Sweet Valley Highnesses

Happy Dia De Los Muertos! In the spirit of this celebration, where the veil between two worlds is lifted, join us as we dive in on the summer classic "Malibu Summer" even though it is now mid-fall and this book is definitely not a classic. Jess has decided that she needs Liz to spend the summer baby-sitting in Malibu with her because she is afraid to spend more than two seconds alone. Ol' Flat Face Lila Fowler is also there, leering at men she thinks are 45 but who are in fact, 15. The entire thing ends with an old Western-style flash flood endangering the life of a possessed child and a crazed stalker swinging around a knife. We don't know how we got here, either. But it is all definitely very spooky! If you enjoyed the episode, please leave us a *glowing* 5-star review on Apple Podcasts and subscribe and tell your friends, we promise we will love you foreva-eva! Follow us on IG & Twitter: @SVHighPodcast www.SweetValleyPodcast.com Some more reading on Billionaire's Beach AKA the beach we are certain Liz is sleeping with one eye open on: https://laist.com/2015/07/06/billionaires_beach_access.php

Welcome to Book 24, “Memories” wherein we witness the return of loose cannon and former teen druggie of Sweet Valley Betsy Martin! Betsy wants Steven Wakefield to hang out with her all the time and reminisce over the death of her sister/Steven’s-former-teen-lover-with-leukemia, Tricia. Jess combats the untimely return of her own personal Bitch Eating Crackers by attempting to push Cara Walker onto Steven despite the fact that he prefers to spend his days staring at the endless stream of creepy hand drawn portraits Betsy keeps gifting him of Tricia. In the B Plot, Liz is suffering from Baader-Meinhof syndrome and thinking she sees Todd everywhere. Turns out, it’s not Todd, but it IS another mega-douche dude who falls for some sort of Twin Trickery Volleyball Move at a charity volleyball tournament before never being mentioned in this universe again! And somewhere in there, Jess is trying to become a movie star. (It doesn’t go as planned.) Is Hunter Biden your own personal Bitch Eating Crackers? Hit us up and let us know! And don’t forget to please rate, subscribe and leave us a *nice nice nice* review on Apple Podcasts. xo! FOLLOW US on IG: www.instagram.com/svhighpodcast TWITTER: twitter.com/SVHighPodcast EMAIL: SVHighPodcast@gmail.com www.SweetValleyPodcast.com

It's time for Book 23, “Say Good-bye” where before Todd leaves Sweet Valley forever, he tries on some Sister Wives bullshit. Jasmine is ecstatic! But Liz is sad, and deals with it by acting like a crazed early 2000’s N*Sync fan slash one of the letter-writing obsessed characters from The Notebook before rebounding hard with an inappropriately older man in the tech industry. Over in the B plot, Jess is working at a dating service agency in order to pay back her parents for going nuts on their store account at Lisette’s. She deals with her office boredom by using the second computer to exist in Sweet Valley to try to turn Steven into a cub for cougars but the real story is that Jess has the hots for her brothers washboard abs and we want to hang out with her badass 27-year-old boss, Mary Ann. In this episode you will learn the following highly nonessential information: the shape of the notebook Jess uses at work, what a “hometown honey” is, and the definition of the word “regatta” so that you may attend any fancy sailing event with ease as if you totally belong there. Have you ever set your sibling up with someone super rich so that you could tangentially benefit from their wealth? Hit us up and let us know. And if you haven’t, make it up to us by rating, subscribing and leaving us a *glowing* review on Apple Podcasts. xo! FOLLOW US on IG: www.instagram.com/svhighpodcast TWITTER: https://twitter.com/SVHighPodcast EMAIL: SVHighPodcast@gmail.com www.SweetValleyPodcast.com Buy tickets to see Producer Candace perform at Splash House in JUNE in Palm Springs HERE: https://www.splashhouse.com/tickets/

Welcome to Book #22, wherein another teen who hasn't received their anti-dickmitization/HPV vaccine is doing the most and by doing the most we of course mean being a cringe-monster. DeeDee, a 2-D stand-in for Enid, is having trouble processing her parents divorce and decides the best way to cope with her core wound is to smother her chill boyfriend Bill with affection. Bill is highly not into it. Liz enlists herself in their problems in order to take credit for helping someone, while rolling her eyes the entire time. Meanwhile, Lila encourages Jess to make a dumb mistake for what we're pretty sure is just her own personal amusement and Toxic Masculinity Todd decides to try his hand at stand-up comedy. Yes, you read that right. Frankly, we're surprised he didn't get a network deal in the 80's. If you liked this episode, please rate and leave us a review on Apple podcasts! Follow us on Twitter and IG! We are @SVHighPodcast on both and want to know YOUR FMK for this ep.

There's a lot going on in this book, and none of it has anything to do with the proper usage of the term "double jeopardy." There's a blonde man in a white trans am, which to some of you may sound like a dream but in this situation, the vibe is more Ted Bundy than Whitesnake. In a peak Woman in Fridge moment, there's a brand-new female character who is killed before we meet her and who's murder then becomes the basis for the entire plot. And all this while the twins are interning at the Sweet Valley News, where there's less fact checking going on than at a YouTube conspiracy "channel." Despite witnessing the transport of a dead woman's body, Jess remains focused on her #1 goal of gettin' it in with a reporter we like to call Hot Seth, who becomes so dickmatized by her that he nearly throws his entire professional career straight in the toilet. Also, the Wakefield's pet dog is named Prince Albert, so there's that, too. Play Fuck, Marry Kill with us on Twitter: @SVHighPodcast Follow us on IG!: @SVHighPodcast www.sweetvalleypodcast.com

Do you hate the feeling of wet jorts, internalized misogyny and the normalization of the male gaze upon teen girls? Do you love crying underwater, intergenerational family dramz and haunted gingerbread gazebos with portals to other dimensions? Well then BOY OH BOY, do we have a Sweet Valley High book for you! In Book 21, "RUNAWAY," Jess decides she's totally over her family treating her like a trash panda who keeps knocking over their garbage bins and devises a plan to run away to San Fran (and possibly join a crime syndicate?) with her sensitive new sweetie Nicky Shepard, a young man who sometimes drinks beer. Quelle horreur! Meanwhile, over in the other story, Worst Dad Ned breaks attorney-client privilege when he encourages Liz to exploit the pain of her friends harrowing custody battle in an attempt to further her own career by writing an article for the local newspaper. Will the Wakefields wake the FUCK up and realize their bb girl needs some attention STAT before she leaves them for the mean streets of early 80's San Fran forever? Will Liz somehow doublespeak her way out of having anybody hold her accountable for her actions that caused them a world of pain? LISTENING TO THIS EP RIGHT NOW IS THE ONLY WAY YOU'LL EVER FIND OUT! Follow us on Twitter and IG: @SVHighPodcast so we can all play FUCK, MARRY, KILL together! Links to both of those things are available on our website: www.sweetvalleypodcast.com

On this ep we're talkin' Sweet Valley High, book #20, "CRASH LANDING!" You expect high drama when there's an exclamation point in the title, and man oh man, this book does not disappoint. Everyone's favorite sidekick, Enid Rollins, realizes her boyfriend, George Warren, has a sidechick after their plane crashes and her legs stop working. Liz struggles with keeping it real with her BFF (what else is new) while Jess and Ol' Flat Face Lila Fowler pair up to take a cooking class, giving us some some good old-fashioned Hot French Chef romantic shenanigans. Is this entire series is actually a medical-grade edible induced hallucination from Olivia while she sits upon the shores of Secca Lake one afternoon? You'll have to listen to find out! Follow us on IG and Twitter: @SVHighPodcast and play FMK with us and don't forget to check out our website: www.sweetvalleypodcast.com

Sweet Valley High, Book #19, "SHOWDOWN" is all about Ol' Flat Face Lila Fowler and Never-Not-Dickmatized Jess Wakefield duking it out for a dude with Teenage Robert Durst vibes who is clearly lying to them every time he opens his mouth. This episode is vital if you're curious about Big Dick Energy vs. Small Dick Energy and/or need help identifying lying psychopaths (spoiler alert: it's always the guy who wants to name a star after you). In the B story, Liz reminds us of how the 80's were a horrible time for Toxic Masculinity and ALSO doesn't even call out her best friend's man for cheating on her due to her crippling need to have everyone love her at all times. Sidenote: why isn't any one questioning this program at Sweet Valley High to train teenagers to fly airplanes? Thanks for listening! If you like what you hear, please subscribe and leave us a pandering review. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram @SVHighPodcast and let us know your favorite water skiing trick!

Original Fuckboi Bruce Patman has fallen head over heels (GET IT?) for beautiful, rich, and pale Regina Morrow. Regina has it all... EXCEPT FOR HER HEARING. Because she's deaf, you guys. OR IS SHE?! Well, you'll just have to listen to this episode or fly to Switzerland to find out! (You'll also have to listen to discover the significance of Switzerland in that reference.) Over in the B Plot, Liz collects accolades for doing nothing and claiming to be organizing a school carnival to raise money for "handicapped children." Don't worry - the phrase makes us uncomfortable, too. Jessica and Ol' Flat Face Lila Fowler set up a really dumb bet, OFFLF meets a hottie construction worker and is convinced he's secretly a high-powered prince moonlighting as a day laborer because she's elitist trash and we've come up with a new nickname/way to troll fictional character who incites rage in us, OG Nice Guy Winston Egbert. FOLLOW US on IG and Twitter: @SVHighPodcast and leave a review but, honestly, only do it if you like, super love us.

We're discussing Sweet Valley High, Book #17, "Love Letters," the chronicles of Queen of Chisme Caroline Peace: her self-catfishing techniques, her failed attempt to start a Dead Poet's Society in SVH, her successful attempt to dig through the Wakefield's trash, and her body-shaming older sister. Meanwhile, over in the B-plot, Liz is trying to win a playwriting competition using the romance of Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning as inspo... wondering if the two plots will COLLIDE? Then listen to this THRILLING EPISODE! Do it or you may never know what food and/or country Ned Wakefield is allergic to. Please leave us a nice rating and review if you enjoyed the episode! You can also follow us on Twitter and Instagram! We wanna GET TA KNOW YA! We are @SVHighPodcast on both!

HOE-HOE-HOE! We have a special CHRISTMAS SURPRISE 4 U ALL!!! Welcome to Sweet Valley Highnesses Presents: Special Christmas Christmas Special!! We made this BONUS CHRISTMAS EPI 4 U ALL (MOM) 'N TALKED ABOUT SWEET VALLEY HIGH SUPER EDITION #2, "SPECIAL CHRISTMAS" 2 GET U IN DA MOOD 4 X-MAS. SPOILER ALERT: IT'S NOT GREAT! Jasmine gave it a 2, Vanessa gave it a pity 4.5 (a real-life -2), & Producer Candace doesn't know what we're talking about. TBH, neither do we. STRAP INTO YOUR LIME GREEN TRIUMPH AND TRICK YOUR BFF INTO WEARING A TRASH BAG IN PUBLIC BECAUSE THIS EPISODE IS MERRY AF!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS U HOES!

Tune in while we discuss Sweet Valley High, Book #16, "Rags to Riches," wherein teenage janitor-orphan Roger discovers he's the bastard son and sole heir of a now-dead millionaire. Naturally, a brand new rich dude in town means Jess is scheming to get her teenage gold-digger hands on some of that cold hard cash. Will she succeed or will she fail and get her ass handed to her in a public way, but still show up to the ostentatious party at the country club? (C'mon guys, you know which one it is.) Also and Todd is being a concern troll and we f'ing hate him. UGH, TODD! Leave us a review below, and/or let us know how many times you'd ask for a refill on the weird breadbasket by following us on Twitter @SVHighPodcast (we mostly wanna talk about bread).

Van & Jas are back and talking about Sweet Valley High, Book #15, "Promises" wherein Betsy Martin, a teenager with an unspecified substance abuse problem and an artistic gift, moves in with the Wakefields in order to help Steven keep a deathbed promise made to his leukemia-stricken girlfriend, who was also Betsy's sister! Naturally, Jess is worried. Worried about how this will impact her social standing. Please subscribe and rate our podcast, but only if you're very nice and love it! Follow us on Instagram and Twitter @SVHighPodcast and let us know what you'd order at the Shady Lady. (If it's a rum and coke, please grow up.)

Join us, your hosts, noted (not really) sisters (yes, really) Vanessa and Jasmine as we discuss Sweet Valley High #14, "Deceptions." We examine Liz's inability to deal with her PTSD from being kidnapped, why Nicholas is acting like a contestant on The Bachelor, and whether or not adults are sneaking into Sweet Valley High to steal copies of the student newspaper. Follow us on Twitter @SVHighPodcast and let us know what you think of Liz's nail polish collection.

We discuss Sweet Valley High, Book 13: Kidnapped! One of our favorite twins is kidnapped! this week. Meanwhile, the OTHER twin sets her sights on her latest goldigging mark and a tangential character frets over whether he'll pass English and hates on Shakespeare.

The VERY first episode of Sweet Valley Highnesses!  The podcast about Sweet Valley High everyone (or maybe no one) has been dying for.   We let you know who tf we are, talk to our listeners about our favorite books from the series, our goals for the show, play some SVH trivia, and discuss who we think would make perf modern day members of Phi Beta Alpha.   Read along with us as we revisit this equal parts trashy and beloved YA series from the 80's and 90's. Follow us on Twitter: @SVHighPodcast Email us your thoughts on the problematic Suzanne Devlin: SVHighPodcast@gmail.com