Podcast appearances and mentions of alfred what

Patrick dives into the true nature of good works within the grace of God and their role in our salvation. He grapples with challenging ethical questions, offering guidance and compassion to listeners like Rebecca, struggling with moral decisions regarding health and faith. Patrick reminds us to not live in fear but instead focus on faith and prayer, encouraging everyone to live in peace rather than in despair.   Deedee - I was finally baptized and you were very inspirational to my conversion! Lou - What advice do you have for a new father? I am going to be a dad soon and we are not married. (05:19) Alfred - What are considered works from a Catholic perspective? (13:27) Rebecca (email) – My doctor is recommending that I use contraceptives to alleviate health pains. (20:29) Fred - I was in the same situation as Lou 20+ years ago. I made the right choice and now my daughter is graduated and beautiful and I couldn't imagine anyone else having raised her. Teresa - I was praying for an intention about trying to get someone a scholarship, and instantly Relevant Radio had a commercial about a college scholarship. I asked about it and the person was able to get the scholarship. This happened while listening to your show! Marie – Could the Jewish slaughtering of two red heifers bring about the 3 Days of Darkness? (36:07) Reba - How do we stay in a mindset of peace while in the midst of Nuclear War and stressful situations? (47:28)

Episode Notes Learn English with Two Old Men. The Two Old Men are back! Alfred wants to surprise Geoffrey with cake and balloons. Alfred tells a story about his wife's hate of technology.Support us Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglishHow to use See the website (www.chucklenglish.com) on how to learn with the podcast.Transcript Alfred: Welcome to a very special episode of Learn English with two old men. Why is it a special episode? That’s because today is Geoffrey’s birthday! So, I thought it would be nice to surprise him. I’ve turned the lights off, so he will think I’m not here. Shhh, here he comes! Geoffrey: Hello? Alfred? Where are you? The lights are off. I’ve got the wrong day again! Oh well! I may as well take advantage of being alone by searching for Alfred’s hidden biscuits! He has to hide them from his wife! Silly old man! Anyway, where is the light? Here it is! Alfred: That’s not a light-switch Geoffrey, that’s my... Geoffrey: Ahh! Alfred are you ghost? I’m sorry by old friend. Alfred: Geoffrey, I’m not a ghost. Now, please take your hand off me! Geoffrey: Are you sure that is not the light-switch? Alfred: I’m very sure Geoffrey! Geoffrey: Are you a ghost, Alfred? Alfred: No, I’m just sitting in the dark! Geoffrey: Why is that? Alfred: You’ll see! I’m going to turn the lights on, now! Surprise! Geoffrey: Ahhh! Alfred: Happy birthday Geoffrey! Geoffrey: My heart! Are you trying to kill me! Alfred: I have thought about it a few times, to be honest. But, today is a celebration of your birthday! Geoffrey: What are all these things? Alfred: That’s a birthday cake, they are balloons, and those are some presents! Geoffrey: Balloons at my age? I’m not a child! Alfred: Every year, you are more similar to a child than you think! Geoffrey: Yes. Do you know what an exploding balloon can do to someone my age? Alfred: Give them a sense of happiness? Geoffrey: No! I remember last year, in the retirement home, they celebrated old Mavis’s 90th birthday. However, a balloon exploded. Half the people died from the shock! Alfred: Sorry Geoffrey! That sounds horrible! Geoffrey: Yes, yes! Well, the good news was that no-one ate the birthday cake! So, I took it home! It was delicious! Alfred: Right! Geoffrey: I have to tell you something Alfred. Alfred: What is it? Geoffrey: My birthday was yesterday. Alfred: Ah really? Geoffrey: Well, at least that is what they tell me. But, I’m sure they change my birthday every year. Alfred: I thought it was today! I’m sorry Geoffrey. Actually, I have no idea. It’s my wife who has all the birthday’s written down. She tells me. She even bought the cake, balloons and the presents. I don’t know what I would do without her. Geoffrey: Your wife bought the cake? Alfred: Yes, why? Geoffrey: It’s not one of those organ cakes is it? Alfred: An organ cake? Geoffrey: Yes, one of those healthy organ cakes. Alfred: Oh! You mean organic. Geoffrey: Yes! That is what I said! Alfred: I have no idea; I can’t read the ingredients on packets these days. Geoffrey: Is it chocolate? Alfred: Yes, as you like it! Geoffrey: real chocolate? Alfred: Yes, I presume so. Geoffrey: Ok, I’ll have some after we’ve finished talking here. Do we actually have any listeners? Alfred: Yes! I think we have at least one. Geoffrey: It’s not your wife is it? Alfred: No, she hates technology. Our daughter once bought her an iPad for her birthday. Geoffrey: I have an ‘eye-pad’ I put it on my eyes every night so go to sleep. They are really good for people like me who can’t sleep with even a tiny bit of light! You see when I put it over my eyes, I can’t see anything! Alfred: Geoffrey... Geoffrey: Alfred. However, when I wake-up sometimes I forget that I’ve got my eye-pad on and I think I’ve gone blind! It’s a scary feeling! First, I have to find my way to the bathroom to go and do a number one. Then, I try to go to the kitchen, by holding onto the walls. I only usually realize that I’m wearing my ‘eye-pad’ when I give myself a wash an hour later. Then I take it off and realize that I’m not blind! It’s such a relief! Alfred: Can’t you feel the eye-mask on your face? Geoffrey: No, no. With all of those years outside, at my age, my skin is like wood. I can’t feel much these days, and that’s just my face! Alfred: Geoffrey. You are talking about an eye-mask. I’m talking about an iPad, it’s not the same. Geoffrey: Oh no? What is an iPad then? Alfred: You’re just like my wife! Geoffrey: Are you going to tell me? Alfred: Yes, I was about to tell you about my wife. Geoffrey: Ok, stop interrupting then! Please, go ahead! Alfred: Well, an iPad is like a little computer that looks like a big mobile telephone. Geoffrey: Ah a computer! Yes, I’ve used those sometimes in the library and at the day care centre. Doris tells me that the computer has been there 10 years and I was probably only the second one to use it in that time! Alfred: If you were the second person to use it, who was the first person to use it? Geoffrey: That was Joe, although we gave him the nickname Peeping Joe. Alfred: Who the devil is Peeping Joe? Geoffrey: He’s dead now. I think he was a pervert; he used to peep at the old ladies in their rooms through the keyhole. Alfred: Now I understand his nickname. Geoffrey: He used to use the computer every day for a year, and then go to his room. He was eventually caught on the computer looking at pornographic material. Something called GILFs. No idea what that means. Alfred: Me neither. But the computer was in the communal area, why did it take a long time for him to be caught? Geoffrey: Well, it’s a day care centre for the elderly. They’re all practically blind! They can’t see a thing! Alfred: A bit like us! Geoffrey: A lot worse. When I go there, I sometimes take advantage of their poor sight. Alfred: You take advantage of their poor sight? How? Geoffrey: Well, they often take biscuits back to their chairs and forget about them because they can’t see them. So, I take a walk around the room and collect all the forgotten biscuits. Alfred: That’s terrible Geoffrey! Why do you do that? Geoffrey: Well, you remember that my wife doesn’t let me have biscuits, don’t you? Alfred: Yes, but that is a terrible thing to do. Geoffrey: Why Alfred? Alfred: You’re stealing other people’s biscuits! Geoffrey: But, they’ve forgotten about them! If they don’t they get thrown in the rubbish by the cleaners. Alfred: Hmm Geoffrey: I guess you can say that I’m doing my part to help save the world! It’s my way of recycling! Alfred: I do see your point, but it’s not the same as recycling plastic, is it? Geoffrey: At my age, it’s just as good! I even take the half-eaten biscuits sometimes, if I haven’t had a biscuit all day that is! Alfred: That doesn’t surprise me Geoffrey! Geoffrey: Anyway, you were telling me about your wife’s iPad... Alfred: Yes, but I don’t think it can beat your story Geoffrey: Don’t be miserable, tell me. Alfred: Ok. My daughter bought my wife an iPad... Geoffrey: The little computer Alfred: Yes, the little computer. It was a present for her birthday. My daughter showed her how to turn it on, read books, check her email, although my wife has never sent an email message in her life. She even showed her how to subscribe to this podcast! Geoffrey: Subscribe to this podcast? Is that possible? Alfred: Oh yes! We’re on iTunes, Spotify, Google Podcasts. People can even support us by subscribing on Patreon, all links are in the show notes. Geoffrey: I have no idea what you just said, but it sounds like a good idea! Alfred: Yes, subscribing is a great idea! Geoffrey: That was strange; it was like you were doing an advert in the middle of the podcast! Alfred: Yes, it was like an advert. Subscribe now! Geoffrey: Wow, back to the iPad. Alfred: Yes, after a day, my wife forgot how to use it. She now uses it for something completely different. Geoffrey: What does she use the iPad for? Alfred: Well, if you look under the cake. Geoffrey: Let me have a look... Ah yes! Alfred: Yes, she now uses the iPad as a tray for cakes and cups of tea! Geoffrey: I don’t usually like your mother’s... Alfred: My mother? Geoffrey: I mean your wife’s healthy lifestyle, but that is a great idea to recycle something. Alfred: I don’t know if it is a great idea. As I said the iPad was completely new! Geoffrey: I do need a new tray for my cups of tea. I might buy one of these iPads myself. Alfred: You do know how much they cost, don’t you? Geoffrey: Oh! They’re expensive are they! Alfred: A lot more than your monthly pension! Geoffrey: Maybe not. Anyway, I’d really like a piece of cake, Alfred. Alfred: Me too, I’ll call my wife for another cup of tea to celebrate my friend’s birthday. Geoffrey: It’s your friend’s birthday? Alfred: Yes, you are my friend, it’s your birthday. Geoffrey: Thank you. I guess that is why you have the cake Alfred: Oh Geoffrey! Happy Birthday! Geoffrey: Happy Birthday Geoffrey! Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes Learn English with Two Old Men. The Two Old Men are back! This is a two-part episode. An episode of mystery and a very long story by Geoffrey! Support us Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglishHow to useSee the website (www.chucklenglish.com) on how to learn with the podcast.Transcript Alfred: Welcome to the second and final part of our story about false teeth. Do you want to remind the audience what happened last time Geoffrey? Geoffrey: Last time? Alfred: Yes, in last week’s episode. Geoffrey: What do you mean last week’s episode? We just recorded that last episode 5 minutes ago! Alfred: Oh no! Geoffrey, for the listeners, a week has passed since the last episode. Yes, we are recording both episodes at once. But, they don’t know that. Geoffrey: They do now! You just told them! Alfred: Please, just tell them what happened. Geoffrey: Ok. I was on a bus with Doris. She took out her teeth to try and kiss me. However, we couldn’t find her teeth. So, everyone on the bus started looking for them. We didn’t find them. We only found a false leg! Alfred: Thanks Geoffrey. So, this is part 2. You found the false leg and what happened next? Geoffrey: I stood up and as I was taking the false leg to the front of the bus, I felt a hand on my backside. Alfred: A hand on your backside? Geoffrey: Yes! That’s what I said! I thought it was Doris, trying to get her hands on me again. So, I told her “Not now! Please don’t touch my backside!” It’s a danger zone down there at my age. Alfred: Did she stop? Geoffrey: No. She then touched my backside again. I was starting to get a little frustrated! I said “I’m sorry, but I’m a married man, now please stop touching my bum, Doris!” Alfred: Was it Doris who was touching your bum? Geoffrey: Yes, I looked back and it was Doris. Bent over looking and touching my bum. Quite aggressively too! Alfred: Oh! Geoffrey: So, I started to wave the false-leg in her direction. Alfred: Why? Geoffrey: To try and scare her off of course! Alfred: Did it work? Geoffrey: Yes! She moved back a little of afraid of my aggressive waving, then she went to the back of the bus. I stayed at the front, away from that sex mad woman! We eventually all stopped looking and the bus arrived at my stop. I gave the false-leg to the bus-driver. Alfred: So you never did find the false-teeth, did you? Geoffrey: Wait for it! Alfred: Ok, go ahead. Geoffrey: As I got off the bus. I noticed a man in the distance. He was coming towards the bus. He looked quite animated and he was hopping. Alfred: He was hopping, on one leg? Geoffrey: Yes! Yes! Alfred: Ok, of course! He must have been the man that... Geoffrey: He looked quite angry, so I said to the bus driver you should go quickly, there’s a strange man coming towards the bus. Alfred: Geoffrey? Geoffrey: So, the bus drove off before the man arrived. Alfred: Geoffrey? Geoffrey: Yes? What is it Alfred? Alfred: You don’t think that was the man who was missing the false-leg, do you? Geoffrey: Oh! I didn’t think of that. He could have at least walked a little calmer! Alfred: Dear me! Geoffrey: As I was saying. I was all a little tired by the situation! So, I decided to go the park. However, when I sat down, I felt something on my bottom! Alfred: Was it Doris? Geoffrey: No! She stayed on the bus! Alfred: What was it then? Geoffrey: It was Doris’s false teeth! They were stuck to my trousers by a melted chocolate bar! Alfred: So, Doris was only trying to get her teeth and wasn’t trying to touch your backside then. Geoffrey: Yes, now I know that! Alfred: Poor Doris. Geoffrey: Poor Geoffrey! Another pair of trouser ruined! Alfred: Did you give Doris her teeth back? Geoffrey: No, not yet. I’ve been using them to hide my sweets from my wife! Alfred: Geoffrey! Give them back! Geoffrey: Well, where can I hide my sweets? Alfred: You should really talk to your wife! Geoffrey: But, sometimes I can’t understand a word she is saying! Alfred: That because you’re half-deaf! Geoffrey: Yes, yes, yes! What? Alfred: I’ll tell you what you can leave your sweets here, that is until you speak to your wife. Geoffrey: You won’t eat them will you? Alfred: Of course not! I’m more of a biscuit-man myself! Geoffrey: You are a great friend! Alfred: Thanks. Now, go and give Doris her teeth back. Then, go home and speak to your wife! Geoffrey: Alright. I’m going! Alfred: Bye Geoffrey. Geoffrey: Bye! Alfred: Well, Geoffrey has gone, so that is another podcast finished. Thanks for listening. Now, where did he put those sweets? Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes Learn English with Two Old Men. Level: Advanced - A new character with a new accent. Don't worry, the more you listen to accents the more you get used to them. :-)Another day in the shed. But where is Geoffrey? A strange and very confused woman enters the shed while Alfred is waiting for Geoffrey to arrive. She seems to be obsessed about promoting her turkey sandwiches at the market fair.Support us Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglishHow to use See the website (www.chucklenglish.com) on how to learn with the podcast.Transcript* Alfred: Welcome to another episode of Two Old Men in a Shed. Well, I’m here alone. Geoffrey is nowhere to be seen. I might as well tell you a little bit more about myself. I’m a bit of a collector. I collect teaspoons. I’ve got over 100 of them. Each one is different. You see tea spoons... Doris: Hello! Alfred: err...Hello? Doris: It’s Doris. Is this the radio station? It’s Doris. Alfred: Well, actually it’s my hobby podcast. Doris: I’m looking for the radio station. It’s Doris. Alfred: Well, I suppose you could call this a radio station of sorts. Doris: Yes, I was told this was the radio station. It’s Doris. Alfred: Ok, your name is Doris. Why are you looking for the radio station? Doris: I want to tell the world about the market fair. Alfred: What market fair? Doris: That’s why I’m here; to tell the world about it, to give them information. I’ve baked some cakes and made some turkey sandwiches for it. It’s Doris! Alfred: Ok, Doris. But, surely you are looking for the local radio station, right? Doris: I’m looking for the radio station owned by the old man who’s escaping his wife. Is this the radio station? Alfred: Well, I am an old man, and I do have a wife. Doris: Yes, I was told to ask for Andrew. Alfred: I’m Alfred, Doris: Yes! That’s it! Andrew! Alfred: Alfred Doris: Alright, Andrew. Is that you? Alfred: It’s Alfred. Doris: OK Andrew, I’m in the right place to talk about me turkey sandwiches. Alfred: I’m not sure this is the best place. Doris: The local radio? Alfred: No, it’s not the local radio. It’s just my podcast. Bloody hell! Doris: Ok, Where do I sit? Alfred: If you have to. Just over there. This is a shed so I don’t really have chairs, just plant pots. Doris: Look at the state of this. It’s a right state! Needs a clean! I’ll get my stocking dirty sitting on there. Alfred: Ok, try the lawnmower. Doris: As long as you don’t turn it on! I’ll be fine. I haven’t sat on a machine in donkey’s years! Alfred: I might put you under it if you carry on. Doris: What was that? Alfred: I said that I’ll help you sit on it. Doris: That’ll be lovely. Alfred: Anyway... Doris: It’s Doris. Alfred: I know. Anyway Doris, you do know that we only have one listener. I think it’s probably my wife. She’s probably listening just to see what I’m up to. Probably to make sure that I’m not up to no good or that I’m not talking to the waitresses at the pub. Doris: Well, you look like a lovely boy. Alfred: Nobody has called me a boy for a long time. Ok, you can stay. Doris: All right love. Now, where do I speak into the radio? Alfred: Can you see the black thing in front of you? Doris: Yes, love. I’m not blind yet! Alfred: Well, that is a microphone. Doris: Is it? That’s lovely. A bit small, but lovely! Alfred: Ok, Doris. Doris: When do we begin? I’ve got to be back at the old ladies club later, before 5pm. That’s when my daughter comes and picks me up. She doesn’t like me going for walks. Anyway, when do we begin the radio interview? Alfred: Well, it’s already recording. Doris: Really? You need like a red light or something to show that we’re live. Alfred: This isn’t live Doris. We record it and then people can listen to it when they want. Doris: That’s amazing! I think I need a new radio. Alfred: Why’s that? Doris: My radio has only got one knob! I can’t record on it. Alfred: Well, actually, this won’t be heard on the radio. Doris: ¨What do you mean it won’t be heard on the radio? Alfred: Déjà-vu. It’s a podcast. It’ll be on the internet and people can listen and download it. Doris: The internet? I don’t know anything about that. Technology! It’s marvellous! Alfred: Yes, it is. Doris: How will my cooking club listen to it? I’ve told them to find me on the radio. Alfred: Well, they’ll be looking in vain now. Sorry, about that. Do you want to phone them? Doris: Phone them? I don’t have one of those fancy mobile telephones. As I said before, I can’t use technology! Alfred: Use mine. Here you are. Doris: Sorry, I can’t! Those things are too small for me. Alfred: Fine! Doris: Anyway, you talk too much! Alfred: Me? Doris: Yes, look at all this time we’ve lost. I’ve got be... Alfred: Back at the ladies club by 5pm. Doris: Ok, don’t be cheeky with me! You TV and radio celebrities are all the same. Anyway, can we begin? Alfred: I’ve already told you we have! Good lord! Doris: You should have told me. I wanted to put my lipstick on first! Alfred: Why do you need lipstick for a podcast? Doris: It’s important to dress-up for these things. Look at you? Are those your slippers? You’re going to get mud in your house. What will your wife say? Alfred: These are my outside slippers. I’ve got another pair for the house. Anyway, are you ready? Doris: Yes. I’m ready! Are we recording? Alfred: Yes. Ok. So, Doris... Go! Doris: Have we finished? I haven’t even said anything about the fair yet! Alfred: No, I mean go ahead. Doris: Ah! Alright! Now? Alfred: Yes, please! Doris: Hello, everybody! It’s Doris! Alfred: Hi Doris. By the way, you don’t need to shout. Doris: I want them to hear me. Alfred: That’s why we have microphones. Doris: Ok. Well, as I said. It’s Doris. Come to the local market fair on Sunday. Alfred: Is that it? Doris: Is that what? Alfred: All that you wanted to say? Doris: Yes. That’s all love. Alfred: At least let me ask you some questions. Doris: Alright love, as you’ve been so patient with me. Alfred: So, Doris. Where is the fair? Doris: It’s in the fields behind the train station. Alfred: Right? Doris: It’s a lovely big field. The old people can come by train. Alfred: That’s thoughtful. Doris: But we do have to spend an hour picking up dog poo beforehand. Alfred: Lovely! Doris: Not really! Last year, I forgot my gloves. I had to use an old plastic bag. I didn’t realize that it had holes in it until I was having a cup of tea and a biscuit. I thought it was funny, that I had already got chocolate on my hands even before I had touched the biscuits. Alfred: ...and I thought Geoffrey was bad. Doris: I had to use the rest of the tea in my thermo flask to wash my hands. I was grumpy all afternoon. Alfred: Was that because of the poo? Doris: No, because I had no tea. Weren’t you listening? Alfred: I’m listening. Anyway, changing the story from dog poo back to this year’s market fair; tell us more about it. Doris: More about it? Ok. Well, if you’re coming back car. Don’t park in the train station, they charge you a bomb! One pound an hour just to park your car. Alfred: It doesn’t seem too bad. Doris: What you should do, is park your car on the far side of the field. That is unless it’s raining. If it’s raining it gets quite boggy down there. You see, the field is on a slope. All the water runs down to the far side. You don’t want to get stuck down there. Alfred: Wow! This is so interesting. Doris: I haven’t finished yet. Are we still recording? Alfred: Yes... Doris: Ok. If it’s raining park your car in the supermarket car park. You can stay there an hour or two. It’s a bit of a walk though. Alfred: Good information. Anyway, Doris, what can people do at the fair? Doris: Well, there are games for old and young. There are also a lot of homemade products to buy. I’m making turkey sandwiches. If you want the best turkey sandwiches ask for Doris. They all know me. Do you like turkey sandwiches? Alfred: I can’t say they are my favourite. But, yes, I guess I do. Doris: Well come down to the fair on Sunday. Alfred: Well, thank you Doris! It has been very...interesting to meet you. Doris: Are we done? Alfred: Yes. Doris: One more thing. Alfred: Yes? Doris: Can I get an autograph for my granddaughter? She loves all the celebrities! Alfred: Well, I’m not really a celebrity. I don’t think she’d want my autograph. She wouldn’t even know who I am. Doris: Oh dear! You radio celebrities are all the same! You think you’re better than the rest. All I wanted was an autograph. Alfred: Ok, I’ll give you an autograph. Doris: That’s lovely. Alfred: Here you are. Doris: Lovely! Can you make it two? Alfred: Two autographs? Doris: Yes, maybe I can use one as prize in the market fair raffle. Alfred: Well, I guess a bit of free publicity won’t be bad. Even though, nobody will have an idea of who I am. Doris: OK. Alfred: Here’s another autograph. Doris: I’m going now. Alfred: Right, thanks! How did you find us, by the way? Doris: I made a new friend at the ladies club. Alfred: Was it Margaret. Doris: No, it wasn’t a lady. It was an old guy who came by accident. I can’t remember his name. When he first came, he thought it was another type of ladies’ club. He asked us when we’d start taking off our clothes and dancing. Alfred: That sounds very much like Geoffrey: Doris: He was very confused and doesn’t know where he is half of the time. Alfred: That must be Geoffrey! Doris: But we’ve accepted him. (KNOCK) Alfred: Come in. Geoffrey: Yes, yes, yes. Hello! Doris: Speak of the devil. That’s him. Alfred: Geoffrey. Doris: Yes, that’s his name. George. Alfred: Geoffrey. Doris: Yes, George. Geoffrey: Yes, George. Doris: You see. I remember a face. Geoffrey: Yes, yes, no! It’s Geoffrey. Doris: Ok, Geoffrey. Are you coming to the ladies club? You can meet my daughter. Geoffrey: Yes, but, I’m here for Alfred’s radio show. We were going to talk about something. I can’t remember what is though. Alfred: Don’t worry. We’ve already done it. Doris: Did you record it? Alfred: Yes. Geoffrey: He’s always recording, this Alfred. Doris: He’s a bit of a cheeky bugger! Geoffrey: Yes, yes. He isn’t he. Doris: I have to go now. Geoffrey: Yes, yes. I’ll come with you. Where are we going? Doris: To the ladies’ club. Do you like turkey sandwiches? Geoffrey: Yes, yes. I do Doris: Ok, let’s go. Alfred: Well. Geoffrey and his friend have left. I hope it’s just his friend. I hope he doesn’t invite her back. Wow, I need a cup of tea after that. Thanks everybody. If you like turkey sandwiches, you know where to go. Goodbye... Oh! Why do I do this to myself? - Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

In this episode of the Millerhood, the dudes discuss who they would cast in a funny Batman movie. Who should be funny Robin or funny Alfred? What about the villains? Joker, Riddler, Poison Ivy, the Penguin? Who would you cash in a funny Batman movie?

Episode Notes Learn English with Two Old Men.It is a cold and rainy day in the shed. Geoffrey wants a cup of tea. Somehow, this leads to a story about having showers during the war. Are Geoffrey's stories true? Who knows?!Support us Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglishHow to use See the website (www.chucklenglish.com) on how to learn with the podcast.Transcript* ALFRED: Welcome to another episode of Two Old Men in a Shed. Geoffrey, you’ve been stirring that tea for the last hour. It’s probably too cold by now. Geoffrey: Yes, yes, yes it’s cold. Can you make me another? ALFRED: Really Geoffrey?! It’s raining outside and to make a cup of tea I’ll have to walk from the shed all the way to the house. I’ve only just managed to get my woolly jumper dry after coming her. Geoffrey: That’s a woolly jumper? ALFRED: Yes, why? Geoffrey: I thought you’d got a new pet. Geoffrey: It’s very thick. ALFRED: I do get old easily at my age, don’t you? Geoffrey: Sometimes, but it’s only a bit rain! I’ve seen worse, yes, yes. When I was in the war we couldn’t have showers, so we used to pray for rain. Then we’d take our clothes off and use the rain to clean ourselves, even in the middle of a battle. Alfred: Geoffrey! That can’t be true. Geoffrey: Yes, yes. It is! That’s why my skin is so leathery, rain water does that. Alfred: I thought your skin was like that because of the time that you bought some funny shaped candles thinking they were soap. Geoffrey: Well, nowadays with novelty candles and novelty soap, it’s easy to get them mixed up! Alfred: You didn’t notice the wick sticking out of it, did you? Geoffrey: I thought that was to help not drop it. Alfred: Why would someone need so much effort to not drop soap? Geoffrey: Well what about p Alfred: Please don’t say prisoners. Geoffrey: What about swimming pool changing rooms after senior citizen swimming classes? Alfred: What is wrong with the changing room after swimming lessons for senior citizens? Geoffrey: After all those old men have had a shower, there’s so much white hair on the floor, that you go in with bare feet and come out with a thick pair of white socks on your feet! Alfred: Oh Geoffrey! I’m sure that is not true. Geoffrey: Well, when was the last time you went to a swimming pool? Alfred: I haven’t been for donkey’s years! Geoffrey: Exactly! Alfred: Anyway, I’m sure you were about to take me on a fantastic and frankly probably imaginary story from your time in the war. Geoffrey: Well, my stories are true...usually... well; the parts that I can remember are true. Sometimes, I fill in the gaps with what I’ve read that morning in the newspaper. Alfred: Now, I see. So you didn’t have a state visit by the US president, did you? Geoffrey: No, probably not! Alfred: So, you were telling me how you had showers in the rain during the war... Geoffrey: Yes! I remember once we were held up in an abandoned French village called Cul-de-sac or something strange like that. Alfred: Cul-de-sac? I’m sure you’re getting confused with the street sign round the corner again. Geoffrey: Your street is called Cul-de-sac? Why on earth would they give the street a strange foreign name? Alfred: No, the street is called Hetherington Road. It is a cul-de-sac. Geoffrey: I still don’t get it! Alfred: That’s not surprising. Anyway, can we please go back to the war. Geoffrey: Go back to the war! Don’t you think we are a bit old! I can’t even stab a pea with my fork because my hands shake so much, never mind holding a rifle! Alfred: Geoffrey... Geoffrey: We fought for this country to make it free and you want to back to the war! Live in the present! Alfred: Geoffrey... Geoffrey: To be honest, I’m quite disappointed in you Alfred. Alfred: Geoffrey, please! Geoffrey: What? Alfred: I meant to say let’s go back to your war story. Geoffrey: Oh! Yes. Anyway, we were once held up in an abandoned French village called Cut my sack or something similar. Alfred: Oh dear... Geoffrey: Then some German infantry came round the corner and saw us; we were 15 men, all naked with our weapons out. Alfred: Your weapons out? You do been your gun, don’t you? I hope you are talking about your guns. Geoffrey: Yes, our guns. Alfred: I mean the metal gun not your... err... gentleman’s.... Geoffrey: My gentleman’s what? Alfred: You know what I mean. Geoffrey: Yes, I know what you mean. I’m talking about our guns. We had all them out. Alfred: You’re not using an innuendo are you, Geoffrey? Geoffrey: An innuendo? You do have a dirty mind Alfred! I’m talking about our rifles, we were all naked and holding our own rifles. Alfred: Oh dear. Anyway, you said a group of German soldiers came round the corner and caught you all naked and holding on to your...erm...weapons. What happened then? They obviously didn’t kill you. You’re still here talking to you. Unless, I’m crazy and have created an invisible and often annoying friend to torture myself with... Geoffrey: Invisible friend? Alfred: Oh god! Maybe I’m not actually making a podcast and that is not actually a microphone. Maybe, I’m really in the bath talking to the toilet brush! Geoffrey: Alfred! You are really here! I am really here... I think! Alfred: Ok, I don’t think I’d be that cruel to myself, by creating you as an invisible friend. Geoffrey: You’re being very nice calling me your friend. You don’t often compliment me. I hope you are not going to cry! Alfred: No, I’m not going to cry. Anyway, those thoughts must be the effect of the new pills I’m taking. Geoffrey: New pills? What are they for? Alfred: Well, I’ve got so many pills that I don’t even bother to ask the doctor these days. I just ask him if I’ll still be able to remember my name in the morning. Geoffrey: Can you? Alfred: Yes, of course, Geoffrey. I’m not like you yet! Geoffrey: Sometimes, I have to write my name on my glasses case. But, that does mean that I have to remember where my glasses case is. Alfred: I feel so much better now! Geoffrey: Glad to help and old ‘friend’. Alfred: No, thank you ‘friend’! Geoffrey: This is getting a little emotional and personal. You’re not going to start crying are you? Alfred: I haven’t cried in years. I think. Not that I can remember. Anyway, please continue your story. Some Germans found you and your fellow soldiers naked... Geoffrey: Ah yes! They looked at us and quickly turned around and marched away. Except for one who stood there smiling. It’s not usual to find such a happy soldier during war-time. I gave him a wink. He gave me a wink back. Then, he eventually turned round and went away. The funniest thing is, he seemed to be carrying two pistols in his trousers. Alfred: I wish I could disconnect my brain right now. Geoffrey: Anyway, the Germans left the village. Then we all waved our guns around in celebration. Alfred: Please stop talking about waving your gun about. Geoffrey: Yes, yes. Then we put our clothes on. Alfred: Right. Geoffrey: You see, command HQ was very pleased. That village was at an important location in France. We managed to win and secure the village without firing a bullet. They told us we were all going to be rewarded. Alfred: Fantastic! Geoffrey: Unfortunately, the rest of them died the following month due to hyperthermia. Alfred: I’m not surprised. France is in Europe after all. A cold winter... Geoffrey: Yes, that is true, but... Alfred: ...naked, such a shame they died of doing something such as showering in the cold rain. So silly! It could have been easily prevented. Geoffrey: Yes, but... Alfred: A group of men together, I’m sure in those situations when everyone smells, it doesn’t really matter. Geoffrey: Yes, but... Alfred: It just seems so ridiculous that they died from getting hypothermia from showering naked in the rain.., Geoffrey: Yes, but... Alfred: But what? Geoffrey: They didn’t get hypothermia from the naked showers! Alfred: How did they get it? Geoffrey: Well, they fell into a river. Alfred: They fell into a river? Geoffrey: Yes, yes! Alfred: How did that happen? Geoffrey: Well, the German who winked at me came back one day without his uniform. Alfred: Hmmm... Geoffrey: At that moment I realised that it wasn’t a gun in his trousers. Alfred: He was happy to see you? Geoffrey: Rather excited I would say. Alfred: Ok, but what has it got to do with the river. Geoffrey: Well, people weren’t so open minded in those days. Could you imagine a big 6ft 3 naked German coming towards you asking for a kiss and cuddle? To them, it was scarier than seeing 100 armed soldiers coming towards them. So, they all ran and jumped so quickly into the river that they didn’t see it had a layer of ice on top. Alfred: Why didn’t you jump? Geoffrey: Well, at that moment, I was missing my mother and really needed a hug. Alfred: Wow! I’m afraid to ask and don’t really want to know. But, did anything else happen? Geoffrey: of course not! I told him that if he tried anything, I’d give Adolf a call. Alfred: Thank goodness for that. Geoffrey: Anyway, where is that cup of tea? - Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-englishThis podcast is powered by Pinecast.

Episode Notes Learn English with Two Old Men.Geoffrey has been with his new wife a few weeks now. However, she seems to be hiding something. Alfred listens to Geoffrey's stories again with wonder.Support us Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglishHow to use See the website (www.chucklenglish.com) on how to learn with the podcast.Transcript* ALFRED: Welcome to another episode of 2 Old Men in a Shed! With me, Alfred and my 80 years young colleague, Geoffrey! Say hello Geoffrey! Geoffrey: Hello. ALFRED: What? Just hello? Geoffrey: Yes, yes. ALFRED: You’re not going to make the same joke that you make every podcast by saying ‘hello Geoffrey’? You know how I love that joke! Geoffrey: No, I don’t feel like it. ALFRED: Wow, something must be up with you. What is wrong Geoffrey? Geoffrey: I don’t know if I should say on this microphone. I don’t want my private life to be public knowledge. ALFRED: Public knowledge? Who will find out? Geoffrey: All the listeners to this radio programme. ALFRED: It’s a podcast. Geoffrey: A what? ALFRED: Oh never mind! Anyway, we probably only have one listener. Geoffrey: One listener! Hello! ALFRED: They probably only found this podcast by accident. The listener is probably a young woman who was searching for tips on how to meet rich men and instead of writing Gold men, she wrote old men. Geoffrey: Well, I hope she finds real love. I wish I did. ALFRED: But, I thought that you had found a wife? Has she finally left you? (As I expected). Geoffrey: No, no. It’s not that bad. ALFRED: What do you mean it’s not that bad? You haven’t poisoned her have you? I told you that you should change that old lead pan you have. Geoffrey: She is still alive. I wish my heart was. ALFRED: Tell us. I mean tell me what has happened Geoffrey. Geoffrey: Well, I don’t know. But I think that my Filipino wife Pim is cheating on me. ALFRED: Cheating? Wow, this is serious. Why do you think that? Geoffrey: Well, for example, I was on my way to the gym. ALFRED: You go to the gym? Geoffrey: Yes, I was on my way to the gym when I realized that I had forgotten my gym bag. So, I had to turn the car around and drive back home. ALFRED: You drive a car? Geoffrey: Yes, as I arrived home at the mansion, ALFRED: You have a mansion? Geoffrey: I started to whistle a well-known jazz-rock song. ALFRED: You know music from the 20th century!? Geoffrey: I then walked up the stairs and as I got near the bedroom door I heard some banging in the bedroom. So, I opened the door and then saw my blonde American wife. ALFRED: Your blonde American wife? I thought she was a dark Philippine woman! Geoffrey: I asked her what she was doing. She said she was doing some morning exercises. ALFRED: This sounds very strange. Geoffrey: Then I noticed them! ALFRED: What did you notice? Geoffrey: Some boxer-shorts on the floor. ALFRED: But, don’t you wear boxer shorts? Geoffrey: Yes, I picked them up and then realized that the material wasn’t as soft as my usual boxer-shorts. ALFRED: What the? Geoffrey: These boxer-shorts where of a lower quality. I’m very sensitive in that area, so I only buy the best quality boxer shorts. That is when I realized that these belonged to another man! ALFRED: Oh! What happened next? Geoffrey: A young handsome man who looked like a gardener with long hair fell out of the wardrobe in a very comedic way. ALFRED: You don’t have a gardener! Geoffrey: I then used my kung-fu skills and I beat him up! ALFRED: What kung-fu skills? Geoffrey: The kung-fu skills I learned as a top international spy. ALFRED: A top international spy? Geoffrey, I think that you are mixing life and some movie that you’ve seen again. Geoffrey: That does explain why my wife looked like Julia Roberts. ALFRED: Do you remember the last time that you mixed reality with a movie and you said that aliens had visited you. Geoffrey: Yes, we had a nice cup of tea together! ALFRED: That was probably a movie! Geoffrey: It was real. I remember because I was quite upset that they left the biscuits. Those were my best biscuits! ALFRED: Oh dear! Ok, now we have cleared that up, that it was a movie and that your wife is not Julie Roberts and she is not cheating on you. Can you try and be a bit happier! Geoffrey: Yes, yes, no. ALFRED: No? Why not? Geoffrey: Because now I remember the real story. ALFRED: What is the real story? Geoffrey: Well, the other day. I got home early. ALFRED: You got home early? What do you mean? You don’t work Geoffrey. If you say you were at the gym again, I’m going to... Geoffrey: No, I wasn’t at the gym. I’m sure this is a real story. ALFRED: Ok, I’ll give you one more chance. Wow, that is the first time I’ve heard that sentence not being said by my wife, Mabel. Lovely woman! Go ahead... Geoffrey: Yes! I got home early from the bridge and chess club. As I walked in, I heard her in the bathroom. As I said, I’ve never seen her naked. She usually spends an hour in there. ALFRED: I know the story; my wife takes half an hour to get ready! Geoffrey: So, I asked her if she had seen my glasses. ALFRED: That’s normal. I think that is the most common sentence you say. You must say it once every hour. You usually spend the next 30 minutes looking for them, only to realize that the glasses are on your nose. Geoffrey: Anyway, I asked her, then I’m sure I heard a man’s voice reply. Saying, “I saw them in the kitchen this morning” ALFRED: A man answered you? Geoffrey: I think so. The thing is, when she eventually came out of the bathroom, it was just her. I checked the bathroom afterwards and there was nobody there! ALFRED: That is strange! Where the windows closed? Geoffrey: Well, I don’t have a window in my bathroom anymore. ALFRED: You don’t have a window? Geoffrey: If you remember, a thief broke into my house through my window while I was in the shower. After seeing my 80 year old bottom full of hairs, he immediately jumped back out of the window forgetting that there is a 5 meter drop. ALFRED: I do remember, it was in the newspaper! So, what happened to the window? Geoffrey: I covered it up with a piece of wood. I don’t mind. At my age, its best not to see what comes out of you. ALFRED: Ok. So you think you heard a man’s voice coming from the bathroom. To be honest Geoffrey, you’ve already shown us that you imagine things. How do you know that she is cheating? Geoffrey: Maybe I imagined the voice. Also, my glasses where in the kitchen! ALFRED: Great! So a friendly imaginary lover who knows you! Geoffrey, Yes, but it’s not only that! ALFRED: What else? Geoffrey: my razor! ALFRED: What about your razor? Geoffrey: Well, I have to shave everyday because of this thick old white hair I have. ALFRED: Ok... Geoffrey: Well, usually I have to change my razor every 2 weeks. But, now it seems like I’m buying a new razor every week. ALFRED: That could be anything. It could be your skin is more sensitive or the quality of the razors isn’t so good. Geoffrey: I’m not finished. ALFRED: Sorry, go ahead. Geoffrey: Sometimes, I noticed black hairs on my razor. I haven’t had a black hair since 1945. ALFRED: Right. Maybe your wife, Julie, I mean Pim is using it to shave her legs. Geoffrey: I’ve seen her legs, she definitely doesn’t shave them. I don’t mind they keep me warm when we are on the sofa. ALFRED: Interesting. Maybe she likes to shave her... you know... Geoffrey: Her what? ALFRED: You know, maybe she shaves her ‘thingy’. Geoffrey: Her thingy? What are you talking about? ALFRED: Please don’t make me say the word. I’m old and it embarrasses me. Geoffrey: What word? ALFRED: Her lady parts! Geoffrey: Women shave their lady parts? That is amazing! ALFRED: I was reading it in my wife’s gossip magazines. Young women these days shave their... lady parts. And your internet wife is young, right? Geoffrey: Yes, she’s a very young lady, almost 60. ALFRED: That is young. I remember when I was young and 60. Anyway, maybe she shaves down there. Geoffrey: I will ask her. ALFRED: You can’t just ask her. Geoffrey: Why not? She’s my wife! I paid for her! ALFRED: Yes, but you barely know her. You’ve never been naked together. What you could do is; take her out on a romantic date and when you get home, you might get lucky! Geoffrey: Get lucky! You mean sexual relations? That would be amazing! I don’t even know if my little friend still works. ALFRED: I’m sure it will, when you have a young 60 year old lady naked with you. I wish my wife was that young! Geoffrey: I’ve heard about a magic blue pill for men our age. What is that? How many do I take? ALFRED: I think it is best not to take any blue pills Geoffrey. I’m sure you’ll find away. Geoffrey: I better go and book a restaurant. All the young kids are going to a fashionable new restaurant called The McDonalds. I’ll take her there, it sounds very posh! I’ll need a new suit. Can I borrow yours? I’m young again! ALFRED: I think I’ll be bad and not tell him. At least we’ll have a new story for the next podcast. We’ll Geoffrey has left me alone in the shed again. I may be old, but I’m not talking to myself, so goodbye. Join us next time on Learn English with Two Old Men podcast. Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-englishThis podcast is powered by Pinecast.

Episode Notes Learn English with Two Old Men.Geoffrey arrives with another story that may sound crazy for others, but is perfectly normal for him Another funny story from the two old men for learners of the English language.Support us Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglishHow to use See the website (www.chucklenglish.com) on how to learn with the podcast.TranscriptAlfred: Hello everyone. Welcome to another episode of 2 Old Men. Hey Geoffrey, you look very upbeat today. I imagine you’ve had a good week for once? Geoffrey: Yes, yes. I’ve had a lovely week. Do you know what? Alfred: What? Geoffrey: I’ve got a new friend! That is incredible at my age! I’m used to losing and burying my friends. I’m certainly not used to making new friends. To be honest, I’ve been expecting to bury you for the last couple of years. You don’t look so good! Alfred: Thank you Geoffrey, that is the nicest thing you’ve said to me. Anyway, back to your friend. Geoffrey: Yes, my friend. Alfred: It is a person, it isn’t? Geoffrey: Yes, of course it’s a person. Alfred: A real one? Not an imaginary one like last time Geoffrey: Yes, my friend is a real person. Alfred: They are alive, aren’t they? Geoffrey: Yes, believe me; I have a real alive friend who is a person! Incredible! Alfred: Wow, this is new. Can you tell me a bit about your friend, Geoffrey? Geoffrey: Well, her name is Angela. She’s a mature woman of our age. Alfred: Your age? You are older than me, remember. Geoffrey: I may be older, but I do have the body of a 60 year old. I still skateboard sometimes. Anyway, I met her in the most peculiar way. Alfred: Let me guess! Were you chasing a fox out of your garden and then accidently bumped into her? Geoffrey: Chasing a fox out of my garden? Don’t be ridiculous! Alfred: He needs help! Ok. Did you accidently confuse the supermarket with the hospital and she was a patient there? Geoffrey: What? Your suggestions are getting even crazier all the time. How could possible I confuse a supermarket with a hospital? Alfred: I give up! Geoffrey: Ok, I’ll tell you. I was going on a walk to the park. You see, I love to feed the ducks! They come over and I talk to them. I tell them about my day. However, if the big geese come over, I run away. Alfred: You are a man of the animals! Geoffrey: Yes! Yes! So, I was feeding the ducks when I saw a big swan come over to me. Alfred: Swans are beautiful! Geoffrey: So, I thought to myself that I’d never seen a swan in this park before. It was really big one too! But do you know what the strangest thing was? Alfred: What was that Geoffrey? Geoffrey: While I was throwing bread into its mouth, I realised it was not eating the bread. The swan was getting angrier by the moment and jumping around. Then, I thought I heard something. Alfred: What did you think you heard? Geoffrey: I was sure that I heard it say stop! I thought I had gone mad! Alfred: One day you will realize that you are crazy! Geoffrey: Crazy! Yes, yes. Well, wait till you hear this next bit of the story. Alfred: Ok. Go ahead. Geoffrey: Then, I heard the swan speak again! It said “stop doing that and come and help me!” Alfred: It spoke to you? Geoffrey: Yes, At first, I tried to ignore it. I thought maybe I had taken my wife’s pills this morning instead of mine. Then I remembered that I don’t have a wife. Alfred: Déjà-vu. Geoffrey: Déjà-what? Alfred: I’m sure that this is not the first time that you’ve said that. Geoffrey: Err, OK. So, I checked my pills in my coat pocket and I had taken the right pills. So, I decided to not look at the swan and continue to throw bread to the ducks. But the ducks! They were scared of the swan. Then the worst thing happened, the swan spoke again. It said “Stop throwing bread at those bloody ducks and help me” Alfred: The swan was really speaking to you! That’s incredible. Geoffrey: Yes. I couldn’t ignore it anymore! I had to respond. The voice wouldn’t go away. So, I asked it what it wanted. Alfred: I still think this is his crazy imagination. So, Geoffrey, what did it want? Geoffrey: It said in a most beautiful and feminine voice that it was stuck in the pond and couldn’t get out. Alfred: The speaking bird wanted to get out of the pond, did it? Geoffrey: Yes, so I said that I could be arrested by the Police for taking an animal out of the park. Alfred: What did this imaginary speaking, sorry, I mean this speaking bird say to you? Geoffrey: It said “I may be old and have a lot of hair all over my body, but please don’t call me an animal!”. So, I responded “But you are animal!”. The swan then said “Well, there’s no need to insult me!” Alfred: Ok, so now you are having a fight with a talking bird! Geoffrey: Yes, that’s what I thought. However, I then realized that I had taken my glasses off to feed the ducks. Alfred: Why do you take your glasses off to feed the ducks? Geoffrey: Because I want them to see me as an equal. Alfred: That makes no sense. Geoffrey: So, I took my glasses out of my coat pocket and put them on. When I looked up, I realized that the swan was even bigger than I thought. In fact, it was so big that I realized it wasn’t a swan. Alfred: What was it? Geoffrey: It was a very wet woman, who was now surrounded by bits of dirty old bread. Alfred: A woman in the pond. What was she doing there? Geoffrey: That is what I asked her. She said that she was feeding the ducks and then she thought she heard a duck speaking. So, she went close to the side of the pond and fell in. Alfred: Poor woman! So, I imagine she couldn’t get out. Geoffrey: No, the sides of the pond are quite high. She had been waiting there for an hour. So, I tried to rescue her. Alfred: You rescued her! You are a hero. Geoffrey: Well, no I didn’t manage to rescue her! Alfred: No? What happened? Geoffrey: I had one hand holding her and the other hand holding a branch of a tree. Then the branch broke. We both fell right in. Now, we were both stuck! Alfred: Poor guy! I suppose someone else rescued you both. At least you made a friend in that pond with the wet woman. Geoffrey: No, I didn’t make friends with her. She was crazy! Did you not hear me! She said she heard the ducks speaking to her! How strange! When the ambulance arrived, I gave her a fake name and a fake number and I ran away. Alfred: You ran away at your age!? Geoffrey: Yes, yes! Well, I walked away quickly! Alfred: What about your new friend. Geoffrey: Well, to warm up I went to a café to have a nice cuppa and a biscuit. Unfortunately, when I went to pay, I realized that my money was all wet. I couldn’t pay. Alfred: Oh dear! Your clothes were also still wet. Geoffrey: Yes, a lady in the corner saw me. She must have felt sorry for me. SO, she offered to pay for my tea and biscuit and then she gave me her coat. It was so lovely of her. Alfred: This was Angela, wasn’t it? Geoffrey: Yes, we spent 2 hours talking next to the radiator. We had nothing in common. Alfred: I don’t think anyone has anything in common with you. Maybe Mr Bean. Geoffrey: Thank you for calling me funny! So, I asked her if she wanted to meet for a cuppa another day. She said yes. So, I gave her my real name and my telephone number. Alfred: Geoffrey.. Geoffrey: It is surprising that she hasn’t called me yet! Alfred: Geoffrey... Geoffrey: She must be shy. Alfred: Geoffrey Geoffrey: Yes! Alfred: you don’t have a telephone. Do you remember, you thought the government were spying on your with it. Geoffrey: Ah yes! I mean, oh no! I’ll never find her again! Alfred: Maybe go back to that café and see if she is there. Geoffrey: Great idea! Bye-bye! Alfred: You’re going now?! Geoffrey: Yes, bye! Alfred: Run, Geoffrey, Run. Geoffrey: Angela! Alfred: Well, Geoffrey’s gone. He’s left his glasses, so he’ll be back. That is the end of today’s episode. Thank you for listening. One day, we’ll have a normal story. One day..Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-englishThis podcast is powered by Pinecast.

Episode Notes Learn English with Two Old Men.Geoffrey is always losing things, but not his shoes! Another funny story from the two old men.Support us Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglishHow to use See the website (www.chucklenglish.com) on how to learn with the podcast.TRANSCRIPT ALFRED: Hello everyone. It’s me Alfred. I’m here alone and I’m still waiting for Geoffrey to arrive. He’s getting old. To be honest this podcast is good for him, it gets him out of the house, it gives him purpose and it also stops him talking to the trees. At least he can talk and think someone is listening. I’m not. Hmm. Is there anyone listening? Are you our 1 listener? (knock) ALFRED: Come in. Geoffrey: Yes, hello! ALFRED: You don’t need to knock Geoffrey. You are one of the presenters on this show. This is your office too. Geoffrey: Yes, thank you. I always knock first before I enter. ALFRED:Why is that? Geoffrey: It’s because sometimes I get confused where I am. The last time I didn’t knock, I accidently walked in on a mother giving birth to a baby. Can you imagine! The shock of an old man walking in during her labour really helped that baby shoot out! They say it was one of the quickest births they’ve ever had! ALFRED: What were you doing in the hospital? Geoffrey: Well, I don’t know. I didn’t even want to go to the hospital. I thought it was the supermarket. At least, I got some free food out of the experience. ALFRED: Free food? From the hospital? Geoffrey: Yes, they left all these trays of cooked dinners just lying about in the corridors. ALFRED: oh dear. Geoffrey: I thought, why let all this food go to waste? ALFRED: Geoffrey, you do know that that food is for the patients, don’t you? Geoffrey: Oh no! Really? ALFRED: Yes. Geoffrey: But why leave it in the hospital corridors? That sounds like a silly place to keep food. ALFRED: Nurses are very busy. Geoffrey: Well, I’ll donate some money to the hospital to make up for it. ALFRED: You don’t have any money spare from that small pension. Geoffrey: Yes, that’s right. Well, I’ll go sing to the patients. ALFRED: I don’t think the patients need any more shocks Geoffrey. Geoffrey: Oh! ALFRED: Anyway, Geoffrey, why are you late today? Geoffrey: Well, it’s bit embarrassing you see. ALFRED: Don’t worry; we’ve only got one listener. I’m sure they won’t tell anyone. Will you? Geoffrey: Yes. We only have one listener! ALFRED: Yes, just the one. Maybe I can help you Geoffrey, although I think in some areas you are way past help. Geoffrey: Yes, well thank you. I suppose so. If you look at my feet, you’ll see that I’m wearing my slippers. ALFRED: Ah, yes, you are. But don’t you usually wear your slippers? Geoffrey: Yes, I do, but not in the street. I usually wear shoes in the street. That is, except for the days that I forgot to put my slippers on. ALFRED: Which is basically most weeks, isn’t it! Geoffrey: Yes, I suppose itis quite common, but this time, I didn’t forget. ALFRED: Ok, I’m sure this story can get more interesting! Oh, I hope so! Why don’t you start at the beginning? Geoffrey: Yes, yes, yes. It all started last night when I was watching the TV. ALFRED: What sort of things do you watch? I imagine you like wildlife documentaries and programmes about antiques like me, don’t you? Geoffrey: No, actually. I was watching a reality TV show about an American pop star. They follow her around in her life. To be honest, I only watch it because women my age wear so many layers of clothes, that sometimes you think they must living in a wardrobe. ALFRED: Hahaha. Well, I suppose people our age feel the cold more. You are no spring chicken yourself, Geoffrey! Geoffrey: Yes, I suppose not. Anyway, I was watching TV when I heard a strange sound in the garden. So, I put my shoes on and went to investigate. It was dark and in the corner of the garden I saw a fox, and I’m not talking about my wife! ALFRED: You still call your wife a fox which means sexy. Geoffrey: Yes, it’s good to be sexy sometimes at our age. ALFRED: Wait, you don’t have a wife! Geoffrey: Yes, that true. But, I can still have fantasies! ALFRED: Anyway, what did you do with it? Geoffrey: My fantasy wife? ALFRED: No, the fox. Geoffrey: Oh yes, I decided to chase it out of the garden. We got into a bit of a fight and the fox won! ALFRED: The fox won!? Geoffrey: Yes, the fox won. ALFRED: Wow, what can I do with this man? So, what happened with your shoes? Geoffrey: Well, because the fox won, I had to spend the night outside. ALFRED: The fox won! Did it lock you out of the house? Geoffrey: Please! Don’t be ridiculous! This is a serious story! ALFRED: Ah, sorry Geoffrey: You see I had chased the fox quite a long way and I was too tired to find my way back home. So, I found a nice rubbish bin which was warm. So, I settled down and went to sleep. ALFRED: It must have smelt bad! Geoffrey: Yes, a little, but at our age you can sleep anywhere! ALFRED: Well, I don’t think I could sleep in a bin! Geoffrey: You have slept on my couch before and that does smell similar! ALFRED: Yes, I remember. I was surprised about the amount of things you’d lost down the back of the sofa. I remember finding, money, old socks and about 20 pairs of glasses. Geoffrey: Yes, I’m always losing my glasses, so I thought why not buy 50 pairs of glasses and then when I lose them, I don’t have to get stressed looking for them. I just put on a new pair. The only problem, is that sometimes I don’t remember where I put the boxes of new glasses. ALFRED: So, back to the story. You slept in a bin! Did the fox take your shoes? Geoffrey: Don’t be silly! You do have the most ridiculous ideas Alfred! So, when I woke-up, I needed to go to the bathroom. I saw a tree that I could use as the toilet. However, it was quite windy. So, I decided to take my shoes off. ALFRED: What have your shoes got to do with the wind? Geoffrey: I didn’t want to get them wet when I went to the bathroom. ALFRED: Oh, I’m surprised that they let you live alone! Geoffrey: Yes, so am I! I left my shoes next to the bin and went to the bathroom behind the tree. ALFRED: Ok... Geoffrey: However, when I was behind the tree, I heard a truck coming up the road. I had drank quite a lot the previous night and I was taking a long time to finish. ALFRED: Right. Geoffrey: When I got back, I saw the rubbish truck leaving the street. They had taken all the rubbish from the bins. ALFRED: I see. Geoffrey: They had emptied the bin I was sleeping in and taken everything, including my shoes! ALFRED: You do know that this could only happen to you Geoffrey! Geoffrey: Yes, I don’t know why these situations usually happen to me. ALFRED: Anyway, do you need me to take you to the shoe shop? Geoffrey: Thanks but no. I’ve already lost all my dignity, so, I might as well keep my slippers on all the time! They are ever so comfy! ALFRED: Wow. I guess we don’t need to record a podcast! With your stories of the previous nights, I don’t need to plan the podcast. I just have to ask you how was your day! Geoffrey: Yes! Can I go now? My show starts at 7pm and I don’t want to miss the last bus! ALFRED: Sure, say goodbye. Geoffrey: Ok, goodbye Geoffrey! ALFRED: You’re Geoffrey! Anyway, goodbye everyone! Geoffrey: Goodbye! Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-englishThis podcast is powered by Pinecast.

Episode Notes Learn English with Two Old Men.Who are these two crazy old men in a shed? Meet Geoffrey and Alfred, two old men who know nothing!Support us Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglishSee the podcast notes on how to learn with the podcast.Transcript: ALFRED: Welcome to the Learn English with Two Old Men podcast... And there is no introduction music! That is a good start to this series of podcasts. Well the aim of this podcast is to talk about the lives of two old men and hopefully, someone might find some wisdom, someone might find some useful advice and hopefully someone will listen to us. We hope to entertain and educate. But it is not just me. With me is my co-host Geoffrey. Say hello Geoffrey. Geoffrey: Hello Geoffrey. ALFRED: That is a really old and terrible joke! Geoffrey: Yes. The old jokes are the best. Anyway, why do you want me to say hello. I said hello to you 10 minutes ago. ALFRED: No, not to me, Geoffrey. Say hello to the listeners. Geoffreys: The listeners? There is nobody here in the room, except you and me. Are you nuts? ALFRED: You don’t remember that we are here to record a podcast, do you? Geoffrey: Ah, yes? This is it, is it? What is a podcast? ALFRED: What a great start! Think of it like an old radio programme. Geoffrey: I love the radio. So, people are listening to us live, right? Maybe, we can talk about the news. Live Today’s date is.. ALFRED: It is not live. It’s recorded and people can listen to us when they want. Geoffrey: That’s marvellous! How do they do that? ALFRED: Using the internet. Geoffrey: Oh, I’ve heard of the internet. What is it? ALFRED: Just think of it like magic spaghetti that connects people’s computers. Geoffrey: Yes, yes. I understand. ALFRED: Anyway, today’s topic is... I can’t find my show notes. Have you seen them? Geoffrey:Uh-oh! Were they a lot of pieces of paper? ALFRED: Yes, they were. Geoffrey: Were they written in pencil? ALFRED: Yes, they were. Geoffrey: Did you leave them on the small table at the back of the room? ALFRED: Yes, I did. Geoffrey: Well, I’m afraid I haven’t seen them. ALFRED: Geoffrey! Are you hiding something? Geoffrey: Yes ALFRED: Did you do something with my notes? Geoffrey: Yes ALFRED: What did you do? Geoffrey: Well, my daughter says I have to recycle more. I’ve now got an obsession for it. I recyle everything I find ALFRED: Everything? Geoffrey: Everything! I’ve even recycled the recycling bin. ALFRED: But, you don’t have a daughter. Geoffrey: Ah really? I thought I did. I must have recycled her too! ALFRED: haha. Ok, so! Your memory is bad and unfortunately, my memory isn’t that good either. Ok, let me think of some questions. There is a lot in the news about immigration, borders being put up. What do you think of this? Geoffrey: Really! That is great! We need borders! What would the maps look like without them? Anyway, the waitress at my local café is foreign. ALFRED: Ah really? Where is she from? Geoffrey: I don’t know, but she has got a lovely accent! Makes this old man happy! If she can make a good cup of tea, that is all that matters to me. ALFRED: Geoffrey, We’re old, you can look but you can’t touch. Geoffrey: I can’t touch? ALFRED: Yes, you literally can’t touch as you’re an ugly old man with hairs in his hears who struggles to get himself out of his own chair. Geoffrey: Yes, yes. I’d love to ... ALFRED: Geoffrey! Geoffrey: Anyway, I’d love to meet a young foreign lass! This old man misses the women’s touch, and with a blue pill or two.. ALFRED: Geoffrey! Calm down! Geoffrey: Yes, yes, sorry. Maybe, I’ll just keep to my normal task of helping the waitress improve her English; I teach her all the naughty words. It makes this old man happy, yes! ALFRED: You are a dirty old man. Now, can you speak any other languages? Geoffrey: Actually, yes I can. ALFRED: Really? That is surprising. What other language can you speak? Geoffrey: I can speak, French. I have a story about how I learnt it. ALFRED: I’m sure you do. Please, go ahead. Geoffrey: Well, I was on the front line during the war. But, I didn’t like killing people, so I decided to run way. ALFRED: War is horrible. I don’t blame you. Geoffrey: Well. I was in France. I was 18 and it was 1944. I ran and ran and.. ALFRED: ran? Geoffrey: Yes! No! I ran, ran and ate rats. It was the only meat I could find. They go well with tomatoes. ALFRED: Please continue before I throw-up. Geoffrey: As you know, people always say I have a bit of a baby’s face. I look younger than I am. ALFRED: Not anymore Geoffrey! Geoffrey: Thanks, I think? Anyway, I decided to use my young looks to my advantage. So, I painted my cheeks red, found some bright socks and wore a silly hat. ALFRED: So, you tried to look like a child. Geoffrey: Yes. I think I saw some children playing. French children of course. So, I joined in, they were playing football. Of course, I lost the game. I’ve always been bad at sports. ALFRED: Right, but you didn’t speak French at that moment, right? Geoffrey: No, I didn’t. So, after the game, all the parents came to collect their children. Of course, I was left alone. Then one fat lady. ALFRED: It’s politically incorrect to say fat. Geoffrey: Oh, sorry, one large lady... ALFRED: I don’t know about political correctness anymore. I give up. Geoffrey: Ok, one lady whose size was bigger than the average at that time, saw me. She had no children. She must have felt sorry for me. She came over and gave me a big hug. Then before I could say no, she grabbed my arm and took me to her house. ALFRED: But, obviously, you explained that you weren’t a child. Geoffrey: No, her boyfriend was a German soldier. So, I couldn’t speak English in front of him. I decided to continue to pretend that I was a child. At least, for the first time in 2 months, I got a good meal, a nice warm bed and a bed time story, even if I couldn’t understand a word she was saying. ALFRED: But, did you try to escape? Geoffrey, Yes, I did try to escape, the days that her boyfriend was away. ALFRED: Did you manage to escape? Geoffery: No! That big woman was stronger than an ox! She kept catching me and taking me back to her house. She spanked my bottom every time. ALFRED: She spanked your bottom? Geoffrey: Yes, it was very red and sore. I did enjoy it a little. ALFRED: Back to the story please. Geoffrey: Anyway, I tried to explain to her that I was a soldier who is hiding. But, of course she didn’t understand a word. She didn’t speak English. She would say “shh” and then give me a drink of hot milk and send me to bed. Not even a bedtime story! ALFRED: Well, what happened? Geoffrey: I had stay there until I could learn French and explain to her that I’m not a lost child and that I’m an adult. ALFRED: Did you? Geoffrey: No, I’m a bit stupid, She was a vet. So, I learnt to say that ‘I am a dog’ but never learn the French word for child! So, she thought it was a game, she gave me a bone for bed. ALFRED: Obviously, you managed to escape... Geoffrey: Yes, after a year, I did. Some nuns were passing through the village, and I decided to escape with them. I dressed up as a nun and joined them. By this time, the war was over and that is another story. ALFRED: So, did you did learn French in the end, didn’t you? Geoffrey: No, I never could learn foreign languages. - Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-englishThis podcast is powered by Pinecast.

July 2nd, 1938, 4-year-old Alfred Beilhartz is camping with family and friends in Rocky Mountain National Park. Alfred and his father went to the nearby Fall River to bathe and prepare for the start of their day. When Alfred ran off to spend time with other campers in their party, he was never seen again.  In the hours following his disappearance over a 150 searchers and bloodhounds scoured the surrounding area, diverted river waters, and drained a nearby reservoir, sadly turning up no sign of Alfred. Even stranger, hikers reported possible sightings of Alfred thousands of feet up from Fall River on a treacherous ledge named Devils Nest.  When the hikers reached Devils Nest there was no sign of him. What happened to Alfred? What did the hikers see? How could a 4 year old hike thousands of feet in only a few hours? Join us this week as we cover the mysterious disappearance of Alfred Beilhartz and try to figure out what happened. Thanks for listening to Locations Unknown - this is our last episode for the summer.  We'll be on break until mid September.  We have a lot of exciting cases in the works for Fall 2019 and some big news in the Arvin Nelson case.  You won't want to miss it!   Learn about other unsolved missing persons cases in America's wilderness at Locations Unknown. Follow us on Facebook & Instagram. Become a Patron of the Locations Unknown Podcast by visiting our Patreon page.