Self Published

Hey, hey, hey and welcome to Self Published Episode 9. I’m Aziza Kibibi and in this episode we are going to talk about the birds and the bees. Yes, yes y’all. We will be discussing the very thing that drives human kind. The very thing that leads to the creation of each and every one of us. The very thing that many just can’t seem to get enough of. Ssssex! And aside from the blog post topic being about sex and my own sexuality, you may be wondering “well Aziza, what does sex have to do with publishing a book?” And to you I will answer this… When it comes to making and marketing a product, the old adage is that sex sells. But often people take that way too literally. Sure seeing rippled six pack abs, glistening smooth skin or an ample bosom is eye catching, but often sex in imagery can be very subtle. So subtle in fact we may not even realize that is the reason why we are drawn to an ad, thumbnail, post or even a person at first.  Since the topic of my memoir Unashamed a life tainted addresses sexual deviance and trauma, I had a lot to consider when designing my book cover, (as I spoke about in episode 4), as well as marketing my book and even my public persona. But the thing with me is that I am proud of and I absolutely love…. me! And that include the parts of me that many may not find to their liking….or actually maybe too much to their liking which in turn makes them uncomfortable with there thoughts because…anyway, let me refocus before I get lost down that rabbit hole. My point is you can’t please everyone. And this episode is about learning how to please yourself and then acclimating your audience into your world. So without further ado, thank you for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind with… The Blog posthttps://unashamedanopenbook.blogspot.com/2014/01/the-birds-and-bees.html (January 18, 2014) THE BIRDS AND THE BEES One of the most challenging aspects of recovery for a survivor of sexual exploitation, is one’s perspective of sex I went through many stages in my sexual growth and it's safe to say I continue to go through them. As a little girl I was confused between the sensations I was feeling, if what was happening to me was right or wrong, fear, and the stress on my body. I have children and I know sexual exploration is a part of growing up, but to have it forced on you is traumatizing to say the least. By the time I reached puberty my father had pushed my body to the point that my physical senses were numb and my mentality was that him raping me was another one of my household chores. If I wanted to avoid being choked or punched while he had intercourse with me, it was best that I didn't fight.  I went from a little girl who's innocence and love for her father was used against her, to a teenager who's will had been broken to the point that she fit perfectly into the role created for her; to a grown woman with little identity of her own; sexual or otherwise. So what now? At twenty five years old I'd already been having sex most of my life; but I'd never had an orgasm, I didn't see sex as something that was suppose to be pleasurable for a woman, and I'd been trained to please one person.  When I was with my first, outside of my dad, I really wanted to express how I felt about him physically. We talked on the phone, spent time together and I told him what happened to me. I trusted him and when we kissed for the first time (one of the many things I hated doing with my father) my body ignited with sensations that I didn't know was possible. I wanted him, and I wanted him bad! But when the day finally came, it was a disaster.  As soon as I felt his penis, seventeen years of sexual abuse came flooding back. I didn't break down, I didn't bolt and I didn't refuse; I reverted back to the trained obedient little girl I grew up as, and I went through the motions of making this man cum. As soon as that happened, I felt nothing. No amazing sensation running through Support this podcast

What contributed to the stress I was under when I wrote S.O.S, is that many friends and suitors recently fell by the wayside. That is until they saw me on television. Intro : Hey, hey, hey. Welcome, welcome, welcome. I’m Aziza Kibibi and this is Self Published episode 8.  It doesn't matter how successful you are, no one reaches that success without the help of someone else.  I’ve been called an overachiever, hyper-ambitious, a know it all, a do it all…everything that you could label someone who has the passion and drive to achieve many goals and achieve them. This may all sound great but the truth is, its a lot of fricken pressure. When people know you through your successes and you have a reputation that you break through steel walls to get shit done, it piles on a lot of pressure. You find yourself in a spotlight that while it brings attention to your successes, it can also expose your failures. So when you’re struggling, you are afraid that asking for help may make you seem week or incapable.  I’ve struggled with this throughout my life and this blog I’m going to share with you talks more about how difficult that struggle really can be. So enough with the intro, thank you for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind with this next…. Blog posthttps://unashamedanopenbook.blogspot.com/2013/12/sos.html (December 28, 2013) S.O.S. I'm not sure if I should be blogging while I'm in this state of mind, but I'm going to anyway. I'm not usually one to pity myself; shit happens basically. I've had children looking up to me all my life. First my siblings; they depended on me to entertain them for the hours our parents weren't home, to figure out what to eat when I wasn't old enough to use the stove; to keep them focused when we had to do our homework and stop whichever baby from crying when our mother wasn't around to breastfeed. When I had my own children I had to do some of the same things, but on top of that be a better example of a mother than what my own was. And that included protecting my daughters from my father.  My father favored my children which also created animosity amongst everyone else. There were so many psychologically confusing dynamics in our family that it's made me somewhat of a pro at dealing with stress in my life today. In addition I feel like I have to project a certain level of togetherness and strength to those around me. I can count the times on one hand that my children have seen me cry. Eighty percent of the time that I'm sick, I still go to work and school. Depression is not an option and if I feel a rut coming on I get exercising, or writing. You may ask; what is your point Aziza? And my reply is: despite the fact that I am doing very well considering what my life has been, there are times that I need help. But I have a serious problem asking for it.  When my father came into my bedroom when I was nine, he'd tell me that telling my mother would make her go crazy and I'd never see her again. This was only one of the many lies he used to confuse his daughter to maintain control. After beating me because I tried to fight back when I was twelve, he said that my compliance gave him the strength to take care of the family. I became used to having a lot of responsibility with little assistance. There were decisions I had to make as a child that affected my entire family. And I was led to believe that if I asked for help, the result would end in someone else's peril or sacrifice.  Today, I don't want to put anyone out of their way, or have them inconvenience themselves for me. It's natural for me to put the needs of others in front of my own, but I have to convince myself that I'm deserving of the same treatment. Which is work in itself. So If I have a problem or a challenge, I pull up my boot straps, buckle down and handle my own business.  But just lately I've been feeling overwhelmed. There aren't enough hours in the... Support this podcast

This bonus episode includes a raw, uncut private conversation about child sexual, psychological and physical abuse based on the author's (me, Aziza Kibibi) experience in life. Yes, this was all part of the publishing process.  Disclaimer : I've had my fair share of accusations and judgments sharing my story publicly and being candid and raw with the things that myself and too many others have survived. If my skin wasn't thick enough, facing comments like "you liked it" and "you deserved it you slut" from cowards hiding behind a username and ambiguous profile picture has definitely added a few more layers. This interview with Damon not only prepared me for writing my book, but it helped me in getting ready to sit on the witness stand against my father. What you are about to listen to is a continuation of one of the frank, unedited (except for names to protect the identities of family) conversations between myself and Damon Diddit about the experience from a child's perspective being molested by their father. Listening back I can hear the hesitation in some of my retelling because I was editing myself. As raw and unfitted as what you are listening to is, I was doing my best to save Damon unnecessary discomfort. But I have learned through my career as an activist that you have to make people uncomfortable to bring attention to the cause. That being said, we are still processing this human experience and we are forever learning and growing. I hope you can derive something from this podcast that adds value to your life and help you discover your voice. Let me know how it goes. Transcript* Intro.Hey, hey, hey and welcome the third bonus episode of Self Publish. I’m Aziza Kibibi and I’m an author, an activist for the protections of women and children, a media personality, a chef a mom and a survivor. This bonus episode is a continuation from the interview with my friend Damon Diddit. I cannot stress enough the benefit of reviewing your personal experiences with the help of someone you trust, in preparation for writing a book. As I mentioned before, my books Unashamed a life tainted volume 1 and 2 took 4 years to complete the compilation of over 30 years of memories and experiences and create a literary work that would communicate a specific message in hopes that it enlighten, encourage, educate and inspire.  This part of the conversation between Damon and I candidly explores and describes in explicit detail, topics that may be triggering to some and titillating to others. Please listen with an open mind. We are spiritual beings having a human experience and I’d like you to consider how listening in on this private conversation that was not intended to be published, makes your feel. What thoughts does it inspire? Judgments? Criticisms? Compassion? As content creators we should take our audience into consideration. Even more so now having to keep Youtube and Instagram algorithms in mind. I would be honored if you would share your experience listening to this conversation. If you are bold enough, do include your thoughts and feelings in a review on apple Podcasts or Spotify. And if you would prefer more privacy, than please email me your input to aziza@azizakibibi.com Ok, ok, ok, now lets get into it. Thank you again for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind. Please allow me to reintroduce my friend Damon Diddit as he interviews me Aziza Kibibi back in 2012 in preparation for writing my memoir.  Ask/Invite/Announcements Hey you, just a quick reminder if you want to learn more about anything I share here, please I follow me on instagram and facebook and subscribe to my youtube page. Everything is Aziza Kibibi and for even more resources on abuse prevention and recovery for yourself or someone you know, go to http://PreciousLittleLadies.org (PreciousLittleLadies.org). where we strengthen the bond between mothers and daughters to combat child molestation, incestuous abuse, domestic... Support this podcast

In this episode I share with you my tried and true hacks on organizing and keeping track of ideas and information for your book, my experience going to school for the first time at 35 years old, and the aftermath of appearing on Katie. Intro Hey, hey, hey. I’m Aziza Kibibi and this is Self Published episode 7. In this episode I’m going to share with you my tried and true hacks on organizing and keeping track of ideas and information for your book, my experience going to school for the first time at 35 years old, and the aftermath of appearing on Katie. Yes, you’ll have to learn to take the good with the bad and get very comfortable with the mindset that there is no such thing as bad publicity. But first I’d like to make you aware that following me on instagram and facebook will give you access to more ideas and information, as well as some good old fashioned entertainment. And subscribing to my youtube channel and my website adds some cherries and whipped cream to the entire dessert that is Aziza Kibibi. Just saying lol.  Ok, without further ado, please allow me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind with…  The Blog post https://unashamedanopenbook.blogspot.com/2013/12/the-power-of-knowledge.html (December 14, 2013) THE POWER OF KNOWLEDGE I have one more day in my fall semester at http://www.essex.edu/ (Essex County College). I'm anxious about my grade in my most challenging class; French. I also took African American History II, Biology 101 and Cinema appreciation to go towards fulfilling my communications degree. I'm thinking about things like maintaining my grade point average, and what am I going to do after I graduate. There was a time I never thought I'd have concerns like making it to class in the morning, or getting an assignment submitted on time. And here I am a full fledge college student.  I sit in class on some days, distracted by the young adults around me sighing out loud in complaint of the Professor's homework assignment. It was frustrating for the progression of my African American history class to be hindered by students that didn't appreciate the opportunity to get an education. There we were, watching a film on the sacrifices people made to improve the quality of the educational system, and the young people watching were uninterested! I just didn't get it. If they only knew what it was like to want to go to school, and not be allowed to. My father homeschooled me until I was 11. Before he stopped teaching me, he promised that I would go to high-school. I looked forward to the day I'd walk through school doors and sit in a classroom with other students. Well, while under my father's rule, that day never came. By the time I was 14, my dad banned education among me and my siblings all together. Any teaching I did of my brothers and sisters, I did in secret. I had to worry about my father finding worksheets I created for my sisters to practice their handwriting. I got nervous any time he walked in on them reading a book. So when I watched a film in class on Fredrick Douglass, showing him sneaking around to learn to read, I became overwhelmed with emotion. That film and any others like it themed in slavery, connects to my life growing up on so many levels. Therefore it pains me to see others take the opportunity they have to get an education for granted.  Learning French gave me a better understanding of English. I've seen the inside of a frog up close and personal. I learned that the free school breakfast my kids eat in the morning, is thanks to a man named http://www.blackpanther.org/legacytwo.htm (Heuy P. Newton); and instead of just watching a film, I can't help but analyze the editing, cinematography and Mise-en-Scene. I didn't get the chance to walk through school doors and sit in a class room with other students until I was 35 years old. And most of the other students are my daughter's age. I may feel a little uncomfortable... Support this podcast

Hey, hey, hey and welcome to Self Published’s 2nd bonus episode.  I’m Aziza Kibibi and I’d like to use this episode as an opportunity to show my appreciation. My appreciation for you dear listener, for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind. I mean seriously, there are a lot of podcasts to listen to, television shows to watch, films to enjoy, books to read and you my love, have taken time out of your day to listen to me sharing my shameless journey to becoming a self made author. I’d also like to share my appreciation for Mark Asquath and the Captivate team for being so supportive and encouraging throughout the process of me creating and publishing this podcast. Captivate is the company where my podcast is hosted. I’d like to share sentiments of appreciation for my offspring/cohabitants for being quiet during the 4 hours I’m locked in my room recording. And though it’s often far and in between, I’m especially appreciative for the moments when my neighbors upstairs take a break from their forever project of trying to crash through my ceiling which happens to also be their floor. I really appreciate that. I appreciate my mic, my mixer, my computer and all the tools that I’ve been blessed to be able to purchase to produce this podcast. And I’m especially appreciative to my job and my other businesses that help fund this podcast. But what is appreciation exactly? According to the Merriam- Webster dictionary the definition of appreciation is….a feeling or expression of admiration, approval or gratitude; Judgement, evaluation.  But like many other words in the English language, the word appreciation could mean something different depending on who you talk to. For me, appreciation is the conscious acknowledgment of the contribution that someone or something has made to your life. And this conscious acknowledgment comes with a feeling, a vibe that then inspires you to manifest or express to the source of that contribution the feeling you feel, hence showing your appreciation.  Unfortunately this apparently doesn’t come easy to everyone. I’m not sure if it’s because people aren’t appreciative or they don’t feel it necessary to show appreciation. But I truly believe that if more people showed others their appreciation of them, there would be less sadness in the world. Let’s face it. No one is on an island alone. And if anyone who is, hello, they didn’t get their by themselves. Before I continue, lets get into a blogpost I wrote December 09, 2013. It’s called,  GIVING THANKSI look forward to the holiday season. I love to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family and I revel in the smiles that come after someone opens a gift I gave them for Christmas.  My father stopped us from celebrating holidays some time ago. I don't even remember exactly when, but I remember controversy between my dad and my mom's family surrounding Christmas, Easter and Kwanzaa every year. When my aunts tried to give me and my siblings Easter baskets, he didn't allow us to except them because he said they purchased them after Easter, when the baskets went on sale. Sometimes I was allowed to keep the toys my extended family gave me for Christmas; that is until my father threw them away before spring the next year.  Well, now that I have my own family, I make sure I make up for lost time.  My first Christmas after I got my children back from foster care, was especially memorable. I couldn't afford a Christmas tree so I bought a spiral "tree" made up of lights from the supermarket. I spent most of December that year checking the newspaper for community programs that were giving away presents to low income families. I made my way around to four different organization collecting wrapped boxes that said 'boy' or 'girl' so I could make the small space under our vertical light display overflow with boxes with items inside unknown to even me. I was determined to make my children's first Support this podcast

Mini Bonus episode update.  Hey you. I’m Aziza Kibibi and its my shameless journey of being a self made author that I’m so grateful you listen to on my podcast Self Published. Its been a hectic year but we are all pushing through. I have an update to my posting schedule I want to share starting with new episodes will be available on Wednesdays. Also, I’ll be posting episodes biweekly instead of weekly. One thing I’ve learned as an entrepreneur and content creator, is that very often, quality is more important than quantity. I want to allow myself time to bring you well thought out and produced podcast episodes and I simply cant do that rushing. So, while there will be less episodes in each month, you’ll still be getting the complete season plus bonus episodes! Yay! In addition, please take a listen to a podcast I was a guest on called https://open.spotify.com/episode/1ZE908YWIgTdj1unRuYhTX?si=MvANeikNS9WL-yLQ0WKURQ (Speaking of Crime). It’s a true crime podcast that analyzes different types of crime. They also share resources to crime victims. My interview with Jeff, Jia and John was a powerful experience. Make sure you check it out.  Again, thank you for your support and allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind.  Until next time.  Be blessed for you are a blessing.  Speaking of Crime: Featuring Aziza Kibibi- From Victim to Survivor Part 1 https://open.spotify.com/episode/1ZE908YWIgTdj1unRuYhTX?si=MvANeikNS9WL-yLQ0WKURQ (https://open.spotify.com/episode/1ZE908YWIgTdj1unRuYhTX?si=MvANeikNS9WL-yLQ0WKURQ) Speaking of Crime: Featuring Aziza Kibibi- From Victim to Survivor Part 2 https://open.spotify.com/episode/2DxmKwdlzb8gSZrwaMXOcA?si=k5Jyb0kvQVSMucvy_-9Hng (https://open.spotify.com/episode/2DxmKwdlzb8gSZrwaMXOcA?si=k5Jyb0kvQVSMucvy_-9Hng) Resources and Offers Sex abuse prevention and recovery: https://preciouslittleladies/ (https://preciouslittleladies).org https://www.captivate.fm/signup?ref=azizamcgillayinde (Click here If you'd like to start your own podcast.) https://www.pntrs.com/t/R0JJR01ISkpCR0ZNS0pGQkxNSU1L (Get your self-published book in Barns and Nobles, on Amazon and make it available to other retailers with these self publishing packages) Use code CARESSMYEARDRUMS at https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1 (https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1) for 11% off your purchase of Unashamed: a life tainted vol 1 & 2 Music by Yomoti via Epidemic Sounds. Support this podcast

Hey, hey, hey. And Welcome, welcome, welcome back to another episode of self published. I’m Aziza Kibibi and I would like to humbly thank you for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind. It’s not easy being your own boss. When you have a “superior” there are often consequences for slacking and not getting the job done; theres someone who holds you accountable. A certain amount of discipline is forced out of you because there is somebody to answer to. But, when you are your own boss, the only person to answer to is you. And between being your own worst enemy and your most favorite person; well, if you could conjure an image of what coming and going at the same time looks like, it just may just manifest as standing still. The ability to effectively motivate oneself can be as elusive as your shadow on a cloudy day.  And then throw in life events and friends and family who may not necessarily support you (of course I have some homegrown, fresh brewed tea to share on that later in the show)…we haven’t added the haters and competitors onto the list. It very often feels like you have more reasons to not achieve your goals than you have achieve them.  But you know what, it is not impossible, just stay th… you know what? Lets get into this blog post before I start preaching. The Blog postSeptember 5th, 2013 I HAVE A DREAM August 26, 2013 marked the 50th anniversary of the the day that Martin Luther King and 250,000 Americans, marched on Washington DC for jobs and freedom. Unfortunately do to my limited education, I didn't know much about the original event in 1963. I remember my father repeatedly playing a vinyl record of http://www.heavy.com/news/2013/08/watch-i-have-a-dream-speech-by-martin-luther-king-video-50th-anniversary/ (Dr. Martin Luther King's speech) on Lincoln Memorial when I was little. But at that time the significance wasn't explained to me. So prompted by a trip already planned by a friend, I decided to join him and the other anticipated 300,000 people, to see what the historic event was about. At 4:30 in the morning, myself and 3 others drove almost 5 hours to Washington DC to participate in the reenactment of a peaceful protest headed by one of America's most influential leaders, fifty years ago. My friend brought a painting he created himself titled "I am a Man", to make his own statement among a crowd of many. He received a lot of attention. People took pictures, requested interviews; he even gave a live interview to Fox5 news, as I stood and soaked it all in. I tried to imagine the strength that it took Dr. MLK to rally and inspire hundreds of thousands of people in an attempt to cause change in a society where African Americans were severely discriminated against. Was his dream so strong that he ignored all the risk and dangers associated with trying to bring it to reality? Was he initially alone in his plan to act? If so what about him personally inspired strength in others to do what he did and speak out for their cause? What about Mr. King made people follow and listen to his ideas enough to get up and out of their homes and put themselves out there? As I pondered these questions I began to feel alone in my own quest for change. See, my sisters, along with one of my brother's do not want to be associated with anything that I do to raise awareness for child sexual abuse, if it includes my life with my dad. I posted the link to the http://www.nj.com/passaic-county/index.ssf/2013/08/i_was_in_a_nightmare_impregnated_by_her_father_five_times_east_orange_woman_forges_forward.html (interview I did for NJ.com) on my personal Facebook timeline, and one of my sister's asked me to take it down. I understand and respect their privacy but I can't help but feel alone and in some ways abandoned in carrying this torch that will shine light on this terrible social deviance. On top of that, their position only reminds me of some of the tactics my... Support this podcast

Hey, hey, hey and welcome to another episode of me telling tales of my shameless journey towards becoming a self made author in the hopes it would help you navigate your publishing journey. This is episode 5 of Self Published ya’ll, and that means we are half way through the season. I know I don’t usually do this, but I want to talk a little bit about this episode.  As I shared in the last episode, I wear many hats. But being a mother is by far my favorite. I am a natural nurturer, and while my life could be used as a poster child for the nature verses nurture argument because I filled the role of a mom to my siblings from a very young age, I know that at the very core of me, even sometimes to a fault, the role of my soul is mothering. That’s just me. It is what it is. That being said, the blog we reminisce on today holds a special place in my publishing journey because it was inspired not only by my experience with my mother, but the challenges that many working moms face juggling career and motherhood.  When you’re a parent, every decision you make affects your offspring one way or another; and even more so as a single parent. Though my kids are essentially along for the ride in many parts of my life, my maternal instinct is to take into consideration how my journey affects them. And that’s when I make sure their wearing their seat belt. “Lol” Get it, along for the ride? Wearing a seat belt? lol. Oh….(transition from laugh to music”. The Blog Post.August 14th 2013 MATERNAL INSTINCT I love being a mother. I love everything about it. I enjoy being pregnant (after the morning sickness stage). I'm excited about giving birth. I adore breast feeding and I am passionate about raising children. I was given a lot of responsibility at a young age and I am the eldest of a whole lot of siblings, but even before my parents burdened me with the care of my brother's and sisters, I wanted to nurture them before I was old enough to know what the word meant. I brushed my brother's hair when he was a baby (I was two). I begged my mom for opportunities to change my little sister (I was four). And by the time I was nine, for hours my parents would leave me home alone with three children and an infant to take care of. I believe my maternal instinct is God given and not necessarily a conditioned behavior. On a daily basis I am surrounded by adults in progress; which include my own offspring, and aaaaalllll of their friends. I'm known to them as Mommy or 'Z', and my home is the place to go for advice, fresh cookies, or to take a load off. Z's house is also the only place that some parents on my block will allow their children to stay past their curfew. Now like any other human being, I have my https://youtu.be/rCeEBUbyviI (Calgon) moments, but I think my affinity towards and high tolerance of young people, is because I didn't really have a childhood of my own.  I remember when I was twelve, I asked my mother if because she and my father got married after I was born, did they only do so because she was pregnant. In my attempt to figure out why my parents treated me the way they did, I found it logical that my conception was the blame. I thought that maybe if I wasn't born, my parents would not have gotten married and none of what me and my siblings went through would have happened. My mother never answered, instead she told me to stop asking stupid questions. I've long given up that idea, and now my mother answers every question I ask her. Which brings me to the inquiry I posed to her tonight: After all that's happened, what does she feel could have encouraged her to protect her children from her husband? To which she couldn't respond. I told her to think about it and get back to me.  I’ve forgiven my mother. And though she's given excuses like fear and shame for her behavior, I have yet to learn why her maternal instincts didn't kick in.  When she gets back to me, I'll let you... Support this podcast

Hey, hey, hey. Welcome to the 4th episode of Self Published. I’m Aziza Kibibi and I want to thank you for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind with tales of my shameless journey of being a self made author.  It’s not been an easy journey to say the least. With little guidance on how to actually publish a book, I went through a lot of trial and error. But some would argue that’s the best way to learn. Nonetheless, my hope is that this podcast will help navigate you during your publishing journey. And if you aren’t particularly interested in sharing your stories, then I’ll be satisfied with satisfying your curiosity. Now with out further ado….. lets do this.  The Blog PostAugust 7th, 2013 JACK OF MANY TRADES. MASTER OF SOME. I write poetry you know. http://www.facebook.com/sincerelyz (I'm also a chef). I know how to sheetrock rooms, paint and wallpaper, lay tile and carpet floors. I can sew, knit, crochet, build walls, and grow everything needed for a gourmet meal; I even know a thing or two about running electric wiring and plumbing, and most of these things I learned at my father's encouragement and coercions. In every cloud there is a silver lining and even among the abuse and torture I grew up with, I know a lot of things others don't because my father made me learn them. Like most children do for their parents, I wanted to make mine proud. Though my father did everything he could to break my will, that didn't change the fact that him and my mother were the only two people that validated me. Sure we were punished when the dishes weren't clean enough or our beds weren't made on time, but I went out of my way to do more than my parents required. And with my eagerness to succeed, my parents loaded on the responsibility. There were times when I felt lost and defeated, but my relationship with God and my determination to go on, served me like the last drop of fuel that gets your car to the gas station just before it shuts off. I've birthed five children. Four for my father and one for my ex husband, and they challenge me on a regular basis. I do my best to apply the things that I find are positive from the way my parents raised me, in my own childrearing. Things like thinking outside of the box, reading the dictionary and learning how everything works. But sometimes it can be difficult deciphering what methods were genuinely beneficial to me and my siblings' development, and what was meant as a tool of control. For instance: I was raised vegetarian because my dad taught us that ingesting meat was harmful to the human body. Now that I've done my own research I have found evidence that supports a diet free of animal flesh or at least it's use in moderation. But I can't help but wonder if the real reason my father limited mine and my siblings diets, was to keep us weak. Though there was animal products in the house such as milk and cheese, they were reserved mostly for my father's consumption, and when we were allowed to have a cheese sandwich, you could count the shreds on the roll. My dad taught us that a child's role in a family was to serve the parents, and that we did in so many ways. As a single mom I require my children to help in household chores, keep their rooms tidy and do their homework, but in the back of my mind I'm aware that I may be lenient on them because I'm trying to stay away from my father's philosophy. I see my children as gifts of opportunity and an investment in the future. Not slaves tied to me biologically meant to wait on me hand and foot. Two of my children have inborn errors. My 16 year old has http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phenylketonuria (Phenylketonuria) (PKU), and http://www.losingmypinkkoko.blogspot.cm/ (my 9 year old) had both PKU and http://www.smafoundation.org/ (Spinal Muscular Atrophy) (SMA). Incest doesn't cause deformities in the sense that if two family members have a baby it will... Support this podcast

This bonus episode includes a raw, uncut private conversation about pedophilia and homosexuality based on the author's (me, Aziza Kibibi) experience in life as it pertains to the "original plan" and purpose of humans. Yes, this was all part of the publishing process.  Disclaimer (so there is no misunderstanding): I love all people no matter race, sexual orientation, gender choice, age or different abilities. As long as you are a consenting adult, who you are intimate with is your business and should not dictate how you are treated as a human. We are spiritual beings having a human experience and I believe souls have no gender. That being said, we are still processing this human experience and we are forever learning and growing. Transcript*Intro.Hey, hey, hey. Welcome, welcome, to Self Published’s first bonus episode! I’m Aziza Kibibi and I’m an author, an activist for the protections of women and children, a media personality, a chef a mom and a survivor. Whenever someone asks advice for writing their own story I recommend that they record themselves being interviewed by someone on the topic of their future book. My book Unashamed: a life tainted, took 4 years to write. I had to compile and organize over 30 years of memories and experiences, and then edit that down into a literary work that would communicate a specific message. No easy feat I tell you. But sitting down and talking through my thoughts and feelings of my life with someone helped a great deal. It even assisted with establishing an arc to my story. What you’re about to listen to is a piece of recording where a friend of mine interviewed me about some of the things that happened in my life. Please listen with an open mind and be warned, some of the topics we explore in this conversation may make you uncomfortable. We did not make this recording for public consumption. There are opinions explored, thesis’ analyzed and feelings addressed that through personal growth may or may not have changed; which reminds me to say, this recording is from 2012. Now, as usual I want to thank you for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind.  Closing. That was just a sample of over 12 hours of recordings which was instrumental in writing my memoir. Please explore Damon’s work on his his YouTube channel, https://www.youtube.com/user/Damondiddit (Damon Diddit) and his https://instagram.com/damondiddit (instagram). His cinematic projects are breathtaking and entertaining. Links are in the show notes.  Thank you again for listening. Be blessed for you are a blessing.  Music: Epidemic Sound Resources and Offers Sex abuse prevention and recovery: https://preciouslittleladies/ (https://preciouslittleladies).org https://www.captivate.fm/signup?ref=azizamcgillayinde (Click here If you'd like to start your own podcast.) https://www.pntrs.com/t/R0JJR01ISkpCR0ZNS0pGQkxNSU1L (Get your self-published book in Barns and Nobles, on Amazon and make it available to other retailers with these self publishing packages) Use code CARESSMYEARDRUMS at https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1 (https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1) for 11% off your purchase of Unashamed: a life tainted vol 1 & 2 *this is an incomplete transcript which includes the intro and closing copy. Support this podcast

A mother plays a huge role in her daughter's development. But some mothers really know how to sabotage and many may think they don't deserve the title of "mother". Also, the importance of self promotion as an independent author verses one signed to a publisher. Below you'll find the transcript of the show, followed by (all the way at the bottom) resources and connects to start your own podcast, publish your own book and a coupon code especially for my listeners that'll get you a discount off of my book, Unashamed: a life tainted Vols. 1 and 2. There are also links to interesting articles and information about the topics discussed in this episode. Thank you so much and please enjoy. TranscriptEmotions like hate, resentment and animosity take a lot of energy. In the long run, the person holding on to these feelings is the one that suffers. You think my dad is sitting in his cell right now giving a shit if I'm mad at him or not? Hey, hey, hey and welcome welcome to episode 3 of Self Published. I’m Aziza Kibibi and this podcast is my shameless journey of being a self made author.  Thanks in advance for listening to the show, and for subscribing to stay in the know for when I publish bonus episodes. Oh what? I didn’t tell tell you? Yes mi amore there will be surprise bonus episodes that are totally connected but may, just may include a couple of friends and family of mine. Ha hah, isn’t it keen to get more than you expected?  So make sure you reach out and touch me virtually through my social media for those announcements as well as free book and merch giveaways. As always resources and details are in the show notes. And on that note, thank you for allowing me to caress your eardrums and penetrate your mind. lets get it started in huh, lets get it started in here. Just a little nod to the Black Eyed Peas.  The blog postAugust 1st 2013 MOMMY DEAREST (original title). Aww man! The last few days have been liberating, motivating, inspiring, challenging and scary all at once. I read the articles posted about my father's sentencing and amidst the http://newsone.com/2252517/aswad-ayinde-daughters/ (inaccuracies), paraphrases, truths and opinions, the thing that stands out the most to me are comments from people about my mother. I guess where contrary to my father's position in my life, my mother is still very active and present. We talk every day; she always calls me for advice. We shop together, I wash my clothes at her house, she has a relationship with her grandchildren, and we go to church together. So to have the public (and some friends) condemn her along with my father (though I know they do this out of concern), almost makes me question my own interaction with the woman that brought me into this world. No, she did not protect me or my siblings from the man she chose to marry. Yes, her actions were selfish and unacceptable. No, I in no way condone her behavior. And definitely, it's a direct reflection on her ability to parent; yet I still forgive her. I am not responsible for her path in this life, so I take no responsibility. I maintain a relationship with my mom because I know she is regretful, and remorseful and does her best to atone. It took me a while to get to this place within myself; to let go of the past and focus on our present relationship, and sometimes I even find myself regressing; but, I tell you it's liberating and freeing as heaven to know that it's all under my control. Emotions like hate, resentment and animosity take a lot of energy. In the long run, the person holding on to these feelings is the one that suffers. You think my dad is sitting in his cell right now giving a shit if I'm mad at him or not? But if I walked around still angry and hurt I may not be able to function. And as for my mother; when I was younger and I acted out towards her because I didn't know how to process what was happening to me, she didn't care. She punished me for... Support this podcast

Hey there and welcome to episode 2 of Self Published! Below you'll find the transcript of the show, followed by (all the way at the bottom) resources I mentioned in the show as well as great connects to start your own podcast, publishing your own book and a coupon code especially for my listeners that'll get you a discount off of my book, Unashamed: a life tainted Vols. 1 and 2. Thank you so much and please enjoy. TranscriptThere's just so much I have to say; so much I want to ask. There is so much I want to know and plenty I want him to know. But what if these things aren't correct in the courts eyes? For instance, though I've suffered horrifically at the hands of my father, I… Hey, hey, hey. Welcome, welcome, welcome. I’m Aziza Kibibi and this is Self Published episode2! Whoo hoo! Remember to follow me on…you know what? Nevermind all that. I’m too excited. Lets just get right into it.  The Blog Post.https://unashamedanopenbook.blogspot.com/2013/07/nothing-happens-by-chance.html (July 25, 2013) NOTHING HAPPENS BY CHANCE. This week has been extremely busy. Monday I went to court to fight some unfair traffic tickets; which the prosecutor recommended that the judge dismiss after he walked in on my guilty with explanation plea. Yesterday I went to New York city to see a lawyer at https://vlaa.org/get-help/other-vlas/ (Volunteer Lawyers for the Arts) about some legal questions for my book. And tomorrow is the day my father receives his punishment for the http://www.northjersey.com/news/Aswad_Ayinde_found_guilty_of_raping_his_daughter.html (crimes he committed against me) Throughout today my stomach would tense up at the thought of me facing my father tomorrow. See, I will have the opportunity to address him, and the court about how what he's done has affected my life. I've been scripting statements in my head since the moment the prosecutor told me he was found guilty of all charges four months ago; and every time I come up with something to say, I forget my monologue faster than it took me to formulate it. You would think I would just sit and write it down, but for some reason I'm afraid to. I've racked my brain trying to figure out why it scares me to write out what I want to communicate, and even here I can't translate my feelings into words. I know I don't want to go into court and read pre written text. But that's not why I won't even jot an outline of my thoughts down. It doesn't make sense to speak off the top of my head. Words directed at my father have not passed through my lips for over eight years! Can you imagine what could possibly come spewing out. Maybe that's what I'm afraid of. I know that once I start writing, it'll probably take the apocalypse to break my literary trance. And once that happens, I'd be editing, and re-writing and changing and thesaurusizing (thesurusizing; verb. To put different words into a thesaurus repeatedly. I made that one up.) words until...well....until!   There's just so much I have to say; so much I want to ask. There is so much I want to know and plenty I want him to know. But what if these things aren't correct in the courts eyes? For instance, though I've suffered horrifically at the hands of my father, I forgive him. Of course he has to suffer the consequences of his actions, but I want him to know that I forgive him for the pain he inflicted on me and the confusion he's caused. I want him to know that I forgive him for my children not growing up with a father in their life; because if he wasn't their father and I had the opportunity to fall in love and get married and have a husband to help me bring them into this world, there would be somebody they could call daddy. I want him to know I forgive him for the diseases that some of my children have, that probably would not exist if he wasn't their father as well as mine. And I want him to know I forgive him for beating me and, raping me and for making me... Support this podcast

Hey, hey, hey everyone and welcome to the first episode of Self Published. I’m Aziza Kibibi and I’m an author, an activist on the protections of women and children, a chef, media personality, a mom and a survivor.  Along with a narrative from my blog Unashamed an open book, some of the things you can expect from this podcast are comments and questions from readers and fans, sidebars of drama from behind the scenes, and tips and advice on self publishing your own stories whether it be as a book, a podcast, a public speaker and some of the many other ways you want to make yourself public to the world.  Links to resources will be in the show notes and be sure to subscribe for notifications on future episodes. Oh, and one more thing; make sure to follow me on instagram and facebook and subscribe to my https://youtube.com/azizakibibi (YouTube page) for inspiring and informational videos on preventing and healing from abuse.  So now without further ado, thank you for allowing me to grace your eardrums and penetrate your mind; lets do this Brutus. The post DEAR READER So I finished writing the manuscript to my memoir! It's 35 years in the making and 3 years in the writing. Now I'm on to the next phase; publication. For those that don't know me my name is Aziza Kibibi. Most people think I'm from another country but I am a born and bred Jersey girl!   I think the best way to introduce myself and explain why I decided to share a memoir with the world is to include a version of the query letter I've been sending out to literary agents.  But before I do that let me formally introduce you to the theme of this blog. While I go though the traditional steps of book publishing (which is a long tedious process that takes lots of patience) I will also be moving forward with publishing my book myself. I will share with you on a weekly basis, my trials and triumphs through both these processes as well as events and reflections of my everyday life.  You can kinda consider this reality television in print. My life has never been what most people call normal, and with an unusual foundation, the building turns out pretty...well...unusual. With that being said, here is my query letter. ########################## Dear Literary Agent. Meet Aziza. She’s a hard working single mom of five beautiful children that she is very proud of. Most men describe her as mysterious, free spirited and charming. Most woman find her confident, smart and witty. But little do they know, is that from ten years old, Aziza was raised as her father’s sex slave. Oh, and the first four of her five children, are also her brother and sisters  This book is the true story of my life. Beginning in what was the present at the time I started writing, it follows the hospitalization of my fourth child by my father who is physically disabled which was also during the criminal case brought against my father by me and my sisters. My memoir is the tale of how surviving my childhood, adolescence and young adulthood, has shaped me into the woman I am today.I am the eldest of 9 children by my mother, and including my children whom he fathered, the eldest of over twenty-five by my dad. Using events from the present as a vehicle, the history of my life unfolds beginning with the birth of my third child by my father. I describe how my father delivered my children at home, save for one who I gave birth to on a campsite in Florida. I take the reader on a journey through my sheltered life in a polygamous family where I was home schooled, molested, beaten and trained to satisfy my father’s every sexual desire, to how I coped with my husband cheating on me (with one of my sisters) which led to our divorce.  I describe how while growing up I watched my father turn from a loving, talented respected member of the community, into the abusive monster that God spared my own children from... Support this podcast

Welcome! I am Aziza Kibibi and I'm so excited to share with you my journey as a self published author. "We are walking stories. Rarely opening our pages to others for fear of their judgments and criticisms." - Aziza Kibibi  What's this all about?"Self Published" chronicles much of what I was going through the 4 years it took me to write and publish my book https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1 (Unashamed: a life tainted...vols. 1 and 2.) You'll listen to stories of my process and life, which include everything from my attempts at securing a traditional publisher, to getting an opportunity to promote my book on the ABC talk show "Katie!" before I even finished writing it, and the many tools and resources I used to keep myself motivated through the entire ordeal to get it done. So when will this all happen?In this 10 episode season, Every Monday starting September 14, 2020, I will upload a podcast episode that is an eloquent mash-up of my archived blog posts "Unashamed an Open Book," and my journal entries correlating with the publishing of the blog. Those tasty nuggets will be accompanied by insight, resources and advice on self-publishing a book. And to top it all off, it will be accented by a couple of dashes of crazy that was going on behind the scenes. Why should You care?If you are a budding author, a fellow human living a life that deserves to be surrounded by letterbox complete with opening and closing credits, a person who wants to share their story to help the world, or someone who just enjoys listening to interesting life experiences, then this podcast is for you. Is that all?If you want to learn more about my story, my work and other projects, as well as support my philanthropic efforts to fight child molestation and domestic violence, be sure to visit my https://azizakibibi.com (website), subscribe to my https://youtube.com/azizakibibi (YouTube channel), follow me on https://instagram.com/azizakibibi (social media), buy my https://store.bookbaby.com/book/unashamed1 (book), check out my https://preciouslittleladies.org (nonprofit), join me on Patreon, and most definitely, email me at aziza@azizakibibi.com. And let's not forget...The purpose of everything I do is to help someone else. I believe that we are here in this existence with so many others to contribute to each other's evolution. Edutainment is my favorite genre. So in every episode of "Self Published", my intention is to inspire and help you to share your stories. If you want to write a book, you'll find resources in my episodes to realize your dreams. If you want to start a podcast, I'll include information for that too. Below is a link to whet your appetite. https://www.captivate.fm/signup?ref=azizamcgillayinde Now finally, without further ado, please enjoy this small sample of what's to come. Episode TranscriptI remember the day I started writing my book. I was sitting at the base of my daughter’s hospital bed in a bedroom in my mothers house that I shared with my 5 children. We slept on the floor next to a recliner reserved for the overnight nurse for my daughter Uwakokunre. We’d been put out of our home we rented because the owner went into foreclosure. Sidebar: I later learned he didn’t actually go into foreclosure; he just wanted to sell. Not knowing my rights as a renter, I didn’t contest and moved out within 30 days. Hashtag, Know your rights and how to use them.  Uwakokunre had just returned home from a 10 day stay in the hospital. She came down with pneumonia because as she got older, her lungs got weaker, so trips to the ER became even more frequent. Post traumatic stress syndrome sent me to my computer to journal about my life; therapy to cope with the remnants of being molested, raped and abused by my infamous father.  Two years, one child less, a new home and 4 college classes later, I came to the conclusion that my journal should become a memoir, and that memoir should be published as a book. ... Support this podcast