Booze Your Own Adventure

You're a preternaturally speedy blue animal that talks, A.K.A a hedgehog. Dr. Robotnik has launched a plan to brainwash the world through his media monopoly, and it's up to you to stop him! Unfortunately, "go fast" is really the only tool in your toolbox, so good look figuring out how to leverage that in the increasingly global corporate marketplace. Will you have all your clothes stolen to no obvious end or effect? Will you experience carnal stirrings for any bats or squirrels? And will you, at any point, actually "go fast"? Hold on to your chaos emeralds, 'cause you're about to find out. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

A billionaire who definitely isn't John Hammond has a private island that's definitely not called Jurassic Park where he has developed a method of resurrecting dinosaurs that definitely isn't by extracting their blood from mosquitoes trapped in amber (except that it is exactly that). Anyway, your plane crashed on this island and everyone died except you and your bestest buds. Sounds like an adventure waiting to happen. If only you could find those damn dinosaurs. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

The gamebook is afoot! You're not Sherlock Holmes, in fact your very existence is a mockery of everything he represents. But when Doctor Watson is accused of murder, somebody has to crack the case, and inexplicably neither the police nor Sherlock's own brother really feel like it's worth the hassle. Will you gather the clues needed to solve the mystery? Or will you just stand there drooling on yourself as witness after witness is fruitlessly paraded by? Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

Morrrrphhhhh! When Xavier is off vacationing in space and Cyclops is off crying in bed or something, there's no one left to command the X-Men but... well, us. We'll take on classic X-Men enemies like rec league baseball, customer service numbers, and the Roomba. Danger Roomba? Nope just a Roomba. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

Your search for justice has brought you to the stinkiest town on the continent. Your mission? To wander the streets having random encounters until someone tells you what your mission is. Will winning a ball tossing contest reveal your true goal? Will soaking a flower in dog blood somehow give you a sense of direction? Can you trade bodily structure for narrative structure by surrendering your bones to a night club? Probably you should have just read the preface. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

Imagine a dimension you cannot imagine. It's like the three dimensions you're used to, except that it is distinct in every way. A dimension not only of sight and sound, but of choice. And hate. But mostly choice. Infinite choice. Uncountably infinite choice, and also hate. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

Galaxy-burning wars betwixt spacefaring races. Majestic dragons with crystalline doppelgangers. Priceless glass bottles that can save the planet with a single tone.    Also gross malnourished horses, an army of Laura Derns, excessive sexual innuendos, and an ill-fated QVC bit. You get what you pay for.   Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

You're a spy kid! Again! This time your mission is to track down a time traveling invisible vampire who can explode like an atomic bomb. No really. But it's totally fine, because you've got a spiffy attaché case. Check and mate.   Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

You're Spider-Man. Or possibly the restless ghost of Spider-Man, but you don't know that yet. Probably you should be saving New York from supervillains, but wouldn't it be more fun to spend basically the entire book just pontificating about how muscles work and harassing the citizenry? We think so. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

Books about paranormal detective children will never get old. Period. Will your discerning but cruel powers of deduction alienate you from everyone you meet? Will you immediately give up on solving crimes in favor of committing them? Will you actually see a ghost and, if so, will it be the first creature you meet that wears pants? Grab a juice box, it's time to hunt ghosts. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

Another week, another chance to save the land of Zork! Will Bivotar and Juranda destroy all 3 square miles of the continent by activating the inexplicable self-destruct function on a local dam? Will they give away their legendary artifacts of unfathomable power to the first rando who asks nicely? And will their efforts earn them a Big Napkin? Get your pronoun-disambiguation detective hat on, we're going back in. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

You've been transported to the mystical realm of 1980s text-based computer games! Which is to say, a fantasy kingdom where a couple of children with an inexplicable penchant for stumbling upon plot-relevant doodads are the only hope against a malevolent shrimp tyrant. Will you seize victory over a basement hobo with your sword of lasciviousness? Will you build a hot air balloon out of, like, a tunic and some rocks? Will you find the fabled trove of dadmags? Grab your battery-powered lantern, because you are likely to be eaten by a grue. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

The Evil Power Master has been revived, and agents Vern and B0 have just one chance to stop him and escape with their lives. When the chips are down, will B0 have enough microscopes to defeat evil? And when the chips are in a vending machine, will Vern be able to resist? Will that Rendoxoll guy contribute anything other than unbridled dickishness? Find out at thought speed in this, the finale of the EPM Files trilogy! Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

You've been invited to try not to die in a dungeon! There's probably more motivation than that, but who can be bothered to read the prologue? Will you be guilted to death by a fatherly bird statue? Devoured by an overly possessive giant fly? Or will you just die of food poisoning from that jerky you took off a barbarian corpse? It's time to test your luck, may your stamina never fail, etc etc LET'S DO THIS. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

An Evil Power Master cult has seized an orbit station for unknown purposes, and Rapid Force agents Vern and B0 are behind enemy lines. Will Vern manage to escape the hostile cultists with nothing but his encyclopedic knowledge of ticklish areas? Will B0 be able to outwit on a helpless, piss-soaked hostage? And how how many times can our intrepid heroes fail to open a door? Strap into your body mold command chair, it's roleplaying time! Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

Your parents have left you alone for the first time ever. You regain lucidity after a week-long bender of pizza and late night shows, only to decide to take the boat out and do some time travel. Will you be menaced by a pistol-wielding dwarf? Will you find out what kind of murder charge applies to accidentally drowning your best friend and your dog? Will you get really hyped for a plot line that ends up consisting entirely of missing a phone call from a DJ? Only one way to find out. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

Why read a Choose Your Own Adventure book when you can live in one? This week we put those dusty books down, pick up a fistful of dice, and get down to some serious tabletop roleplaying! Vern and B0 are Lacoonian System Rapid Force special agents assigned to all cases concerning... the Evil Power Master. A cult of EPM worshipping crazies has just stolen a bunch of crystals from a Haemogian lab... but why? Will B0's soft, fleshy hands be able to squeeze out some answers? Will Vern find courage in the bewildering pages of his Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic? Will anyone get to the bottom of anything, or will they be too busy getting captured and blowing things up? This time, it's up to the dice. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

It's D&D novelization time again! You wake up in a vampire's bed, but not for the fun sexy reasons you were hoping for. This Strahd guy mostly wants to feed you chicken tenders and rub his teeth on your face. Escape is the only option. Will you be eaten by a pack of Air Bud sherrifs? Will you trip on a rug so hard you die? Will you find Strahd's legendary trove of grocery store wine? Whatever happens, one thing is clear: Tyr has abandoned you. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

The Earth's oil is gone! And this time, you're not the plucky precocious child genius who can get it all back! You're that child's brother, standing idly by while everyone else does the plot. Can you... follow your brother through an airport? Can you keep people from staring as he experiences prophetic visions? Can you at least not get stabbed to death by scuba divers? Tighten the leather straps, because you're about to feel the knowledge. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

You're an officer of the Space Patrol! You have important peacekeeping duties, but all you can think about is chomping delicious sandwiches on some Venusian beach/hellscape. Will you contract a deadly virus that makes your insides painfully expand until you explode? Will your robot retaliate against you for all the lobotomies you've inflicted on it? Most importantly, will you finish watching Star Wars? Buckle up, because despite your best efforts, adventure is coming. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

Your friend has gone missing in Mexico, and you're having bad dreams. What more proof do you need that he's time-travelled back into the Mayan empire and gotten himself sacrificed? Will you Space Jam for his life against the evil Mayan priesthood?  Will you be abducted by the inexplicable alien presence? Will you ever be cool enough to get into the damn Temple of the Magicians? Let's find out. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

The worst (but only?) superhero in Titan City is back! And this time you really can't just go ride bumper cars; you must figure out where these irksome villains are meeting up. Also the President's life is in danger, but since you don't remember any of your clues he's probably toast. At least you'll spend your final hours in the comfort of some great Sharper Image gizmos. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

You're a superhero. Your only power seems to be that you can't be fired from the job you never show up to, but on top of that you have a lot of gadgets (or at least, a lot of guns). When a gang of super villains threatens to take over the world, you know that your only hope is to kick them in the nuts. But since you're too busy riding bumper cars, going to plays, and buying knick knacks to distract your boss, the world is probably doomed. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

You've always fantasized about getting chopped to pieces by lightsabers and gunned down by droids. Well now is your chance. Will you have your mental privacy and agency violated by a force user? Will you bring the man responsible for the universe's omnipresent OSHA violations to justice? Or will you just get stuck in an elevator for, like, the whole book? You're about to find out. May be the force be with you. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

How many ten year olds does it take to smuggle classified documents and rebel leaders out of a hostile foreign nation? Just one, as long you've got your trusty motor glider. Can you outwit a shifty nerd with no lines, outrun a hail of falling motor bullets, and avoid the explosion of blood that was once your moglo pilot? Yeah. Screw what your president dad says. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

Cool we'll just explain real quick at the top that it's a split-up episode and then dive into the book. Shouldn't take more than a minute.

The Evil Power Master is back! For the first time! And no one can stop him except the legendary trio consisting of Rendoxoll the condescending sex robot, Flppto the racist Martian, and you! Unfortunately, your research lab is full of ants, and even more unfortunately this minor bug problem threatens to derail your efforts to save the universe. Prepare to miniaturize. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

Chult. A land of frog people, friendly mold monsters, "naturally formed" burning skyscrapers, and other inexplicable D&D nonsense. You are the worst cleric in the Realms, sent here to save the world from eternal winter despite having no magical talent and the overall fortitude of an anemic goldfish. Will you die heroically of insomnia when your ace guides forget to bring pillows? Or will you choke to death heroically trying to pronounce the names of local settlements? Either way, winter is definitely coming. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

Just in time for Halloween, BYOA takes you into the spooky occult legend of Stonehenge! Unfortunately, "The Henge" is teeming with cosplaying chavs and ends up being yet another time-cave prank. Will you be enslaved by ferrophoibic faeries? Will you be arrested for running naked through the streets of London? Will you manage to follow the narrative amidst a minefield of tangents about pro-wrestling, Mortal Kombat, and Starcraft? Time to find out. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

You were trying to get on your school bus, but instead you got on a bus that just drives into the back a giant van so it can be stolen by terrorists. And the bus in the van, and the van in the pit, and the pit in the cave, and the cave in the town, and the town of the glove, and the glove down in the valley-o. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

With each brief moment of respite from his uncontrollable bursts of poop, your dad taught you to be the greatest driver in the world. But nothing could have prepared you for having to drive in the dark, distinguish between the ground and the sky, or turn down beer offered by friendly Aussies. Can you and your assigned navigation strangers survive this leisurely joyride through the African wilderness? You're about to find out. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

You're a simple farm boy, living the basic simple farm life of fighting off marauding dinosaurs in your giant robot. One day everyone goes to sleep, and refuses to wake up until you (the farm boy) single-handedly defeat an entire nation of robot invaders. Can you pry yourself away from the City of Pleasure long enough to maybe do a fight? Grab a couple six sided dice and some fat markers, because this is gonna get serious. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

You're crawling around a dark tunnel, alone, as you do, when you bump into a vengeful philosopher god. Do you stick around to debate the nature of existence at a third grade reading level? Perhaps you would rather be seduced by a neanderthal boy? Or maybe befriend the overlords of the Matrix? If you're thinking those things shouldn't all be in the same book, oh boy are you correct. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

When the magic rat that purifies your village's water finally dies, you're torn between seeking help from a unicorn and just dying of dehydration. Will a pair of lepers lead you to the sorceress? Will an alchemist teach you the secret to crafting heroin? Will you finally, just this once, get some actual use out of a riddle? You choose. Kind of. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

You're a grizzled war hero, spymaster, ace pilot and, of course, small child. In the scarred hellscape that was once America, you'll hop in your moglo for an unauthorized solo mission to the scarred hellscape that was once California. Do you have the pee pants to ride with the big boys? Or will your wildly misshapen legs carry you to your doom? Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

You're an androgynous and incompetent thief in D&D-world, and you just got Suicide Squadded into trying to steal a baby griffon. Will you stealthily infiltrate the lair of Waterdeep's most notorious crime lord? Or will you bounce uselessly from tavern to tavern until somebody stabs you? Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

At your old school you were a god among men. Now your friends smelly, hairy losers in a collapsing mansion. Will you earn their respect them by genetically engineering a jelly-bat? Or by going all the way with the hottest lady bat in town? Who knows. It'll be something with bats though. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

You're the most furious child homeowner in the world. Your great-grandfather isn't getting credit for discovering the island that there's no evidence he discovered, and you're more than prepared to get murdered over this outrage. Can you contain your patronizing bemusement at other cultures long enough to become the world's greatest art thief (that is, for one month)? Time to find out. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

You're touring the Statue of Liberty with a serpentine abomination and her unknowing future victims when she asks you for help memorizing her uncle's dumb riddle. Will you go on a poetry-fueled treasure hunt with the perfect girl? Or will you go back in time to stow away with some immigrants and plant the seeds of domestic terrorism? Or will you lean the true meaning of patriotism? Spoiler: no, you will do those other things. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

You are strolling along the beach when you see a beached whale, and decide it is a purple cheerleading hippopotamus. Helpfully, you begin feeding it sticks in hopes that it will take you to space. Since you're too sickly and off-putting to bond with other children, Gorga here might be the only shot at friendship you'll ever have. Don't screw it up! Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

You are a small child, but also an accomplished paranormal investigator, computer hacker, driver, and cell phone collector. Your latest case takes you to an old prison overrun with monkeys (some would say apes) and shadowy conspiracies. Will you get away with knife-murdering that guy on the front lawn? Will you impress your sycophantic friends? And will it turn out that your old nemesis Spider Ghost is behind everything? Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

Off-week special-guest bonus episode! Your uncle has found the secret to infinite energy, but to unlock it he needs to fly you, a child, across the ocean and abandon you at the airport into a Taken scenario. Will you die chained to a radiator? Will you die from the live snakes room service likes to drop off in the middle of the night? Will you even see a goddamn pyramid? Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

Your parents have abandoned you to a cabal of sinister crones and a crab. One night you encounter a surly and unlikeable mermaid who wants help finding the "friends" that evidently left her to die. Will you find the mermaid cove? Will you just drown? Will you make some gross sound effects with your mouth that irreparably derail the narrative? Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

It's a BYOA double feature! You're alone in the attic with a serial killer when you find a magical artifact. Will you use it to bully other children? That's the only option, so yes, you will. Content warning: intimate ASMR experience. You're watching your aunt get exploited by her toxic Hollywood coworkers when you're offered the chance to jump off a cliff! Don't worry, you're safely protected against labor laws because this role is completely uncredited! Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

You and an obnoxiously large group of randos have crashed a bustling underground spider party. You're in the Underdank, where the dragons are frisky, the burglars are unionized, and the economy is all favors and eggs. Will you ever see the surface again? Or will you just chill with these mushroom dudes until Demogorgon arrives and eats everyone? Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

While fleeing your nuisance cousin, you stumble into another Cave of Time (TM) -- now you're at the first Olympic games (or 120th, depends on the calendar)! Will you race a chariot? Will you wrestle? Will you get pulled into some side-quest garbage and actually end up not doing any Olympics? You're about to find out. SPECIAL WARNING: This episode contains many, many Star Fox secrets. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

You are exploring the Underground Kingdom, a place of incredible sights, magical creatures, and inexplicable feelings of warmth. Off-camera, you have probably done some drugs, some very good drugs. Will you trick an angel-eyed bird into committing infanticide? Will you trick two native tribes into brutally murdering each other? Why are you always ruining things? Why can't you, for once, just be cool? Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

You’re a hot-shot space captain who nearly lost his ship in the Void of Nero — but because you’re a human, and everyone around you is some kind of filthy Martian or suspicious robot, you’ve still got command. When the EVIL POWER MASTER strikes, will your Terran Privilege be enough to save the day? Will you shoot your frail body into the vacuum of space like the galaxy’s least-effective torpedo? Will Sartan ever look past your foibles and give you a chance at love? You’re about to find out. Good luck. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

You are on an expedition of crippling self-doubt to the Himalayas, where your friend Carlos was likely murdered by mythical creatures with access to medieval artillery. Can you navigate the oppressive bureaucracy of Nepal and your own existential crises long enough to trip balls on some yak butter tea with your new friend, Bigfoot? Will you end up wishing you hadn't? Are you sure? Are you definitely positively sure? Are you?   Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

Taking a routine May-December group date to Mexico turns from ominous to onerous when you have to trek across the dunes to pull your dumb ass friends out of a plane crash. Mr. Peter may have the best condies and Slee Jees, but that won't save him from these gravely-voiced thugs with their desert Jeeps and sunbathing. Expect strong winds and even stronger hormones. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com

You are a pajama-clad gnome child who lives in a tree and never sees darkness. When the king's daughter goes missing and total war is declared against literally everyone, you have no choice but to wade into the fray. But who took Princess Morgana? Why are you so pitiful with magic? And how hard can it be to hold onto the hat that your life literally depends on? You're about to find out. Contact us by email at boozeyourownadventure@gmail.com