Herpes Opportunity

An interview with one of the participants from the very first Herpes Opportunity weekend seminar in Raleigh, NC, October 26-28, 2012.

An interview with one of the staff members from the very first Herpes Opportunity weekend seminar in Raleigh, NC, October 26-28, 2012.

An interview with one of the staff members from the very first Herpes Opportunity weekend seminar in Raleigh, NC, October 26-28, 2012.

An interview with one of the participants from the very first Herpes Opportunity weekend seminar in Raleigh, NC, October 26-28, 2012.

An interview with one of the participants from the very first Herpes Opportunity weekend seminar in Raleigh, NC, October 26-28, 2012.

An interview with one of the participants from the very first Herpes Opportunity weekend seminar in Raleigh, NC, October 26-28, 2012.

An interview with one of the participants from the very first Herpes Opportunity weekend seminar in Raleigh, NC, October 26-28, 2012.

An interview with one of the participants from the very first Herpes Opportunity weekend seminar in Raleigh, NC, October 26-28, 2012. Transcript: I: So yeah, just like a general sense of the weekend. What was it like for you? P: I wasn’t really sure going in what to expect, but I came out a different person for sure. It’s more about your self. It’s more about really . . . it’s like self-awareness. It’s really finding out what makes you tick, what’s bothering you. Kind of I guess, just looking at where you are now and where you want to be, and what your gaps are and why you’re not there. I took a lot away from it. And it wasn’t just about the “H”, but more about your self. Pain’s the way I thought about myself actually. And I think about other people, too. I think a lot of it was some of the exercises we went through. I guess opened my eyes. I was feeling kind of alone and disconnected, a lot of different things. I didn’t know whether I could do it, but I guess I just have a whole different prospective on where I was at, and why I was doing certain things to myself when there really was no reason to be that way. I was in a different kind of place, I guess. I just wasn’t thinking in the right frame of mind for a long time, I think. I knew it was a problem, but I never—I don’t know, I guess I just didn’t want to go there. I think a lot of it is, you’re vulnerable, the fear, there’s so many different things, you know, that can go into it. Once you can recognize what it is, you can really start to build some kind of foundation on how you want to change it. (02:38) I: Good. It sounds like the beginning of a new path for you was actually to start looking at maybe the stuff that you didn’t originally want to look at. P: Exactly. Yep. That’s what it is. Sometimes you just need a push, you know. You just need someone to say the right things, the right words, and of course you need to let it all out. I mean, I hadn’t had a meltdown like that probably for, well, I don’t know, for a long time. (03:07) I: How you’re explaining it, it almost sounds like it was purging something from you that had been trapped inside for a while. P: Yes. Yes, that’s another good word. Yeah, I agree with that. I mean, you do it with yourself, but when you have other people there that are just kind of listening, and helping you along, and giving their perspective. It makes a difference. I think it really opens your eyes up to a lot of different possibilities, different opportunities, things you didn’t look at before. I mean, a lot of it, I look at myself saying, “Why didn’t I think of that?” Or my mind was so closed on a certain path or a certain way that I wasn’t even looking at other avenues. And then to hear the other people, “Gosh, I said that problem, too, and this is how I handled it, or it wasn’t exactly similar, but . . .” I mean, that kind of put a little bit in perspective too that I was really thinking, “Of course, I’m alone and no one else is feeling this. What is wrong with me?” You know, that kind of thing. [Laughs] (04:12) I: You’re the only one. [Laughs] P: Yeah, your mind just plays so many different scenarios. And my problem was, I wasn’t letting anybody in, wasn’t telling anybody anything, but it was more than that for me, it wasn’t just about the “H”. And I realized that. It’s not really about that. It’s more about coming in tune with yourself, and really valuing what you have to bring, and then just like listening to other people, too. It was really—I’m really glad I went. I wasn’t going to, I didn’t want to, and you know the whole “H” thing, that’s just another part of my issue, but I’m really glad I did because it really opened up my eyes to a lot of different things, and how much I was shutting a lot of stuff down that I shouldn’t have been. It helped me really, you know say, “God, I have all these people out here, why am I not reaching out? What is wrong with me?” It really kind of put that back into perspective that I don’t have to go through all this alone. It just helped me say—you know I kept saying, ”Yeah, I accept it. I accept it.” But I really don’t think I did to be honest. (05:26) I: Umm hmm. It sounds like you felt really supported. P: Yeah, I did. Yeah, probably for the first time in a long time. I: Wow. How does that feel to say that? P: It feels good, really. I’ve been trying to take it all in the last couple days, and each day I get better, I get more confident. I’m more—I’m not thinking of the negative things, I’m thinking of “Okay, what can I do to push it through. There’s got to be some other avenue or another thing I can do.” Instead of just saying, “Okay, it’s not going to work. I’m done.” Then you shut yourself down, and you miss out on some many different opportunities or maybe different possibilities you didn’t think of before, you didn’t look at before. (06:12) I: Yeah. What else is different about you now? P: I don’t know. I guess I feel a little bit more of a relief. I don’t feel the weight on my shoulders any more. I feel that I can just look at certain things and take it one step at a time. Whereas before I just felt so closed in. I felt like, “God, it’s too much. I just can’t do it.” I’m feeling more like this is an obstacle, but how can I get around it? Or what can I do to help me face it? For the most part, I got out the value that I wanted for me. It was a really good experience for me. I’m so glad that I [Laughs], I finished it because I think I would have been very disappointed in myself if I didn’t. (07:03) I: If you were to tell someone who might be considering coming to the seminar, but they’re afraid or they don’t really know what it’s about . . .what would you tell that person? P: I would tell them that I felt the same way. Without giving it away, it’s about “H”, but it’s something more. It’s more of like a movement. And it’s really about your self. It’s really about taking a weekend and really—it’s like a retreat. Take a weekend and just really think about yourself. Sometimes you need that, you need . . . and don’t be afraid to have someone push you because sometimes we need that push. You’ll really be glad you did because you’ll really find out things about yourself and other people that you would never found out if you didn’t go to the seminar. It’s really valuable even though you might think, ”God, I don’t need this.” because I didn’t think I needed either. Because everyone thinks they’re coping with things when they’re really not, so I think I would just encourage them. Yeah, you have “H”, but there’s [sic] other things you’re going to get out of the seminar that I think you’re going to be pleasantly surprised at the end, and how you feel about yourself and other people. (08:21) I: I think you said that for you, it felt pretty heavy at the beginning like when you first came in you felt pretty heavy, but by the end, it was like the weight was off, I feel really light, I feel free. P: Yeah. Yeah, it was like a—it was freedom, it was a relief; I’ve been carrying a lot on my shoulders. Just as I was driving today, I was coming back from somewhere and I’m like, “My God, why was I doing that all of these years? I was taking on this burden.” (08:51) I: Before you came to the seminar, when you had disclosed, you had gotten rejected. How do you feel about disclosing to someone now? P: Much better. Much better. I think it was my whole attitude . . . I’m like, “They’re never going to accept this and you can’t go in like that. It’s so much different how I feel now about it. I don’t know. It’s kind of hard to explain. I have a whole different perspective on that now. And even talking to other people, the other participants, and even the staff regarding that . . . I mean, it’s—I don’t know, I just feel like I’m more confident for some reason. I think that has a lot to do with feeling you’re worthy, you deserve it . . . I never really felt that way before. I always thought, “Alright, I don’t deserve it. I did something wrong.” [Laughs] (09:49) I: And now you feel like now you deserve it. P: Yeah, I feel like, “Goddamn it, you know, I do. There’s nothing wrong with me.” [Both laugh] It’s just one little obstacle that you can overcome. I’ve seen people with relationships where one has it, or they both do [sic] or whatever. You know, and people are still together. I mean, sh*t, a lot of it doesn’t have anything to do with it, more of it’s financial reasons, and other reasons why people split up. But I wasn’t thinking like that, I had another way of thinking before walking in there. It’s just kind of opened my eyes a little more I guess. It’s giving me a chance. I wasn’t even giving myself a chance, I think. I was shooting myself down before I even went in to disclose. A lot of it you don’t think about body language and you know, looking in someone’s eyes, really think a lot about that stuff when you’re talking to somebody. And some of it was, “Oh my God, they’re going to think this . . .” When really actually they’re not. Even before you would speak, it’s putting a lot of preconceived—like what I was doing, “Oh, he’s never going to . . .” this guy when I tell him, he’s going to walk out the door. And that shows on your face. (11:08) Break in interview: Interviewer states, “And then I said, ‘Wow. After hearing all of that, it sounds like it was a really good weekend for you.’” P: Yes. Absolutely. It just really lifted me up. It really—I just needed it. I needed a big push and I got it. I’m just so glad that I attended and that I came back—that I didn’t get into that place again where, “Oh, I can’t do this, and I can just do everything by myself. And I’m so independent, and I don’t need anybody.” You know, that kind of thing. And really I did. It’s like, “No, you’re getting your ass up, and you’re going there and you’re going to finish it.” That’s what I did. So I think just a lot of what people said to me, it just made me feel good. For one thing because I haven’t heard it in a while, but I kind of already knew that it was there. But to have people see it actually, and to tell you, it just really meant a lot to me. It really gives you a little bit of a boost. And just reiterates what really was inside of me, that is was there all along. It’s just that I let myself get into some kind of funk or whatever you want to call it, and to believe that it wasn’t there anymore and I’m not a good person, or I can’t do this or something will never happen that I want to happen. (12:39) I: Yeah. So actually having people see your beauty, and your leadership, and your big heart . . .it actually had you being able to see all those things more clearly in your self? P: Exactly. Exactly. I: And how does that feel to realize all of those things about yourself? (13:03) P: It feels great. [Laughs] It just feels wonderful. I can’t tell you how, just a better perspective I have. I was such in a dark place before. I’m just not in that place anymore. I don’t ever want to go there again. And hopefully, I won’t. It opens up your eyes. It’s like, “What have you been doing the last couple months or the last couple years feeling this way?” There’s absolutely no reason to feel that way. It really helps you bring out your strengths and know that you have courage even coming there for one thing. It really says a lot about yourself, and it makes you believe. I don’t want to say, “Gives you hope.” because you always have—I always had hope, but it’s just the word that’s coming into my mind right now. It gives you hope, makes you believe, you know not go back into where you were before because it’s just not a good place to be. (14:05) I: It sounds like when you talk about all this stuff that you have a tool set now for making sure you don’t flip into that dark space again. P: Yes, I do. You’re absolutely right. I like set the foundation to build what I know what I need to do. It’s the push I needed to do it. It kind of sets you in motion for what you want to do, and it gives kind of like a goal to reach in the next couple months or the next year. And it kind of gives you the momentum after something like this to follow through with what I need to do for myself. (14:45) I: Well, cool. It sounds like a lot of healing took place for you over the course of the weekend. P: Yeah, it really did. It really was a good experience for me. I can’t thank you enough for pushing me because if I didn’t have the push, I’d still be where I was. I wasn’t in a good place, but I feel so much better now. And I’m just so glad that I came and I met everybody. It opened up whole new avenue of living my life. I don’t know, it’s kind of hard to explain, I guess. (15:19) I: That was beautifully explained. [Laughs] I love what you just said. P: Wow. Thanks. I: Yeah. I’m just really proud of you for having the courage to, like you said, to even come. (15:33) P: Yeah, it’s—thank you. I know that now. I didn’t think when I walked in there, “I have courage.” but it was… for everyone. Like you said, you just get into the mold and you get beat up so hard sometimes that it’s hard to come out of something, but with a weekend to really kind of look at yourself and hear feed back from other people. It’s really—it’s so valuable to me. Like I said, it’s worth gold. It’s worth gold. (16:10) I: [Laughs] That is so good to hear. I’m so glad that you came. P: I’m glad I came, too. And you did a really nice job facilitating, by the way. I: [Laughs] Thank you. P: Yeah, that was a huge thing to undertake—this is going to get really huge. I think you know that. [Laughs] (16:33) I: I hope so. I hope so. I can’t wait for it to blow up, and help as many people as possible. Just your help on the phone with me now really helps that. P: It will. This is going to get really big. It’s really a good seminar. You don’t how many more people you’re going to help. It’s just so wide open. And so many people need this that it’s going to be incredible. It really is. (17:04) Break in interview: Interviewer states, “Wow, pretty cool. And then we got talking about the possibility of coming back and helping staff again, and helping other people who need it. Here’s what we started talking about…” (17:17) P: I was just going to say that I saw a lot of me in some of the younger folks, and just some of the things they said because they were so newly diagnosed. I’m like, “Oh, my goodness. You know, I’ve been there. I know your pain. You’re going to get better.” To hear them say, “Oh, I’m just not—I don’t feel pretty, and I feel dirty. I’m never going to be able to get a date.” It’s just like, “Oh my gosh, you know, I’ve been through this…yes, you will.” [Laughs] It makes you want to really reach out to them…hey, listen, you’re going to be fine. You’re going to go through some stuff, yeah, but you’re going to come out of it okay. I never had that when I was diagnosed, so I want to be able to give that to somebody. They’re just going to take the ball and run with it, and just be overwhelmed with joy that someone’s actually taken the time to tell them they’re going to be okay. And you make all these friends along the way that you didn’t have before. The whole experience is like really incredible. [Laughs] (18:27) I: [Laughs] I like that little laugh at the end. [Laughs] P: A laugh of happiness. I: Awesome. It’s so good. (18:39)

This interview is meant to spur your curiosity and offer a different perspective on the herpes conversation. This audio is free for your personal use only and does not constitute medical treatment, medical care or medical advice. It is for entertainment, education and opinion purposes only. Want to contribute your personal story to this conversation? Please email hello@thehopp.com.

This interview is meant to spur your curiosity and offer a different perspective on the herpes conversation. This audio is free for your personal use only and does not constitute medical treatment, medical care or medical advice. It is for entertainment, education and opinion purposes only. Want to contribute your personal story to this conversation? Please email hello@thehopp.com.

This interview is meant to spur your curiosity and offer a different perspective on the herpes conversation. This audio is free for your personal use only and does not constitute medical treatment, medical care or medical advice. It is for entertainment, education and opinion purposes only. Want to contribute your personal story to this conversation? Please email hello@thehopp.com.

This interview is meant to spur your curiosity and offer a different perspective on the herpes conversation. This audio is free for your personal use only and does not constitute medical treatment, medical care or medical advice. It is for entertainment, education and opinion purposes only. Want to contribute your personal story to this conversation? Please email hello@thehopp.com.

This interview is meant to spur your curiosity and offer a different perspective on the herpes conversation. This audio is free for your personal use only and does not constitute medical treatment, medical care or medical advice. It is for entertainment, education and opinion purposes only. Want to contribute your personal story to this conversation? Please email hello@thehopp.com.

When first diagnosed with herpes, there’s an overwhelming feeling of being contagious and dirty … a sneaky suspicion that quarantine may be necessary. We need to start getting real with our priorities. The harsh stigma of herpes grossly misrepresents herpes itself.

All too often we tend to automatically identify with all the negatives about herpes. All those ways that herpes shows up as a block to happiness, fulfillment and pleasure seem to automatically bubble up in our heads. Being proactive around unblocking all of that is what these four reminders are all about. Use these reminders to say to yourself with all sincerity “You’re okay.”

It seems that it is human nature to compare. It’s definitely ego-driven, in order to see if we’re adequately keeping up with the Joneses — to make sure that we’re “stacking up.” We compare others’ experiences to our own hoping to see common ground. Let's think before we compare, especially when it comes to herpes.

A sizzling sexy relationship — even contending with herpes — is in your future. And it all starts with your relationship to what herpes means to your sex life. 1) Is herpes a sex killer or 2) does herpes give a new perspective on trust, caring and support in relationship? Can you feel that difference? That is the first part of seeing it as a relationship strengthener. Sound a bit backwards? You’re gonna love this.

Do you see herpes as a dead weight in your life? Is herpes dragging you down with each step? If we don’t put awareness into our relationship with herpes, it will drag us down, much like if you were to strap a few hundred pounds of dumbbells to you and walk around life denying the weight’s existence. But where do people actually seek out weight in their lives?

The victim mentality means that you blame everyone else for what happens in your world. Identifying as a victim can arise with anything in our lives, but the initial stress and denial that a herpes diagnosis can trigger leaves the door wide open for the victim role to step in.

Who am I? What am I? Am I my personality? Am I the successes in my life? Am I the failures? Am I some combination of all of that? I’m starting to realize that all of those questions are secondary to the primary question of simply being. Herpes has been just one tool in my life for helping me recognize this on a deeper level.

People with herpes have a tendency to want to save others from getting herpes. Which is admirable. But sometimes it's taken too far. As heartfelt as this seems on the surface, it’s counterproductive in that by isolating herpes from others, you’re isolating you.

The key to breaking the cycle of shame and loneliness that herpes seems to bring is to normalize herpes in your life. Herpes gets its power from the power of secrets and isolation.

Do you feel like nobody could possibly understand what you’re going through? When you look around, do you see everyone as free from herpes and you as the only one who is suffering with it? Do you feel like this is your secretive battle to wage?

A lot of it comes down to how you yourself perceive the herpes talk. Is it a dreaded rejection-maker or is it an opportunity to go deeper into trust, authenticity and vulnerability?

It’s not about herpes at all. It’s about who you truly are that herpes blocks from being. If you let it, that is.

Occasionally the news will tell us there’s a possibility for a legitimate cure, but it seems just out of our reach sometime in the future. Whether or not the physical cure for herpes is coming anytime soon, ultimately the biggest “problem” herpes poses isn’t the physical symptoms at all, but the psychological.

People with herpes are confronted with a very physical and intimate version of shame on an ongoing basis. Our automatic reaction is to go numb and look the other way, waiting for it to go away so we can get back to our lives. But what if there was something important we were turning away from?

Yes, at first herpes might seem like one of those teachers who was stern and cruel, but sometimes teachers push you because underneath that bratty kid they see something worthy of bringing out.

Such a simple phrase, but can you feel how much power it has? “I have herpes.” When you say these three words, what effect do they have on you? There’s a way to move past these feelings. And that way is through.