Also Your Daughters

Join myself and author Tiffany Brooks, PhD as we discuss the spiritual gaslighting and bypassing we've experienced. Our goal in this podcast episode is to first, share Tiffany's new book, Gaslighted By God, (available everywhere), and secondly, to provide language to what we have experienced through metaphors and stories that attribute to what we have known within confining walls of the institutional Church.

TW: Suicide, depression, anxiety Join me for an amazing conversation with 3 incredible people about taking a look back on life before deconstruction and where our chips fall now as content creators.  Joining me on this episode: Aaron from @goingtoheckforthis - https://linktr.ee/goingtoheckforthis Bekah from @bekahsays helphumans.care Tina from @tendersongva - https://linktr.ee/tendersong We know all too well how much the church asks of it's congregants, it's staff and Pastors. If you have a talent, it's your duty to use it for God. And with that, it means you need to produce within the realm of church with your talents. For us, we discuss our experiences working on the worship team, the pressure to produce content and to lead worship no matter what it costs you.  Burn out is real but in our experience, it only mattered that you rested but then got right back to work. Mental health does not exist in the spaces of church institutions. They need you for the content you can create. 

This is the first episode of season 2 where we are deep diving into Bo Burnham's INSIDE! Each song will be an episode along with different guests throughout the season. This first episode is our introduction to what we'll be doing here during this breakdown. Aaron will be a co-host this season and I'm really excited to do this with him. Follow him on instagram @goingtoheckforthis and also check out his merch! You can get his shirt that we discuss in this episode! alsoyourdaughters.com Become a patreon member! Patreon.com/alsoyourdaughters Tshirts: bonfire.com/store/also-your-daughters/ Check out Aaron on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/goingtoheckforthis/ Aaron's shop: https://www.etsy.com/shop/GoingToHeckForThis

Welcome to my first distance recorded podcast with Heather from @Justagirlpastor on Instagram! Today we're talking about the process/journey of re-mothering ourselves. We share some of Heather's story, her resources and her unique vantage point of her experience. TW as we dicuss and/or briefly mention sexual assault, alcoholism, child negelct, trauma from birth and homeschooling (Also, mention of James Dobson because that monster of a human deserves a warning label). Heather's resources: Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. James Townsendhttps://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=sr_1_1?crid=28GY7GH7C307J&dchild=1&keywords=boundaries+henry+cloud&qid=1633456370&sprefix=boundaries+%2Caps%2C157&sr=8-1 Hold Onto Your Kids by Gabor Matehttps://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0375760288/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2FPL8NPK9NDAX&dchild=1&keywords=hold+onto+your+kids+gabor+mate&qid=1633456547&sprefix=Hold+onto+%2Caps%2C151&sr=8-2

Tina and I discuss our thoughts on fatphobia within purity culture and all of the other topics that intersect with it. TW for eating disorder, sexual abuse/assault Listen to Tina's EP songs as they release here: https://open.spotify.com/artist/6xyfusQFHNvMYNVZ1hQ9w0?si=pV66ojUET1SWaOknOMAODw&dl_branch=1

This episode discusses my recent breakthrough which was preceded by a mental break down. I also discuss how I created my own value system. Books I mention: Shameless by Nadia Bolz Weber Pagan Christianity by Frank Viola and George Barna Love Wins by Rob Bell

In this episode, I discuss my issues I take with the bible. Sources are: The actual Bible https://www.relevantmagazine.com/faith/stop-taking-jeremiah-2911-out-context/ https://www.crosswalk.com/faith/bible-study/ways-christians-may-be-misusing-i-can-do-all-things-through-christ-who-strengthens-me.html https://www.gotquestions.org/2-Chronicles-7-14.html Romans 16:1-2 - Phoebe is called a diakonon which is greek for deacon or servant and the same word is used for Stephen and Philip. Chloe- 1 Cor. 1:11 Nympha- Col. 4:15 10 Lies the Church Tells Women by J. Lee Grady 1 Cor. 14:34-35 1 Tim. 2:12 Faith and Feminism A Holy Alliance by Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D.

I discuss how I came to the idea about confronting my old youth pastor and how it came about and how it went.

I used to hate being a highly sensitive person while I was part of the evangelical church and now I grab onto it fully. I talk about why I hated it and why it's so easy for me to embrace it now. Grab your Empathy Can Save The World here: https://www.etsy.com/listing/1002733820/empathy-can-save-the-world-sticker?fbclid=IwAR3OzTPjI9fvL9pKuzwDhCKaDD2LJxUrKembjMwEJPeVlaiGX3oPlnli09k

Christian practices are rooted in paganism which has rocked my world. I share about my breaking point after reading "Pagan Christianity" by Frank Viola and George Barna.

I had lots of feelings leading up to Easter this year, so it felt natural to work through them recording a podcast. Hope you enjoy!

Grab a coffee, or dig into your mountain pile of dishes or settle in for your next long drive with me and Tina DeSeta as we dive FULLY into purity culture in the AEC (American Evangelical Church), our experiences and our take aways. Please be aware that this is a very real talk about sex, bodies, body shame, abuse, etc! This is probably not safe for the younger babies to hear.

TW: Topics of purity culture, eating disorders and nonconsenual touch Church needs to be held accountable for the hurt they've done, Essay #6: Death 14-year-old 25-year-old. I haven't lost many people to death so far in my life.  But I've mostly lost people to mistreatment and abusive behavior.  But from what I've experienced, the grief between the two types of losses isn't so different.  Don't get me wrong.  The loss of a loved one to death and the loss of a relationship to traumatic difficulties are, in fact, different, but the grieving process is very similar.   The last church I attended, worked for and was a part of was a beautiful church when I first started going.  The leadership proved to be healthy and loving.  They affirmed me, as a woman, which was a first for me.  I had always been treated as less than because of my gender and made sure to know my place within the walls of a church and my family.  This has been inherently damaging to me.  I have sought acceptance my entire life, so when I started learning that my place is “in the home” and that I can only ever work with women and children within the church has been hurtful.  So, when this church put me in as the worship leader, it was amazing.  It was healing.  It was fun! I absolutely loved what I got to do in this role!  The church grew and positions needed to be shifted with the growth.  I took a different role with the church but kept serving on the worship team.  With growth comes growing pains.  And this church was not exempt from that.  Slowly, before we even noticed it, the church started to unravel the tight cords we had built together as a church family.  People were cast out with the perception of “Well, they couldn't do what we asked of them, so they quit.  Even though they say they were fired, they weren't.”  You want to badly for what they said to be true, even though deep down you know it's not.  But you're holding so tightly to preserve what used to be that you just go along with it.  After all, they affirm women!  But steadily, it all starts to disintegrate no matter how tightly you're holding on it.  I finally came to grips with the deceptive and manipulative ways I was being treated and how my friends had been treated the same.  The moral and ethical qualities start to fade and you start accepting these as fact.  I hid so much about what was said behind closed doors.  I have so many things I'll never speak that I heard or was told to me because they're hurtful or that I have zero business knowing.  When information from therapy sessions starts to be spoken about and weaponized, it's time to face the facts.  When your pastor shows fits of rage, or when you actively hide from him at church because he's hunting you down to yell at you before church begins, it's time to recognize abuse.  When you get yelled at over the phone and hung up on by your pastor, stop making excuses for him.  This behavior should not be tolerated, no matter “how tough the job of a pastor is.” We need to stop making excuses for leaders within church walls when they hurt people.  The stories of abuse that continue to make their way into light need to be accepted and not twisted.  Believe survivors.  People like Ravi Zacharius and Bill Heibles cannot and should not be defended.  No man is incapable of sin and we have to stop sugar coating and excusing behavior that is toxic and harmful.   What we can gain through these experiences, because I know I'm not alone here, is that our faith cannot be put into the church.  This system is riddled with narcissists using it as a platform for power and abuse.  More accountability needs to be put into place for churches and less buying into a single man who leads.  I know women pastors are just as capable, but I'm not addressing this scenario as I've never be led by a woman in a church which speaks volumes to me.

Discussing my plans to keep going with my dreams, just in a different way without the church. Essay #4: What is my contribution? We've all done it. Post that “on point” quote orimage that just makes you scream, “THIS!” And then you share it with thecaption saying “THIS!” But it speaks to us and speaks to where we are, wherewe've been and we want to share for ourselves but also for others who may havethe same reaction to it. It's so we know we're not alone and therefore, we helpother people not feel alone. I have felt like I've contributed to my circle in society because I am prettyopen about struggling. I personally cannot fake that I'm okay when I'm not, andwhen I'm deep in my feelings, I have a push to share in an attempt to processand normalize. As a Pastor, my job was to encourage and lift up. I took thatjob so seriously and always wanted people to see what I shared in any means asedifying and positive. I'm naturally a positive person so this doesn't comewith difficulty. But as I exited the job scene of a Pastor, this same push toshare still lives in me. I have journeyed through the identity crisis of tryingto figure who I am without labels and at the core of who I am, I still want tobe a light to people. I've just had to figure out what that is without the lensof the church being behind it. I'm coming more and more into grips with whatthat looks like. And I'm funneling it all through my vocation as aphotographer, a blogger and now this podcast. The church gave me this greatplatform, but it just didn't work out. I lost that vehicle for carrying me andmy dreams. I have felt very hopeless and ambiguous trying to get the feet underme and figure out how to switch gears and use my own resources to share andwhile it has been incredibly frustrating and upsetting, going through all thathas made me appreciate where I am so much. I don't need other people to liveout my dreams! I just needed to find my grit again. I needed to work throughall the darkness to find the zest again. And I throught I'd never find eitherof them ever again. But I write this today so excited and so ready to live mydream on my terms and through my own vehicle.

TW: Topic of sexual assalt Part two of my tell all journey. Join me in my soul process of healing by talking into a microphone. I discuss my deconstruction of my relationship with church and how I'm putting it back together, my sexual assalt, and self love. Essay #3: What is missing? Normalcy- what is normal anymore?Consistency- what could be normal gets derailed by covid. Who I used to be before...In the past, I had all this zest and zeal. I had excitement and fervor. I feltlike a pop of color in life. These days I feel like a wet rag sitting in muddywater. And I know, that's a depressing analogy. It's self deprecating but I'mworking on self love. But I feel like my excitement turns into anxiety and thenanger. My zest is bitter now and I don't want a lot on my plate. I miss who Iused to be. That girl was so ready. She was an amazing mom. She didn't lose itat her kids this often. She didn't crumble so easily. I had all these dreams and I had plans to turn them into reality. I wanted toinfluence and lead. I wanted to speak and teach. I wanted to “do it all” and Inearly killed myself attempting that. I'm not exaggerating. It hurts because Ifelt like my desires were from God and I chased them with everything inside ofme, at times no matter the cost. Now, it seems like a distant time that I waslike that. I don't ever see anything like I dreamed of happening ever coming toreality, and I don't want it to anymore. The price of what my dreams cost were too damn high. I wanted a platform. Iwanted travel. I wanted a career. But it stole from my family. It stole fromme, and all it really did was stand in the way of my coming face to face withmy trauma. It was like my escape. It was where I went to run away and hide. IfI buried myself as deeply as possible into these dreams, then I'd never have tocome out and face the music that someone had sexually assaulted me. Heck, I was so good at digging and burying that I even forgot it happenedsometimes. That was my goal, right? And it worked. It worked beautifully untilmy personal Roman Empire fell. And in that fall, more trauma took place thathas crippled me since. I spent my time last year being so angry. Why couldn't I just have the dream??Why couldn't it have played out the way I wanted? Why do other people get to dothe things I felt I was born to do, that I'm good at doing? I proved myself tobe a viable candidate. I did shit I didn't want to do to climb a ladder thatwas being cut down behind me as I climbed without me knowing. I thought I wasso high up but when I turned around to look at my progress, I was still on theground. People I trusted betrayed me. Plain and simple. And it's unthinkableto me to ever put myself out there like that ever again. I could never put mytrust in someone to help me climb up to reach my dreams like I needed them to. This wasn't my failure. All I know is that after this fall, I turned completely into my family to givethem everything of me that they deserve. They deserve way more than what Igive, but I just have hope that I can keep healing and keep putting myself backtogether and that they have patience for me while I sift through the rubble ofwho I am right now. I'm rebuilding from the ground up. Things that once were so firm are shaken. I'm figuring out how to operate fromscratch. The whole system I took part in chewed me up and spat me out. But I know I was running and now my feet have rest. I was digging and now myarms are still. God came in and took my shovel, he removed my shoes and made mesit. I fought him but he gently held me. Im resistless now, but I'm still tiredfrom what I did to survive and the trauma of sexual assault I experienced ontop of that. The mountain of pain I have to heal is steep.

Why did I leave my church?? Well, let me tell you!! This episode includes essay number 2 about the jobs I've had and the job that lead me to my demise. Essay #2:  I accidentally started a business in 2020. I had recently quit my job at the church and lost what I was bringing into our finances.  It was worth it, but it was still scary to lose money we depended on.  I'm no stranger to leaving jobs, but this one hit different because I felt like I was fleeing a very unhealthy situation that was ripping me apart and hurting my marriage. I've had every job you can image: Chick fil a cashierDermatologist receptionistMarketing Director at a wineryNannyShampoo girlBefore and After care worker at private schoolsSubstitute teacherNail salon receptionistDaycare workerI could be forgetting some because I've tried just about everything and have hated most of them.  Some of these jobs I loved!  I remember when I was hired at Chick Fil A, there was rigorous training and they have you work several different jobs so that you get the lay of the land.  They put me on "lobby" which is wiping down tables, emptying trashcans, cleaning up spills, cleaning the bathrooms, etc.  Needless to say, I hated every minute of that shift and wanted to quit right then and there.  To be perfectly honest, I held back tears doing this.  I have to laugh at myself.  I was 17 at the time.  I had different ideas of what it would mean to be a Chick Fil A employee.  I think I lasted less than a year working there. At my last job at the church, I started as the marketing director and that evolved into becoming the media director.  I created a social media presence for our church.  I researched and figured out how to get us online giving as an option.  This lead into the creation of a church app and a church website that I built from scratch.  I was the photographer at all the events our church put on and then distributed those photos across our social media.  I got our baptisms to broadcast "live".  I helped our building fund campaign and created many videos that were interview based.  I also got us swag too! It was a really fun job!  I truly enjoyed what I did for the church and people appreciated what I did to move our church forward!  And then we merged with a big network of churches and my position was moved because "we can tell you don't like what you do.  We see you're not fulfilled."  I was asked to a job that my friend had as the children's ministry director that she was being removed from.  I told them no and they didn't take that as my answer.  I was told that if I didn't take it, there would be no one to do it.  So I reluctantly said yes with conditions.  My conditions were that I would be able to participate in worship every other Sunday.  They agreed and I was given this humongous task of launching a curriculum and leading a team of 30 people.  This was the worst job of my life because I gave all that I had to doing this but it was fight after fight to get people on board with it.  There was fire after fire that I had to put out.  This job consumed all my time, it consumed my home with supplies.  It consumed my entire being because of how much work it required while still being considered part time.  What kept me going was being a part of worship.  And my husband was the worship leader so it would give us time to spend together.  Well, little by little, they took that away from me, even to the point of telling me that I have no singing talent and that I can play an instrument but I wasn't allowed to lead songs anymore.  I had lead worship for our church for 4 years prior to this, so this was a crushing blow to me.  I was even told that the previous Pastor said I couldn't sing either.  Talk about kicking me when I was down. This job stole so much from me.  Mainly, it stole my confidence.  It stole the peace in my home.  It stole my zest for life and church no longer was a feeding source for me.  It was work.  It was beyond work, it was labor.  And since I was told very hurtful words, I chose not participate in worship anymore and that put a wedge in between me and my husband.  He needed help, but they took that away from him by crushing me with words said to me by the pastor.  It caused a rift in our relationship. By the time we said that enough was enough, I was a pile of rubble from who I was when they first came.  I was bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready for growth and ready for new life to come to into our congregation.  But all that happened was a slow death to member total of that church.  I left that church bloodied and battered.  I was a shell of who I used to be.  No church should have this kind of power.  No person, especially in a church setting, should wield this kind of power to crush people to get ahead. As I licked my wounds in quarantine, I slowly had people creep into my DM's asking for photo sessions with me.  I started off with one.  It was a family session and they had a daughter graduating and wanted senior pictures done.  We had a lot of fun with that session and I felt a surge of creativity.  It felt like life pumped through my veins again.  Then I had someone ask for me to come over and photograph their newborn baby, and then someone else asked for engagement photos and then a small wedding.  Then I had more and more people asking me to take their photos, wanting a masked photo to commemorate 2020, asking me to meet them a beautiful places like a lavender farm and battle fields.  My family let me take their pictures at the beach.  It was a snowball effect that I didn't see coming, but it was exactly what I needed.  I found a resurgence of life with each session I edited and had people come back to me with elated responses for their photos.  I gave them photos, they gave me purpose. Being my own boss is the best situation for me.  I work around my schedule. No one has any say about where to be and when to be except for me and my clients.  This is my dream job.  And it's a job I can build off of, too.   I won't waste what I learned from my job at the church.  There's a lesson to be learned from everything.  What I take away is that I am talented enough to do whatever is set in front of me and asked of me, but that doesn't mean I have to do it.  When someone asks me of something, I can say no.  When they come back with an argument as to why I should laced with promises and prospects, I don't even have to respond and I can still say no to them.  I learned about boundaries with this job and I learned a very difficult way.  My marriage survived.  We have become a strong unit because of what we endured, but I'll never allow any job or any church to take such a seat in my life ever again.

Revelation 2:12-15 Dealing with conflict within our faith, but there's a balance within our faith belief systems that must be acknowledged and understood. Our faith can't turn a blind eye to everything because we're taught to self sacrifice like Jesus did or because we believe the church can't do wrong.

While this is the first episode I'm sharing, this is the 4th podcast episode I've recorded. I had this podcast set and ready to launch in January 2020, but God had different plans for me. So here we are, exactly one year later, and it's time. Hope you enjoy this brief episode about authenticity and what I plan to share on this podcast. Essay #1: A year ago, I was the girl on fire. I was motivated and full of grit. I wasinspired and searching. I was looking at every possible avenue to make myvisions and dreams a reality. I was at the top of my game and in a placeprofessionally that I had aspired to achieve. I was finishing up a portion ofschool and training and I was leading a large group of people. I wanted to helppeople. I wanted to see them through their darkness. I wanted to point them toJesus and help them see the light. I was an associate Pastor at a church leading a kids ministry, the youth groupand also preaching. I was trying to be a part of worship too, but myparticipation was being actively blocked. I did my best to shrug that aside andfocus on everything I was being thwarted towards and asked to guide and lead. Iwas living my dream of preaching. I had wanted this for a very long time and Iwas actually doing it, and I was pretty good at it too. I loved preaching. Iadored preparing each message and learning more about God than I ever imagined.I was at my peak. Unfortunately, once you reach a peak, there's always a trip back down.Sometimes you stay at the peak for a long time while in other instances, you'rereally holding on for dear life while trying to act like you have it alltogether. One way or another, you end up facing the truth and see the valleythat is inevitably before you. Denial works for a little bit, but reality soonstarts to set in and you have to face the music. Things aren't okay. Your environment isn't as healthy as you've been tellingyourself. You are being taken advantage of and even lied to and manipulated.All of the momentum you had is weakening and failing and you're starting tofall down this hole that is getting darker and darker each day. You start toacknowledge that you're being abused and that you are hurt, that you arehurting. And then you hit rock bottom and your lights inside, everythingthat gave you life and joy and spark, is out. Everything becomes black. What you had that gave you credibility is gone. What you had that legitimizedyou disintegrates. And you are left with, what you believe to be, nothing. Welcome to darkness. It's a lonely ride. Welcome to indentity crisis. It's crippling. Welcome to anxiety and depression. It's debilitating. Welcome to my road block for the next year. When all motivation and passion exits the room, it's a pretty bleak outlook.There is nothing to fuel a fire of creation and to share anymore. My passionhad amounted to creating a brave vision board for 2020 and all I wanted toaccomplish. My vision board included writing a blog, creating a podcast,starting a skating ministry, writing a book, and the list goes on. I hadcreated a trajectory that would accomplish so much and I felt ready! But thatpassion died a really sad and horrible death, all before covid hit. Mydepressive state was already in full swing by the time I lost everything elsethat brought me joy once we hit quarantine. There was no way to “get past this”. My situation called for a deep dive intomy inner self. It called for soul work and shadow work. And these takeeverything inside of you to tackle. The first thing I did to help myself wasthat I got myself into therapy as soon as I could because I knew I was lost. Iknew this was a bigger fish to fry than my usual tiffs I've dealt with up tothis point. I knew that if I didn't, I was going to go down a worse path thanwhat I was already on. I'm a wife and mom. People depend on me and at thisstage in the game, I wasn't getting out of bed. I needed to get better for myfamily. I know you're probably thinking, “So you left a church, so what?” Thereality here is that I was a workaholic, an absent parent and I was suppressingtrauma. I was using how busy my job at my church was to run away, to bury andnever have to face what happened to me 18 months prior to taking my job withthe church. I was in survival mode while thinking I had been living my dreamand now that was gone and I was staring my demons head on. While I thought I was “ready”, I was simply being sanded down and primed forwhat was to become my life over the full year of 2020 and it was do or die. So I did. Sent from my iPhone