Bad Stories

Forever alone in a crowd, failed surfer Arthur Fleck seeks to hit the lip as he walks the streets of Manhattan Beach. Arthur wears two sandals -- the one he shreds for his day job as a clown, and the one he lays back in a futile attempt to get barreled like he's part of the ocean around him. Isolated, wet, and wet by society, Fleck begins a slow duck dive into the ocean as he takes a high line into the criminal beach break known as the sand.

"His Name Was Pebbly"His name was Egg (Pebbly),He had two leg,The boi he fuck on the reg.He drank a keg,Mom made him beg,He said, "Mom I like to peg."Then Momma Greg, She was so preg,The baby had three leg.Nutmeg.For Your Consideration Oscars 2020 Epic Poetry.

A detective takes a cruise. The detective is Peter Dinklage. The cruise is the Titanic. These details are glassed over on this podcast. Do you like murder mysteries? Do you like carnivorous birds? Do you like the Panama Canal? This story involves a meat fight, frisbees, teeth, forbidden love, the other love, the movie Titanic happening in the background, and the question: are all detectives good? Are all Peter Dinklages hot? No. Yes. Fuck you.Music:COLLECTION by trabbeyZulu Screams by GoldLink

Closing time. Time for you to go out, go out into the world. Closing time. Turn the lights up, over every boy and every girl. Closing time. One last call for alcohol, so finish your whiskey or beer. Closing time. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.I know who I want to take me home. I know who I want to take me home. I know who I want to take me home. Take me home.Closing time. Time for you to go back to the places you will be from. Closing time. This room won't be open 'til your brothers or you sisters come. So gather up your jackets, and move it to the exits. I hope you have found a cunt. Closing time. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.Yeah, I know who I want to take me home. I know who I want to take me home. I know who I want to take me home. Take me home.Closing time. Time for you to go back to the places you will be from. I know who I want to take me home. I know who I want to take me home. I know who I want to take me home. Take me home.Closing time. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

A butler wants to become king, but the road to glory ain't so easy. First he must overthrow the Duke of Boatville. Then, through musical theatre and highly choreographed feats of martial arts, the bulter and his crew march for the crown. Who is his crew? We'll tell you. The arsonist. The berserker. The brain. The porpoise. And the spear man. That's the crew. This story involves whale attacks, the gallows, thigh-deep water, and a king with many holes. Music:I'm Sorry by I Forget Love Invaders by Fatima Yamaha

Four hooves and a funeral. A jockey needs a date to his long-lost friend's wedding. This friend is a horse. This friend's wife? A horse. Both dudes. Both gay. Both horses. This story involves underground giraffe racing, a tulip farmer, true love, the slender man, Africa, Dirt-tuckey, kicks to the face, old money, and conservative politics. Music:I Don't Know by I ForgetLady Don't Tek by Latyrx

It's the Roaring Twenties. The subways are still pulled by horses, but a change is in the air. We find our hero running a small watch store, located within the subway system, with his loyal assistant. Our hero's dream is to find enough success making watches that he can take his store above ground. All the while, discontent brews as horse jockeys begin to lose their jobs to electrical subways. An accident gives our hero the ability to travel through time, and he uses the new ability to try and launch his watch business. Instead, he helps invent Apple. This story involves dinosaurs, the history of Times Square, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Cartier, intellectual beings of light, tiny Shaqs that run around the sewers of NYC, blind horses, and shovel men that pick up your poops.Music:The Best Moment by J'sanConvenient by Patti

When a real estate agent finds a treasure chest full of doubloons and peanuts, he befriends a Somali pirate and is whisked away on an adventure to find Atlantis, the city of gold. This mission is led by former president Jimmy Carter. This story involves gold, riddles, Niagara Falls, an amorphous pile of jelly, ancient civilizations, peanuts, sharks, making out, and lots of screaming.Hrumpf, there it is.Music:Da Feelin by Nightmares On WaxOcean Man by Ween

A college freshman falls in love with a sorority girl who is a werewolf, and rushes a fraternity to win her heart. This fraternity is the same that his father joined years ago, a fraternity exclusive to vampires: Beta Alpha Theta. His father is the most famous vampire of all time. But our main character just wants to win his lady's fancy, which violates the fraternity's number one rule: vampires can't fall in love. This story involves skateboarding, a vampire who thinks bats are birds, blood, poison, Vamp Sandleman, a minotaur, Dudley, and lots of partying.Music:Parallel Jalebi by Four TetDa Feelin by Nightmares on Wax

In this, our first novel, an airplane pilot is so talented at flying planes that he himself learns to fly, which is helpful because he wants to become a superhero. Soon, his plans to save earth from alien invaders become complicated by an arch-nemesis: the Mole Man. But who is the real hero? This story includes the FAA, digging at high speeds, the White House, poetic literary descriptions, and terrible newspaper headlines. This is a book.Music:Smoke & Mirrors by RJD2Dean Town by Vulfpeck

A family of art thieves wants to steal the Mona Lisa, but the world's greatest art collector stands in their way, and his name is Shaquille O'Neal, the last known descendant of Leonardo da Vinci. Eventually, it's revealed that Shaq is a demon with Horcruxes. Shaq captures the parents, and it's up to the kids to save the day with their best dunks. This story involves Coachella, long family lineages, deception, the Louvre, and a bunch of rats.Music:El Pico by RatatatAssorted music by Shaq

A grandmother reads her granddaughter the story of their family's history. The story involves a village of swordsman and fisherman; men who fish with swords. Their village is overtaken, and our hero, a princess, embarks on an adventure to find a weapon with which she can retake her home. This story involves a reverse mermaid, war crimes, pirate burglars, a pelican, familial love, and wall-to-wall male nudity. We're talking full frontal, baby.Music:Daughter by Four TetWhere Is My Mind? by The Pixies

This Bollywood film is about a serial killer magician who kills other magicians and takes their hands. In college, our psychopathic hero falls in love with a medical student while they're dissecting the same cadaver. They wed. His career takes off, all the while his taste for magician blood increases. His wife finds out. How will she react? Probably by dancing, because this is a Bollywood film."Is this your card? Are those your hands?"Story summary @ 1:05Music:Them Changes by Thundercat

A critically acclaimed actor wants to do his own stunts, but he's afraid of stairs. To make matters worse, after winning his fourth Oscar in three years, our hero walks in on his wife sleeping with the head stunt man of his next film. Starring Timothée Chalamet and Jackie Chan and no one else, Second Chans tells the story of the greatest stuntman on earth."You're alive, but your knees are backwards."

A Wall Street banker follows his dream of moving to Australia and starting a bird farm, but he must convince the local village, a village with a dark history, that he's there to stay."Do bird have teeth?"Music:Let Me Alone by moow