The John Dredge Nothing To Do With Anything Show

It's the last episode of this hugely inflatable series, which can only mean one thing: yes, it's the last episode of the series. Or is it? Yes, it is. And we end it all in style with a whole host of famous guests flown in from all over Melton Mowbray. But where are Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Grumpy, Grover and Muriel? Who is the mysterious 'Frank Muir?' And why is Planet Skaro closed for repair? Find out in this, the Year of the Mahogany Sideboard. And whatever the conclusion, we hope you've enjoyed whatever this has been. Thank you for your time and effort. And do remember to keep 'em peeled. They taste awful with the skin left on.

Well done for making it to Episode Five, where we count our chickens both before and after the return of agricultural icon Farmer Collins, just for good measure. Ralph Ploojagig doesn't make an appearance this week - or any other week, for that matter - but perhaps Sunday Brunch will take him under their wing and give him some hot broth or both. Also, part of this week's programme will be in color... but which one? And can you find the missing U in 'color'? Write it in the margin of your Radio Times before you start listening and you too could win a signed super deluxe edition of Larry the Lamb Lies Down on Broadway in this, the Year of the Aardvark.

This week John looks at the rising problem of cellophane. He also meets a man in the street who takes a dim view of electricity, along with a porcupine called Ronald who emits squeaking noises (the two may be related). Plus catch up with the show's free-falling producer Richard Cray as he spends a welcome break in hospital. Why not send him hard-boiled eggs or nuts, or some such? (The two may be related.) Yes, it's all here - but why? And should it really be somewhere else? Find out, if you can, in this, the Year of the Plinth.

Today's low, low budget episode is brought to you by Kludge, which now comes in a handy three-ounce tin. On the 'show', for want of a more apposite description, you'll hear details of how to join our fan club, which proudly boasts over three members, many of them still alive. We welcome David Lynch as himself, sadly, and there is entertainment of an unusual nature when Harold the Mad Pianist emerges from a vat of soup to play for both King and country in this, the Year of the Mungbean.

In this week's slightly concave episode, John stumbles on the secret of life but loses it again during a particularly dramatic game of Buckaroo, and a man who lives on top of your TV set becomes embroiled in string. In the words of Twig Harper, never ever ever ever EVER forget that, whatever this programme contains, standards will be upheld in this, the Year of the Cube.

John Dredge returns with a new series that really lets the flavour flood out. False claims aside, car parks will be all the rage in this, the first episode since the last one, so spare a thought for things both hither and yon. Non-special guests include avant-garde composer Arnold Schoenberg, who will be communicating in his own inimitable style. Classical actor Greg Haiste returns to the fray for free, not that there was any money left in the piggy bank after we bought all those biscuits, and silage will definitely be to the fore in this, the Year of the Cagoule. So sit back, relax, pull your chair up to the ceiling, and let John and his cast of 48,000 do the rest. It's a gas!

In the last but also final programme of the series there are gannets for all the family, but it's the raspberries you need to watch out for. Tyne and also Wear are on the agenda, along with Leighton Buzzard, You and Yours, and the front door. Original beat combo The Garglers make an unwelcome reappearance, as does Terry, and, indeed, June. But will the theme tune explode? Where have all the rostrum cameras gone? And is Don Durbridge as slightly odd as he seems? Goodbye H'Eric!

In this week's barnstorming brouhaha of balderdash, agricultural singer/songwriter Farmer Collins goes more beserker than ever before. There's an exclusive wait as part of our detective serial which I've forgotten the title of, and Kojak tries to get out of Birmingham in his own inimitable style. Despite this, Leighton Buzzard shines forth once again, but do bring a puncture-repair kit just in case.

This week's barmy bonanza of bits and pieces brings you the BBC Mallard Orchestra direct from the lake, like, and there's a rather unusual visitor for both Terry and, indeed, June. We present an extremely dangerous space adventure complete with ice lollies, but who is Barry Morse? And can you think of a link? (Please note: Eeeee is pronounced eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Thank you.)

Nah den, in this week's 'programme' there's an exclusive Spot the Spatula competition (weather permitting), and we take a detailed look at the sporting world of sport, although it is rather difficult in this light. There are sessions from The Thwarted Postmen and Nancarrow's Not Normal, and children's favourite Basil the Cylinder nearly has another exciting adventure. But who's Binky when he's at home? Find out tonight, before the xylophones get you.

This week's show is held together with a special adhesive - but which one? Tune in and find out! There's an unusual vocal performance from Farmer Collins, who makes a special guest appearance by arrangement with silt, and when it comes to plans for chart domination there's no one quite like Numan. Tired and emotional? So is Trip Advisor expert Peter Pilbeam who gives us another hotel review for some reason, but who is Monty Modlyn? And is David Lynch really Keith Chegwin? Bunkers!

Let the fuzz ducks be unfurled once more as we present a seriously weird show, filled full of a galaxy of stars from all over Catford. David Lynch returns to read the weather forecast despite a landmark court ruling, and there's radiophonic stomachs a-plenty from both far and wide, and in that order. To be fair though, the gasman appears to be present and correct, but all is not as it seems. Or is it? Biscuits!

It'll take a lorry load of dynamite to stop us - and that's exactly what this week's episode provides. We also have several less than special guests, each bringing something to the table in their own inimitable style. But where are the chairs? Is it standing room only? Will the fuzz duck win through? And, if so, win through what? Tune in and find out in tonight's concluding audiotronic showdown... before it's too late!

An exciting detective serial doesn't kick off this week's programme. In fact, the serial comes slightly later into the show than you might think, although just how far in you think it is I have no idea. Never mind, though, as artichokes are very much to the fore tonight, along with classic U-boats and sundry assorted burgon dispensers. Ka-pow!

Biscuits! Ever wondered what space aliens get up to in Frinton? No?!? Then here's your chance to find out! Coming to you directly from our Pebble Mill studios, this week's mellifluous montage of music and movement comes to you directly from our Mebble Pill studios. For your free World of Twig Harper Magazine, please see press for details. Failing that, ask Jill at the front desk for one and see how far it gets you.

This week, The Actor Greg Haiste emerges from enforced retirement with self-penned material and receives short shrift, which becomes shorter and shriftier as time goes on. We also bring you not-at-all-acclaimed Trip Advisor contributor Peter Pilbeam as he reviews another hotel or something. Plus David Lynch showcases his unique control of the weather, despite receiving even shorter shrift than The Actor Greg Haiste. Fair do's, though, fair do's.

To the lilting strains of your friendly neighbourhood fuzz duck, we gather another episode while we may. In tonight's barnstorming bonanza of balderdash, Farmer Collins is on hand with a new yet unimproved agricultural song, and Terry Medford has trouble with his slippers. Plus, in Part Two, you can hear both Parts Three and Four for a limited time only. In fact, the limited time is now up, which shows you just how limited time can be.

In tonight's opening salvo of stuff, we bring you up-to-the-minute Shoe Shop News from the actual owners of a shoe shop. Avant-garde film-maker and amateur weather forecaster David Lynch turns up uninvited yet again, and there's a game show the like of which you've never heard before or since - but who is in the soundproof booth? And what of Basil the Cylinder? Tune in and find out, holdall fans!

And lo, we find ourselves at the end of another season of nutty audio raves from John Dredge and his heavily-coerced team of Richard Cray, Anna Emerson, Greg Haiste and James Shakeshaft until such a time as they are prepared to go 'boing' in the same room as each other once again. But never fear, odd listener, for they go out in fine style with an appearance from the latest in extra-terrestrial specimens - and all for the price of a single Green Shield stamp! Now, there's value, value fans! Plus David Lynch makes a surprise appearance (Oh, damn - we've ruined it).

John Dredge presents a startling report on the year's most shocking household implements. There will also be odd noises of all shapes and sizes, plus an argy-bargy of aquatic goodies including the sound of a very large splash, courtesy of our friends at Thames Water. All this, plus Leighton Buzzard in colour. With Richard Cray, Anna Emerson, Greg Haiste, and James Shakeshaft.

The omnipresent John Dredge returns – or does he? Some say he's never been away. Tune in to find out. Listeners in New Malden should take note that our roadshow team are also in the area, so please stand well back and allow them to pass along Coombe Road unhindered. Also this week: Who's behind the cartoon door? Is it Lord Hailsham? Or is it Richard Cray, Mark Davison, Anna Emerson, Greg Haiste, and James Shakeshaft? It's difficult to tell in this light.

In the third of six new podcasts, John Dredge invites our crack team of announcers to announce what's in this week's announcer-packed programme. Yes, every single item in the show has been lovingly frosted with audio glucose. Or has it? We welcome back agricultural song stylist Farmer Collins for some reason, and there's other things both here and there. If you'd like to swap this podcast for a game of Ker-plunk with half the accessories missing, give Noel a call on 01-811-8055. Biscuits!

In this week's edition, sideboards rule the roost and there's cubes a-plenty when Reigate comes into the picture - yet all is not as it seems (observe the conundrum as our theme tune is marched straight out of the studio). Pop personalities and phone-ins galore are also very much in short supply tonight, so grab your armchairs and await further instructions / know-how. Plus Trip Advisor's Peter Pilbeam tells you where to go. But not why, sadly. With John Dredge, Richard Cray, Anna Emerson, Greg Haiste, and James Shakeshaft.

Raise your holdalls once more, as the time has come for John Dredge to invoke the spirit of plinths, cagoules and vestibules and unveil a second series of The Nothing to Do With Anything Show. In this first act of audio audacity, we highlight the achievements of man, woman and shrew with not only the sounds of tomorrow today, but also the sounds of today tomorrow. Come one, come all: our Frinton studios await you! And why not join Richard Cray, Anna Emerson, Greg Haiste and James Shakeshaft in signing our logbook afterwards?

This week's indie comedy special includes the new single by Fractious Nit and an interview with pop twinnock Rex Twix. Madonna and Morrissey will be arguing in the kitchen, and there's another mention of New Malden as well as an uncanny reference to steam engines. We're still looking for people to take part in our 'Get in the Sideboard with a Crazed Lion' feature, so do contact us on this number. There's also the first episode of an amazing new science fiction adventure serial, so it's very unfortunate that this is the last programme of the series. Series 2 will follow in September.

On this week's programme, there's a very special interview which we can't tell you too much about because we've forgotten who it's with. Acclaimed non-Frinton-based actress Anna Emerson will also be saying several words, and guest star Reg Chimpolomew will be doing very little. There's also the ongoing adventures of Basil the Cylinder, the answers to last week's holdall-based quiz, and a whole host of other fabulous things which we've also forgotten about.

On this week's show, you'll not only hear a combine harvester but also the sound of a specially-built giant catapult. Guests include acclaimed actors Greg Haiste and Anna Worthington, as well as the less acclaimed Crazy Eric and Leonard Aircraft. There's extensive information about shoe shop logistics, and a feature on old bits of bark for both you and yours alike. The programme also comes with a free hat stand for all your hat standing needs. Well done.

In today's edition of t'Nowt to do Wi' Owt Show, why not join in with our agricultural singalong? There's also the sound of a tree falling over, and spaceships for all the family. This week's show is presented by John Dredge, who not only presents the show this week, but every week in fact. So put your feet up, sit back and deactivatatronalize for another load of audio fun and plinths.

This week's long-range programme comes to you from a burgon dispensing plant in Frinton, and includes fabulous adventures concerning artichokes and a special mention of New Malden for fans of New Malden. There's an unedited interview with a slightly odd person, an unusual quiz about sideboards, and one of Britain's oldest actors makes a special appearance inside a fish tank. Come, listen hither to our green inflatable audio extravaganza presented by John 'Radios' Dredge, fifth in line to the throne at Woolworths.

In this week's holdall-packed episode, Frinton TV's Twig Harper will be presenting the first of a 200-part series about something or other. There's also the first ever appearance on radio of an alarm clock with a tuba nailed to the side, and a Dalek will be appearing as himself. Plus find out what to do if a bowler hat is fired at you from a cannon. All this and a genuine policeman tonight on tonight's collection of audio accoutrements tonight, presented by string consultant and banjo tuner to the Royal Family, John Dredge, tonight.