Chuckle English

Episode Notes (A bit of a difficult English dictation today!) A monthly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. Transcript: A 43 year old man, has won a court case against his parents for throwing out his porn collection.  The judge has ordered his parents to pay him $30,000 for getting rid of his porn collection. His collection included films, magazines and other items. His Dad said that he had done his son a big favour by getting rid of all of his stuff. Support Chuckle English by contributing to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes (A bit of a difficult English dictation today!) A monthly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. Transcript: A woman who banned her boyfriend from playing computer games, has come up with a great way to get him to do house chores.  The boyfriend, who is unemployed, used to spend all day playing computer games, and never helping around the house.  She tried to talk to him, but he still didn't help. However, after turning off his internet connection, she has managed to negotiate with him.  She now only lets him play when he has helped to clean the house.  Get WEEKLY Dictations on our Patreon Page Subscribe at www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglish for weekly dictations and even more content to help you improve your English. Support Chuckle English by contributing to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

A friendly reminder about our daily funny videos from our Puppet English Teachers to help you improve your English: Instagram Facebook Also, please consider supporting us on Patreon for more materials to improve your English Support Chuckle English by contributing to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes (A bit of a difficult English dictation today!) A monthly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. Transcript: A man called in a bomb threat at his local fast food restaurant because they were out of his favourite sauce for his chicken nuggets. However, things didn't go his way. The man was arrested after he threatened to blow up the restaurant and punch an employee because of the missing sauce. The 42 year old man was arrested and charged with making a false report of an explosive device. Get WEEKLY Dictations on our Patreon Page Subscribe at www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglish for weekly dictations and even more content to help you improve your English. Support Chuckle English by contributing to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes (A bit of a difficult English dictation today!) A weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. Transcript: A giant tortoise, who escaped from his home, has been found 1 and a half kilometres away.  The tortoise, called Titan, who weighs 57kg, lives in a garden in the UK.  His owner has no idea how he escaped his enclosure.  There is no sign of damage or holes in the fences of his enclosure. It took three police officers to lift Titan up.  Titan is 35 years old and measures a metre across. Support Chuckle English by contributing to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes (A bit of a difficult English dictation today!) A weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. Transcript: In Japan, a town received funds to help with COVID-19 relief and decided to use them on something a little different.  The town leaders decided that the best way to use the money was to buy a huge statue of a giant squid.  The town is famous for its squid fishing, so the town council thought that a giant squid statue would bring in more tourists.  The statue cost around $200,000.  Support Chuckle English by contributing to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes (A bit of a difficult English dictation today!) A weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. Transcript: A woman in Poland, called the police when she saw a bizarre animal in a tree outside her flat.  The woman didn’t know what animal it was, but thought it might be an iguana.  When the officers arrived they were able to get the mystery animal down.  The animal in question turned out to be a croissant.  A neighbour thinks that the croissant was thrown out of a window as food for birds, but ended up getting stuck in the tree.  The officers did not mention what happened to the croissant after it was rescued from the tree. Support Chuckle English by contributing to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes (A bit of a difficult English dictation today!) A weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. Transcript: In Turkey, a whole neighbourhood learned sign language in order to surprise a deaf man who lives there.  Everybody secretly learned sign language.  The neighbourhood then set up cameras in the streets so they could surprise him. On the day, as the man begins to walk down the street, he is surprised when people in shops and in the street speak to him in sign language.  Even the local taxi driver learnt it.  He then arrives at the town square and is met by all the residents who surprise him.  The video of the special day finishes with the guy clearly emotionally moved. Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes (A bit of a difficult English dictation today!) A weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. Transcript: Vending machines selling sausages have become very popular in Germany.  The machines are ‘booming’ outside German cities where shops don’t stay open for long house.  Hungry Germans who are hungry in the middle of the night can buy local sausages and also potato salad – so customers can buy all they need for a traditional German meal. Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes (A bit of a difficult English dictation today!) A weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. Transcript: A family was left stunned when police turned up at their house following a report of domestic violence.  Their neighbours said that they called the police when they saw shadows fighting through the window and heard ‘yells’.  They thought that the parents were fighting.  However, what they saw were the shadows of their kids wrestling in their bedroom.  In a video shared on the internet, a police officer can be seen ordering the family outside as he points the gun at the door.  Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes (A bit of a difficult English dictation today!) A weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. Transcript: In Connecticut, USA, a person bought a bowl at a yard sale for just $35 dollars.  However, it was not just any ordinary bowl.  It turned out to be a rare 15th century porcelain bowl made in China.  And guess what? Last Wednesday, it sold at auction for $722,000.   The small white bowl is adorned with blue paintings of flowers and other designs.  Only seven of such bowls are known to exist in the world.  Subscribe to our Patreon Page to Get Extra Content: patreon.com/chuckleEnglish Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes Hi everybody, This is Siôn from Chuckle English. Thank you for listening to my podcasts and dictations, and I hope they are helping you to improve your listening comprehension in English. I’d just like to tell you about a way that you can improve your speaking skills every month from home.  By subscribing to my Patreon page as a VIP learner, you can send me a 10 minute audio clip of your speaking every month, and I will check it and give you feedback on things such as pronunciation, grammar and vocabulary.   Check out the link below to see how you can subscribe and improve your English speaking skills every month.   As well as this, you’ll also receive other benefits, such as an extra weekly dictation, a weekly question & answer session with me, where you can ask me a question about anything to do with the English language, and much more... Subscribe to my Patreon page and Improve Your English Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes (A bit of a difficult English dictation today!) A weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. Transcript: Many people try to avoid getting hacked, especially their bank accounts.  But for some men, it’s their objective.  In the world of ‘findoms’, or financial domination, men give their information to women in order to allow them to take money from their accounts and buy things for themselves online.  They do this as this form of submission that is pleasurable for them.  By searching for the correct hashtag on social media, it’s possible to see that there are many men who are doing this. Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes (A bit of a difficult English dictation today!) A weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. Transcript: The first endangered U.S. animal has been cloned.  The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service announced that they have successfully cloned a black-footed ferret.  Black-footed ferrets were declared extinct in 1970.  However, two years later a small population was found living on a Wyoming farmer’s property.  This cloned female ferret, was cloned from the frozen cells of another ferret that lived more than 30 years ago.  Officials say that the newly cloned ferret will become part of a breeding program and add some genetic diversity to the species. Do you think the cloning of endangered species is a good thing? Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes A weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. Transcript: A boy had to have six hours of life-saving surgery after he ate dozens of magnets for an experiment. Rhiley, 12, loves science and decided to swallow 54 magnetic balls, to see if he could get metal to stick to his stomach. He swallowed the first half on January 1st, and the rest 3 days later.   When they failed to pass through his system, he woke his mum up and told her he had only swallowed 2.  He was rushed to hospital and after an x-ray, he had a six-hour operation to remove them.  He spent 10 days unable to move without vomiting.  Doctors say that he was very lucky to not have caused any serious lasting damage. Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes A weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. (The dictations starts at 34 seconds, if you don't need the instructions) Transcript: Episode Notes A weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. Transcript: A man has been declared a ‘legend’ after helping a woman in a supermarket.  Brandon, saw the woman being harassed by another man, who was touching her and asking her to go back to his place.  Brandon then went over to the woman and started to talk to her like he knew her.  She went along with it, he told her that his aunt is with him and wants to come and see her. They eventually walked off together and the woman thanked him for helping her.  She said that the man was ‘so creepy’.  Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes A weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. (The dictations starts at 34 seconds, if you don't need the instructions) Transcript: Episode Notes A weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. (The dictations starts at 34 seconds, if you don't need the instructions) Transcript: Recently, a flight attendant has shared a video explaining the products that you should never consume on a plane.  Basically, she says that you should only drink drinks that come in a bottle or a carton.  The water tanks that are used for tea and coffee are never cleaned, she explains.  She also goes on to explain that certain parts of the coffee machine are only cleaned if they break.  She went on to say that parents should never ask for hot water to put in their baby bottles.  Will you ask for a cup of coffee or tea the next time you fly? Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes A weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. (The dictations starts at 34 seconds, if you don't need the instructions) Transcript: Episode Notes A weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. (The dictations starts at 34 seconds, if you don't need the instructions) Transcript: Have you ever found something strange in a new house?  That is what happened to a woman in Arizona!  When Annabell moved to a new house with her family, they became suspicious when they found a large mirror attached to the wall.  They couldn’t get the mirror off, as it was firmly attached to the wall.  They decided to cut the wall around the mirror.  They found that it was a two-way mirror. Behind the two-way mirror was a secret room with wires to connect to cameras, and also some strange cupboards.  Who was being filmed? And who was doing filming? Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes A weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. (The dictations starts at 34 seconds, if you don't need the instructions) Transcript: A group of friends from Northern Island booked a flight to meet up during lockdown. But all is not what it seems. With all of the bars and pubs closed in Northern Ireland, the only place to drink a pint was at the airport. So, they all booked a cheap £10 flight and met up at the airport to have a drink at the bar there. They posted photos of their beer and boarding passes on social media, and have been branded ‘legends’. Selfishness or a great idea, what do you think? Please support Chuckle English on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglish Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes A new weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. (The dictations starts at 34 seconds, if you don't need the instructions) Transcript: Recently, fishermen in Indonesia were astonished when they found an albino shark. They found the baby shark inside the stomach of a dead adult shark which was caught in their nets. But they weren’t shocked because it was an albino shark. What shocked them the most was that this shark only had one eye. Its one eye is located exactly in the middle of its head. It was a Cyclops shark! Me? I prefer one-eyed sharks; it makes it easier to escape them! Is this the result of nuclear contamination? What’s next? Godzilla? Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes A new weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. (The dictations starts at 34 seconds, if you don't need the instructions) Transcript: Are you married? Did you spend a lot of money on food for your guests? One couple didn’t! Recently, on Facebook, a photo of the food at a wedding has gone viral. The pictures were taken by a bridesmaid. In the photo she criticizes the food. All they had on the plate were a packet of crisps, half a croissant, two cocktail sticks with tiny bits of cheese and fruit, as well as a small pot containing cucumber a carrot and baby tomatoes. Other people said that is exactly what they gave their babies to eat for lunch! Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes In this episode, I speak to you as a teacher in order to give your advice of how to learn English in better ways. In this episode, I discuss the best way to learn vocabulary. Many thanks for listening to the Chuckle English podcast, a comedy podcast for learning English. Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes A new weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. Transcript: James has been in the army for six years. He’s away for long periods at a time. This means that holding down a long relationship can be hard. So, he started to use escorts to satisfy his sexual needs. The website he uses only lets him see their bodies, it doesn’t show their faces. He decided to look for an older woman. One day, he booked an older escort. When she arrived at his door there was a big surprise. It was his friend’s mother. His friend’s mother continued like a professional during the encounter. After they finished, they decided it should be a secret. What is worrying is that James’s friend uses the same website! Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes A new weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. Transcript: If you are a husband and your wife asks you to get a rat out of your bedroom, I recommend that you do it! In Zambia, a wife bit off her husband’s penis after he refused to get a rat out of her bedroom. She was angry when she came home after a few drinks to find the rat near her bed. Unable to sleep, she ordered her husband to get rid of it. A fight began and then she sank her teeth into his genitals, causing a major tear. Ouch! That’s got to hurt! Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes A new weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. Transcript: A husband was asked by his wife to improve their garden. She asked him to clear the weeds and maybe put a gnome on the patio. Adrian, 52, decided to buy a 3.5m replica of a T-Rex. He thought that nothing would look better than a big replica of a T-Rex. He bought the dinosaur for £1,600 from a company in Wales. They needed a crane to lift it into the garden. The neighbours loved it. After arriving late from work, his wife, Deborah, got the fright of her life when she opened the curtains the next morning to see the big dinosaur looking at her. Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes A new weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. Transcript: A lifestyle coach in Australia has recently revealed that she charges men $50 to rate their manhood. The sex educator gives men advice on how to improve their love lives, depending on the size of their penis. Her customers just have to send her $50 and a picture of their private parts, and she sends them a report. The report includes advice, such as the best sex positions and how to improve their hygiene. This service for men has become her most popular one, as there isn’t much interaction and men find it safe Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes Thank you for listening and subscribing and support me with your donations. I want to quickly tell you about a new service that I have craeated to help you improve your spoken English. Sometimes, it’s difficult to find the time to practice. It can also be difficult to find a good teacher who will tell you exactly how to improve your spoken English. That’s why I have a new service that you can use any time you want to practice your speaking. Just record yourself speaking for a couple of minutes, it can be 5 minutes or en 10. Then send it to me over the Fiverr website (Link shown below) I’ll give you useful feedback on your sentence structure, grammar, pronunciation and vocabulary. Improve your English by talking about subjects that are personally or professional interesting to you! Talk about yourself, your holidays, practice a work presentation, talk about the news, practice a job interview, or whatever motivates you! Thanks for listening. Improve your Spoken English now: https://www.fiverr.com/share/rd9aLr Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes A new weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. Transcript: A Labrador’s fur is changing from black to white and people are stunned! Blaze the dog, who is a Labrador retriever, is memorizing people with his fur. He has a condition called vitiligo, which means that his black fur is slowly changing its colour to white. Blaze lives with his owner in Finland, and last year, his owner noticed a white patch of fur on his ear. Since then, the white fur has slowly moved down his body giving him a unique look. He melts the hearts of anyone he meets on his walks. Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes A new weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. Transcript: With the current lock-down due to the Coronavirus, more people have been doing their shopping online. However, sometimes shopping online can go a little wrong. A woman called Naomi, recently ordered 1 kg of sweet potatoes. Instead of receiving a sack of potatoes, she received one gigantic sweet potato. She called it Potatozilla. She shared it on Twitter and it quickly went viral. Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes Learn English with Crazy StoriesWARNING: The topics covered in this story may be of an adult nature. However, this story is just for fun.She always felt disappointed in sex. But, then one day, it all changed. However, she didn't know why it changed until she went to see her doctor.Transcript I’ve always been a dreamer. I’ve spent my whole life dreaming; dreaming of being with him. I thought it would be impossible, because he’s famous and has a wife, and me? I’m just a simple girl from a simple family. But, it happened, he came to me in a dream, and now I’m here, 6 months pregnant with his child. As a young girl in school, I didn’t pay much attention in class. Believe me, I tried, but my fantasies just got the better of me. I’d find myself drifting off in any class. I’d drift off into my dreams of being with him. No boy in my year or school could meet his standards. That’s right! I never had a boyfriend, nor kissed a boy in school. How could I? How could I betray the man of my dreams? Now, who is this man that I spent so many hours dreaming of? I’ll tell you in a minute. But, I think he’s more than a man. He’s a god, a god among men! His body is just so perfect! Like it’s been finely designed by a machine. A machine that has a kinky side, and likes its men to perfectly sexy! His face is so beautiful! His eyes and that cheeky smile! Apparently, he used to be a footballer, but now, he’s always having his photo taken to model underwear. His name? David Beckham. People, say that he isn’t the smartest guy out there, but I’m not the smartest girl out there either. Some say he has a squeaky uneducated voice that doesn’t match the manliness of his body, but I don’t care. Anyway, If I had him in my room, he wouldn’t need to speak a word! I’m making myself hot. My room is full of his photos. I have so many. Posters on my walls, in my draws and even a photoshopped photo of us two together in a photo frame on the bedside cabinet next to my bed. I buy a lot of magazines for men and women, just to check if there are any adverts for underwear or perfume with David in them. I’ve created our own photo album, called ‘David and I’. To see how we have grown throughout the years, no matter the physical distance between us. I believe that David and I are born to be together. However, there is just one issue; Victoria. Yes, David is married to her! He’s got kids! Those should have been mine! I’ve tried to meet him a few times. Once, I met him at a fashion show. I wasn’t wearing any underwear, and made sure he noticed. He looked at me! I’m sure we shared a connection for the few seconds we looked at each other before security jumped on me. I forgive him; his security must work for Victoria, not him. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. I’ve also sent him some nude photos. I actually got a letter back. He told me to stop, but I’m sure that evil witch, Victoria made him do it. I like to think there is a secret message in the letter, telling me that he loves me. I know we will be together, one day! I believe in destiny. I always believed I would be the mother of his children. I knew it would happen! I just didn’t know that it would take so long! But, now I’m here, 6 months pregnant with David Beckham’s child. How did it happen? I usually dream about David, even sexually sometimes. But this time was different. It was romantic, flowers, next to the beach and his breath in my ear. We made love in my dream. I knew this was it! People didn’t believe me, so I had to get some proof. A few weeks later, I went for a pregnancy test, and my dreams had come true; I was pregnant! I was pregnant with David’s child. People laughed at me, but I knew it was true. It must have been David’s! Ok, I had a few nights with some men, but they always told me that they pulled out before reaching orgasm. Why would they lie? Anyway, I have David’s child inside me. I can feel his DNA inside me. I tried to contact David with the news, but he didn’t reply. I just got a letter from the Beckham’s lawyer. Again, that must be Victoria doing that. I know that if David knew, he would come to me. I know he had the same dream too. The future? I will raise my child and call him David. I will teach him who his dad is and how the evil Spice Girl took him away from him. Financially, ok, I haven’t seen any money from David yet, but I have sold my story to those terrible newspapers, like the Sun or the Daily Mail, they buy anything! Their money will help me raise David Junior.Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes Learn English with Two Old Men. The Two Old Men are back! Alfred wants to surprise Geoffrey with cake and balloons. Alfred tells a story about his wife's hate of technology.Support us Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglishHow to use See the website (www.chucklenglish.com) on how to learn with the podcast.Transcript Alfred: Hi Geoffrey! Geoffrey: Yes, hello Alfred! Alfred: How has your morning been? Geoffrey: Yes, yes, yes. Alfred: Something tells me you are not feeling quite yourself today, Geoffrey. Geoffrey: You could say that. I do feel like a bit of a fool. Alfred: You may be bit of a fool, but this podcast wouldn’t be the same without you! I don’t need to write jokes when you are around and telling your stories! Geoffrey: I’m just one big joke to you, aren’t I? Alfred: Geoffrey, I didn’t mean it like that! You are a loveable fool! Geoffrey, you are also my friend. Geoffrey: Your friend! Where were you last night? Alfred: Last night? What happened last night? Geoffrey: You really don’t care about me, do you! Alfred: Of course I care, you are my friend, but please tell me what is going on? Geoffrey: Please, stop talking so loud! My head hurts. Alfred: That’s another piece of the mystery! Your head hurts and you’re talking about last night. We all know that you never go out after 6pm. Did you get drunk last night? Geoffrey: Well, you should know! Alfred: Why should I know where you go? I only record you for the podcast. Geoffrey: Because I told you before where I would be going last night. Alfred: When did you tell me, Geoffrey? Geoffrey: Last week. Alfred: I’m sure that you didn’t tell me. I usually write everything in my diary. At my age I even forget my wife’s birthday if I don’t write it down. Geoffrey: At your age? That is not an excuse! You have always forgotten birthdays! Even before you got old! Alfred: We got old, Geoffrey! Hmm, talking about birthdays does ring a bell! Geoffrey: Well check your diary then! Alfred: Ok, hmmm. Yesterday’s entry in my diary reads: Go to bakery. Make tuna sandwich. Eat tuna sandwich. Search internet for ways to remove old skin from feet. Have a cup of tea. Geoffrey: Isn’t there anything about me? Alfred: No, sorry Geoffrey. You’ll have to stop moaning and tell me why you are in a bad mood. Geoffrey: I have a hangover. Yesterday was my birthday party and you didn’t come! Alfred: You didn’t tell me. Geoffrey: I sent you an invite. Alfred: Sorry Geoffrey, but I didn’t receive one. What did they look like? Geoffrey: They were written on little post-it note paper. Alfred: Ok, were they yellow? Geoffrey: Yes, they were! You did receive an invite! Alfred: No, but I can see a bunch of post-it notes sticking out of your jacket pocket! Geoffrey: What? Yes, yes. Oh no! These are my invitations. Alfred: You silly-sausage! You forgot to give them out! Geoffrey: Oh no! That explains why none of my friends came! Alfred: Where did you go for your birthday party? Geoffrey: To The Horse’s Inn. Alfred: Wow, a very posh pub; they have 7 types of beer! Geoffrey: Yes, I decided to treat myself. Unfortunately, because none of my friends came, I had to celebrate my party with the pub locals. There was Pint stealing Pete. Alfred: Why do you call him Pint stealing Pete? Geoffrey: I have no idea! But, he’s a very nice guy. Every time, I went to the toilet he had refilled my pint of beer! Alfred: Who else was there? Geoffrey: Well, apparently Doris has a sister, called Wendy. Alfred: Doris has a sister? Please, don’t invite her round her! Geoffrey: Yes, I couldn’t stand her. She was always repeating herself and kept talking about going to the local farmers’ market. Nothing like Doris at all! Alfred: So, how did the evening go? Geoffrey: It started well enough, we played darts, cards and my favourite game called hide the haemorrhoid cream! Unfortunately, when it was my turn to hide Pete’s cream, they couldn’t find it, and then by the time they had stopped looking, I had forgotten where I had hidden it! He told me he couldn’t sit down this morning. Alfred: Oh dear. So, you had a nice birthday. So, why are you looking down? Geoffrey: Well, as I said, it started well. But, then everyone started to buy me round after round of beer. I got a little drunk. Alfred: There’s no harm in that. Geoffrey: Then I saw the woman of my dreams in the corner. Alfred: It wasn’t Doris was it? Geoffrey: Don’t be silly! Anyway, this woman was young, 50 years old and had a great body! Also, she was looking at me! Alfred: Some female interest is always good, especially at our age. Did you go and speak to her? Geoffrey: Yes, yes, I did. I put my false teeth in, pulled my trousers up over my belly and walked over. Alfred: Well done Geoffrey! Geoffrey: Yes. The great thing was that she was a good listener; she listened to all my stories and didn’t leave. She was very quiet and didn’t say much, but I think that is because she was entranced by my war stories. Alfred: That would be a first! Geoffrey: Eventually, I asked her to dance. We danced all night long and then eventually we kissed. Alfred: Wow! Geoffrey! This is amazing! Why are you so sad? Geoffrey: When I went to see Pint Stealing Pete, he showed me his new mobile telephone. He said that he had taken pictures of last night. Alfred: Not necessarily a bad thing. Geoffrey: I asked him if he had any pictures of my mysterious lady, as I forgot to ask for her number. Alfred: Ah great! Maybe you can find her! Geoffrey: I don’t want to find her. Alfred: Why not? Geoffrey: My mystery woman wasn’t a ‘she’. Alfred: Oh god! Your mystery woman was a man? OH no Geoffrey! Geoffrey: Alfred. Alfred: To be honest, it is ok. Geoffrey: Alfred! Alfred: Ok, you danced and kissed a man, but at your age, you don’t get many opportunities, just accept it and be pleased someone was interested in you! Geoffrey: Alfred! Alfred: Yes? Geoffrey: It wasn’t a man Alfred: Oh? It wasn’t a woman or a man? I think I have seen people like that on a late-night documentary. Geoffrey: It wasn’t a person. Alfred: Wow! What did you kiss? Geoffrey: I spent all night dancing with and kissing a coat stand! Wendy had left her coat and hat on it. I spent 3 hours talking to a coat stand! Alfred: That is hilarious! Geoffrey: They didn’t tell me, because they thought it was hilarious. Alfred: Don’t worry about it! I can’t say I have done it myself, but I’m sure there are many people who have mistook a coat stand for a woman! Geoffrey: Really? Alfred: No. I think you are the only one. Geoffrey: Oh dear! I think I’m going to go home and lie-down. Alfred: Good idea Geoffrey. At your age, you’ll need a week to recover. Geoffrey: oh! - Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes Learn English with Celebrity InterviewsOur interview travels through time interviewing famous historical people. Unfortunately, his time-machine only allows him to ask 5 questions.Today, he travels to the 13th century to meet Marco Polo, just after his return to EuropeHow to use* See the website (www.chucklenglish.com) on how to learn with the podcast.Transcript Interviewer: Welcome to Quick History Interviews; the show where we travel in time and ask 5 questions to someone famous Today, we’ve travelled a long way back in time, to the 13th century to meet Marco Antonio Polo, as he returns home after a long journey. Interviewer: Nice to meet you Mr Polo! Polo: Thank you strange man! Call me Marco! Let’s not be so formal about this! Interviewer: But I like to call you Polo, because it reminds me of the car. Polo: What is a car? Interviewer: It’s like a carriage. There is one named after you by the Volkswagen company! Polo: What a strange name! I will have to buy one of these ‘cars’! Interviewer: Anyway, to my questions. You started your long journey as a teenager at 17. What motivated you to explore the world? Polo: Well, I was fed-up of being at home and my father asking me to do the cleaning all the time. He always used to get angry with me for playing my music too loud in my room! Interviewer: Playing music in your room?! Records and record players didn’t exist back then. Polo: Back when? Interviewer: I mean now. Polo: I have no idea what a record player is. It sounds interesting, is it a person who will change your government records for a bit of money? Interviewer: Not exactly. I mean, how did you have music in your room? Polo: Like everyone else. I invited the local harp and flute band to play in my room. They usually stayed in my room a long time, because it’s difficult to take a harp up and down stairs. Anyway, that was your second question! Interviewer: You still haven’t answered my first question. Polo: Yes, I know. One thing, how are you going to pay me for this interview? Interviewer: Is money ok? I have paper money from a strange foreign land. Is that Ok? Polo: But, I thought I was the first man to bring paper money to Europe! Yes, I can accept that. By the way, that was your third question. Interviewer: That’s not fair! Please answer my first question. Why did you start your journey? Polo: Ok. Well, my father was angry with me and he made me do the washing up after every meal! I was so angry that I decided to go for a walk, a long walk. The truth is that I got lost. Interviewer: You got lost and finished in China? Polo: Yep. Interviewers: All of these adventures were because you got lost as a teenager? Polo: Yes, that’s right! Interviewer: You got lost and ended up in China? Polo: Yes, I got lost! Interviewer: Wow! Next question: What is the most unusual thing you saw on your adventures! Polo: I saw a real-life unicorn! People think they are magical creatures, but the reality is, that they are filthy things! Interviewer: You saw unicorns? Can you describe them to me? Polo: Sure. They have black horns on their heads. They are ugly with feet like elephants. Interviewer: That sounds like a rhinoceros. Polo: No, they were unicorns. Interviewer: Did they have the head like a... Polo: wild boar? Yes! Interviewer: That’s definitely a rhinoceros Polo: I think I know what a unicorn is! Interviewer: Have you ever seen a rhinoceros? Polo: You said 5 questions! That is your 6th question! I don’t have to answer it! Interviewer: Just answer me. Do you know the difference between a unicorn and rhinoceros? Polo: Sorry, no more questions. That’s the deal! Interviewer: Just that last one! Polo: I can’t hear you! La-la-la! Interviewer: Mr Polo! This is not behaviour I would expect from someone like you! Polo: Sorry, I can’t hear you! Anyway, tomorrow I have a trip to Venice and have to pass near Genoa. I hope Genoa and Venice finally have peace! Interviewer: Actually, there are still a lot of problems between them. Polo: Sorry, I can’t here you! I’ve visited China, the Mongol empire, but you are one of the strangest people I’ve ever met. Interviewer: Thank you! Polo: Not a compliment. Goodbye Interviewer: Ok! Goodbye then! And that’s the end. It’s time for me to return to the present. Goodbye! Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes A new weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. Transcript: I find animals very curious. For example, ducks! What do ducks do in their free time? I don’t know! When you go to the park, they come over to you and are all happy. You throw them your bread. They eat and they are all happy! Then you leave and where do they go? Because they’re not eating bread when nobody is in the park! It must be one of the biggest mysteries of life, like; do jellyfish taste of jelly? You can never find these things out! So, what do ducks do? I wish they’d invent some kind of secret camera to record the ducks and we could see what they do! - Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes Learn English with Crazy StoriesWARNING: The topics covered in this story may be of an adult nature. However, this story is just for fun.She always felt disappointed in sex. But, then one day, it all changed. However, she didn't know why it changed until she went to see her doctor.Transcript I can talk to ducks I’ve always been a person of nature! I’ve always enjoyed the great outdoors. My family has always had pets. At the weekends, there is nothing I like better than to go for a long walk in the mountains. What I love most about nature are the animals. It just reminds me of what the world could be like if we removed all the hatred around us. Animals are great! I love spending time with them. One week, I can be watching dolphins from the coast, another could be spent bird watching and another could be at home watching my dog, which spends most of his time licking his own...parts! My relationship with animals is great. I’m only 25, but I’ve had all types of pets, from spiders to rabbits and from mice to snakes. My favourite pet was probably Tim the spider. I found him in the garden one day. I kept him in a lunchbox. He was great because my mother was scared of him, so she never went into my room. So, she never found my adult magazines and I never had to tidy my room either. Regarding my relationships with other people, they haven’t been so great! I have difficulty making friends and sympathizing with other people. I felt lonely at school and I’ve never had a real girlfriend. My love of pets has even stopped my chances of getting a girlfriend. I remember one girl, Tammy was her name. I met her in science class. I just loved the way she dissected her frog. It was so elegant how she cut the frog. It was like beauty and the beast! One day in class, I passed her a note and told her that I liked her. We started talking and we got on really well. We flirted a lot with each other. We may have even shared a little kiss after school. I thought that she was going to be my first girlfriend. I was actually starting to fall in love with her. She didn’t mind that I was shy and sometimes found it difficult to get my words out. It took me a few weeks, but I eventually asked her to come to my house. We went to my room. I showed her my hamster. She liked it. I can’t remember its name. I then asked her if she’d like to see something bigger than a hamster. She was a little confused. So, I asked her she’d like to see my snake. I then mentioned that if she held my snake in her hands that it would be a lot happier. She ran out of my room and all the way home. I didn’t speak to her again. I decided that animals were better than people, but I was still hungry for conversation. Could I speak to the animals? Could I learn their languages? It was at this moment in my life that I started to imitate animals. I would spend all day watching animal videos trying to copy their sounds. Now, it was time to see if they would understand me in real life! The first animal I tried to speak to was my neighbour’s dog. But when I started copying it, it just seemed to make it angrier. My neighbour eventually came out and asked me to stop. I then decided to try birds by copying their whistles. However, even though I managed to imitate them well, it just felt like I...we were singing a song and the birds never made eye contact. I began to think about what is an animal that is not shy, that I can find in any park. It was obvious; ducks! I spent a month listening and trying to copy duck sounds. I tried to see if there were different sounds for when they were hungry or not. I was ready! The first time that I tried to speak directly to a duck was in a park. The ducks looked at me and came over to visit me, but I think that they were more interested in my sandwich. Their association of humans and bread stopped any communication. I was disappointed and sad. Talking to animals is impossible, isn’t it? Reality hurts. Everything changed a year later. I was on holiday and went for a walk up a mountain. I was alone, of course. I was a little tired, so I sat down next to a pond. At first, I didn’t hear anything. But then from behind me I heard a faint ‘quack, quack’ sound. It was a duck. I was thinking and asking myself “Shall I try to speak to it one more time?” My answer was yes. I started to imitate the ducks sound. The duck suddenly moved its head from side to side. It was responding to me! It was looking for the other duck (me) that was speaking to it! Wow, I was having a conversation with a duck. It then started to follow me as I left. This duck was in love with me! Unfortunately, I had to leave it behind. Since then, I have bought my own ducks for my garden. I spend all day speaking to them. They don’t associate me with bread, so we can spend hours and hours together speaking about everything. It’s true; we don’t use actual vocabulary, but for me the conversation is more about the feeling behind the sounds. They accept me as a duck! I accept them as my family. Now, I’ll say goodbye in duck “quack, quack, quack, quack”. Goodbye!Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes A new weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. Transcript: I used to have a pet. It was a guinea-pig. His name was Geoffrey. My sister also had a pet which was a rabbit. Geoffrey was a very shy pet while my sister’s rabbit was quite aggressive. They lived together in a pen in the garden. One day, I couldn’t find Geoffrey. I looked all over the garden. He was nowhere to be found. I eventually found him. He was inside one of the rabbit’s holes. The hole had collapsed. His body had been flattened. He had died. I still think that that rabbit is a murderer. Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes Learn English with Two Old Men. The Two Old Men are back! Alfred wants to surprise Geoffrey with cake and balloons. Alfred tells a story about his wife's hate of technology.Support us Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglishHow to use See the website (www.chucklenglish.com) on how to learn with the podcast.Transcript Alfred: Welcome to a very special episode of Learn English with two old men. Why is it a special episode? That’s because today is Geoffrey’s birthday! So, I thought it would be nice to surprise him. I’ve turned the lights off, so he will think I’m not here. Shhh, here he comes! Geoffrey: Hello? Alfred? Where are you? The lights are off. I’ve got the wrong day again! Oh well! I may as well take advantage of being alone by searching for Alfred’s hidden biscuits! He has to hide them from his wife! Silly old man! Anyway, where is the light? Here it is! Alfred: That’s not a light-switch Geoffrey, that’s my... Geoffrey: Ahh! Alfred are you ghost? I’m sorry by old friend. Alfred: Geoffrey, I’m not a ghost. Now, please take your hand off me! Geoffrey: Are you sure that is not the light-switch? Alfred: I’m very sure Geoffrey! Geoffrey: Are you a ghost, Alfred? Alfred: No, I’m just sitting in the dark! Geoffrey: Why is that? Alfred: You’ll see! I’m going to turn the lights on, now! Surprise! Geoffrey: Ahhh! Alfred: Happy birthday Geoffrey! Geoffrey: My heart! Are you trying to kill me! Alfred: I have thought about it a few times, to be honest. But, today is a celebration of your birthday! Geoffrey: What are all these things? Alfred: That’s a birthday cake, they are balloons, and those are some presents! Geoffrey: Balloons at my age? I’m not a child! Alfred: Every year, you are more similar to a child than you think! Geoffrey: Yes. Do you know what an exploding balloon can do to someone my age? Alfred: Give them a sense of happiness? Geoffrey: No! I remember last year, in the retirement home, they celebrated old Mavis’s 90th birthday. However, a balloon exploded. Half the people died from the shock! Alfred: Sorry Geoffrey! That sounds horrible! Geoffrey: Yes, yes! Well, the good news was that no-one ate the birthday cake! So, I took it home! It was delicious! Alfred: Right! Geoffrey: I have to tell you something Alfred. Alfred: What is it? Geoffrey: My birthday was yesterday. Alfred: Ah really? Geoffrey: Well, at least that is what they tell me. But, I’m sure they change my birthday every year. Alfred: I thought it was today! I’m sorry Geoffrey. Actually, I have no idea. It’s my wife who has all the birthday’s written down. She tells me. She even bought the cake, balloons and the presents. I don’t know what I would do without her. Geoffrey: Your wife bought the cake? Alfred: Yes, why? Geoffrey: It’s not one of those organ cakes is it? Alfred: An organ cake? Geoffrey: Yes, one of those healthy organ cakes. Alfred: Oh! You mean organic. Geoffrey: Yes! That is what I said! Alfred: I have no idea; I can’t read the ingredients on packets these days. Geoffrey: Is it chocolate? Alfred: Yes, as you like it! Geoffrey: real chocolate? Alfred: Yes, I presume so. Geoffrey: Ok, I’ll have some after we’ve finished talking here. Do we actually have any listeners? Alfred: Yes! I think we have at least one. Geoffrey: It’s not your wife is it? Alfred: No, she hates technology. Our daughter once bought her an iPad for her birthday. Geoffrey: I have an ‘eye-pad’ I put it on my eyes every night so go to sleep. They are really good for people like me who can’t sleep with even a tiny bit of light! You see when I put it over my eyes, I can’t see anything! Alfred: Geoffrey... Geoffrey: Alfred. However, when I wake-up sometimes I forget that I’ve got my eye-pad on and I think I’ve gone blind! It’s a scary feeling! First, I have to find my way to the bathroom to go and do a number one. Then, I try to go to the kitchen, by holding onto the walls. I only usually realize that I’m wearing my ‘eye-pad’ when I give myself a wash an hour later. Then I take it off and realize that I’m not blind! It’s such a relief! Alfred: Can’t you feel the eye-mask on your face? Geoffrey: No, no. With all of those years outside, at my age, my skin is like wood. I can’t feel much these days, and that’s just my face! Alfred: Geoffrey. You are talking about an eye-mask. I’m talking about an iPad, it’s not the same. Geoffrey: Oh no? What is an iPad then? Alfred: You’re just like my wife! Geoffrey: Are you going to tell me? Alfred: Yes, I was about to tell you about my wife. Geoffrey: Ok, stop interrupting then! Please, go ahead! Alfred: Well, an iPad is like a little computer that looks like a big mobile telephone. Geoffrey: Ah a computer! Yes, I’ve used those sometimes in the library and at the day care centre. Doris tells me that the computer has been there 10 years and I was probably only the second one to use it in that time! Alfred: If you were the second person to use it, who was the first person to use it? Geoffrey: That was Joe, although we gave him the nickname Peeping Joe. Alfred: Who the devil is Peeping Joe? Geoffrey: He’s dead now. I think he was a pervert; he used to peep at the old ladies in their rooms through the keyhole. Alfred: Now I understand his nickname. Geoffrey: He used to use the computer every day for a year, and then go to his room. He was eventually caught on the computer looking at pornographic material. Something called GILFs. No idea what that means. Alfred: Me neither. But the computer was in the communal area, why did it take a long time for him to be caught? Geoffrey: Well, it’s a day care centre for the elderly. They’re all practically blind! They can’t see a thing! Alfred: A bit like us! Geoffrey: A lot worse. When I go there, I sometimes take advantage of their poor sight. Alfred: You take advantage of their poor sight? How? Geoffrey: Well, they often take biscuits back to their chairs and forget about them because they can’t see them. So, I take a walk around the room and collect all the forgotten biscuits. Alfred: That’s terrible Geoffrey! Why do you do that? Geoffrey: Well, you remember that my wife doesn’t let me have biscuits, don’t you? Alfred: Yes, but that is a terrible thing to do. Geoffrey: Why Alfred? Alfred: You’re stealing other people’s biscuits! Geoffrey: But, they’ve forgotten about them! If they don’t they get thrown in the rubbish by the cleaners. Alfred: Hmm Geoffrey: I guess you can say that I’m doing my part to help save the world! It’s my way of recycling! Alfred: I do see your point, but it’s not the same as recycling plastic, is it? Geoffrey: At my age, it’s just as good! I even take the half-eaten biscuits sometimes, if I haven’t had a biscuit all day that is! Alfred: That doesn’t surprise me Geoffrey! Geoffrey: Anyway, you were telling me about your wife’s iPad... Alfred: Yes, but I don’t think it can beat your story Geoffrey: Don’t be miserable, tell me. Alfred: Ok. My daughter bought my wife an iPad... Geoffrey: The little computer Alfred: Yes, the little computer. It was a present for her birthday. My daughter showed her how to turn it on, read books, check her email, although my wife has never sent an email message in her life. She even showed her how to subscribe to this podcast! Geoffrey: Subscribe to this podcast? Is that possible? Alfred: Oh yes! We’re on iTunes, Spotify, Google Podcasts. People can even support us by subscribing on Patreon, all links are in the show notes. Geoffrey: I have no idea what you just said, but it sounds like a good idea! Alfred: Yes, subscribing is a great idea! Geoffrey: That was strange; it was like you were doing an advert in the middle of the podcast! Alfred: Yes, it was like an advert. Subscribe now! Geoffrey: Wow, back to the iPad. Alfred: Yes, after a day, my wife forgot how to use it. She now uses it for something completely different. Geoffrey: What does she use the iPad for? Alfred: Well, if you look under the cake. Geoffrey: Let me have a look... Ah yes! Alfred: Yes, she now uses the iPad as a tray for cakes and cups of tea! Geoffrey: I don’t usually like your mother’s... Alfred: My mother? Geoffrey: I mean your wife’s healthy lifestyle, but that is a great idea to recycle something. Alfred: I don’t know if it is a great idea. As I said the iPad was completely new! Geoffrey: I do need a new tray for my cups of tea. I might buy one of these iPads myself. Alfred: You do know how much they cost, don’t you? Geoffrey: Oh! They’re expensive are they! Alfred: A lot more than your monthly pension! Geoffrey: Maybe not. Anyway, I’d really like a piece of cake, Alfred. Alfred: Me too, I’ll call my wife for another cup of tea to celebrate my friend’s birthday. Geoffrey: It’s your friend’s birthday? Alfred: Yes, you are my friend, it’s your birthday. Geoffrey: Thank you. I guess that is why you have the cake Alfred: Oh Geoffrey! Happy Birthday! Geoffrey: Happy Birthday Geoffrey! Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes A new weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. Transcript: A large number of people are now working at home. Video meetings have become a lot more common. This week, Lizet, a political director at her company made a big mistake during a meeting, when she accidently turned herself into a potato on screen. She clicked a video effect setting that made her look like a potato with a mouth and eyes. However, she couldn’t find the setting to turn it off. She had to continue with the meeting appearing as a potato on screen. Her employees found it hilarious. An employee took a screenshot and shared it on social media. It quickly went viral, and over 500,000 people liked the postSupport Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes Learn English with Celebrity InterviewsOur interview travels through time interviewing famous historical people. Unfortunately, his time-machine only allows him to ask 5 questions.Today, he travels to the 1970's to meet John Lennon. In a moment when John Lennon is experiencing writers-blockHow to use See the website (www.chucklenglish.com) on how to learn with the podcast.Support us Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglishTranscript Interviewer: Welcome to Quick History Interviews. The show where we travel in time to meet people from our history. However, our time-machine only gives us time to ask 5 questions. Today, we travel to the Netherlands. To meet one of the most troubled yet intense painters in history, Vincent Van Gogh. We meet him near the end of his life. Interviewer: Mr Van Gogh, or can I call you Vincent? VG: No, call me Mr VG. Interviewer: Ok, Mr VG. Let’s get right to the most famous part of your life, your ear. Why did you cut it off? VG: Famous, I am famous in the future?! I have only ever sold one painting, which was 7 months ago. Now, I’m sick. I’m in bed. But now with this information, I can die peacefully! When do I die? Interviewer: Well, you will sell a lot more paintings after you die. The date of your death is recorded as... Hey! Wait a minute! I ask the questions in this interview! So, about the ear! Why did you cut it off? VG: You just mentioned that I will sell many paintings after I die. That means I’ve achieved my goal! I’ve always been depressed throughout my life. But, now, finally, I can be happy and at peace with myself. Do you know, I actually went to an asylum after I cut off my ear...? Interviewer: Yes, about your ear, what was the reason? VG: Well, firstly, as I was saying, in that Asylum, in my worst moment I created my favourite painting. I called Starry Bright! Interviewer: Starry Bright? I thought it was called Starry Night, wasn’t it? VG: Starry Night! Thank you. That is a much better name for my painting. Anyway, I was in the Asylum and I just thought to myself that I’m a failure; I had never sold a painting in my life. But to know that my paintings will sell is great! Interviewer: I shouldn’t have told you that information. Anyway, can you answer my question about your ear, please? VG: Yes, Do you know that I painted 900 paintings in 10 years. Sometimes, they were so spontaneous. I would like to know how many of my paintings were sold, all of them. Interviewer: Well, unfortunately, a lot of your paintings were lost, as the people you gave them to thought they were worthless. VG: Really? I feel bad again. Interviewer: Please, don’t. You are considered as one of the most famous painters in history, some of your paintings are displayed in wonderful galleries around the world. But, just let me ask you at least one question before I go. Why did you cut off your ear? VG: Actually, I only cut part of my ear off, just the lobe. Interviewer: and why was that? VG: I’m afraid you have asked more than 5 questions. It is time to finish this interview and time for you to go. Interviewer: Wait! Did you answer any of my questions? VG: That is another question. I’ll tell you what. I’ll write the answer on a note and I’ll leave it hidden on the back of that painting called Starry Night. All you have to do in the future is find the painting and open up the back of the frame to find the answer. Interviewer: Really? But, it’s in an art gallery. One of the most famous paintings in history, visited by millions of visitors! There is no way I can take the back off the painting to look for a hidden note. VG: One of the most famous paintings in history! Wow! Thanks for that extra piece of information. I feel so happy, so full of energy, so alive... Interviewer: Really? VG: Yes! Wow, it’s an amazing feeling! Well, now it’s gone. I feel tired and sick again. Interview: Sorry. Anyway, please just answer the question... VG: Ok, I cut of my earlobe because I’m very bad at shaving! Have you noticed that in all my paintings I have a beard? Now go away Interviewer: Well, thanks for answering my question and goodbye! VG: Goodbye! Now Go! Interviewer: It is time for me to return to the future in my time-machine. Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes A new weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. Transcript: A woman’s trip to a spa ended in embarrassment when she found herself naked in the street. She had arranged to meet her boyfriend in the sauna. The sauna rules states that everyone has to be naked. Unfortunately, when she arrived, she went through the wrong door! She accidentally went through the fire escape door. She only had a tiny towel. She couldn’t get back in! She banged the door and yelled. No one answered. Eventually, she had to go onto the street. She walked around the building to the front door. She entered through the reception. The reception was full of people. At first, the receptionist asked her for her ID, but eventually let her in. She found her boyfriend in the cafe. However, he was grumpy because he had been waiting an hour. Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes Learn English with Celebrity InterviewsOur interview travels through time interviewing famous historical people. Unfortunately, his time-machine only allows him to ask 5 questions.Today, he travels to the 1970's to meet John Lennon. In a moment when John Lennon is experiencing writers-blockHow to use See the website (www.chucklenglish.com) on how to learn with the podcast.Support us Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglishTranscript Interviewer: Welcome to Quick History Interviews; the show where we travel in time and ask 5 questions to someone famous Today, we’ve travel to the 1970’s. To meet the best part of the separated Beatles, Mr. John Lennon, who is currently experiencing writers block as he tries to write his next song. Hi Mr Lennon, nice to meet you. LENNON: Hi, Call me John. Interviewer: So, John, Lennon. What motivates you? LENNON: Well, that’s easy, peace. Interviewer: Peace, motivates you? That is really great. Some people would say peace is an impossible fantasy, what do you have to say to them? LENNON: Well, you may say I’m a dreamer. But, to be honest, I’m not the only one. Wait! You may say I’m a dreamer, But I’m not the only one! Let me write that down, it sounds like part of a song! I’m a peace loving genius! Interviewer: Right, so what is the way to peace? LENNON: Well, ever since I’ve left the Beatles, I’ve been looking into it. Studying peace, listening to the world, trying to experience and feel real peace. I want you to do one thing for me; conceptualize if there were no countries, it isn’t hard to do, to be honest. There would be nothing to kill for or die for. Interviewer: Very poetic! LENNON: Really? Maybe I should write it down. Conceptualize if there were not countries, it isn’t hard to do... Wait, that sounds like another part of a song. Except, I don’t think conceptualize is the right word for this song, If only I could find another word instead of conceptualize! Damn! Anyway, next question. Interviewer: So you are saying that countries are the reason for war, aren’t you? LENNON: Well, not just countries, also religion too, People have created many wars in the name of religion. We just need to understand and listen more to each other. Just fantasize about all the people living life in peace. Damn! I’m good today. That sounds like another part of my new song; just fantasize all the people living life in peace. But, again I can’t find the right word! Neither fantasize nor conceptualize are the word that I’m looking for. If only I could find an alternative word... Interviewer: Well, you just need to imagine another word. LENNON: What did you just say? Interviewer: Another word? LENNON: Before that? Interviewer: imagine another... LENNON: Eureka! That is the word! Imagine! Interviewer: Imagine what? LENNON: Imagine is the word I’m missing from my song. Also, you have just asked your fifth question! I thought you were just another ignorant reporter, but you’ve got some good ideas. Listen, in the future, when I’m older, if you need some creative advice, just give me a call. Interviewer: Erm... well...Ok, thanks! That is my time up! It’s time to return to the time-machine and to the 21st century. Goodbye. LENNON: Wow, even in the future everyone is always in a rush! Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes Support Chuckle English on Patreon and get extra benefits and help to improve your EnglishClick here now, to see the benefits of subscribing to Chuckle English Patreon:Chuckle English on PatreonSupport Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes A new weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. Transcript: I often go to the park after work. I like to find a nice quiet bench and sit down! I often wonder what it would be like to be a duck. It became an obsession of mine. I wanted to experience a duck’s life. One day, I decided to act upon my dream. I bought a duck costume and went to the park. I then got into the water and started to swim like a duck. However, it wasn’t that great. I stopped after 3 days. I didn’t mind the cold temperatures, I didn’t mind the dirty water, but I can’t stand bread with no butter on it! Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes Learn English with Two Old Men. The Two Old Men are back! This is a two-part episode. An episode of mystery and a very long story by Geoffrey! Support us Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglishHow to useSee the website (www.chucklenglish.com) on how to learn with the podcast.Transcript Alfred: Welcome to the second and final part of our story about false teeth. Do you want to remind the audience what happened last time Geoffrey? Geoffrey: Last time? Alfred: Yes, in last week’s episode. Geoffrey: What do you mean last week’s episode? We just recorded that last episode 5 minutes ago! Alfred: Oh no! Geoffrey, for the listeners, a week has passed since the last episode. Yes, we are recording both episodes at once. But, they don’t know that. Geoffrey: They do now! You just told them! Alfred: Please, just tell them what happened. Geoffrey: Ok. I was on a bus with Doris. She took out her teeth to try and kiss me. However, we couldn’t find her teeth. So, everyone on the bus started looking for them. We didn’t find them. We only found a false leg! Alfred: Thanks Geoffrey. So, this is part 2. You found the false leg and what happened next? Geoffrey: I stood up and as I was taking the false leg to the front of the bus, I felt a hand on my backside. Alfred: A hand on your backside? Geoffrey: Yes! That’s what I said! I thought it was Doris, trying to get her hands on me again. So, I told her “Not now! Please don’t touch my backside!” It’s a danger zone down there at my age. Alfred: Did she stop? Geoffrey: No. She then touched my backside again. I was starting to get a little frustrated! I said “I’m sorry, but I’m a married man, now please stop touching my bum, Doris!” Alfred: Was it Doris who was touching your bum? Geoffrey: Yes, I looked back and it was Doris. Bent over looking and touching my bum. Quite aggressively too! Alfred: Oh! Geoffrey: So, I started to wave the false-leg in her direction. Alfred: Why? Geoffrey: To try and scare her off of course! Alfred: Did it work? Geoffrey: Yes! She moved back a little of afraid of my aggressive waving, then she went to the back of the bus. I stayed at the front, away from that sex mad woman! We eventually all stopped looking and the bus arrived at my stop. I gave the false-leg to the bus-driver. Alfred: So you never did find the false-teeth, did you? Geoffrey: Wait for it! Alfred: Ok, go ahead. Geoffrey: As I got off the bus. I noticed a man in the distance. He was coming towards the bus. He looked quite animated and he was hopping. Alfred: He was hopping, on one leg? Geoffrey: Yes! Yes! Alfred: Ok, of course! He must have been the man that... Geoffrey: He looked quite angry, so I said to the bus driver you should go quickly, there’s a strange man coming towards the bus. Alfred: Geoffrey? Geoffrey: So, the bus drove off before the man arrived. Alfred: Geoffrey? Geoffrey: Yes? What is it Alfred? Alfred: You don’t think that was the man who was missing the false-leg, do you? Geoffrey: Oh! I didn’t think of that. He could have at least walked a little calmer! Alfred: Dear me! Geoffrey: As I was saying. I was all a little tired by the situation! So, I decided to go the park. However, when I sat down, I felt something on my bottom! Alfred: Was it Doris? Geoffrey: No! She stayed on the bus! Alfred: What was it then? Geoffrey: It was Doris’s false teeth! They were stuck to my trousers by a melted chocolate bar! Alfred: So, Doris was only trying to get her teeth and wasn’t trying to touch your backside then. Geoffrey: Yes, now I know that! Alfred: Poor Doris. Geoffrey: Poor Geoffrey! Another pair of trouser ruined! Alfred: Did you give Doris her teeth back? Geoffrey: No, not yet. I’ve been using them to hide my sweets from my wife! Alfred: Geoffrey! Give them back! Geoffrey: Well, where can I hide my sweets? Alfred: You should really talk to your wife! Geoffrey: But, sometimes I can’t understand a word she is saying! Alfred: That because you’re half-deaf! Geoffrey: Yes, yes, yes! What? Alfred: I’ll tell you what you can leave your sweets here, that is until you speak to your wife. Geoffrey: You won’t eat them will you? Alfred: Of course not! I’m more of a biscuit-man myself! Geoffrey: You are a great friend! Alfred: Thanks. Now, go and give Doris her teeth back. Then, go home and speak to your wife! Geoffrey: Alright. I’m going! Alfred: Bye Geoffrey. Geoffrey: Bye! Alfred: Well, Geoffrey has gone, so that is another podcast finished. Thanks for listening. Now, where did he put those sweets? Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes A new weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. Transcript: I love football! I go and watch my local team every week. I love shouting at the players! I shout good things when we are winning. I shout bad things when we are losing. I usually shout bad things! I used to shout at the referee in the past. However, one day, that changed. I was shouting at the referee. I told him that his glasses were too small. He suddenly stopped. He then came over angrily. He said he had an eye condition. He then told me to be the referee and he walked off. I accepted the challenge and refereed the match. It was a disaster! That was the last time I shouted at a referee.Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes Learn English with Two Old Men. The Two Old Men are back! This is a two-part episode. An episode of mystery and a very long story by Geoffrey! Support us Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglishHow to use See the website (www.chucklenglish.com) on how to learn with the podcast.Transcript Alfred: Welcome to Two Old Men in a Shed. I’m still waiting for Geoffrey. He’s late again. At least, I haven’t got one of his strange friends knocking on the door this time. Alfred: Oh dear, I hope it’s not Doris again! Come in! Geoffrey: Yes, Yes, Hello Alfred! It’s me Geoffrey. Alfred: Thank god for that. Geoffrey: Thank god for what? Alfred: That it’s you! Geoffrey: Yes. Of course it’s me! Who else would it be? Alfred: Well, do you remember last week? You arrived quite late. Also, your friend was here and I had to listen to her. Geoffrey: My friend was here? What friend are you talking about? Alfred: Oh dear! Doris, she was here with me alone and we recorded a podcast while we were waiting for you. Geoffrey: Doris was here? Yes, yes. I seem to recall finding her here. You need to be careful with Doris. She might be 85, but she is like a Burmese tiger! Alfred: Like a Burmese tiger? Whatever do you mean? Geoffrey: She’s a naughty girl. Leave her alone with someone and she’ll soon be jumping on top of them! Alfred: Thank god that didn’t happen! Geoffrey: Yes, yes. She didn’t try to kiss you? She’s done it to all the old men at the retirement home! How strange! She must only like older men! Alfred: Older men? Geoffrey: Yes, that must be it. I remember on the way home, on the bus, she literally jumped on top of me. She stuck her tongue down my throat. Alfred: Please! No more details! Geoffrey: Of course, she had to remove her false teeth first; she usually puts them in her pocket where she keeps her sweets and tissues. Alfred: I’m going to vomit. Please, don’t tell me anything else happened! Geoffrey: Remember, I’m a married man. Of course I didn’t do anything else. Alfred: You saying that you are a married man is a sentence that I will never get used to. Geoffrey: Thank you! Anyway, when I managed to get her off me, she couldn’t find her false teeth! Alfred: I imagine they were probably in your pockets! You’ve got allsorts in there. Geoffrey: Yes, yes. Well everything except biscuits these days! My wife still hides them! Alfred: I hope you wife didn’t find the false teeth. That would be hell of an explanation, to explain why you have another woman’s false teeth in there. Geoffrey: They weren’t in my pocket! Alfred: Ah! Did you find them? Geoffrey: Well, we started looking everywhere. In my pockets, in her handbag, she even started to look down my trousers for a long time, but we couldn’t find them! Alfred: Is that the story? Geoffrey: No! Let me finish! Alfred: I thought you had stopped! Geoffrey: I was trying to pause to give dramatic effect. Alfred: Wow! I’m not used to it. Usually, you just talk and talk and never stop! You’re really starting to get into this podcast aren’t you? Geoffrey: This pod...what? Alfred: Oh dear! Anyway, where did you find the false teeth? Geoffrey: Well, that is the funny thing. Alfred: I expect that it is. Geoffrey: We had all of the passengers looking for the teeth. Even the bus driver was on his knees looking around. Alfred: Did you find them? Geoffrey: Do you know what? Alfred: Can you just finish the story. Geoffrey: Yes, yes. The story, of course I’ll finish it. But do you know what? Alfred: Dear me! What Geoffrey? Geoffrey: I thought that before I met my wife... Alfred: Is that the wife that we haven’t mentioned in a long time? Geoffrey: Yes, yes, her! Alfred: Ok, Go on... Geoffrey: Before I met my wife, I thought I was a very clean gentleman! Alfred: I don’t know what to laugh about more there, the fact you still have a wife, that you thought you were clean or that you consider yourself to be a gentleman! Geoffrey: There’s no need to be rude. Alfred: I’m sorry Alfred. Geoffrey: Good! Well, when my wife showed me that I had a cupboard under the sink, I couldn’t believe it! The cupboard was full of old cleaning products! It was astonishing! Alfred: Why? Geoffrey: Well, I’ve never bought cleaning products in my life! How did they get there under my sink? Alfred: You probably bought them by accident. Geoffrey: By accident?! Me? Well, probably! Although to be honest, whenever I’ve needed to give something a quick clean, I’ve always used a bit of whisky, water and my toothbrush. Alfred: Your toothbrush and whisky? That does explain a lot. Geoffrey: Yes, yes... like what? Alfred: Well, your house always smells like whiskey even the garden. Also, I would describe the colour of your teeth as a mixture of whisky and dirt. Geoffrey: But the important thing is that they are my own teeth! Well all except the front one...or two...or three. But most are my own teeth! Alfred: Ok. I have no idea where we are in this story. Geoffrey: Yes! Well, after my wife cleaned my kitchen, I couldn’t believe the difference! I thought my kitchen walls were brown! I thought it was a style to match the wooden cupboards. After my wife... Alfred: whose name is...? Geoffrey: I said her name on the other podcast. After my wife cleaned them I nearly had to wear those dark glasses in the morning to protect them against the shiny white walls. Alfred: Dark glasses? You mean sunglasses, don’t you? Geoffrey: Yes, those. Alfred: By the way, how is your wife? Did you ever find out whether she was cheating or not? Geoffrey: My wife, I don’t really want to speak about her right now. Alfred: I’m sorry Geoffrey. Anyway, back to the story. Geoffrey: Yes! The story! Yes, yes, yes! What story? Alfred: Wow. At least he is not Doris! The story about the false teeth on the bus. Geoffrey: Yes. Well if you stop distracting me, I’ll finish the story. Alfred: Distracting you? Geoffrey: Yes, you are always interrupting! Alfred: Me? Interrupting? Geoffrey: Yes! Right, we were all on the floor of the bus looking for the false teeth. What I wanted to say is that I couldn’t believe how dirty it was down there! We found everything; so much chewing gum, hair clips and even a false leg! Alfred: A false leg? Geoffrey: Yes! Now who would leave a false leg on a bus? Wouldn’t they realise that they got on the bus with two legs and left with only one? It’s not the type of thing you can miss easily! Alfred: You’d be surprised! All it takes is a couple of glasses of wine, and the next moment you’ve got a false leg missing! Geoffrey: Don’t be silly. To be continued....Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes A new weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension. How to use: Don't look at the transcript (text) below. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before. Transcript: I’ll always remember my wedding day, mostly for the wrong reasons! I bought my wedding dress months in advance. Unfortunately, I couldn’t go for the final dress fitting because I was ill. I had also discovered a new bakery that year. On my wedding day, when I went to put on the dress, I couldn’t zip it up at the back. I asked my mother to help. She couldn’t do it. Eventually, there were 5 of us, including my dad trying to close it. We managed to close it. However, during the wedding, I was walking down the aisle when I felt something, a lot of cold air on my back. My wedding dress had burst open at the back. Everybody could see my bottom – my friends, my family, everyone! That is, everyone except my new husband! Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes Learn English with Celebrity InterviewsOur interview travels through time interviewing famous historical people. Unfortunately, his time-machine only allows him to ask 5 questions.Today, he travels to the 1950's to interview the blonde bombshell herself, Marilyn Monroe.How to use See the website (www.chucklenglish.com) on how to learn with the podcast.Transcript - Interviewer: Welcome to Quick History Interviews. The show where we travel in time and ask 5 questions to someone famous. - Today, we’ve travelled to the USA. To meet the blonde bombshell of the 1950’s, Marilyn Monroe. - Interviewer: Mrs Monroe, nice to meet you. - MM: Call me Miss. Nice to meet you! - Interviewer: Ok, let’s get to the questions. Your real name was Norma. Why did you change it to Marilyn? - MM: Well, to be honest, I think that to get somewhere in Hollywood as a woman, you need a name. I thought that Norma was a bit too normal, if you get what I mean! - Interviewer: To many, you are seen as the definite sex symbol. What is your opinion on this? - MM: Well, it is easy to give labels to people. I did not create nor do I call myself a sex symbol. That was given to me by a male orientated world. Can’t a girl look glamorous and also be talented. I have talents, I can act, I can sing and also I can balance an egg on my nose. - Interviewer: Really? - MM: yes, for one minute. By the way, that is question 3! - Interviewer: Damn! Can you balance anything else on your nose? - MM: No, that would be ridiculous. I’m a dedicated woman and it took me years of practice to be able to balance an egg on my nose. By the way, that was your fourth question! Are you getting a bit hot under the collar talking to an international sex symbol? - Interviewer: No, you are a very beautiful woman, but, I’m fine. I’m ready to ask you the next question about your melons... - MM: My melons? - Interview: I mean your coconuts... No! I mean about your life! - MM: Well, go ahead...Mr. Interviewer. - Interviewer: You often refer to Marilyn Monroe in the third-person. Why is this? Do you have schizophrenia? - MM: Well, I’ve never told anyone this publically. But, Marilyn for me is a character. Like that mouse, what is his name? - Interviewer: Mickey Mouse? - MM: Yes! Mickey Mouse is just a character, but when he gets home, he’s probably a different person, maybe he’s really sweet, and maybe he’s a bad person. But Mickey Mouse is only his character. - Interviewer: But Mickey Mouse is fictional... - MM: Exactly! - Interviewer: Right! What? So you are comparing yourself to a fictional cartoon, aren’t you? - MM: Well, I see Marilyn as an image, maybe she doesn’t live in a cartoon world, maybe she doesn’t have a girlfriend called Minnie or wear giant big white gloves, but she is a character for the cameras. I can switch her on and off like that. - Interviewer: Like what? - MM: Like that! - Interviewer: Sorry, like what? - MM: Like...that! - Interviewer: But, you do know that Mickey Mouse doesn’t exist in the real world, that he... or it is a fictional drawn cartoon character, don’t you? - MM: I’m afraid you’re all out of questions Mr President. I mean Mr Interviewer. - Interviewer: Well, Marilyn Monroe it has been nice to look at you. I mean to talk to you. - MM: Thank you. I have one question for you. You are from the future, right? - Interviewer: Yes, that is true. - MM: So you know about the future of Marilyn Monroe. I mean my future, right? - Interviewer: Yes... - MM: Well, in the future will I have a long life and marry President Kennedy? - Interviewer: Sorry, my time is up. I have to go before the time-machine leaves without me. - MM: Just say yes or no! - Interviewer: I really have to go. - MM: Working with Mickey Mouse was never this difficult! - Interviewer: Bye!Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes A new weekly dictation to help learners of the English language to improve their listening comprehension.How to use: 1. Don't look at the transcript (text) below. 2. Listen to the podcast (the dictation is repeated twice) and try to write everything you hear down. 3. Check your text with the text of the dictation. If any word is different, it is probably a listening comprehension mistake. Try to listen again to the word and repeat the pronunciation a few times. If you don't understand the word when you read it; it is probably new vocabulary. 4. Listen to the dictation again. You should understand some of the words that you didn't understand before.Transcript: Have you ever hated a song? I hate one song, but not because it’s bad. I used to travel to work by bus every morning. It was a slow bus with a lot of stops. The bus driver liked to listen to the radio. It was a typical station for pop music. It had all the latest hits. However, I remember that for one month, they played the same song every day! Now, I can’t stand that song at all! If I hear it, I have to cover my ears. It’s a good song though! - Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes Learn English with Crazy StoriesWARNING: The topics covered in this story may be of an adult nature. However, this story is just for fun.She always felt disappointed in sex. But, then one day, it all changed. However, she didn't know why it changed until she went to see her doctor.Transcript When people look at me they think that I must be a very strong and outgoing girl because I’m very tall. But, in reality I’ve always been quite shy. I came from a very conservative family, so I didn’t have my first sexual experience until I was 21. It was terrible. I felt like a councillor or a physiologist, because he just lay there. It was also like as if he thought my breasts were stress balls. He also kept asking me if he was doing it right every five minutes. I had to keep telling him he was doing well and should continue. Basically, I didn’t enjoy sex. I spent my twenties going from one disappointing sexual experience to another. Do guys realize that I have a pulse or not? Do they realize that my nipples don’t turn on the radio? Do they not realize that I’m like a car on a frosty morning and that they need to warm me up a little bit before the journey? Through my twenties, I went from one disappointment to another. No guy could satisfy me in bed. When I turned 30, I met my current partner Mark. He’s a really nice guy; he cooks, listens, but is terrible in bed. I’ve never told him. Can I change his name to Brian, just in case he listens to this podcast? The good thing with Mark is that he listens. He’s a good student. I’ve taught him about foreplay, I’ve taught him that women’s breasts are not basketballs and I’ve taught him to be patient. The sex is much better with Brian, I mean Mark... no, Brian, but I just can’t reach that final level of pleasure. Maybe it was my body? One day, I was having a little house party with some of my girlfriends and one of them told me about a new sex toy that she had bought. All the girls were laughing. I giggled every time she said the word “vibrator”. With the drinks, we eventually convinced her to go and get it. Guys, this is not that type of story ok! She came down with it and explained a little about how it works. I’d never seen a sex toy up close and personal before. I was surprised that it looked quite eloquent! They said I should get one, that I’m not a sweet 16 year old girl anymore. I was very embarrassed. Eventually, we decided to have an Ann Summers Party the following month. To be honest, I thought they had forgotten about the idea, but as the following month approached I received a message inviting me to go. For those of you who don’t know, an Ann Summers party is where a rep (representative) from Ann Summers comes to your house, you look at their toys and play a few games. I reluctantly agreed. The day of the party arrived. It was summer so I was wearing a nice flowery dress. We drank a little wine and were all giggling to ourselves as we were waiting for the Ann Summers sales rep. She was a very formal and smart woman, but had a great sense of humour! However, when she started to get the toys out, that set me off and I couldn’t stop laughing. Unfortunately, Samantha, one of my friends was a little drunk and fell into the table. The sex toys went everywhere, all over the floor. We apologized and picked them all up – well, that is what we thought. We sent Samantha upstairs to lie down. It was at that moment that the sales rep brought out an XL sized product. It was so big! She asked me to hold it. It made me laugh so much out of embarrassment that I fell over. I landed on something and it hurt! I felt a hard bump to my groin; I thought it was because I had landed on the chair leg. I thought maybe I had bruised something down there. I decided to go home and rest to see if it would get better. Luckily, I felt better the next day. So, I decided to not go to the doctor’s. A week later, Mark was horny. He wanted to have sex with me. As usual, I agreed. He started to touch me in the way I had taught him. However, I was expecting another disappointment in the eternal struggle to have an orgasm. But this time was different. It was amazing! I didn’t know what Brian did, but somehow he had given me my first orgasm in my life, at 32. I say the first...In reality, he gave me the 1st, 2nd and he made coffee after. Finally! Over the next ten years I had incredible sex. I think I was more active than Mark, I mean Brian! However, all good things come to an end. We had been trying for a baby for 5 years. I was in the final years of a woman’s baby-making window, so I decided to see a doctor. They checked my blood, nothing! They looked at my history, nothing. Eventually, they decided to take scans of my insides. I will never forget the pure embarrassment, when the doctor put the x-ray on the wall. There was a picture of my body and in the middle was what looked like a small penis. I asked the doctor if it was natural. He said that it definitely wasn’t! He said it looked like a sex toy. Then it all came flooding back to me. The last time that I used a sex toy was at that party! The pain I felt was me falling on top of the sex toy! It has been inside me for 10 years! The doctor removed it and luckily it hadn’t caused any damage. We had our first baby last year. However, since the sex toy was removed, I’ve noticed that sex hasn’t been pleasurable. I’ve never told Brian this. So, now I keep and hide that same sex toy next to the bed. But that is our secret, right?Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-englishCheck out our podcasting host, Pinecast. Start your own podcast for free, no credit card required, forever. If you decide to upgrade, use coupon code r-4a4150 for 40% off for 4 months, and support Chuckle English.

Episode Notes Learn English with Two Old Men. Level: Advanced - A new character with a new accent. Don't worry, the more you listen to accents the more you get used to them. :-)Another day in the shed. But where is Geoffrey? A strange and very confused woman enters the shed while Alfred is waiting for Geoffrey to arrive. She seems to be obsessed about promoting her turkey sandwiches at the market fair.Support us Support us on Patreon to help us create more funny and interesting material:https://www.patreon.com/chuckleEnglishHow to use See the website (www.chucklenglish.com) on how to learn with the podcast.Transcript* Alfred: Welcome to another episode of Two Old Men in a Shed. Well, I’m here alone. Geoffrey is nowhere to be seen. I might as well tell you a little bit more about myself. I’m a bit of a collector. I collect teaspoons. I’ve got over 100 of them. Each one is different. You see tea spoons... Doris: Hello! Alfred: err...Hello? Doris: It’s Doris. Is this the radio station? It’s Doris. Alfred: Well, actually it’s my hobby podcast. Doris: I’m looking for the radio station. It’s Doris. Alfred: Well, I suppose you could call this a radio station of sorts. Doris: Yes, I was told this was the radio station. It’s Doris. Alfred: Ok, your name is Doris. Why are you looking for the radio station? Doris: I want to tell the world about the market fair. Alfred: What market fair? Doris: That’s why I’m here; to tell the world about it, to give them information. I’ve baked some cakes and made some turkey sandwiches for it. It’s Doris! Alfred: Ok, Doris. But, surely you are looking for the local radio station, right? Doris: I’m looking for the radio station owned by the old man who’s escaping his wife. Is this the radio station? Alfred: Well, I am an old man, and I do have a wife. Doris: Yes, I was told to ask for Andrew. Alfred: I’m Alfred, Doris: Yes! That’s it! Andrew! Alfred: Alfred Doris: Alright, Andrew. Is that you? Alfred: It’s Alfred. Doris: OK Andrew, I’m in the right place to talk about me turkey sandwiches. Alfred: I’m not sure this is the best place. Doris: The local radio? Alfred: No, it’s not the local radio. It’s just my podcast. Bloody hell! Doris: Ok, Where do I sit? Alfred: If you have to. Just over there. This is a shed so I don’t really have chairs, just plant pots. Doris: Look at the state of this. It’s a right state! Needs a clean! I’ll get my stocking dirty sitting on there. Alfred: Ok, try the lawnmower. Doris: As long as you don’t turn it on! I’ll be fine. I haven’t sat on a machine in donkey’s years! Alfred: I might put you under it if you carry on. Doris: What was that? Alfred: I said that I’ll help you sit on it. Doris: That’ll be lovely. Alfred: Anyway... Doris: It’s Doris. Alfred: I know. Anyway Doris, you do know that we only have one listener. I think it’s probably my wife. She’s probably listening just to see what I’m up to. Probably to make sure that I’m not up to no good or that I’m not talking to the waitresses at the pub. Doris: Well, you look like a lovely boy. Alfred: Nobody has called me a boy for a long time. Ok, you can stay. Doris: All right love. Now, where do I speak into the radio? Alfred: Can you see the black thing in front of you? Doris: Yes, love. I’m not blind yet! Alfred: Well, that is a microphone. Doris: Is it? That’s lovely. A bit small, but lovely! Alfred: Ok, Doris. Doris: When do we begin? I’ve got to be back at the old ladies club later, before 5pm. That’s when my daughter comes and picks me up. She doesn’t like me going for walks. Anyway, when do we begin the radio interview? Alfred: Well, it’s already recording. Doris: Really? You need like a red light or something to show that we’re live. Alfred: This isn’t live Doris. We record it and then people can listen to it when they want. Doris: That’s amazing! I think I need a new radio. Alfred: Why’s that? Doris: My radio has only got one knob! I can’t record on it. Alfred: Well, actually, this won’t be heard on the radio. Doris: ¨What do you mean it won’t be heard on the radio? Alfred: Déjà-vu. It’s a podcast. It’ll be on the internet and people can listen and download it. Doris: The internet? I don’t know anything about that. Technology! It’s marvellous! Alfred: Yes, it is. Doris: How will my cooking club listen to it? I’ve told them to find me on the radio. Alfred: Well, they’ll be looking in vain now. Sorry, about that. Do you want to phone them? Doris: Phone them? I don’t have one of those fancy mobile telephones. As I said before, I can’t use technology! Alfred: Use mine. Here you are. Doris: Sorry, I can’t! Those things are too small for me. Alfred: Fine! Doris: Anyway, you talk too much! Alfred: Me? Doris: Yes, look at all this time we’ve lost. I’ve got be... Alfred: Back at the ladies club by 5pm. Doris: Ok, don’t be cheeky with me! You TV and radio celebrities are all the same. Anyway, can we begin? Alfred: I’ve already told you we have! Good lord! Doris: You should have told me. I wanted to put my lipstick on first! Alfred: Why do you need lipstick for a podcast? Doris: It’s important to dress-up for these things. Look at you? Are those your slippers? You’re going to get mud in your house. What will your wife say? Alfred: These are my outside slippers. I’ve got another pair for the house. Anyway, are you ready? Doris: Yes. I’m ready! Are we recording? Alfred: Yes. Ok. So, Doris... Go! Doris: Have we finished? I haven’t even said anything about the fair yet! Alfred: No, I mean go ahead. Doris: Ah! Alright! Now? Alfred: Yes, please! Doris: Hello, everybody! It’s Doris! Alfred: Hi Doris. By the way, you don’t need to shout. Doris: I want them to hear me. Alfred: That’s why we have microphones. Doris: Ok. Well, as I said. It’s Doris. Come to the local market fair on Sunday. Alfred: Is that it? Doris: Is that what? Alfred: All that you wanted to say? Doris: Yes. That’s all love. Alfred: At least let me ask you some questions. Doris: Alright love, as you’ve been so patient with me. Alfred: So, Doris. Where is the fair? Doris: It’s in the fields behind the train station. Alfred: Right? Doris: It’s a lovely big field. The old people can come by train. Alfred: That’s thoughtful. Doris: But we do have to spend an hour picking up dog poo beforehand. Alfred: Lovely! Doris: Not really! Last year, I forgot my gloves. I had to use an old plastic bag. I didn’t realize that it had holes in it until I was having a cup of tea and a biscuit. I thought it was funny, that I had already got chocolate on my hands even before I had touched the biscuits. Alfred: ...and I thought Geoffrey was bad. Doris: I had to use the rest of the tea in my thermo flask to wash my hands. I was grumpy all afternoon. Alfred: Was that because of the poo? Doris: No, because I had no tea. Weren’t you listening? Alfred: I’m listening. Anyway, changing the story from dog poo back to this year’s market fair; tell us more about it. Doris: More about it? Ok. Well, if you’re coming back car. Don’t park in the train station, they charge you a bomb! One pound an hour just to park your car. Alfred: It doesn’t seem too bad. Doris: What you should do, is park your car on the far side of the field. That is unless it’s raining. If it’s raining it gets quite boggy down there. You see, the field is on a slope. All the water runs down to the far side. You don’t want to get stuck down there. Alfred: Wow! This is so interesting. Doris: I haven’t finished yet. Are we still recording? Alfred: Yes... Doris: Ok. If it’s raining park your car in the supermarket car park. You can stay there an hour or two. It’s a bit of a walk though. Alfred: Good information. Anyway, Doris, what can people do at the fair? Doris: Well, there are games for old and young. There are also a lot of homemade products to buy. I’m making turkey sandwiches. If you want the best turkey sandwiches ask for Doris. They all know me. Do you like turkey sandwiches? Alfred: I can’t say they are my favourite. But, yes, I guess I do. Doris: Well come down to the fair on Sunday. Alfred: Well, thank you Doris! It has been very...interesting to meet you. Doris: Are we done? Alfred: Yes. Doris: One more thing. Alfred: Yes? Doris: Can I get an autograph for my granddaughter? She loves all the celebrities! Alfred: Well, I’m not really a celebrity. I don’t think she’d want my autograph. She wouldn’t even know who I am. Doris: Oh dear! You radio celebrities are all the same! You think you’re better than the rest. All I wanted was an autograph. Alfred: Ok, I’ll give you an autograph. Doris: That’s lovely. Alfred: Here you are. Doris: Lovely! Can you make it two? Alfred: Two autographs? Doris: Yes, maybe I can use one as prize in the market fair raffle. Alfred: Well, I guess a bit of free publicity won’t be bad. Even though, nobody will have an idea of who I am. Doris: OK. Alfred: Here’s another autograph. Doris: I’m going now. Alfred: Right, thanks! How did you find us, by the way? Doris: I made a new friend at the ladies club. Alfred: Was it Margaret. Doris: No, it wasn’t a lady. It was an old guy who came by accident. I can’t remember his name. When he first came, he thought it was another type of ladies’ club. He asked us when we’d start taking off our clothes and dancing. Alfred: That sounds very much like Geoffrey: Doris: He was very confused and doesn’t know where he is half of the time. Alfred: That must be Geoffrey! Doris: But we’ve accepted him. (KNOCK) Alfred: Come in. Geoffrey: Yes, yes, yes. Hello! Doris: Speak of the devil. That’s him. Alfred: Geoffrey. Doris: Yes, that’s his name. George. Alfred: Geoffrey. Doris: Yes, George. Geoffrey: Yes, George. Doris: You see. I remember a face. Geoffrey: Yes, yes, no! It’s Geoffrey. Doris: Ok, Geoffrey. Are you coming to the ladies club? You can meet my daughter. Geoffrey: Yes, but, I’m here for Alfred’s radio show. We were going to talk about something. I can’t remember what is though. Alfred: Don’t worry. We’ve already done it. Doris: Did you record it? Alfred: Yes. Geoffrey: He’s always recording, this Alfred. Doris: He’s a bit of a cheeky bugger! Geoffrey: Yes, yes. He isn’t he. Doris: I have to go now. Geoffrey: Yes, yes. I’ll come with you. Where are we going? Doris: To the ladies’ club. Do you like turkey sandwiches? Geoffrey: Yes, yes. I do Doris: Ok, let’s go. Alfred: Well. Geoffrey and his friend have left. I hope it’s just his friend. I hope he doesn’t invite her back. Wow, I need a cup of tea after that. Thanks everybody. If you like turkey sandwiches, you know where to go. Goodbye... Oh! Why do I do this to myself? - Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-english

Episode Notes Learn English with Crazy StoriesWhen Gary was a child, his parents couldn't afford a car. So they used to imagine driving a car down the street. Gary was in love with that car. If only it was real......Now an adult, Gary finally finds the car of his dreams.*May contain adult content.Transcript I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have any cars. We used to have to walk everywhere. I would walk to school, to the supermarket, everywhere. As a family we used to walk as if we were in a car. My parents walking together in front and my sister and I walking directly behind them. We would pretend to go to the garage to put petrol in our ‘car’; my father would hold the petrol pump nozzle and my mother would make the pump noises. Of course, my father wasn’t holding a real nozzle; he was holding a carrot, which we shared afterwards. Our imaginary car wasn’t a Ferrari or Mercedes or anything fancy. It was a regular family size car. I always imagined it to be green. I remember our best Christmas ever, we managed to save some money to buy a car air freshener. The small was called Spring Day Mint. When we walked down the street pretending to be a car, my mother would hold the air freshener. I enjoyed the smell, although it did smell the same as the bathroom after it had been cleaned with cleaning product. So that is where I came from. I was always jealous of other people’s cars. I wished that one day I could by my own car. 15 years later I managed to finish high school and get a decent job. In fact, it is my dream job. I wash cars all day. I get to touch those amazing bodies every day. I have two sponges, but sometimes, I also use my body as a sponge. I wet my clothes and then rub myself along the car to clean it and experience a deep connection with the beast. I have been fired 5 times by other garages. But, finally, I have a boss who understands. Well, I actually think he doesn’t care as long as we make money. It was one spring day, when everything changed. I was waiting for my next customer to bring their car when there I saw it. A typical family sized car and it was green. They also wanted it to be washed. This was it! That imaginary car from my childhood was real! It was mine for 20 minutes. All mine! I started to wash it and all the memories came back to me. Nobody was watching, so I decided to open the door. Then a smell hit me. It smelled of that same Spring Day Mint smell. I knew then that the car wanted me! I started to breathe heavily. I started to lick all the seats in the car. I licked all the seats, except for one suspicious dirty mark in the back seat. I was horny. Over the next 15 minutes I slowly explored the car and had sex with it. The gearstick was as good and pleasurable as I imagined, although I did accidently put the car into reverse a few times. I then got out of the car and was ready to play with the exhaust when the owner came back. He was a little suspicious why the door was open. I said that I had given the inside of the car a free clean. He was very happy and even praised me for giving the seats a nice shine. As the car drove off I noticed smoke coming from the exhaust. I thought to myself “typical! Smoking after sex”. But it was great sex! I’ve never seen that car again. Sometimes, I think whether it really happened or if I had inhaled too many cleaning products in my job. Maybe that green car will come back one day.Support Chuckle English by donating to their Tip Jar: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/chuckle-englishThis podcast is powered by Pinecast. Try Pinecast for free, forever, no credit card required. If you decide to upgrade, use coupon code r-4a4150 for 40% off for 4 months, and support Chuckle English.