Mountebank History of Scotland

James Graham, the Marquis of Montrose, the 'Great Montrose' won a series of brilliant, almost impossible victories over the Covenanters in 1644-45 that is remembered as the 'Year of Miracles'. Such a run of near impossible victories wouldn't be seen again in British history until Leicester won the league in 2016. Montrose fought to make himself 'Master of Scotland' but like Alex Salmond it all came crashing down around him, not because he was 'grabby' or anything, his Royalist cause lost support and unlike Ruth Davidson he didn't have a peerage in the House of Lords to fall back on now he wasn't as popular in Scotland. 

When civil war broke out in England in 1642 both the English Parliamentarians and Royalists petitioned the Scots Covenanters for their support. The Covenanters had the strongest army across all three kingdoms, they had defeated the Royalist forces of Charles I with remarkable ease in the Bishop Wars of 1639/40. The Covenanters may have been miserable bastards but they were also very successful - like Andy Murray.

Charles I tried desperately to assimilate the Scottish Presbyterian kirk with the English Anglican church, when he introduced a new Common Prayer Book to Scotland in 1637 an Edinburgh woman called Jenny Geddes famously reacted by throwing her stool at the Dean of St Giles Cathedral's head - by stool I mean what she was sat on, she wasn't throwing handfuls of shite at the guy. The result of Charles's constant meddling in Scotland's religion was the National Covenant signed at Greyfriars Kirkyard in Edinburgh in February 1638, the Covenant was sent around the country and pretty soon acquired more signatures than is required to send something to the EU post-Brexit

Queen Elizabeth I died in the early hours of the 29th of March 1603 having resolutely refused to name an heir, to marry, or to attempt to conceive an heir. It meant the famed Tudor dynasty came to an end in the hands of a pasty-white, red-headed-leader - just like the end of Celtic’s dynasty, except where Elizabeth refused to be pumped Neil Lennon was quite happy to get pumped every other weekend. Elizabeth’s death meant James inherited her throne and became James VI of Scotland and James I of England and Ireland, the first monarch to rule over the entire British Isles.

James obsession with sorcery, witchcraft, and satanism would lead to thousands of innocent, predominantly women, being tried, tortured, and executed as witches. Thousands suffered because of one man's obsession, one insipid, sweaty, balding, misogynistic, xenophobic, orange, small-handed, pussy-grabbing, prick of a king - but it's very difficult to put in any kind of 21st century context

James was given a vigorous education as a child, he was being raised to be an 'Exemplary Protestant Leader' - which is what Arlene Foster has printed on her business cards. James was a child genius and probably the most intelligent world leader until Donald Trump, and like Donald Trump he too was in love with a family member, not his daughter but a Stuart cousin Esme Stuart. Esme Stuart was a dashing Frenchman in his 30's and James a 13-year-old boy king, it was an age gap even Rod Stewart would have found inappropriate

Mary was beheaded at Fotheringhay Castle in Northamptonshire on the 8th of February 1587. The English went and beheaded our queen, and since they got to behead our queen it's only fair we should get to behead their's - head for a head and all that. Mary was found guilty of 'imagining diverse matters tending to the death and destruction of the queen of England', if they executed Mary for 'imagining' the queen's death then Meghan Markle is in real bother.....

By the time of Mary’s ‘escape’ to England in May 1568 both her mother and father were dead, she had two dead husbands, she ruled over a country that had changed its religious and political structures overnight, was berated by angry Protestants, put down a rebellion by her brother, witnessed the horrific murder of her secretary, was imprisoned and escaped, won back her kingdom, married the man responsible for killing her husband, was kidnapped, sexually assaulted, imprisoned, miscarried twins, abdicated her throne, escaped again, almost won her kingdom back, then fled to an English relative who had her locked up and murdered – she was like every Eastenders Christmas special rolled into one

Mary's second husband Lord Henry Darnley was a vindictive, alcoholic, spiteful, womanising, pig-f*cker he had all the necessary attributes to become Prime Minister but it also meant he had a lot of enemies. There were plenty in the Scottish nobility with motive to want Darnley dead, his murder in the Scottish Gunpowder Plot in February 1567 is Scottish history's biggest 'who dunnit?'  *note to English listeners, when we do a gunpowder plot here in Scotland we make sure the guy actually dies

John Knox was Scotland's most miserable man before Sir Andy Murray. He was a middle-aged, extreme-Protestant, who despised the charismatic female ruler of Scotland - like your uncle on Facebook - and was one of the leading figures in the 'Reformation'. We were always destined to be Protestants in Scotland, Scottish people will choose 'grey misery' over 'over-the-top showiness' every time. The reformation meant that when Mary returned to Scotland in 1561 she did so as a Catholic Queen in charge of a newly Protestant country.

The Rough Wooings aren't just Alex Salmond's idea of flirting, they were also a series of punitive raids launched by England's 'ultra gammon' monarch Henry VIII to try and force Scotland into a marriage pact using intimidation and violence, 'Phil Mitchell style'

After 20 episodes and a thousand years of Scottish history Mountebank is taking a wee break. I will be back in no time at all with my episodes on Mary Queen of Scots, in the meantime please continue to nominate deserving folk to receive bottles and whisky and mind and leave me a wee bit of money on 'Buy Me a Coffee' so I can buy them :)

James V was the greatest patron of renaissance architecture in Scotland, he loved beautiful paintings, beautiful buildings, beautiful poetry but also loved tying people to barrels of tar and burning them alive; he's Scotland's Hannibal Lecter - he didn't eat them unless they were deep-fat fried   

James IV was Scotland's renaissance king and by far the most popular of the seven king James of Scotland, just like the Rocky Franchise; although James IV didn't defeat his enemy, in fact he died spectacularly so I suppose he's probably more like Apollo Creed

James III is arguably the worst of all the Stewart monarchs which is really saying something, that’s like being the most incompetent member of Boris Johnson's cabinet, no mean feat.

James II was a king with a deep fascination, an obsession, with cannons and heavy artillery who was ultimately killed by one of his own cannons - so just like every American who buys a gun to 'protect their family' then ends up getting shot by their toddler.

James I is the most enigmatic of Stewart monarchs, no one seems to able to decide if he was utterly brilliant or utterly shite - he was the 15th century's 'Gerry Cinnamon'

Robert II despite being well past his best when he became king Robert II continued to tour Scotland until he was 74 years old, he had 20 children through two marriages, and was for all intent purposes utter shite - Rod Stewart has very much modelled his career on that of 'Rod II'. His successor Robert III considered himself to be the worst king Scotland has ever had, his dying wish was that he be buried in a midden so they did the next best thing and buried him in Paisley.

David II was the son of Robert The Bruce and that's a lot of pressure, they are some seriously big boots to fill - it's a bit like how Sir Alex Ferguson's son is a football manager, your dad is the most successful, the most famous and instantly recognisable Scottish king of all time and you're managing Peterborough United or whatever Gammon town in England Darren Ferguson is the manager of. 

The Declaration of Arbroath was affirmed at Arboarth Abbey on the 6th of April 1320. The Declaration decreed that should the king be deemed to be an ineffectual leader then his subjects had the right to replace him - this was back in the days when being a complete  f*ck head was seen as being undesirable in a leader, unlike now where it is a necessary attribute to become leader of the 'free world' 

The Battle of Bannockburn fought on the 24th of June 1314 was an incredible victory for the Scots army led by Robert Bruce against the superior English forces of Edward II. It made the scores Scotland one - England a miiiiiiiillion. By winning the battle of Bannockburn Robert Bruce secured his kingdom and effectively ensured the survival of Scotland as a nation. Bannockburn has remained Scotland's most impressive victory - or at least it was until James McFadden scored that goal at the Parc de Princes in 2007

Robert the Bruce was a king on the run after the shocking, sacrilegious murder of his rival John Comyn in a church in Dumfries - shocking because crimes committed in churches were supposed to be exclusively for the priest.  He then famously went into hiding, had a run in with a spider, and reemerged in the spring of 1307 a rejuvenated superhero, a bit like yer man Peter Parker. 

William Wallace, Scotland's greatest patriot, suffered a particularly brutal execution. His decapitated head was placed on a pike and taken to the Bullington club in Oxford where future Tories copulated with it while his limbs were hacked off and sent to Newcastle, Berwick, Stirling and Perth, where they were then deep-fat fried and served in the local chip shops

The most instantly recognisable and most revered Scottish patriot of all time takes some time to talk to you about William Wallace..!! Part One 'Guardian of Scotland' tells Wallace's story from when he 'raised his head' in 1297 through his victory at Stirling Bridge and defeat at the Battle of Falkirk just a year later

John Balliol or 'Toom Tabbard' which means 'empty tunic' a nickname attributed to Balliol on account of the fact he was a king who was easily manipulated, had no real control over his kingdom, and was in power in name only - he didn't hide in fridges though

The 13th century and the rule of 'The Alexanders' was Scotland's golden age - only because no one realised how bad things were going to get in the 14th century, it's a bit like the Scottish football team in the 90's we didn't realise they were actually a pretty good team until Bertie Vogts came along and then we started to get pumped off of Kazakhstan and Georgia

Scotland's longest reigning medieval monarch 'William the Lion' was enthusiastic and not without his charms, but he was much louder, more aggressive, stubborn and lacked the subtlety and talents of his older brother - he is basically Scottish medieval history's version of Liam Gallacher.

King David is arguably Scotland's greatest ever king, he was so good in fact he could win battles by losing them - winning at losing makes you a hero in this country!  

Malcolm and Margaret Canmore were Scotland's original power couple, the late 11th century's equivalent of Beyoncé and Jay-Z - well if Beyoné became 'Saint Beyoncé' and Jay Z was middle-aged, illiterate, violent, vengeful, obsessed with conquering Northumbria and had a huge head

Macbeth wasn't just the main character in that play you hated, and he wasn't a detective solving crimes with his adorable wee West Highland terrier in the Scottish equivalent of Midsummer either. The real life Macbeth was an 11th century king of Scotland. The last truly Celtic king of Scotland he suffered a bad press thanks to that pesky William Shakespeare thankfully Mountebank is here to restore the good name of Macbeth!

In this episode I compare a great Pictish king to a pastry, the vikings try to introduce £9 pints to Scotland, Edinburgh falls out of English and back into Scottish hands but they decide to keep cricket all this plus I shout at Stuart Armstrong for not booting the ball out of the park in 2017.

The Mountebank History of Scotland is a series of comical history podcasts charting the history of Scotland from the 1st century to the present day.In episode #1The Romans were scared of midgies, the 'Scots' are actually Irish and the indigenous people of Scotland would ride into battle bollock naked and covered in tattoos (1500 years before the invention of instagram). All this plus a year long piss up in Edinburgh CastleSupport the podcast here, each week I aim to raise enough money to buy a deserving person a bottle of whisky :)Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/mountebanktours?fan_landing=trueBuy Me a Coffee https://www.buymeacoffee.com/mountebank