Being Overtly Debbie Podcast

Introduction Growing up I had a terrible childhood. My father led by fear and terror, and it made our home a miserable place to be. Everyone was always on edge and very afraid. There was no two-way communication, he only barked orders and very little display of love. My father was extremely abusive, and in my home, I never experienced the luxury of being a child. So this episode is about how my children went from being entitled, spoiled little girls to labeling me as a "mean" mom. Download Episode When I became a mother, I wanted to give my kids everything I did not have growing up. Unlike my upbringing, I wanted theirs to be associated with fond memories, love, and great times. It was my goal to be the best mom I could be. I was everything and did everything for them. When they were young, it was great; they seem to appreciate everything I did. I would spend hours on end, running myself ragged, taking them to gymnastics, swim and soccer practices. Then, there were museums and play dates, vacations, and road trips, all done in the name of building great memories they could look back on when they were older. I wanted them to have great memories of me as a mother and of growing up. But as they approached pre-teens, then teens, I soon began to feel like I was doing too much and they were not doing enough. That I was giving all of me and they were not giving any of themselves. They had begun to expect everything but were not willing to give anything. Just a simple task of keeping their rooms clean or cleaning the kitchen without being asked became a weekly event of me reminding them to do so. Time to Change Course Yes, now they're in their teen years and I see the urgency to teach them life lessons; that life is not about always receiving, but you also have to give. Mom and dad are not responsible for doing everything while you sit back, reaping the benefits and contributing nothing. So the shift in their attitude from one of gratefulness to one of selfishness led me to have the talk with them. While talking, I told them they should not expect to be given everything from others without giving very little of themselves. I explained that as a family, we are a team and a team cannot be successful if all its players don't do their part. That to expect everything from your parents but not be willing to put in what little work you are responsible for is unacceptable. I felt like they were becoming way too entitled and that was the last thing I wanted for them to be. I wanted my children to understand that life is complicated and nothing comes easy without hard work. So as my words fell on deaf ears, I began to change my tactics in dealing with them. I was on a mission to no longer give tirelessly of myself without expecting the same from them. I made it clear to them that my going out of my way to do things for them would be solely based on their participation and efforts given both at home and school. So of course, this is how I started to "treat my children badly" because the spoiled children who wanted to receive everything they asked for, were now being held to a higher standard and viewed my husband and my expectations as punishment. Can you believe it, punishment? Now keep in mind, when I was growing up, Saturdays was clean the entire house day. Not only was I expected to clean my room, but my parent's room as well. Then, I had to turn around and wash, fold, and put away everyone's clothing, including my parents. Oh, and let's not forget I had to clean the kitchen without the help of a dishwasher. I was the dishwasher! My children have nowhere near the responsibilities my husband or I had growing up. All they have to do is clean their room, bathroom, and wash and fold their clothing and they are complaining! They don't even wash dishes, the dishwasher does that! So because I expected them to do their part I was no longer "nice." Then they have the nerve to mention allowance. Allowance! An allowance is for children who go above and beyond around the house. Merely cleaning what you are responsible for anyway, does not constitute an allowance. Conclusion As parents, it is our responsibility to let our children know our expectations of them. Don't assume they know what you need for them to do. Just as they expect us to protect, house, feed, and clothe them, they too must know what the rules of the home are, and what our requirements of them are as well. Lastly, you are not your kid's friend! I let my children know that I am 90% parent and 10% friend. As they age, get married, and have children the friendship will increase, but I am always their parent first. They know that I do not care if they are upset with me because my job is to parent them, not to worry about likes; leave the likes for their classmates. So if my children sometimes label me as "mean" or say I've "changed" because I refuse to raise spoiled and entitled daughters, then so be it! I have stopped giving more than I am receiving. There are no freebies in life; everyone has to earn what they get, and this lesson they too must learn.

  Today I pose the question, Is abuse cyclic? According to the dictionary, one of the definitions of cyclic is - occurring in cycles; regularly repeated.       Download Episode   Abuse of Others     While I do not believe that all victims of abuse inflict abuse onto other innocent people, I do know that many do enact various forms of maltreatment on the innocent or mistreat themselves. The self-hate one feels, often is redirected towards the people who are the closest to you. As re-offending pertains to maltreatment of others, the abuse can manifest itself in forms of :     1. Verbal/Emotional abuse - can be equally or more damaging as physical abuse because it is aimed to destroy how one feels about oneself.     2. Physical abuse - is used to keep one subservient to another or intimidate.     3. Abandonment - the abused victim cannot care for themselves much less another person, or they are afraid to get close, so they’d rather stay away.     One thing we must understand is that Abuse says more about the abuser than the victim; it echos, “I feel inadequate, I feel incomplete, I feel inferior, I am scared, and I need you to respect me even if I have to force you to.”     Self-Abuse     I find most people who were abuse more often abuse themselves than they do others. Some victims internalize the pain they feel by turning to substance abuse, alcohol, or prostitution. If not prostitution, they allow men to abuse their body by having numerous partners whose sole intention is to perpetuate the cycle of abuse.     In my situation, I abused myself by :     1. Allowing others to mistreat me - in the form of cheating, getting physical, and being verbally abusive towards     2. Mistreating myself - by dwelling in that place of sorrow, feeling unworthy of love, not feeling beautiful, feeling like I deserved less than or was born unlucky     3. Isolating self - I would rather be alone than have to deal with people’s foolishness. But while isolation made me feel safe and can be freeing, it robbed me of relationships and friendships.     4. Self-sabotage- Can be intentional or unintentional. In self-sabotage, carry yourself in a manner in which deter others from wanting to be in your presence, or you may fail to complete the steps necessary for positive growth and change.     Conclusion     In closing, I want anyone listening to know that while abuse can be cyclic, it does not have to be. The key to prevention is to recognize the signs and address them right away by implementing some form of intervention measures.     If you or someone you know has been the victim of abuse, seek help. Help does not have to be professional. You can tell your partner, family, or friends about what is happening and garner the support you need from them. I find that when people know your story, they are more inclined to be understanding and deliberate when dealing with you. Talking about abuse and not keeping it secret can also help a person not to become a perpetrator or inflict self-harm. Understanding that you are not to blame for your circumstance and that you are worthy of love is the first steps towards healing.  

As a victim of child abuse, I can say that the abuse has affected my life in many ways and so my first episode is about whether or not being a victim of abuse at a young age changes the person you were destined to be. Changes: Personality Socially Mentally I became who my abuser wanted me to be I changed because he manipulated me with fear and punishment. I became reclusive, desperate, shy, unworthy, unsure of herself. Don't forget to subscribe to our show, Youtube, Blog, Facebook, and Instagram!