This House Was Never Meant To Be A Podcast

Grandma is old. So when she causes an accident at the dinner table with her obnoxious family, the first thing the family thinks to do is ship her off to a retirement home. Before she goes, however, the family wants to make the next week good for her so they decide to throw her a party at which she makes a wish. Will she end up being carted away to the old folks home or will her wish play into her fate?Join Velina and Zach as they try to survive this episode's constant barrage of yelling and weird familial relationships, all topped off with an oddly cruel twist like contact solution with a lemon squeeze. So grab some prune juice and a ricola, because this one gets loud constantly and we are both suffering immensely. Somebody help us.Host = Zach ZachariaryHost = Velina VelenghiskhanIntro/Outro Song = Grave Encounters-White Bat AudioEnding clip: 20,000 Patties Under The Sea-Spongebob SquarepantsContact us: ThisHousePodcast@gmail.com

Bigelow wakes on any normal day and goes through his normal routine: Drink some coffee and light up a cigarette. Except, he discovers that he is living in a recreation of his house and the windows and doors are all barred shut. Then a man appears on the television screen and tells Bigalow that he signed up for an addiction curing program and this is all a part of it. The man on the screen tells him that he must give up smoking or face the consequences. Bigelow then learns the hard way what kind of punishments the program has in store for him. The real question is which will break first: the cigarette addiction or Bigelow?Join Velina and Zach on this journey of self-help as they watch a man be broken piece by piece all in the name of stopping his addiction to smoking. So grab some coffee and a nicotine patch, this one is a bumpy ride on the straight-and-narrow.Host = Zach ZachariaryHost = Velina VelenghiskhanIntro/Outro Song = Grave Encounters-White Bat AudioEnding clip: Keeping Up With Our Joneses-King of the HillContact us: ThisHousePodcast@gmail.com

Cruel businessman Carl is referred to a dry cleaner that can wash away sins. The dry cleaner Chow Ting gives him a list of strict rules that he cannot break if he wants his service. When Carl agrees, he starts to ramp up his cutthroat tactics for his corporation and his dirty laundry. However, Chow Ting is starting to ghost him and stops picking up his laundry. Will Carl be able to get his guilt washed away or Is there something more valuable than money that Chow Ting wants?Join Velina and Zach in their high rise corporate headquarters as they discuss the mediocrity of the episode and the absolute perfection that is James Hong. So grab your laundry basket and a budgie, because this episode is quite a fun one. Exclusively because of James Hong.Host = Zach ZachariaryHost = Velina VelenghiskhanIntro/Outro Song = Grave Encounters-White Bat AudioEnding clip: It All Comes Out In The Wash-Miranda LambertContact us: ThisHousePodcast@gmail.com

When Frank and his friend Ernie arrive at the dumpy carnival they took a 75 mile road trip to get to, he finally gets to see the great Karma, a magician he admired for his wireless levitation trick. However, when he sees that the magician doesn't end up doing his famous trick, Frank throws a fit to get what he wants. Will he get the magician to perform his once-famous trick or will this situation get slightly out of hand? Join Velina and Zach for the first of the final 5 episodes of the season under a cheapo big top as they watch a has-been magician perform while a man-child fan tries to ruin it until he gets what he wants. So grab some funnel cake and front-row seating, this is a trick you won't want to miss!Host = Zach ZachariaryHost = Velina VelenghiskhanIntro/Outro Song = Grave Encounters-White Bat AudioEnding clip: Levitation-AmorphisContact us: ThisHousePodcast@gmail.com

When gubernatorial candidate Bo Gumbs pays a visit to a small town for his campaign, he gives a speech to the bellhop about how politics is nothing but a big show, a game of entertainment for entertainment's sake. Strangely, Bo begins to notice some funny things happening to him. He gets a clown suit from the cleaners instead of his normal suit, he hears a street organ outside his room, and other circus-related nonsense starts to happen. Is Bo Gumbs hitting the bottle a little too hard, or has his career of pretending to be a clown finally caught up with him?Join Velina and Zach at the podium as we debate the subject of the episode and whether or not it is trying to make a statement. So grab your ballot and a squirting flower, because this is a funny episode in all senses of the word!Host = Zach ZachariaryHost = Velina VelenghiskhanIntro/Outro Song = Grave Encounters-White Bat AudioEnding clip: Afraid of Clowns-The Haunting HourContact us: ThisHousePodcast@gmail.com

When a young woman and her elderly husband invite their mutual friend over for some unnamed business, they decide to whip out the ol' Ouijia board to have a chat with the resident ghost. The ghost points them to a mysterious, sealed-away room in their house that was the place that drove whoever resided there to insanity. What will they find once they enter the madness room? Is it just a story, or does this story have more truth to it than they could have ever anticipated? Join Velina and Zach as they hang out in a hidden murder room and contact the spirits of the beyond to verbally eviscerate the plot holes in this episode. So grab your spirit board and a butthole lamp because this episode may drive you to MADNESS!Host = Zach ZachariaryHost = Velina VelenghiskhanIntro/Outro Song = Grave Encounters-White Bat AudioEnding clip: ClueContact us: ThisHousePodcast@gmail.com

Prudence has the relentless tendency to cry at even the slightest provocation, but when she meets a mysterious, good-looking stranger who seeks to pay her to collect her tears, she decides to go for it. She soon realizes that she is not only giving him her tears, she may also be giving him her heart. Will she fall for the mysterious tear collector, or is there something more to this man than meets the (misty) eye?Join Velina and Zach in kicking up the waterworks as they discuss why this episode feels so tonally different and nonsensical in comparison to the rest of the series and why they have such a weird soft-spot for it and it's soap-opera level melodrama. So grab some tissues and a swan bottle, because this is an unforgettable episode. Especially for a horror anthology show.Host = Zach ZachariaryHost = Velina VelenghiskhanIntro/Outro Song = Grave Encounters-White Bat AudioSongs used: (Daytime Drama-Spongebob production music) (A Broken Smile-General Hospital ost) (Poetic Justice-Gavin Greenaway) Ending clip: Cry Baby-A Christmas StoryContact us: ThisHousePodcast@gmail.com

When an English actress is trying to get some sleep before her commercial shoot the next morning, she is kept up by the sound of a phone relentlessly ringing in the apartment next door. However, she soon discovers that the apartment next door has been vacant for the last few months. So who was receiving the calls, and more alarmingly, who was slamming into the walls in the room next door?Join Velina and Zach as they make an example out of this episode as what not to do for an episode of television as Zach slowly transforms into a cyborg. You've mostly likely heard the saying “Show, don't tell.” Here's “Tell, don't show.” So grab your book of monologues and some earplugs, because this episode is a unique one in terms of bizarre problems of writing.

When a Satan-worshipping school teacher uses the dark arts to win the lottery, he mouths off to his supervisor and quits his job in anticipation of the victory. When he discovers that not only did he lose the lottery by one number, some random hair stylist won in his place, he decides to break into her business and steal it from her. However, things get tricky once she discovers him and even more so when he discovers her dark secret. A secret that proves that he might have bitten off far more than he could chew.Try your luck with Velina and Zach in talking about a cheesy, but lovable episode that they have quite a soft spot for. So grab a seven-pointed star and some lottery scratchers, because this episode is one Hell of a ride!Host = Zach ZachariaryHost = Velina VelenghiskhanIntro/Outro Song = Grave Encounters-White Bat AudioEnding clip: Snip Snip-The Tiger LiliesContact us: ThisHousePodcast@gmail.com

Old married couple Henry and Eleanor are planning their upcoming anniversary dinner when a girl without a place of her own ends up staying with them for a couple days. Will this mysterious girl ruin their plans for a wonderful dinner for two or is she perhaps the missing piece that would make their anniversary dinner truly special? Join Velina and Zach for dinner as we sink our teeth into one of our favorite episodes and savor how deliciously written this episode is. So grab some pool-snacks and some napkins, because we're heading to Flavortown and things are really heating up in the kitchen.Host = Zach ZachariaryHost = Velina VelenghiskhanIntro/Outro Song = Grave Encounters-White Bat AudioEnding clip: Hannibal (series)Contact us: ThisHousePodcast@gmail.com

Madame Katrina was your typical run-of-the-mill hack tarot card reader, reading tarot cards and giving people the fortunes that they wanted to hear. That all changes when one of her customers mysteriously bows out of a fortune reading and leaves her with a new set of tarot cards. A set of cards that make evil predictions, predictions that always come true. So she sets out to discover who swapped out her cards and how to get rid of them before something dreadful happens to her.Join Velina and Zach in a seedy alley-front shop as they read the signs of the episode and determine whether or not its quality is in retrograde. So grab a crystal ball and get ready to say some sooth, because our prediction is that you'll stay with us...UNTIL THE END! *Lightning crackles* Host = Zach ZachariaryHost = Velina VelenghiskhanIntro/Outro Song = Grave Encounters-White Bat AudioEnding clip = Friends on the other Side-Princess and the FrogContact us: ThisHousePodcast@gmail.com

When a failing script writer is failing to sell his scripts, his answering machine takes on a life of its own and begins ruining the script-writer's life. Why? How? What does alternate universes have to do with this? How do they have anything to do with anything? These questions and many more on this exciting episode of All a Clone by the Telephone!Join Velina and Zach in their conjoined aneurysm as they try to survive this horrible episode that is so confused about what it is supposed to be that it has no less than 3 different possible explanations for what the antagonist is! Within the episode! So grab an aspirin and set your phones to silent, because this one is so bad it hurts. Like, intestinal discomfort all over your body hurts.Host = Zach Zachariary Host = Velina Velenghiskhan Intro/Outro Song = Grave Encounters-White Bat Audio Ending clip: Weird Al Answering Machine Contact us: ThisHousePodcast@gmail.com

When Danny talks about how he ended up in the insane asylum, he tells the examiner the story of how he and his wife found a magical genie in a magical lamp they bought from a magical shopkeeper in a magical tent that magically appears in a magical parking lot. Once they decide to fix their financial problems by using the genie, they discover that the genie has different plans in store for them, plans to make their lives a waking nightmare. Join Velina and Zach as they go into this alcohol-less episode about a couple who talk a mile a minute, and stare into the camera so closely that you could swear you could smell what they had for lunch. If you like relatively funny jokes that are not given the time to sit before they've already moved on, and a terrible translation from book to film format, then this episode is for you! So grab some Gin and gobs of slime, because this episode is as bad as the (Abstract Noun) of a (Number) (Plural Noun)!Host = Zach ZachariaryHost = Velina VelenghiskhanIntro/Outro Song = Grave Encounters-White Bat AudioEnding clip: Genie Meanie Miney Mo-Fairly Odd ParentsContact us: ThisHousePodcast@gmail.com

When Jodie and Ma Tolliver are saying a prayer for his recently deceased grandpa over the breakfast table, they get the shock of their lives when grandpa decides to join them. Ma tells Jodie that his grandfather is, in fact, deceased but the old man is just too dang stubborn to realize it. So Jodie and Ma try to figure out a way to convince grandpa that he's a goner despite the obvious signs of his decomposition. Will they be able to convince him he's dead, or will Jodie have to do something far more drastic to give him the proof he needs?Join Velina and Zach as they enjoy the company of the late Grandpa and his hilarious refusal to face the grave and really dive into what makes this episode one that is close to their still-beating hearts. So grab a fan and some Moonshine, cause this summer heat ain't making grandpa smell any better.Host = Zach Zachariary Host = Velina Velenghiskhan Intro/Outro Song = Grave Encounters-White Bat Audio Ending clip: Not Yet Dead-Spamalot Contact us: ThisHousePodcast@gmail.com

Stephen King stand-in #1408 inherits a word processor that was scratch-built by his recently deceased nephew. Against the nonsensical warnings of an old man, he takes it for a spin and discovers that everything he types into the word processor becomes real. How will he use this newfound power? Will he use it responsibly? Or will he use for- oh who are we kidding, of course he uses it irresponsibly. But how far will he go and will his henpecking wife and obnoxious son make it out of this...ALIVE?!Join Velina and Zach's writing circle as they proofread the episode and try to put their finger on why they hate it so much. So plug in your keyboard and increase your output by up to 50%, it's time to really dig into one of their least favorite episodes.Host = Zach ZachariaryHost = Velina VelenghiskhanIntro/Outro Song = Grave Encounters-White Bat AudioEnding clip = Stephen King's Cameo-It: Chapter 2Contact us at ThisHousePodcast@gmail.com

Gail is a college student desperate for a room to rent, so she finds a cheap room in the large house of the dean, Dr. Fenner. She finds her room to be perfect for her needs and moves right in, though there seems to be something off about a small locked closet across from her bed, and Gail is starting to believe that something awful is lurking just behind the door. And it doesn't want her there anymore...Join Velina and Zach in their rented room like how something joins our main character in her room as we delve into not only one of their favorite episodes, and easily one of the scariest episodes of the season. So grab your formaldehyde and pick up your textbooks, because something is definitely in the closet and we think it sneaks out at night.Host = Zach ZachariaryHost = Velina VelenghiskhanIntro/Outro Song = Grave Encounters-White Bat AudioEnding clip = Inside the ClosetContact us at ThisHousePodcast@gmail.com

Nothing seems to be going right for Richard Hall. He lost his birth certificate, his job because his employer loses his only portfolio, and wasn't even invited to his high school reunion. It's almost like he never existed. Crazy, right? But what if that were true? He certainly is starting to believe it, but is there even anything he can do to stop it? Can his wife and best friend help him before it's too late? Join Velina and Zach in their non-existential crisis as they slip and slide right out of the real world trying to find out where this episode missed the mark. So grab your portfolio and your fading presence on this Earth, because we're on our way out...of existence. It's like ghosting, but you actually DO disappear!Host = Zach ZachariaryHost = Velina VelenghiskhanIntro/Outro Song = Grave Encounters-White Bat AudioEnding clip: Warriors, come out and play!-The WarriorsContact us at ThisHousePodcast@gmail.com

Youngster Pookie is enjoying a normal summer day when her twin Mookie passes away before finishing a program on his computer. Before he goes, he makes Pookie promise that she will finish his work when he dies. She keeps her promise and discovers something incredible: Mookie is in the network and her work can help him live on through the computer. But will she be able to save her brother and convince her parents that Mookie is in the computer before they sell it to the guy from work? Or is it already too late?Join Velina and Zach on the server as we hack the mainframe of this perfectly average episode of Tales from the Darkside and marvel at the mediocrity of it all. So load up all those AOL discs and put on your lucky vet's cap, because the troubleshooting is worth the wait!Host = Zach ZachariaryHost = Velina VelenghiskhanIntro/Outro Song = Grave Encounters-White Bat AudioEnding clip = Hank's Dirty Laundry-King of the HillContact us at ThisHousePodcast@gmail.com

Tommy Vale is an honest bookie who never turned down a bet. That is, until a mysterious man appears in the bar and begins making bets with the odds always against him. However, he never loses his bets, no matter the odds. Is this mysterious stranger out to bankrupt Tommy Vale with his relentless luck? Or is there something more sinister behind his motives? Something...more deadly? Velina and Zach's brains dribble out in the heat as they try to recite what happens in this exciting episode of Tales from the Darkside. So take a chance on them as they roll the dice and test their luck talking about the lingo behind betting and other things that they can't figure out. So sit down and grab a soak, this one's a real doozy.Host: Zach ZachariaryHost: Velina VelenghiskhanIntro/Outro song: White Bat Audio-Grave EncountersContact Us: ThisHousePodcast@gmail.com

When unintentional man of mystery Harvey Turman is struck down with backpain, he discovers from his doctor that there is no physical cause for his debilitating spinal pain, but the doctor has a cure for what ails him: a good ol' fashioned healthy dosage of murder for Harvey's relentless henpecking wife, Nadine. Harvey is, of course, mildly shocked by this revelation, but will Harvey go through with the doctor's arrangement to have the Mrs. taken out? How will he react? Probably not well enough to know what he's thinking.Velina and Zach take a trip to the doctor's office just on the corner of the Darkside to learn the virtues of spinal realignment, stress-free living, and murder. So join them in a swell time full of laughter and merriment as they delve into what makes this tale both goofy and unmemorable. And remember, if you have a henpecker for a wife, it's time for rotisserie. Doctor's orders.Host: Zach ZachariaryHost: Velina VelenghiskhanIntro/Outro song: White Bat Audio-Grave EncountersContact Us: ThisHousePodcast@gmail.com

Multi-millionaire Jack is offered by fellow heartless businessman and associate Duncan one million dollars for his soul. Easy money for someone who thrives off of other people's misery, right? However Jack gets cold feet upon Duncan's offer. Are souls even real? Why would Duncan want one if he doesn't believe in them? Does Jack really have a soul worth buying? Or does Duncan have something dastardly planned with Jack's one and only soul? Join Velina and Zach as they take a spirited little shopping trip through the dire marketplace that is the Darkside and learn that selling your soul is not about the money, it's about the friends you made along the way. Host: Zach ZachariaryHost: Velina VelenghiskhanIntro/Outro song: White Bat Audio-Grave EncountersContact Us: ThisHousePodcast@gmail.com

When a recovering alcoholic Alan Coombs is working his job at a real estate office, his life gets turned around when a young boy by the name of Jerry claims to be his son, but Alan knows that he has no son named Jerry. Worst of all, his family also believe that Jerry is theirs too. He keeps telling them that they don't have a son named Jerry, and the family begins to think that Alan is succumbing to his alcoholism again. Is Alan going insane? Is Jerry some kind of monster bent on ruining Alan's life? or is there something more, something darker, going on? Join Velina and Zach as they delve into the furthest reaches of the Darkside and find the episodes that they like, and dislike, the most of the series.Host/Editor: Zach ZachariaryHost: Velina VelenghiskhanIntro/Outro song: White Bat Audio-Grave EncountersContact Us: ThisHousePodcast@gmail.com

When an old miser, Gideon Hackles has his entire town in debt to him, he offers them a method of salvation on Halloween every year: Send their kids into his house of horrors to find the IOUs and free their town from debt. But unbeknownst to ol' Gideon this Halloween is going to be the most horrifying of all. And this time: the terror is not aimed at the innocent. Tune in for this exciting first episode of This House Was Never Meant To Be A Podcast as Velina and Zach delve into the pilot episode of Tales from the Darkside.Host/Editor: Zach ZachariaryHost: Velina VelenghiskhanIntro/Outro song: White Bat Audio-Grave EncountersContact Us: ThisHousePodcast@gmail.com

Velina and Zach are two horror fans making a podcast for those who love horror anthology shows. They want to share with you all of the best and worst that the genre has to offer, all while occasionally giving their opinions on various pieces of horror visual media that they managed to find while delving into the obscure. There is going to be a lot to look forward to, so strap in for an exhilarating ride into terror, comedy, and all the bizarre places in-between!We'd love to hear from you! Contact us at ThisHousePodcast@gmail.comHost/Editor: Zach ZachariaryHost: Velina VelenghiskhanIntro/Outro song: White Bat Audio-Grave Encounters