Get Your Hands Off My Dogcast

It's been a long road, but the journey has come to an end. After a year and a half of reviewing dog films, the boys have moved to greener pastures. Or a nice farm upstate, if you want to put a classic dog death spin on it. With a new project named The Even Worse Idea Of All Time sweeping the boys off their feet, it's time to put the Dogcast to bed with a nice reflection. Thanks to anyone who has supported us over the last 18 months, and for one last time, Get Your Hands Off My Dogcast!

When Alisdair announced that the next episode would involve a venture onto the dark web to locate a film that has long been the subject of sinister rumour and speculation, we were worried. Imagine our surprise when it actually turned out to be the best thing we've ever watched. It's so good we've written an acrostic poem: Hilarious Energetic Loving Passionate 

Hey Havana, ooh na-na (ay)Half of my heart is in Havana, ooh-na-na (ay, ay)He took me back to East Atlanta, na-na-naAll of my heart is in Havana (ay)There's somethin' 'bout his manners (uh huh)Havana, ooh na-na (uh) He didn't walk up with that "how you doin'?" (uh)(When he came in the room)He said there's a lot of girls I can do with (uh)(But I can't without you)I'm doin' forever in a minute (hey)(That summer night in June)And papa says he got malo in him (uh)He got me feelin' like Ooh-ooh-ooh, I knew it when I met himI loved him when I left himGot me feelin' likeOoh-ooh-ooh, and then I had to tell himI had to go, oh na-na-na-na-na Havana, ooh na-na (ay, ay)Half of my heart is in Havana, ooh-na-na (ay, ay)He took me back to East Atlanta, na-na-na (uh huh)All of my heart is in Havana (ay)My heart is in Havana (ay)Havana, ooh na-na JefferyJust graduated, fresh on campus, mmFresh out East Atlanta with no manners, damnFresh out East AtlantaBump on her bumper like a traffic jamHey, I was quick to pay that girl like Uncle Sam (here you go, ay)Back it on me, shawty cravin' on meGet to diggin' on me (on me)She waited on me (then what?)Shawty cakin' on me, got the bacon on me (wait up)This is history in the makin' on me (on me)Point blank, close range, that BIf it cost a million, that's me (that's me)I was gettin' mula, man they feel me Havana, ooh na-na (ay, ay)Half of my heart is in Havana, ooh-na-na (oh, ay, ay)He took me back to East Atlanta, na-na-na (oh no)All of my heart is in Havana (ay)My heart is in Havana (ay)Havana, ooh na-na Ooh na-na, oh na-na-na (oo-ooh)Take me back, back, back likeOoh na-na, oh na-na-na (yeah, babe)Take me back, back, back likeOoh na-na, oh na-na-na (yea, yeah)Take me back, back, back likeOoh na-na, oh na-na-na (yea, babe)Take me back, back, back(Hey, hey)Ooh-ooh-oohOoh-ooh-oohTake me back to my Havana Havana, ooh na-naHalf of my heart is in Havana, ooh-na-na (oh, yeah)He took me back to East Atlanta, na-na-na (ay, ay)All of my heart is in HavanaMy heart is in Havana (ay)Havana, ooh na-na Uh huhOh na-na-na (oh na, yeah)Oh na-na-naOh na-na-naNo, no, no, take me backOh na-na-naHavana, ooh na-na

This week to spice up our dull existences we decided to record the podcast in chunks upon every hour. Listen in amazement as we stand around talking in various loud places. 

We've injected a solid hit of cinematic mediocrity right into our veins and we're addled and confused.  Christ.  You may hear brief flashes of passion when we're not talking about the movie, but it's hard graft. Buy Dua Lipa's New Rules on iTunes today, and every following day.

Well, we've been going strong since the year of our lord 1987, but one thing is for sure. We're all going to die. That includes you, reader of this perfunctory written content. We love ya but you'll be bloody food for the maggots.  Also we discussed a film with Billy Connolly playing a dog. He's probably on the verge of death too. He's certainly in a lot of trouble.  Cook the man some fucking eggs. Love from your beautiful hosts, kia kaha. 

The boys return to the Air Bud franchise, and 2 of 3 audience members had a great time. 

There are no dogs in this movie.

The boys turn to the 2012 flick Vampire Dog this week in an attempt to rekindle the passion. It didn't work. Dire straights here. Turn back.

The boys have reunited after nearly a month apart to watch the 1955 film Lady and the Tramp. While the film didn't engage them, listen as they take a deep dive into the current music charts and other baseless, inane chat. It's a bit of a mess of an episode to be frank, but it's important that you, the listener, are here with us through the good and the bad. Suck it up, you chumps.

While a party occurs around us, the Dogcast boys have barricaded ourselves in a small room to educate all of you lovely listeners about the second excellent dog movie in a row! Perhaps Stockholm syndrome has finally taken hold, and all movies from this point will appear to be towering classics. Or maybe we just got lucky? Make up your own mind as we analyse Eight Below, joined in the studio by renowned human Kevin Spacey for the discussion of conspiracy theories, terrifying leopard seal excellence, and Paul Walker's untimely demise.

We've finally managed to catch a dog movie upon its release, and it's fair to say our icy hearts have been well and truly warmed by the reincarnation-based smash hit A Dog's Purpose. If you're on the fence about watching it, get out and see it immediately. You can listen to the podcast later, we'll always be around, but the wholesome bundle of joy that is this film won't be screened perpetually. Be here now.

Probably the most major division of opinion this week (possibly due to alcohol), as we examine the oldest film we've ever looked at, Is it a charming, immersive depiction of family life during the Great Depression, or the most tedious nonsense ever committed to film?  Make up your own bloody mind, we're not here to give you all the answers. This podcast is brought to you by the smash hit student newspaper Salient.  Have fun, but be safe. 

Just stop your cryingIt's a sign of the timesWelcome to the final showHope you're wearing your best clothesYou can't bribe the door on your way to the skyYou look pretty good down hereBut you ain't really goodWe never learn, we've been here beforeWhy are we always stuck and running fromThe bullets, the bullets?We never learn, we've been here beforeWhy are we always stuck and running fromThe bullets, the bullets?Just stop your cryingIt's a sign of the timesWe gotta get away from hereWe gotta get away from hereJust stop your cryingIt'll be alrightThey told me that the end is nearWe gotta get away from hereJust stop your cryingHave the time of your lifeBreaking through the atmosphereAnd things are pretty good from hereRemember, everything will be alrightWe can meet again somewhereSomewhere far away from hereWe never learn, we've been here beforeWhy are we always stuck and running fromThe bullets, the bullets?We never learn, we've been here beforeWhy are we always stuck and running fromThe bullets, the bullets?Just stop your cryingIt's a sign of the timesWe gotta get away from hereWe gotta get away from hereStop your cryingBaby, it'll be alrightThey told me that the end is nearWe gotta get away from hereWe never learn, we've been here beforeWhy are we always stuck and running fromThe bullets, the bullets?We never learn, we've been here beforeWhy are we always stuck and running fromThe bullets, the bullets?We don't talk enoughWe should open upBefore it's all too muchWill we ever learn?We've been here beforeIt's just what we knowStop your crying, babyIt's a sign of the timesWe gotta get awayWe got to get awayWe got to get awayWe got to get awayWe got to get awayWe got to—we got to—awayWe got to—we got to—awayWe got to—we got to—away

Alisdair is currently in the wilderness doing his best to avoid the clutches of numerous wolves, so the remaining gentlemen have convened in an alternative location to watch smash hit Firehouse Dog, with the aid of virtual reality sharks. 

Here's a fun 2007 film about a dog with superpowers, so bare of content that we struggle to find anything to say. Good rap though, I guess. If you choose not to listen to this, we will not hold a grudge.  Love you. 

After getting to grips with the new Dogcast Towers and its phallic bottle openers, it's time to talk about the touching 2002 epic Snow Dogs, a film that had a severe impact on a young Jamie, single-handedly shaping him into the troubled man he is today. But is this really a dog movie? Perhaps the clue lies in the title. Time is also taken to acknowledge a vital component of this podcast: you. Yes, you.

Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston have put on their best show for the boys this week. While their performances don't impress everyone, there's a healthy dose of discussion and dark personal secrets are revealed. Give it a listen, Dogcast nation.

Out in the wilderness this week, so please forgive the wind. Please. We dig deep into the moral fibre of Severus Snape and discuss New Zealand icons Brian Tamaki and friend of the podcast David Seymour. Also watched a movie I guess. 

Horror movie this time. Profoundly tedious. Did not sign up for any of this. Send help. 

The boys are back in town, reuniting in Dogcast Towers to watch 1992's Beethoven, one of the best-regarded dog films. And while it wasn't a classic, much appreciation was found for the genuinely heartwarming family story. We also revisit Turner and Hooch for some fairly stomach-churning sexual role play. But this is all secondary to us now, we're big-shot musicians, so you squares should check out Scrotum and the Bobcats if you wanna be cool, you hear?

The team has been torn asunder, and were forced to record this conversation via Skype, meaning that the usual ceremonial thigh rubbing could not occur. As a result, individually watching Hotel for Dogs was a lonely, soul-searching experience, but the boys have pulled through, and found some genuine appreciation of the characters. Also, outlandish theories!

Tis' the season to be jolly - but not for these boys. A special watch of the Christmas themed Santa Buddies has brought a real sour energy to the room. Listen as Oliver devours dog food, the boys get furious once again, and a time of reflection is had. Merry Christmas ya filthy animals.

It's sort of a return to our roots this time, in that we meet the beloved sporty dog Air Bud. Except sadly we don't follow that intrepid bastard in this movie much, but instead his shitty children. Look, to be honest, it's another bad one, with more bloody dognapping. But there's a big draw in the form of Benny from ABBA's first acting role (not really)! 

PUBLIC SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT: THIS MOVIE IS ENTIRELY SHIT. Let our suffering be a warning to all, alright? There's a brief spot of happiness when we lose ourselves in the world of ice-cream, but mostly bewilderment as this all-star movie goes off the fucking rails (especially problematic for Chevy Chase's character; a train). 

Want some red-hot discussion of The Life of Pablo many months after its release? Well, this is the right place, buddy. Oh, also we discuss Beverly Hills Chihuahua, which means chatting about sub-par comedy and some gently racist stuff. What a time to be alive. 

Tom Hanks! Star of lots of films! Lots! Like...well, we're not going to list them all here, we're not bloody IMDB. Pricks. But he's certainly in this movie, with a relatively ugly dog co-starring. And it's quite possibly the best one we've seen, so we lay down some heavy praise among various other things. Sharkboy and Lavagirl, coffee-induced urination, it's all going on, and it's all relatively shambolic. 

After many weeks of examining the adventures of dogs, it's time for the furry little fucks to face up to their greatest enemy: cats. It's a thrilling adventure, and despite the lack of characterisation, there are some solid performances for the lads to appreciate, including good ol' Jeff Goldblum. There's also a fierce debate about whether all cats are evil, intriguing research into the smash hit chocolates Cherry Ripe and Turkish Delight, and a lovely bit of technical difficulty!

Despite being imprisoned for his horrific crimes, Jamie has been kind enough to join us for a look at 1996's live-action version of the classic 101 Dalmatians. The boys are significantly more upbeat than last week, and get stuck into analysing the possible dementia of Joan Plowright's incredible character, and...well, there's not a lot of meat to this one, but there's a lovely rendition of a classic song by Foreigner, and some solid potato discussion. 

After the shockingly poor film last week, it's time to turn to...something even worse, in the form of the infamous animated catastrophe, (more like dog-astrophe, am I right?) Foodfight! There's really not a lot more that can be said about the boys' confrontation with the movie and its menagerie of terrifyingly poor animation and bizarre sexual references and food puns, but it's a wonder that they've survived. Particularly with Jamie's ongoing legal trouble... 

It's happened. A film has broken us. This week the boys attempt to analyse the 2005 karate-caper "The Karate Dog", and whoa doctor, it's a real mission. Just...just listen. Or don't. Who am I to dictate your life to you? 

It's time for a long overdue return to the Air Bud universe, and a whole lot more mediocrity. Some of the weighty topics bandied about in the ensuing debate include Jamie's soul sacrifice, Alisdair's bizarre appreciation for a child wearing glasses, and Oliver has a disturbing theory about Josh's dark secrets. Give it a listen! Please. 

The third dog film to be inspected, prodded and fondled by the boys is 1991's Bingo, claimed ferociously by members of IMDB to be a very clever satire of dog films, but lambasted by others as a "very strange movie". What is the truth? Only time will tell, but there's a lot going on. Tune in for talk of carbonated Nesquik and generous Australian recycling systems as we examine this horrific dystopian world packed full of anti-cockroach dog slaughterers and lovably negligent fathers.

In this thrilling second episode, the lads watch the film The Shaggy Dog, an outrageous Tim Allen vehicle packed with physical comedy and a villainous Robert Downey Jr. Among the many and varied topics up for discussion is the terror of dogs with human eyes, and Jamie posits a bold theory that the film only exists as a cover for Allen's disturbing real-life activities. Perhaps the most exciting discovery, however, is a unanimous appreciation for Stellan Skarsgard's parental potential. P.S.: Please forgive us for the audio hiccups present in this episode.

For their first week of podcasting, the boys tackle the much loved 1997 family film Air Bud.