!! (Run!) by Cyril the WolfClosing Theme: Treason (Battle with the Four Fiends) by Kidd Cabbage Find these at OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris wax nostalgic (or not), Tj names 16-bit games he likes for a period of time for whatever reason, and Chris breaks down the etymology of "spoony." This week's beer: Spoonwood + Apis Beard of Bees Music credits: Opening Theme: OMFG! GET OUT OF THERE!!! (Run!) by Cyril the WolfClosing Theme: Treason (Battle with the Four Fiends) by Kidd Cabbage Find these at OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris are implicated in the deaths of two old people (kinda), realize just how much of this game Shigesato Itoi bit while writing EarthBound, and see if strange women lying in vortices distributing beatings are any basis for a system of government. This week's beer: Full Pint Gus IPA Music credits: Into the Crystal Cave (FFIII OST) by Nobuo UematsuWinds of Eternity (Eternal Wind) by Avien

Wherein Tj and Chris pay off their parking tickets and get their airship unbooted, immediately total said vehicle because isn't that how it always works, and mother. ****ing. Garuda. This week's beer: Elysian Space Dust IPA Music credits: Into the Crystal Cave (FFIII OST) by Nobuo UematsuWinds of Eternity (Eternal Wind) by Avien Find the latter at OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris get their Frog on, get clubbed in the back of the head, and get controversial about how to explain why these Final Fantasy games are full of orphans. This week's beer: Stone Arrogant Bastard Ale Music credits: Into the Crystal Cave (FFIII OST) by Nobuo UematsuWinds of Eternity (Eternal Wind) by Avien Find the latter at OCRemix.org!    

Wherein Tj and Chris AAAAGH A HOLE, airships naturally attract rebellious pugilist girls, and we're circumnavigating the world on chocoboback two games before it was popular. This week's beer: Southern Tier Thick Mint Music credits: Into the Crystal Cave (FFIII OST) by Nobuo UematsuWinds of Eternity (Eternal Wind) by Avien Find the latter at OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris realize that they really don't have the foggiest idea what they're getting themselves into. Like, literally. There are four characters! There are jobs! There is floundering! Beer is consumed! This week's beer: Wittekerke Belgian Wit Music credits: Into the Crystal Cave (FFIII OST) by Nobuo UematsuWinds of Eternity (Eternal Wind) by Avien Find the latter at OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris ACTUALLY FINISH FINAL FANTASY II. LIKE, FOR REALS. And then they gripe about this thing they just did, and how many ways they (intentionally and unintentionally) broke this game like a Browns fan's hope in August. This week's beer: Flying Dog Lucky SOB Irish Red Ale Music credits: Firion N Maria (Will Take You to the Rebels) [The Rebel Army] by PrototypeRaptorCastellum Infernum [Castle Pandemonium] by Brandon Strader Find these tracks on the Final Fantasy II: Rebellion album at OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris flagellate themselves in memory of two more fallen rebels, we wonder just why this Leviathan swallowed an entire Ikea, and apparently 250 is a ridiculously low amount of HP for Maria at this point. Who knew? This week's beer: Fat Head's Hop Juju Imperial IPA Music credits: Firion N Maria (Will Take You to the Rebels) [The Rebel Army] by PrototypeRaptorCastellum Infernum [Castle Pandemonium] by Brandon Strader Find these tracks on the Final Fantasy II: Rebellion album at OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris argue about what the hell to call this big brick building, Suddenly Hill Gigas, and cue the Barry White music when the Princess gets a little frisky. This week's beer: 307 Ale Music credits: Firion N Maria (Will Take You to the Rebels) [The Rebel Army] by PrototypeRaptorCastellum Infernum [Castle Pandemonium] by Brandon StraderSpecial Bonus Incidental music: Judgement-Funkadelic by Charles Ritz, David Peacock, DrumUltimA, Dutcher Snedeker, Fredrik Häthén, Marc Papeghin, Nuri Tett, sschafi1, and Thennecan. Find (some of) these tracks on the Final Fantasy II: Rebellion album at OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris flagellate themselves in memory of two fallen rebels, Tj falls victim to sub-standard backward compatability, and that's why we call him Greg. This week's beer: Breckenridge Vanilla Porter Music credits: Firion N Maria (Will Take You to the Rebels) [The Rebel Army] by PrototypeRaptorCastellum Infernum [Castle Pandemonium] by Brandon Strader Find these tracks on the Final Fantasy II: Rebellion album at OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris stare down their fate: a red-jumpsuited superhero, goofy grin on his face, beating himself about the head and neck with mallets. Altana help us all.This week's beer: Goose Island Festivity Ale Music credits: Firion N Maria (Will Take You to the Rebels) [The Rebel Army] by PrototypeRaptorCastellum Infernum [Castle Pandemonium] by Brandon Strader Find these tracks on the Final Fantasy II: Rebellion album at OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris learn that "polyglot" isn't just a badass Scrabble word, assemble a bellcube, shred a lute solo, and end Chaos as ordained by the destiny that they just rendered null and void. This week's beer: Ellicottville Brewing Co. Stainless Steel IPA Tweet us @turtlespodcast, or email your own comments at turtlesparadise@meatdimension.com Music credits: Opening: Secrets Abound [Motoya's Cave] by Midgarian Sky Closing: The Caerulean Ruins [Chaos Temple] by M-H Enjoy both of these tracks on OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris take it all kinds of easy with the Class Changes and the Water Templeshrine. Record Keeper comes up for a time; be warned. Myron Cope comes up for a time; be warned. This week's beer: Reamer Drive Boozery Blazblueberry Tweet us @turtlespodcast, or email your own comments at turtlesparadise@meatdimension.com Music credits: Opening: Secrets Abound [Motoya's Cave] by Midgarian Sky Closing: The Caerulean Ruins [Chaos Temple] by M-H Enjoy both of these tracks on OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris take on the Terra Cave (easycakes) twice (still easy). Gulg(?) Volcano (THE FLOOR IS LAVA), and the (*@$#!) Ice (*@$#!) Cave (*@$#!). This week's beer: Terrapin Hopsecutioner (because that totally looks like a Tonberry, trust us) Tweet us @turtlespodcast, or email your own comments at turtlesparadise@meatdimension.com Music credits: Opening: Secrets Abound [Motoya's Cave] by Midgarian Sky Closing: The Caerulean Ruins [Chaos Temple] by M-H Enjoy both of these tracks on OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris outline their parties, Tj gets schooled on the Peninsula of Power, and we backtrack a lot thanks to this freakin' key.This week's beer: Sam Smith's Organic Chocolate Stout Tweet us @turtlespodcast, or email your own comments at turtlesparadise@meatdimension.com Music credits: Opening: Secrets Abound [Motoya's Cave] by Midgarian Sky Closing: The Caerulean Ruins [Chaos Temple] by M-H Enjoy both of these tracks on OCRemix.org!

Wherein Tj and Chris introduce themselves, yammer about things, and occasionally mention Final Fantasy. Occasionally. This week's beer: Tröegs The Mad Elf Ale Tweet us @turtlespodcast, or email your own comments at turtlesparadise@meatdimension.com Music credits: Opening: Secrets Abound [Motoya's Cave] by Midgarian Sky Closing: The Caerulean Ruins [Chaos Temple] by M-H Enjoy both of these tracks on OCRemix.org!