No Rangers Allowed

In our inaugural episode, we prologue with our actual first session which recording was completely deleted due to gross incompetence. What follows is conversations: with a nice tea laundress, with a root vegetable-obsessed undead river sorceress, with a giant drug dealing spider grandma. We try not to kill things unless we really have to, mostly because we suck and would probably die. Join us at www.selectbutton.net

The gang meets Grinkelstink Grumpkin, hairfancier and writer of erotic undead fanfic, as well as expert in apocrypha, burgeoning social revolutionary, and all around good guy. All clues regarding our Tsathoggua problem lead to the Ravenlocks' ostentatious burial mound. Ven's feline fixation notwithstanding, our descent begins.

Depths are plumbed. Tsathoggua is revealed, and is much more adorable than imagined. A reckoning with the town cult is inevitable. Can our heroes avoid slaughtering pretty much every named character they've encountered and depopulating the entire village?

The villagers have awoken from their adorable puppydog-induced slumber, but danger yet threatens. Ven fulfills his destiny with explosive panache. Honeydew fulfills his with a fair bit more porcine romance. Our heroes grieve, recoup, and bask in some well-deserved accolades, but the stormcloud of Authority gathers on the horizon... ft. Ax Felix & Tokyo Rude

The Heroes of Tumford dust themselves off from their gritty victory in the Barrows. Spirits are high, but not everyone in town is undamaged. Leads are chased, biographies are written and riveted mail is painstakingly handcrafted during the seven days of downtime. We end with a cliffhanger regarding the fate of one of our band - but it'll still be two days til we say we're sorry.

Our heroes must rescue one of their number, the devout Ven Ryefort, from certain doom. The sands run through the hourglass as they attempt to discover the secrets of the barrow where he is trapped before he is seized by the stygian hand of death. Can they uncover the Irtyan conspiracy that lies at the heart of this gravemound? Mostly, kind of. Guest starring a humongous fungus among us.

Ven having been rescued from the grim clutches of death, our heroes return to the light and experience the cosmopolitan delights of the Tumford Millennial Faire. Leaf merchants are interrogated; sheriffs are elected; charlatans are karmically counter-swindled; hogs are beautified. Perhaps most importantly, our heroes smell adventure on the horizon, and begin to make overtures of leaving sleepy (though no longer so somnolent, perhaps) Tumford for points south.

Meet Fatgris. He controls lightning, he's depressed, and he loves to party. He's also something of a straightedge, which is a recipe for unpopularity in Gabbalusian Tumford, home of leaf merchants, spider juices and facial spores alike. With an elven Narnia portal lurking, God knows what remaining in the market, and the mysteries of the South beckoning, can our heroes resolve these 8000 quest hooks before they break out to the wider world?

The party learns the unnecessarily real rules to the revenants' ancient dice game, but Fatgris' plans for mathematical domination of the table are interrupted early by the characteristically loud arrival of our favorite conman. Tempers flare, and what begins as a noble attempt to defend Fatgris' honor escalates almost out of control. One last javelin could have ended it forever - but murder isn't in our heroes' blood, and now a nemesis lurks, seeking revenge...

"We're all going to die one day. May as well die a weird death." Our heroes spread out through the Market Festival and seriously get some shit done. Areas north, east, south and west are discussed, and a plan for striking out into the wider world is fully developed. We learn of the Old King, suspended in mortal superposition, and guess at ye olde Creepy Spike's contribution to resolving his Heisenbergian dilemma. And many other feats besides! Featuring roboTulpa, Samson ASMR, and a really unfortunate fake Hatsune Miku Stones cover. We have a Patreon now! Please consider contributing: https://www.patreon.com/norangersallowed   ~~smoke weed everyday~~

Do you think there is life on the moon - and if there is life, is there love? After a truly stupendous amount of buildup, the gang hoots n hollers its way through shoving noble Bartholomew out of obscurity and into Tumford legend. No interference is brooked; no nos are taken for answers. Featuring a small struggle sesh with Tulpa's minor DMing insecurities. (Tell Tulpa how great they are at DMing, guys.)

Though the importance of new revelations about the true nature of the Spooky Spike can't be overstated, the adventure takes another great leap forward as the gang, for the first time, venture as a unit beyond the warm comfort of Tumford. They find themselves in a mysterious and hostile alien land. Druids are revealed as undercover cyberpunk transhumanists. We witness the birth of Tiger Schulmann's Holy Katana of Vengeance. Battered and bloodied, can our heroes find their way home?

In between theoretical discussions of binary planet cosmogeny, the party further learns that corrupted Elf Isle is really a pretty shit place. Despite some halfhearted efforts to keep watch, Mab, all innocence and light, is stolen away in the night. Now there is one question urgent above all others: Where's the Girl?

Mostly, we fight snakes. Envenomed and close to death, BJ becomes a rage monster. Honeydew, 4 levels and 14 episodes in, finally gets to Thunderwave. And our DM learns a little something about inspiration. Also, it turns out we're on the hematothurgical research island of a mad king but we already knew this place sucked so what else is new. WARNING: this episode features an attempt to represent the subjective experience of BJ not-tolerating a Gorm monologue

Pies, prog, and Peruvian panpipes. A horse accidentally named Horse bromances BJ and reveals new secrets of Gorm's past. His dick is an open question. But nevermind: into the depths of Vittorik the party must descend. Mab still must be saved and the encroaching Nothing dispelled. And one halfling has the power to open the hearts of man and fish alike.

The gang's MIT degree really pays for itself. With the fish and shark people being drawn slowly into revolutionary fervor (and elf porn), our heroes uncover more sinister features of the Vittorik hemomancy facility, as well as an experimental hazardous environment armor. But they also find something more important than magical baubles: friendship.

A very manually-centric episode, involving little grabby hands, fishmittens, and alien Mars Reactor-esque power pedestals. The party falls under a hilarious curse, divers in its effect, but still finds time to discover ancient secrets about The Seed nee The Egg, as well as foment the piscine communist revolution. Meanwhile Honeydew says a lot of stuff about aluminum and electrolysis? A lot happens in this one is what I'm saying.

The party begins to peel back the layers of the dark underbelly of the Egg. Valorous battle is entered: BJ uses filthy ninjitsu; Bernie employs, and immediately breaks, what she affectionately calls her Warbags; and Ven rends the darkness with a megachurch Cuisinart. Honeydew's claustrophobia interrupts the spoofs and goofs, however, and the party barely begins to deal with the presence of a new darkness before a newer, even darker, darkness is revealed...

A CLIMAX. The party begins by solving Rivenesque puzzles to unlock interplanetary secrets. Irtya is even more than she has seemed, but before the party can understand the cosmological significance of these partial revelations, the Dragon in the Basement is unleashed. Our heroes fight both monsters and the clock as they struggle to evacuate the Egg. But not every comrade will make it. Sometimes, to save the lives of others, a sacrifice is required.

The party has a TMNT (original live-action movie version) spiritual experience with the ghost of their friend(?) Gorm, but have no time to properly grieve before set upon by a pack of bandits and their mincing leader. When they part ways, the party is laser focused on the twin goals of Revenge and Escape - until someone offers to give BJ a bath. That's worth a sidequest.

A brightly-colored group of decidedly non-rangerous disciples give the party pause. Ven and Honeydew argue over the sentinels' intentions, but the benefit of the doubt gives way to actual doubt, which belies the devotional structure of the little lake civilization. What follows is pure hircine vengeance, terrifying to behold. Later, we find that the collapse of elven society has had further-reaching effects than previously thought.

So there's technically plenty of adventure in this episode - adorable puzzle weasels, Irtian revelations, a dangerous reconnoiter into a bizarre town to organize a rescue mission, and even a brush with nobility - but, let's be honest, mostly it's about hair.

There is a disagreement regarding Ven's insecurities and the party's abuse of his naive trust. Only a sucking, slurping, whispering void of ASMR can rescue the party from this damning lack of esprit de corps. It ends in fire, as our disagreements tend to do. Due to technical difficulties, Miles wears BJ's skin. Sorry.

Peripheral contact with the dreaded Riddle Weasel is not enough to keep our party from their prey, and BJ from his bloody destiny. Bernie rolls triple sixes, proving that this is truly Satan's game. But it's not all fun and games; grim revenge casts a dark cloud over the party, one that threatens to open old wounds, and make new ones.

The party makes a moonroof to imbue their sweet rhymes with astronomical significance. There are some very bad plants, and some very good plants. The gang discovers a treasure trove, both literally and metaphorically, and encounters a brief history of perversion, as well as a longer history of more important matters. No real progress towards processing the trauma of watching a horseman being beaten into paste occurs.

A very special bonus episode of No Rangers Allowed. The gang is together! Like in the real life! We take the opportunity to play a one-shot of Swords Without Master, a wonderful system of narrative manipulation. Turns out we are all just as ridiculous face to face as we are on the internet.

The party faces the Thanksgiving racist uncle conundrum: what to do when the doddering and talented old castle gardener is also 100% in the tank for pro-necromancer conspiracy theories? BJ deals with it the way we all wish we could, but before the party can take the post-turkey snooze they desperately need, they are set upon by the salad. Also: extended discussion of them feet.

In this NoRA gaiden, the DM shoe is on the other foot as shrug runs tulpa and guest star Clint through a "one"(three)-shot of Wield, a game by John Wick (the legendary game designer, not the Keanu redeemed killer) about the sorcerous will that powers legendary magical artifacts. Graciously edited by the talented Clint, whose Snexploration podcast you should check out if you like funny people and old videogames and, improbably, shrug.

The party takes a well-deserved rest, but Bernie pisses the night away. In the morning, chores need doing: uncursing elves, talking to frustrated professor spirits, swimming in trash, you know the deal. Our heroes' travails leave them with due reward: an orb full of dragon cum?? (NO, it is NOT)

Old friends are reunited. The beginnings of a revolution have begun to coalesce in Fort Chetverg. But it is not without its costs, including a Korpseo and BJ face-tanking traps. Can a motet for three voices tip the balance? Also, fictional AND real life war crimes!

We begin with some truly pointless nonsense, which can only be summarized as poop crimes. After the creation and discussion of some magical artifacts in preparation, the party finally begins its trek to the long-foreshadowed Tower. But the forest contains unforseen memory mysteries, and we discover that only with the help of the manticores (and the ladycores) may our heroes continue their quest. Also I'm supposed to put some sex stuff in here, since we figured out that's what gets you sickos to download episodes. Sex!

The party considers some bizarre physiologies, starting with a 90's starlet alzabo-Frankenstein and ending with Halfling cloacas. Eventually they stop goofing around and enter the mind palace, which turns out to be completely built out of elves. Allegedly this isn't a sex thing. BJ and Honeydew get completely blasted, thus transmorphing a literal sleeping giant first into Guy Fieri and then into Tex Wasabi.

An old friend delivers a passive-aggressive judgment upon the party's less than perfect ally retention rate. Honeydew handles his snake so expertly it'd make Moses blush. The gang goes down a reliquary K-hole and ends up teaching a hungry beast the meaning of explicit consent, but not before learning how to skink in the traditional halfling fashion. Bernie's real cagey about her past, for some reason, the little imp.

Anti-illusion haircuts are tough on an edge, so a quest for a whetstone leads our heroes into the kitchen of the skinking club, where BJ finally defeats his hangover with the aid of a magical spring. A harrowing encounter with a staircase leads to a not so harrowing encounter with a giant and not terribly verbal moth. Finally, catching up with an old friend leaves Ven with hair that's the envy of the 'hood. Also, a Wilhelm scream competition and Sex-type Pokemon are weak to Bug.

The party founds an impromptu clan and picks gamertags in order to play a game with a guy who is definitely not Jokkmokk. The Official Office Space Roleplaying System turns out to be a subtle commentary on eco-gnomics and the basic injustice of wage slavery which is also necromancy. Bernie's full name is Bearnaise Anders. Then there are some problems with a ladder.

An evening bookended by birds. Three separate huge frickin' birds. In the middle, the party melts plastic materials to find magic items, we find out that the late Haesto was a mangaka, and shrug gets horny for Christopher Meloni. I guess also the gang frees an elf goddess and finds out a huge amount of world-shattering information but that's not as important.

Boy, this episode seems short! you might say. And you'd be entirely right! I screwed up. I screwed up big! But the party didn't. They did great. They rubbed a cat on a beautiful man to save the soul of elvenkind.

The... Barty Party? Yeah, we gotta work on that -- resolves elf/fish tensions, at both the vulgar and elite levels. Work is completed on an obscene siege float. Captain Cha delivers a rousing speech of comraderie and fraternity, throwing our heroes at a sea of robot elves and their twisted vegan commander. There's only one way this can end: crushed by a statuesque elf butt.

The gang's well-deserved victory lap. Mab the Pieromancer stays behind in now idyllic Chetverg, home to the triple race alliance. Magic items abound. Bartholomew imbibes the light of wisdom. The party prepares to return to home planet Digna. They don't know where they will be or how long it's been, but they know one thing: be excellent to each other. Party on dudes!

The gang returns to literally sleepy Tumford only to face an infestation of g-g-g-g-ghosts! BJ is possessed and the only cure is Honeydew smashing him with a flaming Donghammer. Shrug considers historical diamond dust production. Bald Wendol is faithless towards his cabbages, and then makes a stupid deal with Honeydew that ends up consuming his character for like the next 20 sessions.

Impositions from the outside world remind the bozos that they have a lot of jobs to do, and they spend some time figuring out the order they should do them. Imbued with new resolve, they march off to find Fatgris and the Azure Company only to immediately be split three ways on silly escapades. Honeydew's cow obsession begins in earnest.

The party is split in two, divided by a strange wall of mist that no one else seems to recognize. Honeydew and Bernie have a nice vacation with a dinosaur. BJ and Ven find Fatgris, open a door in the worst possible way, and prepare for battle with roofie bandits.

Bernie and Honeydew creep on Aioli with their characteristic brand of subtlety. BJ and Ven set spears to face some suspiciously powerful highwaymen. Will our heroes reunite in time to defeat these foes in unison? Do our heroes ever do anything in unison actually?

Our heroes end banditry in the countryside using the traditional method, rousing debate about the working class! With the bandits redirected, the party attends to more pressing matters: learning sick spells, summoning even cooler cats, and getting insanely high. How high? Wake up in the forest surrounded by chittering spider people high.

The party learns from a kindly spidermother that the pixies have been horning their way into the wood, jacking up rents and driving out the legacy residents. Honeydew learns that magical root-ink cannot but produce pro-pixie propaganda from his pen. Delving into this tuber dungeon, our heroes vow here as always to defeat the Gentrifier.

In the long-awaited return of Shrug's wield campaign, two lost souls wander around a tower while being manipulated by magical objects. Also the objects are alive and being played by the same people in real life. It's not as confusing as it sounds, I promise. Look forward to extreme beach volleyball against a titan, people turning into dragons, lots of genital-related puns thanks to a certain barbarian, and a pipe-who-is-also-a-stoner fulfilling his lifelong dream of...getting really high.