What I Hate About Rachel

Welcome, newcomers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people and now you're gonna hear about it:- It’s not a stripper pole, it’s a Festivus pole.- Devil’s triangle or Jesus’s rhombus?- “Today in porn”- I hope you like raspberry muffins- Am I gay?- Describing analingus- You’re not a mom, you’re unemployed- Don’t fucking touch my shit- Infamous meal prep- Nobody wants to be Hufflepuff- Repeat after Scott: you are not an Uber driver- Tyrone and Gertrude are beefing again- #DonaldTrumpVoiceChallange- Bro-bots and Pill Cosby

In this week’s episode Rachel’s adult video habitats send Scott into a dark spiral of existential dread or as we call it.... Tuesday!:- My doctor told me to swallow.- So then, everybody is a heathen?- Nobody wanted to suck their own dick.- Avoidance of intimacy isn't fear.- Deaf camp.- Christmas shopping for myself.- Goodwill Queen.- Why do cats scream during sex?- Birds are rapists.- I think he knows he's ugly.- Mohawks: hair or people or both?- Repeat after me: I am not a street rat.- Sir, I never require Lube- Pro tip: don't pay, steal- Bro, I'm a girl!- You aren't Spanish.

This week's episode is sponsored by bleeps, blur censoring, and polka music. If we weren't on a terrorist watch-list before, we will be after this one... at least you know that is if the orangutan coated in Cheeto dust can manage to NOT SHUT DOWN THE *BLEEP*ing GOVERNMENT. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.Anyway, this is what these two *bleep*holes talked about this week in Episode 3…- Blow it in my face, you son of a bitch!- I already know he has 2 assholes.- Don’t put words in his penis.- It’s not breaking in if you stole a key- The cameras also know sign language- Dick, pussy vs. pussy, pussy- The more you say it, the less I believe it- Why is Portia DeRossi with a troll like Ellen?- Is he making a homemade prison pussy?- Empowering myself through hostility- The Asian reveal- Yeah, but I don’t WANT to be a narcissist- Is he fucking snoring?- Deaf people have more rights than me- Blueray mixtapes vs. vinyl- I can’t be mean to you if you’re asleep- I just thought men liked purses now- I’m not your fake boyfriend!- Humping Train; Whites only.- Caucasian induced hysteria- Suck this imaginary dick, Sheila- Sudden death- It’s not illegal to send pissed on panties to NJ- I’m laughing because you’re crying- But I don’t wanna see a man’s feet above his head- Finger bang- Baby mama bullshit

This episode is sponsored by Mimosas or as the French call them “Really? You’re so much of an alcoholic that you can’t have ORANGE JUICE without alcohol, Karen?!?”…… Ummm anyway here are todays topics:- GIF vs. JIF- Where’s my fucking omelette, bitch?- Orange jizz.- Asians, metric system…- Is someone peeing?- Keep your face outta my vagina.- Is that a marble in your vagina or are you just sad to see me?- One pick? Small dick!- I should have been born a sidechick.- Are you my mother? Oh shit. Then where tf is my fucking mom?- White mom problems or white mom emotionally free to do whatever tf you want lifestyle?- Bad southern accents and the devil’s cunnilingus.- Chicks with dicks are stealing souls out here and I like it.- Smooth dick heads.- Lets rub some bellies.- Why didn’t anyone congratulate my fake marriage?- FUPA- I’m not putting my period blood in your food, dude.- You ready for the paaaaaain?- That Ike Turner meme isn’t working in your favor.- One pussy pic for them all- Don’t fuck my foot stool- So is we chomping this dick off or what?

Starting off slow is not in the cards today as we tackle the world’s most pressing recent issues:- The bible; Incest or nah?- Waiting; Are our friends and family REALLY worth it?- Saying God Bless you? More like saying “God, oppress ME”- Was Jesus a party animal or just another sad mammal?- Brothers have the most germs…- Is it Squishpuss or is it an impending break-up or is it both?- Doing mom stuff the right way.- But aren’t jeans just long-sleeved panties anyway?- Stop pre-gaming your “you’re welcome”s.- Emotional attack of the old white women.- Comparing sisterly boobs.- Am I unknowingly running a youth hostel out of my car?- Split personalities.