Agnes & Leona

Annnnnnnnnd, we're back. Yeah yeah, we know. It's been a while. All we can say is: 2020 But trust us, we're back with the same Statler & Waldorf vibes we always had, and the burning question: What in the ACTUAL fuck is "Farmcore". Apparently the hills are alive with terrible clothing, and we need to talk about it. Leona seems to think that the runway lands in the closet, whereas Agnes disagrees. Also, there may or may not have been an incident where one of us shaved off half an eyebrow. It's ok. It's all in the name of "Fashion". Oh, how we've missed you. Especially our forever faithful listeners in Germany. Sending virtual hugs from our grandmacore hearts.  https://www.buzzfeed.com/vincent/39-reasons-youre-grandmacore #farmcore #cottagecore #grandmacore #fashion #nordstrom #homedepot #comedy #statlerandwaldorf #agnesandleona #eyebrowmalfunction #hugeingermany 

When you think of etiquette, you may think that Emily Post wrote the book. You're not wrong, but did you know that there's a WAY more hilariously offensive tome on the topic? Welcome to the Ethel Cotton Course on Conversation... and trust us, it's quite the conversation piece itself.But even MORE exciting than this mid-century lesson in how to be deranged is the fact that we're joined by "the third one". The one who has lived so many of these adventures with us. The one who hates pants the most. We've escaped north, gathered our little coven together, and podcast to you from that undisclosed location where there are three pantless women cooking and brewing trouble. Meet Florence... Flo for short. The three of us dive into the world of Ethel, learn how to describe a cock in great detail, and Agnes gets real fired up about taupe... the color of giving up.  Also, we have a new name for you - our listeners. Henceforth, we shall refer to you as our "hearers". See, maybe Ethel wasn't all bad.  We're sorry if you're listening to this in a taupe room. Just close your eyes... it'll be ok. https://www.architecturelab.net/what-is-taupe-color/ We're wondering if Martha Stewart knows about Ethel... in the mean time, you read up on what Emily's rules were:https://www.marthastewart.com/1512296/you-can-thank-emily-post-for-these-rules-of-etiquette 

If a serial killer has the best of intentions, is he really so bad? Dexter was likable enough... eh? Ok, settle down- no one is murdering people here. But plants... that's another story. This week we delve into the heart and mind of Agnes as she grapples with her crimes against plants. Leona has been trying to rehab her for years, but with mediocre results at best. It all boils down to one thing: obstinance. Or maybe it's "determined optimism!" either way, she's shouldn't be left alone with plants. But she means well... she really does. But then again, so did Dexter... In case you have no idea who Dexter is: https://dexter.fandom.com/wiki/Dexter_(show)It's not just Agnes. HGTV is obsessed too: https://www.hgtv.com/outdoors/flowers-and-plants/herbs/benefits-of-lavenderHow to cope with Agnes and her stubbornness: https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/12-ways-deal-with-stubborn-people-and-convince-them-listen.html  #podcast #agnesandleona #bestfriends #plantkiller #plantmurder #obstinant #stubborn #lavendergrowing #gardentips #makeyourgardengrow #deadtings #comedy #satire #andwereback #dexter #HGTV #growgood #lavenderfarm #onlythestrongsurvive #desertliving #planthospice

We're so excited to have our very first SPECIAL GUEST! Meet Sloan... aka "Ebony Hannah" if we're using our porn names. He's pretty amazing, as are his stories of hiking after WAY too much cheese. And there also may have been a minor incident with cat-fishing some hippies up in red rock country. We're not entirely sure, but seems like something we would do. So kick back, have some nachos and listen as Leona, aka "Barnacle Bushnell", and Agnes aka "Tootsie Breakneck" laugh through another episode.  Need your own nacho recipe? Yep. https://www.delish.com/cooking/recipe-ideas/recipes/a51518/nachos-supreme-recipe/ #specialguest #gueststar #podcast #newepisode #comedy #nachos #lactoseintolerant #hiking #sedona #redrocks #getoutside #terribleidea #jalapenomargarita #lookaway #homesignage #zitpopping #funny #threescompany #pornnames 

Did you know that people can have more than one child?? Revolutionary concept! THANK GOD there are people brave enough to podcast about it. We are not those people. Also, GTFO with your nonsense. And while we're ranting, all you "masterminds" can suck it too. For the record, spouting off an opinion on a experience that is broadly shared and easily obtained doesn't make you an EXPERT. It makes you an asshole. You know how we know...? Because we podcast too... but we promise we're not experts. Except when it comes to clearing out your colon with spicy food. (Weren't expect such a hard left turn, were ya?) We are not doctors and this is not medical advice:https://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/food-poisoning/what-is-e-coli#1 #podcast #parenting #mastermind #gtfo #stfu #experts #cleanse #indianfood #motherhood #hypocrites #bestfriends #comedy #settledown #lifestyleblogger #getarealjob #theunfollowing #agnesandleona #statlerandwaldorf

Would you pee on your best friend? You're damn right you would! Intentionally, because she swam through a school of jellyfish... get the mind out of the gutter, you freak. This week we're back, and we're all over the damn place. Don't mind us while we rant a moment about people refusing to wear masks (Darwin Awards to follow), but really dive in (pun totally intended) when it comes to needing a vacation. An adrenaline filled, salt water drenched, oh my god is this how we die, vacation. Join us for a trip back to one of our favorite vacations... ah, the Philippines. Best of luck bitches. #BOLB If you're a Freinds-o-phile, you know where we're coming from with the pee... https://www.ripleys.com/weird-news/jellyfish-pee/ IF you go to the Philippines, make your peace with God, like Lieutenant Dan: https://youtu.be/HqAbjHKO5jM?t=19 #forestgump #lieutenantdan #barracuda #storm #snorkle #findingnemo #vacation #traveltips #adventurefriends #islandlife #survivor #podcast #comedy #bestfriends #coven #bestofluckbitches #puthemaskon #friends #seaurchin #charliesangles #sexinthecity #delusional #instantkarma #jellyfish #ivebeenstung #michaelphelps #walkonwater #podcast 

Where were you in the mid 80s? If your answer is wearing thigh-high leg-warmers while sweating with Jane Fonda to some totally awesome synth music, Agnes was right there with you. Fast forward 25 years, quarantine bodies are less than svelt, and Agnes thought it would be a good idea to find Jane again. Needless to say, it's a situation ripe for injury and entertainment. Meanwhile, Leona is staying in shape by ripping out perfectly good bathrooms and threatening her nearest and dearest with heavy tools. So grab a leotard and join us, lets sweat this one out together... six feet apart.  Don't believe us? Check out this Vogue article detailing why this is still THE BEST WORKOUT EVER!https://www.vogue.com/article/jane-fonda-workout-videos-health-aerobics-yoga-class-pass They're not quite the glorious neon leg warmers of days gone by, but they'll do (thank you, H&M):https://www2.hm.com/en_us/productpage.0661192001.html Should you remodel your own bathroom? No. The answer is no. Unless, quarantine:https://www.thespruce.com/diy-vs-professional-bathroom-remodeling-1821243  Agnes & Leona is a podcast about absolutely nothing. Cheers! #podcast #comedy #quaratineconfessions #workout #penguin #janefonda #1980s #traction #crowbar #bathroomremodel #buildingmuscle #leotard #legwarmers #fitfam #aerobics #groupexercise #gymlife #homeworkout #stayfit #quaratineworkout #perspective #bitchesbecrazy #podcast #comedy #agnesandleona #bestfriends #vodka #denimcage #motivation #fitnessmotivation #health #exercise #bendy #fitspo #instafit #weightloss #fitnessmodel #bhfyp #educatedguess #tuesdaymorningvibes

The gun isn't for the cat... lets just make that clear right from the top. The gun is for the apparent line of people in Leona's bedroom trying to steal her multiple passports. Now that we've cleared THAT up, lets talk about what else is in the nightstand... It's a fun game to play while playing Marie Kondo, Quarantine Edition. We can tell you that all the things in our nightstands bring us joy. Yep, from cat laxatives to sex toys, it all has a place. Don't judge us- we bet yours is just as bad. Maybe worse. As long as it brings YOU joy, you'll get no judgment from us... we'll laugh our asses off about it, but WITH you, not at you. Kind of.  Nightstand Reading: "Fucking History" - It's about history. Not fucking. And it's great, highly recommend:https://www.amazon.com/Fucking-History-Lessons-Learned-School/dp/0692795367 Cat Laxative: Maybe you're into some kinky shit... or maybe your cat has a hairball. Either way...https://www.vetoquinolusa.com/content/laxatone#tab_section_0 Wanna feel bad about your choices? Check out how many drinks are in a bottle of vodka:https://www.thespruceeats.com/how-many-shots-in-a-bottle-761232  Agnes & Leona is a podcast about absolutely nothing. Cheers!  #nightstandconfessions #quaratineconfessions #sextoys #penguin #catlaxative #footfile #pedicure #fuckinghistory #thecaptain #sgrstk #readabook #gunsinnightstands #loveletters #lovenotes #houseparty #mariekondo #perspective #bitchesbecrazy #podcast #comedy #agnesandleona #bestfriends #vodka #educatedguess #cockring #tuesdaymorningvibes

Dreams... we all have them. Can you remember yours? This week, Agnes and Leona go full narcoleptic and talk about what happens when the lights turns off and the sheets come up. We're talking about everything from Leona stealing banana splits from Joe Exotic, to Donald Trump proposing a threesome (with dudes), to monster plants, to Lin Manuel Miranda staring in a sea-faring erotic films, and of course, playground safety. Yeah, shit gets weird, but they're just dreams... right? ;) Article on Dream Analysis:https://time.com/4921605/dreams-meaning/ Online Dream Dictionary:http://www.dreammoods.com/ #dreams #dreamanalysis #dreaminterpretation #psychology #joeexotic #tigerking #coolcatsandkittens #clyffordstill #abstractart #monkeybars #superman #presidentialthreesome #linmanuelmiranda #whipcream #killerplants #pleaseatethesethings #blackthumb #cannibals #dunkindonuts #redcarpet #bananasplit #whatdoesthismean #podcast #comedy #bestfriends #agnesandleona 

It's a full moon tonight, which means we're getting our inner witches on. Settle down, this isn't Salem and we're not sacrificing anyone. Yet. We may have come close last summer, but he survived. We're talking about little rituals, re-defining the phrase "bat shit crazy" (too soon?) and setting intentions for a better tomorrow. So tune in and take your pants off (if they aren't already)... this episode is definitely best sans pants.  April Horoscope:https://www.elitedaily.com/p/your-april-2020-horoscope-is-all-about-putting-your-best-foot-forward-22665580 Full Moon Ritual:https://www.sagegoddess.com/full-moon/make-use-magical-moon-water/ How to make Jam:https://www.bonappetit.com/test-kitchen/how-to/article/how-to-make-homemade-jam  #podcast #fullmoon #horoscope #coven #rituals #astrology #sacrifice #sombrero #burnparty #bestfriends #fire #lumberjack #virgo #capricorn #scorpio #cancer #signs #grainofsalt #comedy #weshouldhavesacrificedhim

Panic shopping has become a thing in recent weeks, but Agnes here had to be different. She's panic remodeling. With no experience, or knowledge, and questionable ability. She's got 4 more days to learn plumbing, hook up a gas stove, install cabinets & counter tops, tile... and maybe if there's time, paint. Leona thinks she's lost her damn mind. But hey- you do what you have to do in the times of plague. Also, we needed something to do now that Tiger King is over. We're blaming Carol Baskin...  10 things you should NEVER do during a kitchen remodel (aside from let Agnes loose with a sledgehammer)https://www.familyhandyman.com/kitchen/10-things-you-should-never-do-during-a-kitchen-renovation/ Black Mold Removal (The tiny bit of black mold they show here is cute)https://www.hgtv.com/design/remodel/interior-remodel/how-to-remove-black-mold  #homeimprovement #DIY #construction #remodel #casita #contractor #shouldhavehiredaprofesional #blackmold #kitchenremodel #quarantineconfessions #lockdown #rona #respiratoryroulette #deadline #goals  #carolbaskin #tigerking #podcast #educatedguess #comedy #agnesandleona 

You know what's weird? EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. But, we're making the best of it, the only way we know how: bottle of wine and a microphone... with an appropriate six feet between us! This week we're talking about the old 'Rona, quarantine, and laughing a lot. Because a little laughter goes a long way. So tune in to listen about formal yoga wear, DIY construction, black mold, compulsive gym memberships (it's a thing), playing chopped in your pantry, and exactly how much toilet paper is enough. *warning- throwing out half a square at the end of a roll MAY be fatal to your relationship. We're also talking a lot about cooking... Leona made Ethiopian veggies, and Agnes is working on a new recipe called "WuHan Stir Fry". Because we're nothing if not diverse in our culinary creations. So stay safe out there, stay healthy, and be kind to your fellow humans because we are ALL in this together. And for the love of all things holy, STOP HOARDING. Oh, and also, #stayhome. Maybe listen to more podcasts... ;) Quarantine Cooking:Ethiopian Veggies: https://www.veganricha.com/atakilt-wat-ethiopian-cabbage-potato/Zucchini Latkes: https://damndelicious.net/2014/04/02/zucchini-fritters/ #coronavirus #covid19 #rona #quarantine #quarantinecooking #blackmold #needacontrtactor #ubereats #comedy #workout #gymaddiction #rationing #toiletpaper #podcast #socialdistance #sparkle #agnesandleona  

It's the end of the world as we know it! And we feel fine... (Thank you, R.E.M.). So honestly, PUT THE TOLIET PAPER DOWN. We're all about being safe, practicing social distancing, and being considerate of our fellow citizens who may be higher risk than we are. But seriously, calm the fuck down. We didn't mean to talk about coronavirus and COVID-19, but it was inevitable. So we're diving in and disinfecting as we go. Neil DeGrasse Tyson, we have questions for you... like what the hell is "Solar Geo Engineering", and do you ever think that scene at the end of Men In Black where there is a whole universe in a locker is plausible (we do...). Also, Leona seems to think she's not a millennial. She totally is... Agnes knows this as fact from her Gen X perch. More on that in a future episode.Tune in this week for what might be our last podcast... ya know, in case the ole 'Rona gets us. Agnes & Leona is a podcast about absolutely nothing. Cheers! So how does the world end? Top ten theories from Vox: https://www.vox.com/future-perfect/2018/10/18/17957162/nuclear-war-asteroid-volcano-science-climate-changeAgnes' "The Voice" audition idea: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uo7HB-slsm4&feature=youtu.beAnd just for fun: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSuc9o9h7Vw&feature=youtu.be PS- go buy capers. #COVID19 #Coronavirus #pandemic #Irritablebowelsyndrome #toiletpaperflex #panic #calmthefuckdown #weregoingtobeok #podcast #thevoice #NeilDeGrasseTyson #science #terminator #meninblack #outbreak #apocalypse #highanxiety #quarantine #chillout #virusvibes #thendoftheworldasweknowit #REM #mysherona #travelban #amazonautosubscribe #capers #AgnesandLeona #cheers      

We take humor pretty seriously. So much so that our nearest and dearest are often material/victims. AlsoThis week, we meant to explain why the hell we're podcasting at all, which somehow turned into talking about Agnes and her twisted pranks. If you've ever seen a life sized animatronic Santa Clause, can you imagine what kind of terror that can strike into the heart of someone arriving home after a long day and finding a darkened room with a red clad figure lurking in the shadows? Yep - makes us laugh too. Also, word of advice: don't give Agnes a key to your home. No one is safe.  Agnes & Leona is a podcast about absolutely nothing. Cheers! LINKS:NY Times Article about the psychology of pranks- we promise we only prank those we love the most: https://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/01/health/01mind.htmlScary Santa (we're sorry for this one): https://bit.ly/2VXJ7e3 Educated Guess Cabernet Sauvignon. It's a conversational wine. https://rootsrundeep.com/our-wines/ #pranks #scarysanta #dateline #homeinvasion #commitment #humor #comedy #scrubadubdub #twobitchesinatub #podcast #sacrasm #cheers #educatedguesswine #hobby #lowproduction #agenesandleona #bestfriends #weresorry 

So here we go again- it's funny how one trip to a third world country several years ago keeps rearing it's ugly head. This week, Agnes & Leona talk about an attempted vehicular homicide in the Philippines, and how it relates to a recent incident right here in a major metropolitan city of the ole US of A. The only fatality in this instance was the side view mirror of a Porche Cayenne, and maybe our faith in humanity. We hope you enjoy this week's death defying installment, that your insurance policies are paid up, and that you're feeling limber. You never really know when there's gonna be van bombing though a village hitting bicyclists along the way. Seems relevant to mention what you SHOULD do if involved in an accident with a bike: https://www.active.com/cycling/articles/how-to-handle-a-bike-accident-with-a-vehicle Also, we mention this hilarious bit from Dane Cook- it's worth a listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDDtSstcMh8&feature=youtu.be And lest we forget, the real hero of this story, the Honda Element. RIP Element, we hope Honda comes to their senses and brings you back one day: https://www.consumerreports.org/cars/honda/element/ Agnes & Leona is a podcast about absolutely nothing. Cheers!  #hondaelement #porchecayenne #bikeaccident #hitandrun #philippines #playingintraffic #frogger #balme #perspective #bitchesbecrazy #lookwhatyoudidtomyvan #podcast #comedy #agnesandleona #bestfriends #mimosas #mondaymorningvibes  

It is with heavy hearts that Anges & Leona record this week. Today we heard of the passing of literary pirate of our hearts, Mr. Clive Cussler. Clive Cussler was a New York Times best-selling author, and real life sea adventurer. We have a special love for dear Clive and his series of books "The Oregon Files", and to think that his last word has been written is a sad day indeed. In learning about Mr. Cussler's death, we learned about his incredible life, and his love of all things under the sea. His stories were often outrageous and improbable, and that much more entertaining as a result. Thank you, Clive. You will be missed. More about Clive Cussler: https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/obituaries/clive-cussler-best-selling-adventure-writer-who-sought-real-life-thrills-dies-at-88/2020/02/26/1f1929fc-58d0-11ea-9000-f3cffee23036_story.htmlHaven't listened to a Clive Cussler novel? We highly recommend it, particularly if it's read by Scott Brick (a voice-over genius if there ever was one): https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Clive+Cussler #CliveCussler #OregonFiles #trampsteamer #plagueship #ScottBrick #audiobooks #obituary #death #adventure #author #NYTbestseller #storyteller #audible #shipwreck #titantic #SOS  #sunkenship #naviphobia #roadtrips #RIP #wesaluteyou #burialatsea #pouringa40forourhomie #cheers

We need professional help. And by "we", we mean EVERYONE. But mostly us, because who are we to tell anyone else how to live? Let's leave that nonsense to the life coaches of the world. Also, can you life coaches stop spamming our inboxes? If we want your help, we'll go play in traffic till you find us. Therapists however, (or, "The Rapists" as one of the greatest SNL moments ever once called them), can actually be really helpful. Seriously! For once, we're not being snarky. That being said, just because we're serious doesn't mean we're not laughing. This week Agnes has a story about her mother, a deaf therapist, and a telephone, and Leona struggles to negotiate with millennials. It all ends with more questions than answers and a standing appointment with a mental health professional, or an AA meeting. We haven't decided which road to take yet... is this why people need life coaches?!?  Agnes & Leona is a podcast about absolutely nothing. Cheers!    

Do you remember where you were when Sharon Stone showed her hoo-hah to the world? What about when Buffalo Bill lowered that basket of lotion? We're guessing you weren't with your Nana... and if you were, we have the number of a great therapist for you. Which brings us to the topic of cringe-worthy film moments, and what really makes something "racy". Dear Leona recently watched 50 Shades of Grey and is still waiting for the pay-off. Agnes read the book and can tell you there isn't one. Join us while we talk all things film in an Oscar worthy performance of Agnes & Leona.  #statlerandwaldorf #film #moviereview #50shadesofgrey #basicinstinct #silenceofthelambs #it #horror #puthelotioninthebasket #erotica #flickingthebean #handcuffs #popcorn #familyfilms #sleepover #badparents #oscars #awardwinning #podcast #agnesandleona #comedy #bestfriends #darhumor #scrubadubdub #twobitchesinatub #grandma #nana #cheers #therapy

You know how to tell if someone loves you? They'll pop a pimple for you. You know how you tell if someone is absolutely OUT OF THEIR DAMN MIND? They watch hours of blackheads, cysts, and boils being lanced on youtube. Grossed out? Yeah, so are we. But, it turns out that those people who love picking at themselves and watching others do it too might be the ultimate survivors. (No really- Time Magazine says so: https://time.com/5459930/popping-pimples-videos/ ) You better believe that we're watching every second of that erupting glory on the ole inter-webs. Join us as we fly right off the rails and talk pimple popping. Agnes & Leona is a podcast about absolutely nothing. Cheers!

"Shit's about to go DOWN"... did you need a sign for that?!? Yeah, neither did we. We also didn't need the one in the kitchen telling us to cook, eat, pray, OR love. Basically, the idea of instructions via signage in the home is pretty annoying. And somehow that took us down the ADD rabbit hole to tattoos. Obviously. We're sorry. Kinda. Not really... Pardon us while we go try to find a sign that explains what we do in an office with a microphone and a computer.  Agnes & Leona is a podcast about absolutely nothing. Cheers.

Warning, DO NOT MIX THE ABOVE INGREDIENTS. I promise, it's a bad idea. Also, maybe don't listen to this on a full stomach. This week Agnes & Leona tackle the topic of indigestion- and it was totally unintentional. We start off with the simple and sage advice of humorist Dave Barry who said: "Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative the same night." We feel you, Barry. Agnes & Leona is a podcast about absolutely nothing. Cheers! 

Are you ready to die? No really, we're asking. Cause we have NO IDEA if when you come to the end of your life you're looking for the clock to punch out. Agnes was ready... but is that the norm? Join us as we talk about death (again), sprinting dachshunds, self-hospice, and how freaking awesome it is to be old friends.  Agnes & Leona is a podcast about absolutely nothing. Cheers!

This week, join Agnes & Leona for a story about being "taken"... sort of. It's an adventure about southeast Asia, a brothel and, the untimely (supposed) death of a best friend. Tune in to find out how it all ends. Or not...  Agnes & Leona is a podcast about absolutely nothing. Cheers!

Ever notice how people go absolutely crazy when it comes to funerals? We get it. Death... It's traumatic for the living. But it also can be really funny. Agnes & Leona begin their podcast with a story about the end. And talk about people who are a little nutty when it comes to showing they care.  Agnes & Leona is a podcast about absolutely nothing. Cheers.