Restoring Connections

Life can be absolutely brutal. When the people we love the most, or perhaps even God, leave us feeling deeply disappointed, it is soul-crushing. But without hope, you simply can't grow and sustain healthy relationships. Hope is an essential ingredient for love—non-negotiable. So, how do we maintain hope after experiencing so much loss and trauma? In this episode, I have the privilege of interviewing Dr. Alistair Reese, a close friend and mentor, and someone I admire greatly. He is a man of extraordinary hope, and given some of the profoundly painful and traumatic experiences he and his dear wife Jeannie have endured, I would describe the resilient hope within him as miraculous. Dive into this episode for some inspiration and practical guidance on cultivating resilient hope in your life.

When people feel threatened by each other, it creates a chasm of mistrust. Self-preservation kicks in, and walls of defence go up. Sometimes, relationships tragically break down because of simple misunderstandings that create baseless fear. Other times, healthy boundaries are needed because of genuine abuse. Either way, it raises the question, “Can the bridge between us be rebuilt? If so, how?” In this episode, I have the privilege of interviewing Dallas Harema, a dear friend of mine here in Aotearoa. Dallas and his wife Lucy have spent decades working with people from all walks of life to help diverse communities thrive together. They have to wrestle with this question every single day in the community work they do and have learnt so much along the way. I love Dallas' honesty and openness on this incredibly difficult topic, and I reckon you will as well.

Sometimes someone important in your life does something that causes you so much pain, it's impossible to imagine the relationship ever being healed. When trust gets damaged this deeply, the thought of it ever being restored is unthinkable. Why would you bother considering what it would take for this person to make things right with you? In this short episode, I unpack some of my own journey and how I've found it helpful to reflect on what it would take for the people who have hurt me the most to restore their relationship with me. Whether or not they ever lift a finger to re-earn my trust, knowing what it would take to do so has been a huge part of my own healing in these relationships. Have a listen to hear why and how.

Each and every one of us is infinitely complex. Put two people together in a relationship, and now you've got infinite complexity times two! With all of that wonderful [or hellish] uniqueness, is it really worth even trying to understand each other? Is it even possible?  In this episode, I interview Cora, who has in many ways, devoted her life to the pursuit of understanding people. As a certified CliftonStrengths Coach, certified Enneagram Coach, Restoring Connections Mentor, mother of four, and wife to a man of profound mystery [that's a joke], she knows a LOT about what it takes to truly understand someone. She shares openly about what gives her confidence that it's possible and gives some practical advice on how to overcome obstacles to better understand the people you love most.

Our current podcast series provides short overviews of each of the four core values at the heart of Restoring Connections. They are: Personal Responsibility, Proactive Care, Powerful Communication, and Healthy Boundaries. In this episode, we look a little closer at: Healthy Boundaries - Protecting the Connection and these principles: 1. I learn and keep learning my limits 2. I set up boundaries and break down walls 3. I set boundaries for me and let you set boundaries for you 4. I have a plan for unmet needs

Our current podcast series provides short overviews of each of the four core values at the heart of Restoring Connections. They are: Personal Responsibility, Proactive Care, Powerful Communication, and Healthy Boundaries. In this episode, we look a little closer at: Powerful Communication - Guiding the Connection and these principles: 1. I prepare myself before important conversations 2. I pursue understanding first and agreement second 3. I tell you about me and let you tell me about you 4. I participate in establishing a clear way forward

Our current podcast series provides short overviews of each of the four core values at the heart of Restoring Connections. They are: Personal Responsibility, Proactive Care, Powerful Communication, and Healthy Boundaries. In this episode, we look a little closer at: Proactive Care - Feeding the Connection and these principles: 1. I care for you because I choose to. 2. I actively care for you even when I'm in pain. 3. I learn about you and care for you according to who you are. 4. I embrace my need to be cared for by you.

There are four core values at the heart of Restoring Connections.  They are: 1. Personal Responsibility  2. Proactive Care 3. Powerful Communication  4. Healthy Boundaries These are practices we've gleaned from those we are mentored by and that we learn from regularly. They are ancient truths that we have simply brought together in a new format. Restoring Connections was birthed out of the heartache and disappointments that we have navigated in our closest relationships. In our darkest moments, we had support from others who possessed the strength and wisdom that we needed. The lessons we have learned along the way have formed the core values of our training curriculum. It is now our privilege to support people in their own journey of strengthening their most important relationships and in turn, supporting them to mentor others also.

Close relationships are going to occasionally involve pain, and very close relationships are likely to occasionally involve a LOT of pain. Naturally, we want to do everything we can to avoid pain, but the reality is that pain isn't what destroys relationships. Depending on how we respond to pain, it can either lead to confusion (the actual relationship killer), or it can lead to learning, growth, and deeper trust. In this second episode of a 2-part series, I dive into an exploration of healthy ways to navigate through pain wholeheartedly. That means ensuring our words, actions, and feelings are all lining up even when it hurts. I share some of my own personal, painful experiences and some of the practical steps I implement that help me turn painful situations into personal growth, and deeper relationships with the most important people in my life.

Close relationships are going to occasionally involve pain, and very close relationships are likely to occasionally involve a LOT of pain. Naturally, we want to do everything we can to avoid pain, but the reality is that pain isn't what destroys relationships. Depending on how we respond to pain, it can either lead to confusion (the actual relationship killer), or it can lead to learning, growth, and deeper trust. In this first episode of a 2-part series, I dive into an exploration of healthy ways to navigate through pain wholeheartedly. That means ensuring our words, actions, and feelings are all lining up, even when it hurts. I share some of my own personal, painful experiences and some of the practical steps that I implement that help me turn painful situations into personal growth, and deeper relationships with the most important people in my life.

Shame, the feeling of inadequacy or being unworthy of love, is one of the most soul-destroying emotional experiences a human being can have. It wreaks havoc on close relationships. Every one of us will wrestle with shame at some point in our lives. Many, if not most of us, wrestle with it on a daily basis. In the modern age of extraordinary communication technology, most of us live immersed in a shame-driven online culture where every possible human flaw is put under the magnifying glass for the world to critique. It can be terrifying and paralysing. In this second episode of a 2-part series on ‘shame', I draw on some very helpful wisdom from Cora regarding recognising ‘shaming' practices that we use without realising it. We take a close look at why shaming is often a go-to behaviour, even with people we care for deeply [such as our own children] and what we can do practically to put the shaming tools down and pick up much healthier tools for communicating effectively with the closest people in our lives, especially when they are doing things that drive us nuts.

Shame, the feeling of inadequacy or being unworthy of love, is one of the most soul-destroying emotional experiences a human being can have. It wreaks havoc on close relationships. Every one of us will wrestle with shame at some point in our lives. Many, if not most of us, wrestle with it on a daily basis. In the modern age of extraordinary communication technology, most of us live immersed in a shame-driven online culture where every possible human flaw is put under the magnifying glass for the world to critique. It can be terrifying and paralysing. In this first episode of a 2-part series on ‘shame', I draw on some very helpful wisdom from Cora regarding recognising ‘shaming' practices that we use without realising it. We take a close look at why shaming is often a go-to behaviour, even with people we care for deeply [such as our own children] and what we can do practically to put the shaming tools down and pick up much healthier tools for communicating effectively with the closest people in our lives, especially when they are doing things that drive us nuts.

Going through painful, disappointing experiences can eat away at the hope we have for the future. This is especially true when we feel that we're experiencing the same painful things on repeat! How can we move forward when we keep doing the same dumb things over and over? The answer, of course, is in our ability to learn, grow, and change… which can be really hard.   In this episode, we look at three guiding principles for healthy, non-judgmental conversations about problems. When Cora and I meet every week, we want to be focused on working together to tackle the issues in front of us rather than blaming and criticising each other. Believe me, it's not always easy! These principles help us turn failures and frustrations into positive growth.

Our culture is utterly obsessed with labels. Why? And more importantly, is it actually helpful in any way? I think most of us tend to find labels helpful and stabilising when describing the negative behaviour of someone who has caused us pain or frustration. Especially if we can find others who agree with us. It brings order into our chaotic state. But what about when trust is the goal? What about when deepening your connection with the person in front of you is more important than soothing your own personal need to feel in control of the situation? Are those negative labels helpful, then?  In this episode, I share openly about my own thoughts regarding labelling behaviour, when I've noticed it to be helpful and when I've noticed it to be damaging, even catastrophic, to a relationship. This conversation springs mostly from our Personal Responsibility course module and, in particular, the necessity of retaining a judgement-free heart, which is incredibly challenging and absolutely necessary for a healthy relationship with anyone, anywhere, ever.

We all wrestle with fears about what people think of us. We're built for connection, and it's natural to want to be embraced, celebrated, and viewed positively, especially by the people we care about most. So what do we do when that's not the case? What do we do when others see us through a lens of negativity, even when we believe what we're doing is motivated by genuine love? Or worse, what about when we're judging someone else for judging us!  In this 4-part series, we dive into four different fears around how others perceive us, how crippling these fears can be and how to overcome them. You'll likely connect in some way to all four of them, but one will probably stand out as the hardest for you to overcome. In this episode, Part 4, we wrestle with the question, “What if I look like the difficult one?”

We all wrestle with fears about what people think of us. We're built for connection, and it's natural to want to be embraced, celebrated, and viewed positively, especially by the people we care about most. So what do we do when that's not the case? What do we do when other's see us through a lens of negativity, even when we believe what we're doing is motivated by genuine love? Or worse, what about when we're judging someone else for judging us!  In this 4-part series, we dive into four different fears around how others perceive us, how crippling these fears can be and how to overcome them. You'll likely connect in some way to all four of them, but one will probably stand out as the hardest for you to overcome. In this episode, Part 3, we wrestle with the question, “What if I look like the idiot?”

We all wrestle with fears about what people think of us. We're built for connection, and it's natural to want to be embraced, celebrated, and viewed positively, especially by the people we care about most. So what do we do when that's not the case? What do we do when other's see us through a lens of negativity, even when we believe what we're doing is motivated by genuine love? Or worse, what about when we're judging someone else for judging us!  In this 4-part series, we dive into four different fears around how others perceive us, how crippling these fears can be and how to overcome them. You'll likely connect in some way to all four of them, but one will probably stand out as the hardest for you to overcome. In this episode, Part 2, we wrestle with the question, “What if I look like the weak one?”

We all wrestle with fears about what people think of us. We're built for connection, and it's natural to want to be embraced, celebrated, and viewed positively, especially by the people we care about most. So what do we do when that's not the case? What do we do when other's see us through a lens of negativity, even when we believe what we're doing is motivated by genuine love? Or worse, what about when we're judging someone else for judging us!  In this 4-part series, we dive into four different fears around how others perceive us, how crippling these fears can be and how to overcome them. You'll likely connect in some way to all four of them, but one will probably stand out as the hardest for you to overcome. In this episode, Part 1, we wrestle with the question, “What if I look like the bad guy?”

It's extraordinary how awful a conversation can be, even, or perhaps especially, with someone you care for deeply. They say it takes 2 to tango, and if that's true, then it should only take one to not tango, right? Are there language tools a person can use to steer a conversation away from the cliff edge and back towards productive, healthy dialogue? Are any of the language tools I tend to use injecting disrespect and fear into my conversations without me even realising it? In this series, Cora and I look at the phrases people tend to use that typically make conversations worse. We share our own stories of failure and success and offer suggestions for responding to these kinds of phrases in ways that typically ease anxiety, creating peace instead of fueling the fire. We also offer alternative, healthier phrases to use when we're experiencing pain, frustration, or anger. In this episode, the 4th of 4, we go through a list of phrases that we've identified as being “Fear and judgment in self-defence".

It's extraordinary how awful a conversation can be, even, or perhaps especially, with someone you care for deeply. They say it takes 2 to tango, and if that's true, then it should only take one to not tango, right? Are there language tools a person can use to steer a conversation away from the cliff edge and back towards productive, healthy dialogue? Are any of the language tools I tend to use injecting disrespect and fear into my conversations without me even realising it? In this series, Cora and I look at the phrases people tend to use that typically make conversations worse. We share our own stories of failure and success and offer suggestions for responding to these kinds of phrases in ways that typically ease anxiety, creating peace instead of fueling the fire. We also offer alternative, healthier phrases to use when we're experiencing pain, frustration, or anger. In this episode, the 3rd of 4, we go through a list of phrases that we've identified as being “Fear and judgment pretending to be noble or strong.

It's extraordinary how awful a conversation can be, even, or perhaps especially, with someone you care for deeply. They say it takes 2 to tango, and if that's true, then it should only take one to not tango, right? Are there language tools a person can use to steer a conversation away from the cliff edge and back towards productive, healthy dialogue? Are any of the language tools I tend to use injecting disrespect and fear into my conversations without me even realising it? In this series, Cora and I look at the phrases people tend to use that typically make conversations worse. We share our own stories of failure and success and offer suggestions for responding to these kinds of phrases in ways that typically ease anxiety, creating peace instead of fueling the fire. We also offer alternative, healthier phrases to use when we're experiencing pain, frustration, or anger. In this episode, the 2nd of 4, we go through a list of phrases that we've identified as being “Fear and judgment pretending to be vulnerable”.

It's extraordinary how awful a conversation can be, even, or perhaps especially, with someone you care for deeply. They say it takes 2 to tango, and if that's true, then it should only take one to not tango, right? Are there language tools a person can use to steer a conversation away from the cliff edge and back towards productive, healthy dialogue? Are any of the language tools I tend to use injecting disrespect and fear into my conversations without me even realising it? In this series, Cora and I look at the phrases people tend to use that typically make conversations worse. We share our own stories of failure and success and offer suggestions for responding to these kinds of phrases in ways that typically ease anxiety, creating peace instead of fueling the fire. We also offer alternative, healthier phrases to use when we're experiencing pain, frustration, or anger. In this episode, the 1st of 4, we go through a list of phrases that we've identified as being “Fear and judgement pretending to be intelligent”.

Tension. Some of us run towards it, while others of us avoid it like the plague. Love it, or hate it - a close relationship between two people always necessarily involves a degree of tension. The challenge is to keep the level of tension at a healthy, sustainable level. Too little tension and we barely have a connection at all. Too much tension and I'm having an identity crisis every time you don't treat me the way I want to be treated. Unsustainable. In this episode, I dive into how Cora and I have wrestled with this in our relationship and with others. At the time of recording, we were in the midst of over 2 months of being apart from each other. It seemed a fitting time to talk about how to navigate the challenges of unmet needs in close relationships. I unpack a 9-point grid to help you recognise codependency [too much tension] as well disconnection [too little tension] and give some tips on what to do about it.

Everyone battles with fear. The particular fears you struggle with and the fears I struggle with may be completely different, but the battle is common to us all. When we don't face them and overcome our chronic, long-term fears, it's often those closest to us that pay the price. If we're not willing to do the hard work of dealing with them, sometimes we [perhaps subconsciously] push our loved ones to adjust their lives so that we can keep our fears. This can be quite subtle and even look a bit like love in the short term, but it often has big-time negative, long-term effects on relationships. In this episode, my son Levi [10] and I talk about an experience he had recently in which he had to choose whether or not to face down a fear that was messing with him… or to remain stuck and ask his family members to pay the price. How it all worked out was very cool. He asked me a few weeks ago if he could share it on the podcast and I thought it was an awesome idea. What a legend. Pretty sure he'll be back for future episodes.

Healthy exchanges of truth are the foundation of a healthy connection between two people. So what about when a lack of truth has been building, increasing tension, and suddenly someone dramatically changes the way they relate to you. What about when you get ghosted by someone without explanation, or when someone bites your head off out of nowhere for something that never seemed to bother them before? In this episode, Cora and I pick up from Part 1 and look at the other side of the same argument, which is around Cora navigating my surprising reaction to her question. How do we navigate these moments of being hurt and confused by someone's behaviour, without causing further harm to the relationship? Cora shares a few things she's found really helpful.

In the course of life, things can happen in close relationships that leave us feeling utterly bewildered. Questions emerge like, “How did things get so bad between us?” and “How is it that I care so much about you and hate you so much at the same time?”. In these confusing moments, the key is to stay focused more on learning and growing than on being right. In this episode, Cora and I discuss an argument we had recently that left us both confused and then how we slowly made our way through to a point of connection and resolve. We highlight 3 questions that we find extremely helpful in bringing truth and clarity to the surface when emotions are running high and we're feeling lost at sea.

Relational issues can get very messy when there are three or more people involved. It's hard enough for two people to understand each other in the midst of pain and frustration. When you get three or four people involved the level of complexity can go through the roof. This often happens when two people are sharing a domain, like co-leading a team, co-parenting a family, or couples relating to other couples. In this episode, Cora and I discuss a challenging situation we faced in which we were experiencing very different things in a shared relationship and therefore had very different thoughts about how to handle the situation. We break down a 4-step process we find helpful for ‘calming the farm' and navigating these kinds of challenges before they spin out of control.

When it comes to unhealthy relational patterns and vicious cycles, it always takes 2 to tango. Likewise, it only takes one member of the relationship to make a change for the pattern or cycle to be broken. As painful and uncomfortable as it can be, sometimes one person establishing a healthy boundary for themselves can be the catalyst for the other person's personal growth. In this episode, Cora and I discuss examples of how we've experienced this in our own relationship with each other and with others. We explore moments when initially one of us had a healthy boundary in place, which then caused the other person to throw a tantrum, but ultimately it led to character growth and deeper maturity.

Having a confrontational conversation with someone doesn't always produce resolution and positive change. If you don't have the right ingredients in the conversation, even an open and honest confrontation can just make things more awkward and difficult than before. In this episode Cora and I have an open dialogue about an argument we had recently and breakdown 3 things that have helped us to have confronting conversations that actually produce resolution, positive change, and deeper trust between us.

In this episode my daughter Keana [15] joins me in a discussion about brave communication between family members and why being honest with each other is often worth the risk. I share a recent story about my son Levi confronting me like a boss and how it has helped us deepen our connection with each other.

In this episode we take a closer look at the tough questions you can ask before joining a new group or taking on a new position. Making sure that expectations and values are aligned can save you major heartache down the track.

In this episode we take a closer look at how misaligned expectations wreak havoc on relationships and how to avoid some common pitfalls.

In this episode we explore the deeper reasons that many of us hate asking for help and how to overcome them

In this episode I dive into 3 things. 1] The driving motivators behind the thoughts and stories I'm sharing; 2] who I'm primarily reaching out to and; 3] some of the underpinning core beliefs

In this first episode we dive into how to create a context within which needs can be shared without fear of manipulation or control.