Born Offside

ENGLAND IS IN THE FINAL!!!ENGLAND IS IN THE FINAL!!!ENGLAND IS IN THE FINAL!!!ENGLAND IS IN THE FINAL!!!ENGLAND IS IN THE FINAL!!!ENGLAND IS IN THE FINAL!!!ENGLAND IS IN THE FINAL!!!ENGLAND IS IN THE FINAL!!!ENGLAND IS IN THE FINAL!!!ENGLAND IS IN THE FINAL!!!ENGLAND IS IN THE FINAL!!!ENGLAND IS IN THE FINAL!!!ENGLAND IS IN THE FINAL!!!ENGLAND IS IN THE FINAL!!!ENGLAND IS IN THE FINAL!!!ENGLAND IS IN THE FINAL!!!ENGLAND IS IN THE FINAL!!!ENGLAND IS IN THE FINAL!!!ENGLAND IS IN THE FINAL!!!

New Season, same old shit, we kinda go through or predicted table then think we're running out of time, only to waste the last 5 minutes on Southampton.

Will the space time continuum be ruptured? Or do they play on opposite sides of the pitch and probably nothing will happen? did Leipzig lose because of Julian's incredibly tight trousers? Does Ever Banega belong on the street? Are you still reading this description?

Barcelona are shit, Pep over thinks, Sterling misses, and we've got about 30 mins on each of those things.

We say goodbye to Joao and his pool skimmer, arrivederci to the boys from Bergamo, and hello to ... well nothing good. Will Lionel be able to give Barca a semi or will Jerome get his revenge? Join us for all that and an incredible insight into the mind of Phil Foden.

We contemplate the attractiveness of Andrea Pirlo, Mr Felix, and Mauricio Sarri. Doesn't turn out well for old ladies that. And also, we wave goodbye to Ronaldo, and worry about Thomas Muller's age.

Like all good cockroaches, we're back. And this time it's Champion's Legal! We've got Paul Scholes and his albino lockdown parties, El Cholo and his balls, and other serious stuff.

Messi is aging backwards, Bayern ruin everything, oh and football is back!!!! Sadly everyone now hates Spurs.

We're back. Corona didn't kill us, and it didn't kill football either. We discuss the important things on everyone's mind, like what's up with Thomas Muller, whether Suarez is safe to play with, and what's going on with Disney land and the Bio dome.

Stuff, stuff, and more stuff. Just the kind of stuff to stuff the stuffing out of stuff... after Christmas.

Yes, we still exist. And yes we are talking about the apocalypse potentially derailing Liverpool's title bid.

We finally settled our law suit with Rebekah Vardy's instagram account and we're back on the air.

Jason's watched some football. Dave claims to have, near-hilarity insists.

Eric's made our week, Bobby Firminho is pearly and we don't like Michael Owen much.

They’ve signed a crack poodle. He’s a liability. He’s going to make a shit defence even worse… just with bigger hair. All this plus more David, David, Niko, Niko, and more dribble when all you want is a shower.

We discuss when Fat Lamps and OGS will now get sacked, an abysmal Southampton and Watford, and Poch throwing Tizzy Wizzes.

The season is upon us and we're happy. We talk transfers, the title race, who's going down, and other things which have little-to-nothing to do with football.

This season! There'll be another in 3 weeks! We don't care if you don't listen.

All you need to know about Lionesses, Vikings, and another whole segment on filthy Luis Suarez's tears. Gotta love it.

From Double Mini Trampolines Championships to Champions League Finals... with Love. Of course. Which will prevail in the level-of-importance-o-meter?

Tacking all the tough issues like whether anyone really cares about tonight, if Sarri is bringing in new Roman practices to London, and how 'gentleman' Petr Cech swaps sides right when it matters.

We try to drink champagne out of the charity shield, preview the dance world cup, and wonder why Pep has no friends.

There's nothing left to review, except Marcelo's bucket, so we spend far too long on that before briefly despairing about the cup final.

Manchester City claim the Premier League title, Solkjear finally gets a tune out of Cardiff, and we go over our end-of-the-year awards.

Lady fate is here, as we revisit Ajax's misfortunes down the cruiser, and if anyone doubted Poch's fitness methods, just take a look at Luke Shaw now.

From Baku to Madrid, to Amsterdam and Liverpool. Lord knows where anyone ever is any more! What's going on?! We go through two of the most amazing comebacks in Champions League history.

You wanted drama? Well, you've already had it. The season is sadly sizzling out, but not before one last gasp from the Etihad. That plus more from Warnock... of course.

Playing a Harry card while saving soon-to-be-shot-at ailing grandmothers in row Z. All this and more, as we dissect all the horrid-ness of Barcelona players, and just how much we think of Luis Suarez.

What a time to be alive. The French have taken over Instagram, and there is no way back for the rest of us. The bar is set and Dave & J can only but ogle and marvel at the splendour of it all.

G Nev goes all horticultural, Mustafi goes all kinds of terrible, and the title race goes on and on.

Oh god. The best game ever? I'll leave it to you, listeners. Either way, there's a lot of babble. Any by that, I don't mean a red-bleached forward for Fulham.

More babbling, more dross, more Hendrix, but no moss. Bring on another Premier League review, and a saucy Champions League to look forward to.

Smalling smashes Messi, Fernandinho smashes Kane, and we smash this one out of the park... Well, not quite, but we give it a shot anyway.

More bollocks from the Premier League, racism (bollocks) from Italy, and a load of crap levelled at Liverpool. All in a day's pod.

Dave reiterates his disgust, disdain, and general dislike for Ronaldo, while Jason takes a few chunks out of his mate cus Saints finally beat Tottenham.

The Champions League has produced the result of the competition so far. Real Madrid have fallen to the Mighty Ajax, gods of war for the day, rampaging stallion 'lads'. They've only gone and done it, haven't they!

Another delve into the conundrum that is... FOOTBALLS!! While Sarri is defied, Puel is sacked, and Poch has it out with Dean. Just another day at the office then.

While running orders are rapidly dispelled, we delve into the why's of 'that' celebration.

Or is it Jayden Sanchez? Kylian Mbappe's his way back into our lives, Pog gets naughty, and any foul on Dani Alves is ok

More ramblings from Dave & J, and more left-sided predictions

More antics from the Premier League.

Dave finds his Father and welcomes back his Son. All in one podcast.

The French are at it again. First midgets, then sex workers, and now golden steaks and holy contraception. Oh and some football, but not a lot cos people kept interrupting us.

On the Vietnamese man. Thank god it wasn't a Tiger. Also, some football sneaks into the first podcast of 2019!

We're back. And we're a lot better than Jesus, like Sergio Aguero better than Jesus. Don't believe us, just ask Shaqaubalacamane!

You couldn't have asked for a more disjointed podcast. We give you, Blipping Madness. More Premier League matches to come, and the Champion's League places decided.

Will City finally be derailed? Will the rabbit hutch release the rabbits? And who is on hippy-crack?

Jason is on the moon and Dave is a Pila. No matter, as we tackle the delicate dishing DJs dish out to first time golden ballers. Well done Martin! You've excelled in dish-dickery!

When poodles swerve, people notice. When poodles back out, people follow. This poodles has it all, people. He has it all.

Another episode. Another chicken slapped. Is there no end to the sagas portrayed by our very loved football players?

Oh and England are promoted! And Portugal are too somehow, along with the Netherlands and Switzerland, killing all our waffle jokes!