GR8 Relationships Radio

God designed man and woman for the perfect complimentary relationship. He designed them in His image which becomes even more interesting when you look at the Hebrew words for man and woman in Genesis.

In the previous episode, you heard about truth and love, separate and belonging, and powerful and relational. Each of those combinations of words are an excellent way to think about the Image of God. When you review scriptures, both Old and New Testament, you will find the context typically supports those combination of words. And, this same concept is seen throughout life - in movies, in religions, in personality tests, and, obviously in the design of men and women.

Based on some great research by Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann, there are 5 conflict styles that people use. Based on your development, you will learn to use some more than others. Generally, people will overuse some and under use others. Here is the most important news - all of the styles are good. All of them have problems and benefits, so you need to learn to use each one for the right situation.

Based on some great research by Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann, there are 5 conflict styles that people use. Based on your development, you will learn to use some more than others. Generally, people will overuse some and under use others. Here is the most important news - all of the styles are good. All of them have problems and benefits, so you need to learn to use each one for the right situation.

What do you think about when you hear the word "conflict?" Most people would list words like fight, anger, war, bad feelings, strife, etc. Conflict is most often thought of as something negative, but it doesn't need to be that way. In fact, conflict can be constructive and beneficial if you have the right thinking.

The best way to start resolving a conflict is to get your thinking changed. While we do not provide you the entire Conflict RESOLVED workshop, we do provide you the first step - remember 3+3+2. Remember 3 Critical Principles, 3 Cardinal Rules and 2 Essential Skills.

Yes, your emotions are real and your emotions are often out of touch with reality and the facts. If that's true, then getting others to acknowledge and validate your emotions is misplaced, unproductive, and potentially dangerous.

Dr. Marlin Howe used submarines and destroyers as a great way to explain dominant and manipulative behavior. Submarines are difficult to detect, stealthy, under the surface. Destroyers are easy to see, on the surface and when fighting, fire depth charges into the ocean trying to sink the submarine. The submarine takes evasive action, sometimes becomes silent, but will unleash some powerful and destructive torpedoes without warning and often after a conflict is over.

You know the PROBLEM - making everything about ME, and the SOLUTION - pursuing the best for others; patiently, kindly, sacrificially and unconditionally. Now here is a simple way to remember 4 critical tools that solve 4 relationship crippling mistakes. Remember T F F C.

How do you deal with those past sins, mistakes, blunders, or even embarrassing moments? It is amazing how powerful those past situations can be when they are resurrected in your mind.

Tolerance and Love aren't the same thing, but people act like they are. In fact, the political correctness crowd uses tolerance as a weapon against truth, standards and boundaries. There is a blatant effort to use tolerance to move or erase the boundary between good and bad. Consequently, the sledgehammer of tolerance tries to expand the limits for bad behavior. But, worst of all, people talk as if tolerance and love are the same thing. Regardless of the revisionist thinking, those two words are very different.

If you want some extremely valuable and practical information for new blended families, this is it. It will help you develop the family that you want.

There is nothing simple about blended families or the effort needed to make them work well. Yet, too many couples start into this new family structure with bad thinking, myths and no goals or plans. Hopefully, you will be different.

Deborah got back into church and began growing in the Lord. She learned about godly marriages and relationships. So, it is no surprise that she thought about whether another marriage should or could be part of her future. Now she wondered, "What about remarriage? Is that acceptable to God?"

When your relationships are painful, your thoughts easily become "I want out of the pain!" Too often that means no interest in God's desire and His complete PERFECTION in your current situation! Getting out of relationship pain is understandable, but most often leads to bad choices. One such choice is divorce, which most often leads to the greater pain of broken families.

After her third divorce, Deborah was mad at life and men for at least 4 years. But, she did not realize how failure can lead to success. Utlimately, she decided to listen to God, who led her to the Hope for the Family seminar. Created by Dr. Marlin Howe, that seminar changed her life and blossomed into GR8 Relationships. So, God used her failure to lead her to His success for her.

By the time Deborah was 28, she went through 3 divorces. But, being divorced 3 times is only part of the story. Deborah's complete story is a great example of God's healing and restoration. In fact, she is open and vulnerable about her former life. Now she ministers to others praising God for what He allowed into her life.

God does not like the proverb about sour grapes. "As I live," says the Lord GOD, "you shall no longer use this proverb in Israel." (Ezekiel 18:3) What is it about that proverb that God does not like?

Which is more important - self-governance or self-esteem? The emphasis of our education system and society is primarily on self-esteem. Subsequently, the population continues to increase its Narcissistic mindset. And, the investment is creating huge societal problems. It is time to reconsider the investment and look for something better like self-governance or self-control.

Self-control is critical for all of us. But consider this, those with the most self-control use it far less in emergencies. What makes them so different from the rest of us?

Multitudes of self-help gurus, psychologists, and educators promote loving yourself - loving "ME". Unfortunately, what's worse is Satan loves this teaching! So, what about you? Do you think loving yourself supports something that Satan absolutely loves and practices? Well, go look at Dr. Carle Zimmerman's research. He says that the self-love that self-help gurus promote is actually the key element that destroys civilizations. And, check out Willpower by Dr. Baumeister, especially chapter 9, which shows self-control as superior to self-esteem.

Sarah had been married only 9 months. She went to the computer to find some information she needed. What she found instead was devastatingly painful - pornography! At first she tried to rationalize it. "Maybe someone came in and used their computer." But as she thought about it more, that made little sense...

It takes God's truth to remove thinking that you are damaged goods. Hear a redeemed lady's story that starts as a precious little girl first abused at the age of 5. "I remember asking God to rescue me when I was 5, but it didn't happen. And, I didn't become His child until I was 42. I've hated that little girl, she caused me so much pain and shame. Many times in my life, I looked for God."

If I choose to submit that seems like I am giving up all of my rights. Is that true? For example, does submitting mean that I can't explain what I am thinking about the issue? Unfortunately, the discussion and definitions of submission are abused and misused. It's time to see what God says about submission.

When you follow God's example and do relationships His way, you irritate your sin nature and your "ME"! When you decide to serve others, your sin nature asks, "What about ME?" Don't assume that when you do things God's way that your "ME" will like it! God's ways are not about selfishness and self-absorbed thinking. Serving others is the best way to get your needs met, because you trust your PERFECT God.

You have no room for God, so you can't see God at work. All people and circumstances are in your life for your best no matter how you feel or think about them. Every good thing, every bad thing are in your life for a perfect reason. BUT, you cannot and do not see life that way, because "ME" fills everything you see. All of the space in your eyes, mind and heart prevent you from seeing God's perfect work unfolding right in front of you.

Relationships suffer most from the PROBLEM - making everything about ME. And, one classic way the PROBLEM displays itself is through the "Victim" mistake where you "keep the past in the present". A "Victim" keeps the past in the present even though the past is OVER! This mistake deceives you into thinking that the past is powerful, but it isn't - IT IS OVER! You have other better choices to make.

We adopted this phrase from Robert Fritz - "Reality is an acquired taste." Reality is our friend, because it doesn't play games. When you live in reality, you live in truth. In fact, you can interchange reality and truth, because they are synonyms. Too often, we live in fantasy - how it feels, not in reality and objectivity - how it is, and that creates major problems, because fantasy can be twisted into anything.

"Sometimes the knowledge of truth and how things SHOULD BE don't overcome the emotions of the heart. Recently my wife told me she doesn’t love me and hasn’t loved me for a long time. She even said she wouldn’t marry me if she had another chance." Maybe you feel hopeless like that man and you are fighting to hold on. (Hurtful statements like these are too common in many relationships.) While those words are painful to read, he will never get relief with that type of thinking.

Is today one of those days? Do you have a situation like a man that I talked to. All he could say was, "She does not love me." When he later asked her if that was true, she only said, "I'll have to think about it." What would you do if your spouse was telling you that? Would you act like God would or not?

Satan's primary strategy is to get you to think "Did God really say...?" That really works when God tells us that we "...may have life, and that [we] may have it more abundantly." (John 10:10) and we are going through some difficulty. We doubt God, but that life is ours right now! It requires a Single Focus, Simple Actions and that results in Significant Benefits.

In 2 Peter 1, the Apostle Peter provides a warning and 3 promises. The warning is SO IMPORTANT that you need to hear it first. You have been given supernatural gifts and blessings all because of the immense grace of God. BUT, it seems that most believers aren't experiencing them or the 3 promises primarily for not heeding this warning.

Transformation requires seeing differently. So, how you see things is a key indicator of whether you are being transformed or NOT! You start down the path of transformation in 2 Peter 1:5-7. After you take the first 5 steps - Faith, Virtue, Knowledge, Self-control and Perseverance you expect transformation. But, that depends on the next 3 steps. The first 5 are critical, but transformation never occurs unless you take the next 3 steps.

You are pursuing the BEST life and are ready to take the next steps. Time to move beyond the Learn Phase of Faith, Virtue, and Knowledge into the APPLY Phase of 2 Peter 1:5-7. The next two steps are two things Satan hates. These steps show you are serious about walking with the Lord, being like Christ.

When will you start living the BEST life? You have the ability, but will you start? Starting is 50 percent of any action. The 8 steps of 2 Peter 1:5-7 are your responsibility, no one else. God provides everything for you and it is now your choice to start your transformation. What is your decision - live the BEST life or not?

The ABUNDANT LIFE that Jesus talks about (John 10:10) is the same as the Apostle Peter talks about in 2 Peter 1. It is the motive for us to pursue transformation into the image of Christ. When Peter says "For this very reason..." (2 Peter 1:5), he refers back to the previous 4 verses. He tells us what we have been given; a precious faith like the apostles, all things for life and godliness, exceedingly great and precious promises, partake in the divine nature, and escape from corruption in this world. We read that those priceless gifts are ours, but we don't change. The big reason we don't change is we believe the world's view of abundance, not God.

If you are a child of God and you are trying to find the abundant life you have heard people talk about - STOP LOOKING! You ALREADY have it!! "His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness..." (2 Peter 1:3). That is just like our PERFECT God - He does everything for us, yet we act and live as if He hasn't done anything for us.

So, slow yourself down and picture a life better than you have now. Make the picture as detailed as possible. Be honest with yourself about what you think is better. What do you see? What are you doing? What do you have? What are you thinking? How are you acting? Take your time to look at a vivid mental picture or video of your better life.

Leadership may not be that interesting to you right now, but remember, everyone leads in some area of their life. Since that is true, consider how to apply these promises to those leadership situations.

There is a POWERFUL (Separate) element, but the power is not from us, it is from God. He is the authority and He uses leaders as a channel of His authority. Just like God's power, leaders are to use power to free others, not control them. The power is used to serve others not be served. The RELATIONAL (Belonging) element of leadership is utilized when leaders rely on God's power, because that allows a leader to relate. You can be gentle and serving when you rely on God's power, but if you try to be powerful or show that you are in charge, that will prevent you from being gentle or serving. Worse yet, it tends to create a structure of rebellion in people towards you.

Leadership is not what you might think it is. Most people have the stereo-type of leaders needing to be "large and in charge". While some good leaders are that way, that is not what makes them good or even great (GR8!).

Yep, that's what I said. Your mind is geared for pictures more than words and, if you want to understand someone, really listen to them - turn their words into pictures. Yes, I understand that you still need to hear them, but the phrase "turn off the sound" gets you to focus more on what pictures you are seeing rather than trying to hear individual words.

Think about it, humility is the most underrated attribute, so it makes sense that humility would be tied to the most underrated skill. The formula for listening starts with a simple question, "Will I make this about them, and not about me?"

Good definitions make a big difference. When you read the definition of humility in a dictionary, it may help, but most likely not. So, let's use this simple 3 word definition - strength under control. That's often used to define "meek" and it's appropriate for "humble" also.

God allows us to participate in His divine nature (2 Peter 1:3) and He is not only good, He is PERFECT! Everything that He does has no spot or blemish - even those times where we are struggling with pain and wondering how this can be best for us.

I remember back in the 1960's and '70's how a number of Christian writers and thinkers were pushing Jesus' command of "love your neighbor as yourself". You might be thinking, "That's great", but actually it wasn't. They were promoting the incorrect thinking that you needed to love yourself before you could love others.

Ever wondered what marriage was like when Paul wrote the classic letter to the Ephesian believers? How did "wives, submit to your own husband" and "husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church" sound to the women and men in Ephesus?

You might say, “God does not provide details on every thought or action of my life in His Word, so how can I know if a thought or action is self-absorbed or not?”

It's one or the other! If you are sensitive at all to the Holy Spirit, you will know which. AND, my speculation is 95% or more of the time, thoughts about "ME" are self-absorbed. (That's based on personal experience and I admit that I am probably more self-absorbed and self-sufficient than you.)

Holidays are expected to bring joy and peace, but they often don't and you end up with "turkey and stressing"! Those times end up hurting relationships and not knowing what to do. Well, here are some guidelines to consider on how to have a difficult conversation which can lead to getting the relationship back on track. Unfortunately, most people will just let the tension remain rather than try to resolve it. Be different this year, do what God desires!