Commute Diary

After a long hiatus from recording, I had a journal entry I felt compelled to share. Why? I don't even know.

Talking about painful topics,learning how to be a friend when you've been the worst possible friend, and finding her own empathy in the midst of pain. Hope tastes like Oreos.

On depression, in-patient therapy, unconditional love, and Hello Fresh litter.

Where do you balance what you have done to hurt your partner vs. the wounds she brought in. Does it matter? Or is our duty to love someone unconditionally as a hypothetical god would do?

Discussion of anti-racism devolves into shame for having neglected my family.

Stories we tell ourselves, and what individual therapists can learn from couples counselors.

Are you a leader or follower? Most of us are a little of both. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

A peaceful morning reflecting on peace, meta, I know. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

When are you most spontaneous? I discuss vacation planning, date nights, and when it listen back I start to think: “am I really a control freak?” --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

My first journal entry was pretty raw and unfiltered and I apologize for the disturbing images it might evoke. Further entries will be tamer. Maybe. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

Cathy's IOP is “meh”, business is booming, marriage is healing, still need to start a proper podcast.

Cath and I'll have been dealing with the pain and trauma of my years of betrayal and dishonesty. We love each other and want to make it work, so are working on ourselves and our marriage. Today she goes for a medication management appointment to see if there is a better antidepressant for her needs. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

Acknowledge and share your darkness. It gives others the permission to do the same and it's freeing. Also, scavenger hunt! --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

Dealing with conspiracy theories and intrusive thoughts. Response to fellow podcaster.

Thinking about going away from the belly-button gazing to do a podcast with more interesting content.

Final thoughts on nurturing. It shouldn't be scary. Be kind to yourself. Also, I think I'm on the spectrum. And I feel ok about it. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

Gratitude focus on people who have shown us kindness. My wife is an inspiration. She has suffered so much from my choices and yet still finds joy in her work with animals, and is determined to make our lives together work. She is my best friend, and I am hers. Merry Christmas! --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

Nice romantic date. Nice to be relearning each other after 31 years. Great conversation, mediocre food, 5 stars.

To the sex and love addict, a nurturing façade can be a weapon to manipulate others. Part of the “nice guy” syndrome that says if we get along and don't cause waves, we'll get our needs met. Instead, let's focus on honesty with others, and practice sincere nurturing with those we love and truly need our connection. Also, Kevin is re-learning math. He chats aimlessly about electromagnetic field problems and calculus 3. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

Thoughts on attachment style (opposites tragically attract), being raised by a narcissist father and having limited opportunity to build a relationship with mom. Nurturing - not my strong suit, but willing to learn. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

Nurturing can be genuine or strained and false. What is the line? More questions than answers, as usual. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

Just thinking about by therapist and my dad. I need to keep a promise I made to have a final check-in with my therapist before going off with no more regular visits. And considering talking to my estranged father before his dementia gets any worse.

My weird life. We are headed down to the Austin area to rehome a yearling buck whitetail deer that has been living with us, and have Thanksgiving with all the kids, gathering at the home of our oldest. After TG, I'll head home alone to hold down the fort for two weeks while Cathy stays to help with the baby.

Today the boss asked me (again) to consider buying the business. Very interested, but I'd have to cobble together a down payment. And convince my wife.

More along the lines of “Why do you love me?” Comparing being “in love” as a young emotionally stunted child with truly surrendering and loving another individual unconditionally. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

Starting a week-long series of meditations on nurturing. Caring for others and yourself. A story about a time I was less than nurturing. And a joy-filled night and morning. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

In sum, take better care of yourself, and enjoy it! There is no fun in living to work, being at the mercy of others in your life, and generally just letting yourself be pushed through life. That's a recipe for disaster. The alternative is to pick out areas where you are not taking care of basic needs and start improving them! --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

Self care includes making and maintaining friendships. This is friggin' hard, especially in adulthood. One way to put your toe in the water is to schedule some one-on-one time with someone you (think you) know well, like an adult child, or a sibling, and then gradually introduce someone else into the mix so you have comfort and familiarity on one hand and new opportunities for friendship on the other. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

I hate to get political, but please take down your Trump flags. It's over.

Today felt very special. Cathy and I have been through a lot and it seems like we are falling in love all over again. We got up early to do some bookkeeping talk. She wants to learn to get a better handle on her business numbers so she can get this thing profitable before the PPP loan money runs out. Working together was an informal therapy session for both of us. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

They seem to be made for stepping on.

How do you come back from betrayal? How do you help the betrayed when you have lost so much trust? Love is patient.

More on self care and the continuation of my urological situation. And a listener contacted me - thanks for the kind feedback! --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

Thoughts on self care and the tendency toward workaholism. Working for unhealthy need for approval. In my new career, same opportunity and temptation exists, need to stay grounded. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

Self care includes your health, your more of transportation, living with your values of honesty and kindness, and more. Prostate exam went fine, by the way. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

This week our value is self care. Taking care of your money, health, time, relationships, boundaries, etc. Join me as I get sidetracked on urology and asserting yourself and why codependent people are sometimes described as “wantless and needless”. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

Closest I've come to prayer. My wife is having a breast mass examined by ultrasound and it's all I. An think about this morning. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

Thank God, we're almost done with the prayer chapter. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

Today I ramble about the different types of LED tubes available for fluorescent fixtures and rewiring requirements of each. Plus a little about color temperature of lighting choices for your home. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

A recovery prayer with some good stuff in it. Letting go of the self is the hardest thing for a narcissist, but I think a true narcissist wouldn't even hold that up as a goal. So that gives me hope. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

More on prayer, and why I find it hard to get motivated to talk about prayer. Arrival of our grandson, helping with Halloween on the farm, and rejoicing in recovery and rebuilding (building?) the relationship with my wife. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

Prayer as self care, and why do we always put ourselves last? --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

Let's talk a little about prayer for non-believers. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

Prayer for atheists. Drive-in movie and playing with an FM transmitter. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

Last meditation on gratitude. Several diary entries over a couple days around family, home brewing, and the family farm. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app