Phoning It In

All I can think about is this stupid ukulele.

Why would you hang up on a werewolf like that?

So a werewolf walks in to a job interview…

Maybe I should sell oysters.

Perhaps I’ll join the circus.

I’m in the tubes!

Why am I always the cheap option?

This is why I can’t do nice things.

I’m not freaking out just yet.

I have some new problems of my own to think about.

We’re on a summertime schedule.

Yes, I took a week off. Sorry.

“I want to pick up that kitty and bring him in the house,” said someone who is not me.

A bittersweet end to a large experiment.

Happy last day of kindergarten!

The car saga is over.

The car saga continues.

I’m boycotting this holiday.

It’s Crazy Hair Day!

You look 8 years younger today.

Here are some things you can do for me today.

I can mail it to you if you want.

We’re double-booked on birthday parties this week.

When it gets too big, it’s terrifying.

Wake up, it’s time for kindergarten!

Who kicked me in the face?

I hope you appreciate this.

I have to draw the line somewhere.

This is going on my permanent record.

Let’s not turn this into a racial thing.

I need 30 percent more sleep.

I have some sleep tips for you.

I am more responsible than a 20 year old!

I just wanted to talk to you about my mustache.

I am trying to smell good.

We have to be on time for the field trip.

That guy looks like me, if I did exercise.

My skin is covered with water and mud and sun.

Solving problems, two hours at a time.

I am a ball of (stressed and irritable) energy.

How’s that mattress working out? (Note: Kyle is grumpy today and hopes to be less cranky/judgey tomorrow.)

In search of a comfortable mattress.

Everything is more annoying when you’re sick.

I dreamed this thing and then it got erased from my actual brain.

The big confrontations never play out the way you expect them to.

I am not qualified to be a motivational speaker.

Pass the neurotoxins!

Breathe in the glory of the mighty Volkswagen beetle.

Let’s start with a traffic update.

Lost in a sea of car garbage. Also, details from my morning shopping trip.