Asleep And Places Like It

Narrator: And so it happened, several days later, that Aunt Panorama took a seat across from two worldly-looking gentlemen. Worldly Gentleman: Yeah, this "ant circus" idea of yours sounds . . .yes, interesting. But, when can we expect to see this . . .heh, heh . . . Ant-O-Rama? Aunt Panorama: No time like the present, eh, gentlemen? Narrator: She whistled sharply. Immediately, there was a buzzing, sizzling sound that seemed to come from under the baseboards and, without further ceremony, the room began to fill up with ants, all carrying little bundles. One of the gentlemen gave a yell and tore all the buttons off his suit, climbing on top of his desk. But in five minutes . . they were convinced. Different Worldly Gentleman: But . . .how is this possible? Aunt Panorama: Oh, I give them an idea or two and they take it from there! Narrator: And did they ever! Why, there were thousands of carpenter ants putting up little canvas bigtops! Ant aerialists, ant tumblers, ant clowns with tiny red noses, ant tight-rope walkers! Ant jugglers, juggling ten crumbs at once using two pair of arms! Ferocious Ant Lions! Fat Ants! Rubber Ants! Bright Red Fire Ants swallowing fire! Worldly Gentleman: That's amazing! Sign here, here, here, here, and here!! Narrator: And it wasn't long before "Aunt Panorama's Ant-O-Rama" was a household name and, as she had foreseen, their efforts were rewarded with a mountain of gold coins. They were on all the talk shows: Shrieking Announcer: It's time for "Morning Overload"! With your host, Dick Riculous! Dick: Folks, say hello to the one and only Aunt Panorama! . . . I can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you and all your little friends on the show with us today! Aunt Panorama: Thank you, Dick! Dick: I couldn't help noticing there, that you were borne in by a huge swarm of ants! Do they carry you everywhere you go, lying down like that? Aunt Panorama: Goodness no, Dick . . . certainly not! Dick: Well, they must by very devoted to you! Let's talk about some of your more recent extravaganzas . . . casts of hundreds of thousands of players! How about your reconstructions of historical events . . .coronations . . .sieges . . . the . . the Siege of Stalingrad in a frozen food locker! Remarkable!" Aunt Panorama: Thank you!" Dick: And the naval battles! And floods! And what about your Metropolitan Earthquake Series?! Incredible! All those little ants, fleeing for their little lives, clutching tiny bundles, wearing little life preservers! And that remarkably expressive make-up! Why, it must take a very steady hand and an eentsy-beentsy brush! And how long did it take them to learn to walk on their hind legs like that?" Aunt Panorama: Well, Gordon . . . making up a million ants for one of those wartime romance and aerial bombing of the kind that are so popular these days, you know, well, let's see . . the whole city is constructed out of leaf-mould, twigs, cellophane, scraps of aluminum foil . . . Whole thing takes about a day. Dick: Whuh! One day!? You mean . . . one day? You can’t be serious! Aunt Panorama: Yes, of course! I know my ant friends to be enormously resourceful little devils and dear pals, as well as being a fine means of locomotion. They quickly learned to apply their own make-up and build their own sets! Dick: What? You mean everything? The Taj Mahal? Aunt Panorama: Yes, certainly! Dick: Yankee Stadium in your version of "Pride of the Yankees: The Lou Gehrig Story?" Aunt Panorama: Of course! And today we're working on a reconstruction of VE Day on Manhattan Island at the end of World War Two! Real happy stuff! Not so much like some of these catastrophes my sponsors and producers keep insisting! on! They say that nowadays nobody will settle for anything less that the Irish Potato Famine or the Titanic going down or something! Dick: Well, be that as it may, Aunt P., most people think of ants as just a lot of little troublemakers; I'm like most people, I guess . . . I hate ants! I don't mind at all seeing 'em get blown up, or machine-gunned down, or buried under molten lava! So . . . keep up the good work! Narrator: Later, Aunt Panorama mulled over the interviewer's remarks. Aunt Panorama: Hmmm . . . my contract does bind us to accept subjects and themes which have been shown to appeal to the viewing public. I think it is time for a little talk. Come, Three-Pants!

"And no matter what happens, it won't hurt at all! (Dr. Philip Nice, psychiatrist) Nutman! Insane Super Hero! Of all the incredible chracters in the history of twentieth century crime fighting, of all the distinctive personalities that have come and gone since Superman . . . none was stranger, none's story weirder, non could have been      more uniquely bizarre than one man. And now. . . Broilings All-Aluminum Foil Breakfast Flakes proudly presents                                           The Amazing Adventures Of Nutman! Insane Super Hero!  

“But listen up oh Vegetation! We are all the same tissue, we are the same moisture, the same peelings! Listen and assimilate, Mulchy Stuff! Hear us Old Roots and give us a strong current! Think of the sweet and pleasant gases we have given this wretch, who comes today to shear off our heads! Who seals up our pores and shellacs us over with his own foul gases - grotesque, oily structures . . . gases filled with choking lumps of wax that make the broad leaves wither and turn gray and black at the frost time, rather than brightening into fine vegetable red and vegetable gold! Think of the Poisonous Shriveler! His Wheeled Growlers and Smokers! Do you think he may someday feel his kinship with us? Is that what your expectation is? You imagine some Saturday will find him rushing out here to throw himself outstretched upon the lawn he calls his own, to cry . . . 'Friend! We are moisture together! Let me breathe my carbon dioxide on you!' Is that what you think!?" In the garage, Nostrils' mower roared into its version of life and the two of them prepared to clip the backyard."

Hurry, hurry hurry! Step right up,step right up! Who'll be next? Only costs a nickle! So hurry, hurry, hurry! He's unbelievable! He's amazing! He's elec-trifying! He's Electric Edward! Here he is, folks . . . your opportunity to experience, first hand, the wonder of the new Age of Electricity! Yes! That ethereal fluid that flows through the earth like a great dragon! Step right up, folks, and grasp the lightning from the sky . . . if you dare try! Feel that primeval power for yourselves! Produced for you upon this stage by means of a harmonious blending of beauty and efficiency. . . a gracefully woven sphere of gleaming copper wire which we set to spin inside a perfectly circular ring of magnets! Touch the lightning from the sky! If you dare try! Step up,step up and take him by ythe hand. . . if you can! Who'll be next? Who'll be next? Only costs a nickle! These elemental bolts will make your hair stand on end! your eyes will bug out, your body will tremble violently all over! It's wonderful!! So . . . who'll be next? Hi, there, young man! Only costs a nickle! Thanks, son! Now . . . all you have to do is . . .step up to Edward here . . walk up to him, that's right! Now, grasp him firmly by the hand and say, “Hello, Edward!” while I pull this switch! Ready? Here we go! (SFX Voice: “Hello, Edwa . . .” cut off by a loud crackling burst of humming electricity) There were a few seconds of electrical humming and crackling, an eerie blue light of jumping sparks, and the strong tang of ozone.

(SFX wind rising and falling for several seconds - a rainstorm begins) Narrator (begins slowly in a soft, deep voice): Far above a dark river, at the top of a towering cathedral wall, sits a stone sculpture of something. It might be a winged ape resting its chin in its hands. The gears of the sun run the course of the seasons over and over; rain and hard weather come and go. Year after year the ape’s expression softens. (SFX Rainstorm fades slowly during following lines) On a warm June night, a storm rages over the ancient city. The howling wind whips hard rain against the ape’s eyes. . . and from behind those eyes, a thickly insulated germ of awareness listens, straining to hear the murmuring of unknown clockworks in the sub-foundation, in a hidden chamber. Old gears are coming around at last to the end of another cycle. . . only one unpolished tooth away from completing an ancient round. Then the final cog on the smallest wheel clicks into place . . . and a little hammer comes down sharply upon a tarnished silver bell. The clear tone is carried op the great stone wall . . . . (SFX Silvery bell tone) . . . to the waiting figure, hunched over a drain, to the little murmur in the center of the gargoyle’s head. There is a crackling, crunching sound. . . and a little grinding noise. (SFX Rock surfaces grinding together) The head. . . wasn’t it. . . looking straight out. . . just a moment ago?

I had never seen Holmes like this! We had been called in to investigate the disappearance of the great Frothingbroth Collection of jewels from the safe in Lady Frothingbroth's boudoir. We had already made several startling and bizarre discoveries when, suddenly, we heard Sir AnthonyFrothingbroth's desperate cry for help from behind the locked door to his study. Again and again we hurled ourselves against the massive oak door, vainly trying to burst the lock, until Holmes's sharp eye noticed a key protruding from the keyhole. “Hello!” said Holmes, turning the key, “Quickly, Watson, we have no time to lose!”

Host: Bob . . . you live and work right here in Chicagoland, don't you? Bob: Yes, Dick, that's right, as you well know . . . I'm an ornamental gargoyle for an exclusive office building. Host: Wow! That sounds like a pretty challenging job! You'd have to hold still for long periods of time, wouldn't you? Bob: I do, yeah. I'm on the fourth floor, but that's never been a problem with me, holding still. I got a cousin who's on the thirty-ninth floor of a building down town. He gets away with w-a-a-y more than I do. Scratching, stretching. Taking occasional naps. Nobody ever notices because he's up so high. Me, I'm twelve feet from a long window with desks and chairs and humans! At night I get a little more leeway, but people look at me all day. Look, If I wasn't supposed to be looked at they wouldn't have put me there. But, like I say it's never been a problem. Until you came along. Host: To tell you the truth, Bob, I'm kinda surpriesed to hear that there really are such things as goblins at all. I've always understood that goblins were strictly fictional. Bob: Well, there you go. And we were kinda hopin' to keep it that way.

Bob Kartoffelkopf: Hi! We're back! With another heaping helping of everybody's favorite AM viewing habit . . . 'Morning Overload' This morning we're going to take a few more shots at that age-old question has earth been invaded from outer space? Well, let's just take a look at the facts . . . Yes, it has! And we are very pleased to have with us here today, in a microscope, magnified hundreds of times . . here he is . . . the diplomatic spearhead of an enormous invading colony of billions of intelligent yeast micro organisms from outer space! . . . Ambassador Candido! Ambassador?` Ambassador: Thank you, Bob! Bob: You are from outer space? Ambassador: Yes, that's correct! Bob: And you're invading the planet earth? Ambassador: Yes, that's right! Bob: Well, you're certainly being very upfront about it! Ambassador: Thank you! Bob: Tell me, Mr. Ambassador . . . Is it true that you kidnapped a human being?

Host: Tell us a bit about the course in Dream Management you took last year. It seems to have made a big difference in your life. Mr. Zeeze: Yes, indeed! Though they don't call it Dream Management. It's "Lucid Dreaming." And that's pretty much just what it is. You know that you're dreaming while you dream and you eventually learn how to control everything that happens to you in the dream. Host: You learned how to control what happens to you in your dreams? Mr. Zeeze:Yeah! And the course wasn't all that hard, either. I kept a dream journal, though I've fallen out of the habit of making entries. But while I was taking the course, I never missed a day. It works! After a while, you learn how to take control of what happens in your dreams while you’re dreaming 'em. You can change how things turn out. The train disappears, the linoleum corridor turns into a garden of delights, the math test is cancelled. You dream your way out of any jams you get into. And eventually, anything you want. . . that you can dream of. . . you can have. (Beat) Host: That's a pretty remarkable claim! And maybe just a little . . . Mr. Zeeze: Yeah, I know it sounds crazy. I think so, too. It is crazy, I can’t argue with that. But, after awhile, I’m telling you, I couldn’t wait fall asleep. And it isn’t just the sex. No, I honestly used to look forward to whatever darned thing happened to me next. This, for example, I’m really enjoying!

I was a witness to one of these raids. It took place on a Sunday afternoon; I was tipped off and sat waiting in my car. The operation began very suddenly, abruptly, out in the parking lot of the mall. An eighteen wheeler entered the lot, but instead of slowing down as it approaches the core building, it accelerated and skidded sideways, slamming to a stop in front of the main entrance to the mall. But before it had come to a complete stop, just as it was beginning to slow down, doors pop open on the trailer, the two sides and in back, and steel ramps came sliding out to grate, rasp, and rattle like slithery silver tongues with steely bell-like tones. And down the ramps come about twelve powerful wheelchairs, very fast. The chairs are equipped with a kind of an air brush on a crane, and a sheet metal template of the handicap parking symbol. It was like nothing I'd ever seen before. It seemed like everything was happening at high speed, like in a speeded-up film projector. Later I figured that they'd each sprayed about ten parking spaces in a little over two minutes, so they averaged about one space every twelve seconds. Then, boom, they were out of there. The big rig took off like a jack rabbit. People started getting used to seeing that handicap parking symbol every time they turned around. And of course, the trick became to become more and more audacious in choice of targets.

(DUCK IS TRYING TO BE REASONABLE) Well, it's none of my business, of course, and its's really only my opinion ... but . . . it seems a shame for you humans to mess up your environment like this! (PADLOCK RANTS AND RAVES) AHA!! My environment! I KNEW you were going to get around to "my environment!" Well, I'm sick and tired of hearing about my environment, see! I'm not gonna be intimidated! You wanna tell me about how fast all the countries of the world are filling up with people? I don't want to hear about it!! You say I got strange chemicals building up in my body tissues? I dontr want to hear about my body tissues!! Look, duck ... 1 got enough stuff to worry about Without worrying about the environment! I gotta get up every morning and go to work! Besides, we got people in the government who worry about the environment, and they're doin' OK, they're fixin' it up and keepin' it clean, you know, keepin' the bugs off it!

Narrator: This is the terrible story of a tornado chaser show. Or rather, two tornado chaser shows. The earlier of the two shows, the original, was an old style tornado chaser show on the Science Channel. It had actual humans, Steve and Eddie, in the front seat of the chaser car so there was a special appeal because of the possible danger. But you knew no one was really going to get hurt. Still, it was great to see and hear those big storms. One day, another channel, the Technology Network, decided to make tornado chasing more of a competition by introducing . . . a driverless car. Now the producers of the first show were worried. The new show was amazing. No humans in it, just the car. These driverless cars were programmable, though only up to a point. They could get closer to a tornado than any human driven car, but they were pretty much uncontrollable. They used sophisticated sound sensing, allowing the car to follow the roar of the tornado so they could skirt along the path of the rotating storm, getting closer and closer. . . long enough for some great video recording. But sometimes, the car would get too close and cross some kind of invisible line into the area where the tornado's vacuum pressure would sieze it, tug at it, draw it in, lift it way up into the air and destroy it. It looked pretty incredible when it happened, especially since it was repeatedly replayed in slow motion . . . though anything recognizable vanished almost instantly and the visual feed immediately became only dark, roaring dirt and debris. It was great.

NEB'S CAVE 22 mins Once upon a time, a long, long time ago . . . before people began to unwrap their food, or even to write everything down properly ... there lived a mighty king named Nebuchadnezzar and everyone in his kingdom thought he was one heck of a king and a fine fellow, too! He did everything a king was supposed to do, and he did it with style. He had a big golden throne that he sat around on all day. He watched parades from his balcony ... he had people's heads chopped off out on the patio. Everything he did, well. .. it was just right. "King of kings!" people used to call him ... "Peacock of the universe!" they'd say. "Cleaner than Clean!" Ahh! He'd like that a lot! And when someone addressed him in this way, he'd nod and smile Well, this would go on all day sometimes and before you knew it, it would be bedtime. "Not bad!" thought King Neb, "Not a bad way to live! Not bad at all!"

When Mr. Unsoveiter walks to work, he crosses the river at about ten minutes to six. One predawn early morning on a brightening spring day, he paused in the middle of the bridge and leaned his forearms on the railing. He stood there for a minute and looked down at the mist layering the river. There was sound rising from below, the gurgling splashing channels through broken concrete and other debris. He leaned over the rail and peered down into the dark moving water. As the sun began to break over the bushy green hill, he was very surprised to see a face smiling up at him. " Hmm? What a relaxed, cheerful looking guy!" thought Mr. *Unsoveiter. "What's he doing down there?" As he peered more closely, the mist closed in again around the pillars of the bridge and the face faded. Time to go, so he began to shift his weight back to a standing position, when a tear in the mist came floating by and the cheerful guy was there again, just for half a second. Just long enough to say "Hi!" and he certainly looked as if he would have, if he hadn't been under two feet of water. Mr. Unsoveiter froze. His heart began to pound in his chest.