What's Lightsabers, Precious?

EMERGENCY POD! What happens when you get a chance to adapt Tolkien's epic for Leningrad TV with no budget, two horses, and a prog rock band right before the fall of the Soviet Union? Khraniteli, the recently excavated 1991 2-part miniseries! It's a weird one, so buckle up, buddies!

SPOILER WARNING! In this special episode we talk in-depth about Rise of Skywalker and The Mandalorian, but mostly about Klaud the Banana Slug Monster.

In this special episode, we pay respects and look back on the life and career of Christopher "Daddy's Books" Tolkien, the patron saint of the Middle-Earth half of this podcast. Plus, important info about the future of the show!

How long have Gimli and Loki been dating? How do you teach Darth Maul about Christmas? Answers to these questions, plus pregnant Frodo, Luke Skywalker in Barbie pajamas, and other holiday tales to warm the cockles of your heart.

How was the Witch-King like Elsa? Canonically, how many toes does a Yoda have? Answers to these questions, plus flossing, Balto discussion, and Werner Herzog telling it like is.

What's the hoary history of where hobbits habitate? What's the backstory behind the bounty hunting beskar badasses? Answers to these questions, plus Witch-King waggery, anti-Jedi jetpacks, and yet more yarns from Yahoo Answers.

What were Morgoth's bud holes like? What happens when you mix Titanic, 2001, and WarGames with a sprinkle of terrible decisions? Answers to these questions, plus shilling for Disney, loving lamps, and the glorious return of Dash "The Man" Rendar.

How is Mordor like Florida? How many chapter cliffhangers involving bugs can your book have before actually being scary? Answers to these questions, plus a rare Lord of the Rings-Star Wars news crossover, Tolkien's heavy metal streak, and the return of the skimboard.

It's time to get SPOOKY! What's scarier - naked Nazgul or Clay Aiken? When will Tash Arranda learn the meaning of stranger danger? Answers to these questions, plus THE SPARAT WALD, Boba Fett being cool, and seriously, Clay Aiken?

Does Bombur have a personality besides "fat guy?" Who's the shrewd blue dude Disney was wooed to include? Answers to these questions, plus in-depth discussions of Force Friday, real Norwegian TV shows, and art appreciation gone wrong.

What are the secret origins of J.R.R. Tolkien's breezy children's novel "The Hobbit?" Why should Splinter of the Mind's Eye actually be a movie? Answers to these questions, plus pacifist coward heroes, DBZ battles, and cool teen boys at the movie theater.

Regarding Sauron's rings of power, who wore it better - elves, dwarves, or men? How do you write a low-budget sequel to one of the biggest blockbusters of all time? Answers to these questions, plus more baffling musical cues, the dreaded return of horny paragraphs, and two separate references to Kamala Harris being a cop.

Did Pippin have god-like powers in the Swedish Lord of the Rings? Who is Ratio Tile and what does he have to do with the Presbyterian Hopeless Situation Warriors? Answers to these questions, plus Master Thief King, Reaching the West of Reaches, and some actual interesting stories from the world of language translation.

Rotoscoping: the economical future of animation or weird uncanny garbage? Is using literal Nazi propaganda to represent evil a little too on-the-nose? Answers to these questions, plus butterfly balrogs, fairies vs. Hitler, and the secret origin of the WLP theme song in our NICEest episode yet.

How is 9/11 connected to Lord of the Rings' satantic agenda? Is there a religion out there that allows one to wear a hood in public? Answers to these questions, plus taking a stand, George W. Bush's magic ring, and the Dark Mageocracy.

How did a fresh-faced extra launch a fandom phenomenon? Is a greedy, big-nosed human trafficker a problematic character? Answers to these questions, plus medicine balls, vintage 2000s internet posts, and the art of the deal.

Who deserves a Middle-Earth's Greatest Dad coffee mug? Would anyone actually read something titled Document CO(CL) 56-95? Answers to these questions, plus ninnyhammers, Shirley Temple bugs, and Khan, all in this special Father's Day episode guest starring Joanna's mom!

Who the heck is Sharkey? How is Gragra the Gorgmonger the unsung hero of Mos Espa? Answers to these questions, plus Glorfy Baby, Dex's flying diner, and character actor Bruce Spence.

How would the DSM describe Smeagol's mental state? Are AT-ATs just walking death traps? Answers to these scientific queries, plus red tickets, Aragorn's arterial partial pressure, and Australian tank-men.

The conclusion to the WORST NAME CHALLENGE THUNDERDOME has arrived! We count down the contenders from best to worst and discuss our adventure into Detroit's SPACE DIVE. 28 names enter, 1 leaves... AS THE WORST!

Which dreamy brother caused Pippin to go through puberty? How far can you push Looney Tunes references before it becomes unbearable? Answers to these questions, plus spires, weird elf twins, and furry crack teams.

Can one act of bro-ish one-upsmanship end a line of kings? Should you be wary if a pilot droid offers to show you "something neat?" Answers to these questions, plus TEN THOUSAND YEARS, references to Ruben Studdard, and the shocking truth behind Joanna's Mountain Dew experience.

Can you call yourself an anarchist if you support the idea of a stamp-lovin' king? What do Max Rebo and Celine Dion have in common? Answers to these questions, plus hot dugs, Secret Stoner Saruman, and the iconic cargo shorts of Droopy McCool.

With Ryan parasailing with manatees in Florida, Joanna takes it upon herself to eat some chips! Oh, and also call up her friend and fellow Tolkien nerd Teresa to discuss the Tolkien exhibit at the Morgan Museum in NYC. What do World War I, seven-year-old boys sitting on their infant sisters, and a strange man who can't stop talking about Watership Down have in common? They all featured in this exhibit--listen to learn more!

Can you justify being a deadbeat dad if you're secretly fighting Sauron? What would Freud say about Jabba making a dancer look like his mom-dad? Answers to these questions, plus trees & seas, Gamorrean detective work, and the conclusion to the Worst Name Challenge (for now!)

DARK GREETINGS!!! KYLO REN HAS ARRIVED WITH YOUR DAILY DOSE OF DESPAIR IN THE KYLOCAST!!! THIS WEEK'S SEGMENTS: *KYLO'S HIGH-LOWS *REN-LATIONSHIP ADVICE *BB-9E'S RANT OF THE WEEK *PISSIN' ON THE RESISTANCE *KYLO RAPS DO YOU DARE LISTEN TO THESE DARK TRUTHS?? SHARE LIKE SUBSCRIBE OR SUFFER!!!

What happens when you have a son whose only mood is "boats"? How far will a traffic control droid go to get revenge? Answers to these questions, plus yacht rock, de wanna wanga, and ye.

What's an entwife look like? What do you get when Groot shops at Hot Topic? Answers to these questions, plus the truth about Lord Farquaad, girlfriend in the Brown Lands (you wouldn't know her), and an unidentified talking tree species.

What shocking revelations are contained in Tolkien's last recorded letter? Should you sleep with a H'menthe? Answers to these questions, plus lots of other fun facts about Tolkien's only friend, Sullustan skin care routines, and lots more as we spin the Random Article Roulette!

Would Gandalf's return be as glorious if he emerged from a shallow moat after biting the balrog? Is there anything in the rulebook that says a blob can't play golf? Answers to these questions, plus Gollum's spider dance, Ted Sandyman's Cookie Factory, and lots of completely original sportsgames.

How does one set up a tryst with a wizard on Weathertop? Is it possible for just your ears to melt off in a podracing crash? Answers to these questions, plus Pippin hating mpreg, man-sized balrogs with gorgeous hair, and lots of funny Star Wars noises.

A tribute to Mara Jade, set to the tune of Patti LaBelle's Lady Marmalade.

What was the alternate, more heavy metal ending to Return of the King? Is Mara Jade incredibly cool or just a Mary Sue? Answers to these questions, plus Sam-dad, Tatooine as a right-to-work state, and some heartwarming reader's theater.

What is considered "magic" in Middle-Earth anyway? Is hyperspace really the safest way to travel? Answers to these questions, plus homeopathic evil, hyperspace buffalo, and lots and lots of song cues.

In this one-off special, Eric (of Vertiguys), Connor, Joanna and Ryan (of What's Lightsabers, Precious?) talk NINJA SCROLL, the 1993 anime movie with a lot of ninjas and a distinct lack of scrolls. Is it awesome, awful, or somewhere in-between? We aim to discover the truth in this amoral world! WARNING: If you don't want to hear discussion of sexual situations or snakes in places they shouldn't be in regards to the female body, you might want to sit this one out.

A song about Prince Xizor being a pheromone pervert. Sung to the tune of "Suddenly, Seymour" from Little Shop of Horrors.

A tribute to Dash "The Man" Rendar to the tune of Queen's "Flash."

Are sheep better than men? Does a wookiee life debt entitle you to a wingman even if you're stuck in carbonite? Answers to these questions, plus a guy named after a crystal ball, slight hooting noises, and a couple of musical numbers.

Just how racist is Middle-Earth? What makes a relaxed-fit smuggler lose his swagger? Answers to these questions, plus wepwethentatives, BEARS SHOUTING, and gross paragraphs.

What phat loot dropped from the 40-man raid of Dagor Bragollach? How many incredibly cool and normal dudes can one introduce in a single book? Answers to these questions, plus Numenorian jellyfish, Breaking Bad analogies, and snacks.

Can male elves get pregnant? Who's a guy gotta kill to become the Pumpkin King? Answers to these questions, plus filk, sea longing, and other heartwarming holiday tales.

Who says princesses are for girls and starfighters are for boys? Do you want an Arwen doll or an X-wing toy? Your personal answers to these questions, plus semi-appropriate Disney songs, looking at plastic spaceships, and blowing up the Happy Meal dichotomy.

Is a troll that lives in a cave in the mountains a cave troll or mountain troll? What's Salacious Crumb's middle name? Answer to these questions, plus sqwiwwels, the high price of comedy, and pressing F to pay respects.

To celebrate our one-year podcast anniversary we created a game called HOBWOKS and played it with our special guests Abbey and Jack! Stay tuned for the Worst Name Challenge, a preview of what's to come, and completely real ads not recorded for comedy purposes! Download HOBWOKS here: https://goo.gl/xRa8Rp

How does Middle-Earth calculate leap years? Where do egg babies come from? Answers to these questions, plus unfriends, pet teens, and Richard Slap.

How do you get the best reception with a palantir? Is it safe to meet with strangers from the Holonet? Answers to these questions, plus Sauron's buddy profile, Dannik Jerriko's FurAffinity, and Daddy Longshanks.

What's the most contentious argument in the Tolkien legendarium? Can a hologram eat a guy? Answers to these questions, plus balfrogs, poker night, and naming someone after a stomach gurgle in our last week of SPOOKY OCTOBER!

What category of ghost do the Dead Marshes fit into? Can you trust an organization called the Imperial Biological Welfare Division? Answers to these questions, plus two Sherlocks, monster blobs, and possibly our worst intro ever as Spooky October spooks along!

Why are there ghost dudes trapped in a mountain full of skulls? How do you retell Re-Animator for kids who love Star Wars? Answers to these questions, plus Isildur's giant dad, a trip in the Numenoran Delorean, and jetpacking away from conversations as SPOOKY OCTOBER continues!

What happens when the Witch King's demons gentrify your neighborhood? What's your creepy shape-shifting uncle doing all day? Answers to these questions, plus Tom Bombadil's fire tracks, Hey Chood, and other thrills and chills in our first installment of Spooky October!

Which fantasy animal did Tolkien introduce to the world? Why does a tauntaun stink so bad? The answers to these questions, plus demon possession, misguided attempts at camouflage, and Michael Fassbender. New Yorker LOTR article: https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2001/12/10/the-hobbit-habit Episode gallery: https://imgur.com/gallery/Mov2gmh Lucasarts Game Informer article: https://www.gameinformer.com/b/features/archive/2015/04/04/fall-of-the-empire-how-inner-turmoil-brought-down-a-legendary-studio.aspx