Love is a Softball Field

It was a tough decision on how to move forward today - we are a white-centered podcast by virtue of having two white hosts. However, we have always been a podcast that has been trying to move our communities forward in social justice and so today we're trying to do our part in that. This is a surface level introduction to understanding white supremacy and its ongoing presence in this country and our (my, your, our) lives. We have been complicit by virtue of our whiteness. We have been benefiting from a system that is rigged in our favor. If that makes you uncomfortable, you are not alone, but I hope you listen anyway. And if you'd prefer to skip me talking (which I absolutely respect), skip to the last 15 minutes and I list some books and organizations I'm learning from and supporting.

Pretty Sure the title of the episode says it all this week.

In this EPIC conclusion to our EPIC two episode arc premiering this EPIC season, these two pals just keep talking like they always do. Annie’s rate of crying is at least THREE TIMES BIGGER than last week’s episode. In fact she just snuffles her way through this whole episode, but she also turns a lot of corners in her ability to stand up for herself and assert her boundaries. We are all proud of Ann Krabb as she becomes a real Ben Schmidt. Meanwhile. Maddie blissfully discusses her desirability on the LA market. A classic moment of solidarity for these two rising stars.

Season five opens with a brand new feature of LSF - Annie is an official (albeit temporary) resident of Los Angeles, fulfilling Maddie’s decade long dream of controlling Annie’s life. These two chia pets, growing and changing in the wind, are both the same and not: Annie’s been recently heartbroken and Maddie has suitors, but their attitudes and reactions to their scenarios are new and different. You know, like chia pets. Yeah. The metaphor definitely works. On this episode we catch up on what’s been going on during social distance time and what’s to come. Welcome back listeners.

Maddie and Annie spend the week in perfect domestic bliss together. There was a homemade ravioli, an explosive mess from Annie’s suitcase, and two viewings of Booksmart in 20 hours. Maddie and Annie worked HARD on their various professional endeavors and then had some well-deserved wind-down time with weed mints. After spending the night together, our two heroines immediately jump on Tinder for some high speed confidence boosting.

In this episode, two young women make contact with each other, and with what’s her name Foster. Maddie finally announces that she won’t be running for president. Annie talks at length about her book, and it’s a little bit like, “Enough already. I’ll buy a copy if you stop talking about it.” And that’s how the book became a bestseller.

In what is by far the silliest and least professional episode of this otherwise super serious series, Maddie and Annie record the rare hour they get to spend together in this world. Annie - 26, good build, dazzling green eyes, drives a stick shift - selflessly picks her best friend up from the airport at 11:30 pm (oh yes, ladies, she's single). As the night turns to morning, Annie and Maddie go deeper and deeper…into the heart of Novato. The many audio issues during this recording do not explain how dramatically different these two heroines’ vocal qualities are, which they shamelessly force you to witness when they sing a classic ballad mid episode. This episode will leave you feeling small next to this swirling ocean of love.

Look they can’t all be winners. This episode has no unifying theme, the prospects for a coherent description are bleak. This episode was just as weird for us to record as it probably was for you to listen to. Maddie realizes with one single glance in the mirror that she is undesirable, ogre-like, and definitely needs braces. How sad that she lived with the delusion that this wasn’t true for the last 27 years and 2 months. Glad we didn’t have to be the ones to tell her though. Meanwhile, Annie recounts her time on Broadway, where she once entered a kick line with her old pal Bette Midler. Oh my god you just have to listen to find out more about it.

This episode has more surprises more frequent than Maddie’s mucusy Bronchitis coughs. We begin with an unexpected appearance from Dr. Claire (she/her), who’s seen a lot of vaginas for a straight woman. Amid doctor talk Annie is forced to say the word clitoris out loud. Maddie coughs up the last of her heartbreak as she prepares for the new year with some inspiring fitness goals. Annie oversells how many sexual partners she has had; this probably caused the sudden uptick in her unearned confidence, which caused her to apply for a college teaching position via Twitter post.

Maddie and Annie do some deep digging on their tinder profiles and the ultimate conclusion is that we’ll both be making out with hot dogs this year. Maddie humble brags about her modeling career and Annie takes it upon herself to check Maddie’s ego. In the last episode of 2019, Maddie sends Annie off to her family wth a directive to wear her new Timberlands no matter how much her family bullies her. Meanwhile, cuffing season with Maddie’s family will leave her one of 9 people without a partner. As for this year on the pod, I’ll quote Karen Smith when I say, “that was the best it ever went!”

Maddie and her therapist get creative with their vulnerability exercises which results in a Grilled Cheese from the Great Beyond. Meanwhile, Annie recaps a night at Tofu Tofu, named twice because one Tofu wanted a friend. In the grand scheme of things, we’re all single soy products looking for our fellow single soy products; we’re all pieces of bread looking to adhere ourselves to another piece of a bread with a gooey, cheesy bond between us.

I wish it was Friday - my have a big ol’ cry day. Annie and Maddie do some deep healing as Maddie tries to figure out how to stop being the selfless Mother Teresa that she is. She’s off to a good start as she plays with a dog instead of listening to ANYTHING Annie says on this episode. As Annie speaks into the void about her ~emotional problems,~ Maddie chimes in only to go over Annie’s language use with a fine tooth comb. This is how we brush through the messy rats’ nests of our lives; that and we’re starting a band called The Tangles.

A cultural inquiry into the patriarchal structures that perpetuate the most disastrous of all romantic scenarios, aka The Lesbian Standoff. For the first time in four years, Maddie pays attention to the hard-won insights Annie has into being a single gay. For the first time in four years, Annie flushes the toilet on the podcast. It all started with an Adele CD, the world’s ugliest photo, and that pool party that you couldn’t invite Janis Ian to because there would be girls there in their bikinis.

Annie and Maddie stumble over their words in an obvious come down from the high of last week’s special guest, Miranda. It’s Maddie’s 27th birthday and we’re doing everything we can to show her how much we love her, including writing her a 5,000 word essay about how much we love her. We talk about friendship and unconditional love, and Annie’s face catches on lit.er.al. fire as we uncover the truth about a high school relationship. Is this a classic lesbian standoff? Will Annie and Maddie ever hug again? WHAT DOES IT MEAN? Like and subscribe to find out.

And then I thought to myself, what if gender is a construct? What if sex is just something the medical community is trying to hold up on a pedestal and force on people at birth? What if this saga in the West Village should be called Gender Identity and the City? What if that’s enough? Annie Krabbshaw and Samaddie Jones check in with their friend Miranda (they/them) to talk queerness, gender, coming out and more. Miranda is a gift to all that get to call them a friend, and an even greater force in the fight against the patriarchy. Charlotte didn’t come because I honestly forgot that fourth gal’s name until I looked it up on the internet.

…who shamelessly plugs herself at every opportunity, but is having a hard time getting a word in because her best friend can’t stop talking about a breakup that happened a whole four WEEKS ago. In this episode, watch as the beta gay tries to outmaneuver the alpha for air time - bragging about book length, reminiscing about glory days, and - oops, the alpha’s mom walked in to dominate the air waves in a well-deserved cameo. Game, set, match.

...who cried a river and recorded it for a wide audience. Our wonderful friend Maddie is still reeling in the aftermath of her breakup but she still finds a way to find gratitude, experience joy, and alienate all of our listeners by calling them homophobic (find out what you can do to convince her otherwise!). She’s doing so great, and is showering alone now, much to Annie’s great relief.

You’re used to hearing Annie ruminate on the women that done her wrong, but you, we, the world, are simply not prepared for the end of Maddie’s partnership. Annie and Maddie convene in California on the Krabbenschmidt sectional, exactly the same place where Maddie found Annie, crying over HER first heartbreak just 4 years ago. This is a whole new world for the LSF duo, reminding us that we are all, always, starting over; but this episode reminds us that through it all, Annie and Maddie love each other so immensely, and that’s gotta count for something one day.

Well, friends, Annie and Maddie are back to their usual antics. If it sounds like you’ve heard this episode before, it’s probably because life is a series of stops and starts, and we’re only in our twenties and we have no idea how to be functional humans. Maddie is back from the tour of a lifetime, and Annie is back from her brief time as a normal adult. There will be tales of music, art, self-loathing, and, you know it, heartbreak. Discovering the secret to balanced living is the designated story arc of this season; keep listening to KNOW THE TRUTH.

We end this season almost exactly as we began - talking tours and break ups. Maddie is set to embark on another month long journey opening for KT Tunstall, and she only has a mild case of neurotic fatalism. Meanwhile, Annie is FINE with her break up(s). She’s right back where she’s most comfortable - alone and proud. After starting this season with a dream of writing a book and wearing a suit, Annie ends this season right when her suit is ready and her book editor says, “we made the right choice.” Maddie is still happy with her girlfriend. Not much has changed there.

Maddie and Annie essentially went viral this week when a young listener shouted out LSF at the Los Angeles Book Fair. The dynamic duo is slowly making a dent on closing that estimated listeners gap that falls anywhere between 8 and 4000. Maddie finishes the music video to end all music videos that will bring any polly pocket pop lover to tears. Annie gets a positive performance review from her therapist. She’s doing fine.

Doing! Maddie tries to flex her softball muscles during a music video shoot and it looks like all those years of watching Dottie “Queen of Diamonds” Hinson did nothing for her. While baseball stardom is not something that lives inside Maddie, the inevitable future in which she is a professional musician is. I swear it’s not just Annie’s mom goggles. Annie bounces back after her break up and has a whole slew of dates lined up. Dates, in this case, meaning her deadlines for essays, not humans.

It’s April Fool’s and life is a sick prank. Annie suffers some setbacks in her personal life, but in this episode she shows some of the most inspiring vulnerability I’ve ever witnessed, making me prouder than ever to know her. I (Maddie - hi guys, it’s me!) respond eloquently by using the two most back-handed and offensive adjectives one can use to a friend in pain — I called her “so brave and interesting”. Am I doing this description thing right? Seriously, I feel so lucky to partner with Annie in podcast and in friendship. I’m awestruck by the way she is willing to open up about joy and pain with such honesty and insight. I think everyone will find this episode particularly touching and honest. Once we get through with all of that, Annie prepares for a new job helping LGBTQIA+ youth, I share some exciting news about my musical endeavors that momentarily eases my existential sense of doom, and we end with a sneak peek of a new song, premiering this Wednesday on Amplify Magazine and out on all streaming platforms Friday! It’s a miracle.

If you love Mother Blobbin you’ll love our special guest this week, Mother Blobbin. Robin earned this nickname for all the times she took young people under her wing. Whether she was forcing freshmen to go out and binge drink, or bringing them fast food and vomit receptacles the next morning, or, you know, driving around Durham with Annie for 6 hours a night while Annie tried to come out of the closet, Robin is grade A one of a kind.

Maddie tests out “The Bumble” and wants to know why anyone would want to peruse the “bottom feeders” that use apps. The distance between Annie and Maddie ensures that Annie won’t smack Maddie in the head for her ignorance on swiping left and right. Even though Maddie is happy in her relationship of five years (she has a girlfriend, a second girlfriend, and a father who brings her tea in bed), she wants more. Maddie wants a book club. Annie is using this description to distract from the story of her chirping, but let’s just say, “tweet tweet.”

Sorry dudes, we’re two ladies who are prepared to cut the length out of our lives. Maddie hates when her friends make reckless styling decisions, and now she’s disappointed in her favorite friend of all: herself. Panic sets in as she gets eleven inches of her hair chopped off, and she does her first ever mirror monologue asking herself “Am I Ugly?” One has to wonder why we do this show as an audio only project. Meanwhile, Annie gets fitted for a stylin’ suit and worries about her own desirability. How can she be as cool as James Bond when she’s only 5 feet tall?

While the political landscape is uncertain in 2020, one thing that Maddie is betting all her money on is a couple’s vacation next winter. Never mind that it’s only been one date. Let’s hope that Maddie’s enthusiasm doesn’t scare any of Annie’s potential love interests away! Kamala may be running, but so is every girl that Annie brings home to Maddie. Let’s also hope that she thinks this is a different Annie Krabbenschmidt!

This is a mid-quality audio recording of Annie's first ever reading. Maddie was there in spirit. Special shout out to Dead Rabbits Books for having me!

I heard her hair is insured to be fabulous by a wonderful greek orthodox hairdresser in Los Angeles. This week, Maddie grapples with ordering people around a photoshoot, Scheck throws a fit because she thought her girlfriend was going to look more like Regina George, and Annie silently munches on cacio e pepe to watch the drama unfold. You know what they say, always a second girlfriend never a girlfriend.

“Listen to your instincts,” our acting teachers tell us. “Walk around like a dinosaur, airplane that frat boy, ask the hip hemp lady about how to smoke a jizzy joint.” Don’t do any of that (especially not that last thing - it’s called a doob, Michael). Defund the arts. Burn it all down with your bright blue Bic lighter. Annie dives into a classic 40 degree summer day on a New York fire escape just as Maddie pledges to quit La Vie Boheme. This is the next chapter of two troll sisters overcoming their sibling jealousies.

“…she’s a writer, and she’s so fucking annoying … she’s constantly being like ‘wah I have writer’s block, oh my gosh I have a paid to-do, I’m just going to go out instead'‘… that’s definitely something to make sure not to be…basically this girl is just really annoying, she’s just constantly talking about how she’s a writer, and constantly talking how hard writing is.” This is our first caption by Maddie and also a direct quote from this episode.

Sometimes, after spending what feels like an eternity contorting yourself into uncomfortable positions and poses, it’s important to find a way to let a little air in, and then slowly let it out. Let us listen for the collective out breath. I am of course talking about the important psychological work it takes to reflect on the internalized homophobia that can continue to exist in our lives long after we come out. What did you think I was talking about? This is queer content, Q-U-E-E… (read more).

Because Lucky is dead and he couldn’t see it coming. Meanwhile, Annie’s love life is still tbd. Maddie needs some convincing to get back in therapy, but I’d like to make the case that paying eleven dollars for an eight ounce cup of matcha is a sign of psychosis. In her own fit of nervousness, Annie is up all night to get some new insight into her anxiety, much to Scheckel’s chagrin. It’s Annie’s first week back in her new hometown, New York, and it’s Maddie’s last week of freedom. or so she thought before she realized that she’s recording every day for the next two weeks. Ah the lives of a musical superstar and a shrew who can hold a pencil.

This is the story of the sly slippery slurper, who one Sunday silently slurped her soda while staring sullenly at her - and I’m done with this ruse. Maddie really loves to slurp her coke, but she’s willing to try a different way in the company of good friends. On this episode we talk about Maddie’s upcoming album and Annie’s new life as a fully self-aware writer. Neither one of them is getting paid for their art, but that doesn’t mean we can’t spend money on a good cactus slapping every once in a while.

Well, friends, we’re back. 2018 went by in the blink of no podcasts, but we’re here with completely new lives and the same old girlfriends. With a newfound dedication to our regularly scheduled programming, Maddie and Annie are going to be updating you on their lives, which are more exciting than ever. Here’s something new: this episode is live in the flesh, and it turns out Annie can’t handle the intimacy of direct eye contact. Get the low down on Maddie Ross’ US tour (around the entire country!!) and Annie Krabbenschmidt’s humble move (three states north!!).

HELLO LSF family!!!! Maddie here. How I've missed you! I'm incredibly excited to announce my new podcast, Everybody's Braindead. I love love love talking to Annie every single week, and we will definitely be doing more podding in the future, but I also wanted to share with you some of the cool conversations I have with people I've met here in LA. I try to interview the least braindead ones I can find. It would mean so much to me if you checked out my new podcast, and as an added incentive, my very first guest is our two and only: Annie Krab & Ben Schmidt. (

Sounds sophomoric, I know, but anything would be funnier than Annie's stand-up set this weekend. Maddie urges Annie to keep the artistic dream alive, even as Maddie, herself, allows her dream for a lucrative plant-sitting career to wilt and die. If this episode went a little over time, it's because Maddie has been living alone for the longest period of time in her entire life and Siri just doesn't quite understand her. 

woven complexly from fine virgin leg hair. Bear witness to the emotional process of losing one's leg cast. In another part of the world, Maddie celebrates love with other people who are also in love and it's just so great that everyone has love. I love it. 

Maddie has an awakening as a performer while Annie crashes and burns. Either way it's hot hot hot!

A group breath at the end of Shavasana of course! There's nothing explicit about these Oms folks! Maddie's encounter with a Facebook misogynist troll, on the other hand, is pretty f***ed up.

Maddie wakes up from a hot summer nap seeing rainbows, munchkins, and her dear Auntie Ann filling out magazine subscriptions left and right. Meanwhile, back in Topeka, Annie explores amateur film making as a sure sign of her impending quarter life crisis. 

Then you must not be talking about Annie or Maddie. Welcome back listeners! We're glad you're here because we really need someone to listen to us. Maddie talks the highs and lows of being a Billboard artist. Karma claps back at Annie for that time she overdramatized a toenail injury. A toenail for god's sake. 

If you assumed this title was a reference to Annie's lasting struggle with her international travel parasite, well, you'd be an attentive listener, but you'd be wrong. We learned more than we thought we would about porn this week. There's an award show and everything!

***Please note, that if you previously downloaded an episode 14, it might have had the wrong audio track, this duplicate is just for those that have automatic downloading turned on and might not have gotten the update*** You know what they say about assumptions. Listen as Maddie and Annie manage to offend basically every single person in America this week. Then we do the important work of calling ourselves out. Hopefully we'll manage to crawl out from under this rocks for next week's episode. 

Annie gains a window into the tender relationship between two sisters. We put Maddie's past traumas on the table and cut it open with a razor-edged scalpel. We talk about Mackie's wedding, Maddie's hypothetical wedding, and the dark hole in Annie's life where love used to live.

If you’ve felt betrayed by our constant plugging of various products, you’re going to feel damn right stabbed in the back when you realize this whole season has been long-form marketing scheme for our personal brands. Maddie releases her new single, “You’re Still My Sugar,” sponsored by LSF, which is still sponsored by the one and only Passion Planner. Phew thank god we can stop pretending to be podcasters or gay or even friends!

In times like this we remember a quintessential Mean Girls quote: "I don't hate you because you're fat; you're fat because I hate you." This podcast may have 600 followers now (based on unsophisticated data analysis), but Annie's convinced that no one likes her. Maddie makes Annie read aloud some really sad text messages about her cripplingly low self-esteem. Somehow we still find a way to laugh about it as we talk emotional breakdowns and Maddie provides the secret to emotional stability. You don't want to miss this ultimate nugget of wisdom so tune in!

Annie makes her first endorsement of the season: Frosted Mini Wheats. As a result, Annie spends the first 10 minutes of this episode crunching away in blissful ignorance while Maddie talks only to herself. When Annie rejoins the buzzing din of reality, Maddie questions her about her appropriate use of local gay bars.

Get more information than you knew you needed about matcha. When Maddie and Annie aren't proselytizing the good word about earthy beverages, they talk how classrooms might contribute to a heteronormative mindset. Don't worry, next week we get back to what's really important here: more matcha.

Fountains of Wayne gets a tasteful redux. Dawn makes a power grab for funniest woman on this podcast. This week we laugh at her hilarious use of stereotypes, next week we lie down on Freud's couch with cigarette smoke filling the room and talk about how our parents put us in a box.

Squeeze those buns, stretch those lungs and let's march! Maddie and Annie debrief Trump's first week in an incredibly long reflection of both the horrors and the hopes of this moment in history. If politics ain't your thing, or in this context, if basic human dignity ain't your thing, we've tacked on an extra 20 minutes at the end of this episode to lighten the mood.